12:55 a.m. - 2016-10-24
3:24 a.m. - 2011-10-21
I would like to say that upon reflecting on my thoughts, fears, and events in my life for this long, I could make more sense of things. I would like to, but I don't think I can. It could be the absolute opposite of that. Life just seems way too malleable, changeable. It's never the same. Just when you think you can pinpoint some form of familiarity in your world, it completely changes. It morphs into something you never thought it could, whether that be bad or good, or just different.
The older I get, the more I realize I don't have a fucking clue as to what I'm doing here, what we're here for. What is the purpose? How did we get here? Why is life the way it is? When does one figure it all out, when we're grandparents? When we're already gone? It's just odd to think about. These are the questions that pop into my mind when I'm sitting alone outside in the backyard, chillin, smoking a cigarette and staring up at the constellations & moon and flip out that we're even here. On a planet. Floating in space, floating with other balls of gas, matter, living these tiny, individual, detailed lives on the surface of some crazy-ass thing floating in a never-ending universe. Who the hell comes up with this shit?
I've never acknowledged the bigger picture as much as I do now that I'm older.
In my own tiny, individual, detail-laden life, it doesn't seem so crazy. I work, I spend time with my family. I try to keep my crazy thoughts and emotions in perspective. I'm just living life. I'm Not expecting much, just something to think about, to experience...then I can either run with it and embrace all that has been offered to me, or I can catalogue it away and know it's there, but never have to go back unless I want to. It feels free.
With all the free thinking and doing I am trying to experience, I'm still tormented a little. I wonder if I'll always be tormented in some way or other, either because of my upbringing, all the losses in my life. Maybe being just a little tormented is my coping mechanism for the harsher realities of life. Who's to say.
I don't know why I'm getting so deep on this thing. Maybe it's because I haven't updated it in so long that I feel like I need to make up for lost time, like I need to write something meaningful, because who knows when I'll write in here again. Another year? A few years? In all honesty, I'm just trying to make it. I'm not struggling, I'm knowing exactly who I am while discovering new, shiny facets only created by time and experience. The same goes for the people and situations around me. I haven't figured out everything or anyone yet, and I probably never will, but at least those gears in my head are turning, wondering, thinking. At least I have that going for me.
11:26 p.m. - 2010-09-16
Grampa passed last week. He declined all the way up to his 82nd birthday and died the Monday after. Since that day, I have felt...peaceful, more sure of the world, and closer to my family.
So, everyone is saying that i've become the Golden Child. The Golden Child, the one who was at Grampa's bedside the moment he passed. I'm not sure why it was me, other than I knew that day, while driving to his house, that I needed to be alone with him and say what I knew he needed to hear: That it was okay to go.
This wasn't anything new. All of his kids, my aunts and uncles, had been saying it to him for days, never leaving his bedside, waiting and waiting for him to pass. It was only after they all left to go to the store, the one and only time all of them decided to leave his side, did he even have a chance to pass on.
So, I stayed in the room with him. Staring at him, small, frail, unconscious in bed. Whispering to him how much I love him, how it was okay to leave. It was okay to go and be with grandma. I told him that if he was ever going to pass in peace, that this would be the time to do it, while quiet and no one else at bedside. I promised him that we would all be okay if he left, I promised him we would all take care of each other. I held his hand, watched him breathe shallower and quieter. I closed my eyes and asked my Mom to come meet him, to tell him it's okay to go with her.
And, 5 minutes later, his breathing slowly faded until I couldn't see his chest rise up or down anymore. I sat there, silently, until I could not see anything. I saw his eyes close slightly. I saw him leave this earth, alone. It was the most precious moment I've ever had in my life. And, though a couple tears found their way down my cheeks, I was able to breathe.
I don't know why I'm the Golden Child, other than maybe he was comfortable with me there, enough so to let go. Maybe he thought I was the one that would be able to handle it. Maybe I'm just the one that happened to be there at that moment. Maybe I was there in place of my Mother, the one child not present. Maybe my Mom did meet up with him, take his hand, and lead him out of earth and into another existence.
I'm not entirely sure. But, I do recognize the gift that has been given to me, and let me tell you, seeing life and death this way is incredible. I'm forever changed.
7:24 p.m. - 2010-08-11
It hurts a lot. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm as strong as I can be. I just can't handle all of the split personalities. It's funny, he's never straight out treated me badly. He's a charmer. Someone who builds you up, says everything you can possibly think of to convince you that you are the one, that he loves you, that you're the love of his life. That he wants you to have your children. He needs you, you're his soulmate, his angel, the one person who he can be himself with. The one person he can be vulnerable in front of without judging. He's never felt love like this before, he's scared, he's amazed. He stares at you in awe because he can see the pure, innocent love in your eyes. You're the perfect girlfriend. He makes love to you, makes you feel like the most important person to him in the world. He makes you feel special.
And, what does he do after he says all of those things to you? He completely turns around, 360, and forgets all of those things, I guess. He takes on another fucking personality and transforms all of those beautiful, meaningful things into lies. A whole year of being together, and he still lies.
So, I made a pact. I made the decision that I would not talk to him anymore. I wouldn't call him, I wouldn't go see him. I would wait until I got the test back. If it's positive, of course, I have to tell him, deal with him, torture, hurt myself because I have to tell him that I'm pregnant & he is far from being the person he promised me he was. If the test was negative, I would continue to not contact him. I would keep myself in check, let the pain and the hurt slowly fade away, find myself somewhere else, a better place.
So it's negative. It's been a week since our last conversation & a week since the pregnancy test. And, it's killing me. Oh well, I need to move on, be with someone who knows me, who won't neglect me..someone who can accept all the love I have given them without sabotaging it because they're mentally sick in the head & can't handle love like mine.
Fuck him. And, fuck me for taking him back the first time. Lesson learned.
I actually feel a little better since writing this. I've only told one or two people about this, because it hurts too much. I have to let go, I have to move on. I can't be with someone so fucked up in the head, even if I know deep down he's good. He's scared, he doesn't know any better. I thought he was the one. Oh well. Life goes on, as do I.
In reality, I'm suffering here.
10:12 p.m. - 2010-05-06
I haven't written in here since June of last year. That is so unlike me. I've noticed that I don't do a lot of the things that I've always done my entire life: painting, writing, photography, going to concerts, etc. I'm not really sure why that is, other that I'm getting older & the responsibilities of an adult are starting to weigh me down.
So a lot has happened since that June 2009 entry. I've found love, I've been working my ass off, I moved in with my sister, and we're closer that we ever have been. I went to the graduations of people I used to diaper & play with, I've turned 28, I've made new friends, reconnected w/ old ones. I've visited family, partied a lot & worked a lot. I've lost my car, lost my love, & had little hardships mixed in with the awesomeness of my life.
My coping mechanisms must have fully developed now because, even though I find myself analyzing the bad things during my quiet little moments, I am actually able to cope with them without damaging my outlook.
You know what all of this boils down to? The fact that I need a serious vacation. None of this 3 days off during the week stuff that I've been doing. I need a full blown 1-2 week long Vacay. If I only had the means to do so.
So, I've lost that love, that's the most recent event in my life. As I look back on our 10 month long relationship, I realize now, a week after breaking up, that he never was someone I could see myself with. He was too needy, to emotionally draining, but still not as nurturing as I would have wanted. We never agreed on anything, he could care less about anything that had to do with me: my likes/dislikes, my family, things that I hold of the upmost importance. Plus, his taste in music sucked balls.
Sure, it still hurts because it's so new, and because you get used to being w/ one person, but I'll eventually get over that. It's the starting over part that's annoying.
Being 28 is weird. By the time my mother was 28, she had moved in w/ my father, gotten pregnant by him, and married him by the end of the year. It just puts things into perspective about how the generations have changed. Most of my friends & cousins my age are starting to think about marriage & children, but they haven't even been close yet. It's just bizarre to think about. Getting older seems scarier, and yet I don't get scared as easily now that I'm older.
9:18 p.m. - 2009-06-14
Everyone's been asking how it was. How was Seattle? Didn't you like it? In all honesty, I've never really learned how to answer that. Seattle is beautiful, cold, just plain different from San Diego. I wouldn't say culture shock had fully been injected into my consciousness, but it is just not the same. I did like Seattle. I had a job the entire time I lived there. I had my own place. I made new friends. Sometimes I think I just needed a little time to myself. To be alone, live my own life, to be responsible for me and only me. I'm not positive I'd ever had that until I left San Diego. It could have been one of the best decisions I'd ever made to date, if only for that.
I'm not sure if I will ever go back. I joke around with people about living in all kinds of different cities, travel and live like a gypsy, a nomad, and just experience as many places as I can, while I can. I'm not entirely serious, but the idea sounds beautiful. Scary, but not as scary as it was when I did it for the first time.
Ever since I've been back to San Diego, I've noticed something different about myself. I feel more relaxed. I feel smarter. Happier. Less stressed. I don't sweat the small stuff. I know what's important. I don't know what it is exactly, but I smile more. My friends and family have noticed the same thing. The way I carry myself has changed. The way I see life has changed.
I can't pinpoint when or where this changed has occurred. Maybe it was from my grandma's passing. Or, maybe it was because I was on my own in Seattle, and I had to be a certain way. Maybe, I'm just growing up. I'm mentally/emotionally in a place that I can actually tolerate. Not much can hurt me, or depress me, or piss me the fuck off as easily as before.
And, it feels nice.
10:29 p.m. - 2009-03-02
My birthday is in about an hour and half. 27. A couple of years ago, I couldn't even imagine being 27, for some reason. Though I am in Seattle, I do wish I was back home for my birthday, so I can share it with the people I care about most. I know I'm supposed to fly back down to AZ to celebrate Tara's birthday in the middle of the month, but it's just not the same. That's okay, though, I'll be here celebrating with a few people in the meantime.
I feel like I'm not that great at writing in my journals anymore. I don't know if I've just run out of things to say, if I just really don't have time to put down in words what's going on with me, or if I've just outgrown it entirely. It doesn't matter, really, I know that when I really, really want to write, that I will, even if it's been months or years since my previous entry. Still, it makes me wonder. This journal has been going on for almost 6 years. That's a fucking long time for a journal, if you ask me. If this was paper, I'd be on like my 6th journal.
Currently, I am sick. That's right, crappy head cold for my birthday. Of course, this won't stop me from celebrating, by any means, but it's been awhile since I've been sick, and it sucks.
I had a dream last night that the whole state of California went bankrupt. It's probably because I was reading an article about the city of Vallejo in CA that went bankrupt, but still, it scared the shit out of me. I know CA's economy isn't so hot, and I guess it's cool that I got out of the state when I did, even if WA's economy isn't that great either.
I just did my taxes yesterday...Did you?
I will somehow manage to take my birthday shots in addition to my cough drops and hot tea.
2:43 a.m. - 2008-09-01
Again with the late hours, hence the late-hour journal entry.
So, I've been getting high lately...for the past couple weeks. Actually, I'm high right now, typing a journal entry away. I don't usually get high on a normal basis, but I've been using it for sleep. That sounds pretty bad, that I have to fucking get high to go to sleep @ a decent hour. And, by decent hour, I mean 3-4am-ish. Normal people take tylenol PM or Lunestra or whatever the hell it's called on the commercial. But, I don't. No meds for me, thanks.
So, I come home, change, turn on the TV on whatever comes on DirecTV @ 1am, and I smoke. I even sleep much deeper sleeps, and I don't wake up as much during the night.
Some people become hilarious when they're high. They're a regular bag-o-fun. Others are totally chill and quiet, so much that you have to keep looking over to see if they passed out or not. And, then there's people who start analyzing everything and getting into deep/philosophical mode. I'm 90% sure I'm the last one in most cases.
Well, tonight's the last night being high for awhile. I'll be leaving soon.
12:34 p.m. - 2008-06-15
So, what has consumed me enough to keep me from writing in my journal for 3 months? Not much. Work, that's one. Being tired all the time. That's another. Wanting to chill and not be on the computer all the time, because I'm on the computer all the time at work, that'll do it.
I guess it's officially summer. Tre's out of school, he'll be in 6th grade. What the fuck? Mariah will be a SENIOR. I'll say it again, a SENIOR. It makes me feel so old. My baby a senior? My other baby almost in Jr high? What kind of nonsense is this?
Mariah put together a whole talent show for her 11th grade project, with proceeds going to Children's hospital. I mean, what kind of 16 yr old does that? She's amazing, and I'm so proud of the stuff she does. She's just like her mom, always busy, always on the go, always trying to make a difference. We talked last week about what she wants to do with her life. She doesn't know, and I told her she doesn't have to know yet, but feels like she's being pressured. I told her she can do or not do whatever she wants, as long as SHE wants it. I don't know if that's the right thing to say, but oh well. It's true, though.
I'm moving to Seattle in August. It's kinda scary, thinking about it. I'm excited, sure, but I worry a lot. Auntie Chrissy thinks I should just go there with nothing and start from scratch. That's kinda scary in itself. No furniture? What kind of idea is that? Eh, that's probably what I'll end up doing, anyway. It's cheaper. It's funny to hear which people think you should go and which ones encourage you. My oldest aunts says no, because I'll be away from family. The youngest wants me to have an adventure. Katrina thinks I won't do it, Nick wants to move with me. Spam...I honestly don't know what Spam thinks. She's sad that I'm moving, but, that's about it. I think I'm gonna try to sell some of my stuff before I leave, just so I don't have to worry about taking or leaving crap.
Today is Father's Day, and Thursday was my mom's anniversary of death. 13 years. Before either one of those days, I decided I was going to make an oldies CD to listen to in the car for my drives to work and back. I ended up with two dozen songs that remind me of my mom and dad, their favorite songs, songs I remember from my childhood. So, I'm listening to all of these songs and reminiscing, and realize what day it is, and what day is coming up, and I get all teary eyed. I don't usually get all teary eyed, but when you have a soundtrack like that playing in the car as you're thinking about certain things, it definitely has it's influences. See, that's why I'm in love with music. It's got that way of reminding you of people, places, things, events, times you didn't think about until you heard that song and you're right back to that time. And, then I went and visited Spam the other day and gave it to her, because she loves that shit.
I think I'm gonna request a weekend off, because I haven't had one in 8 months.
4:18 p.m. - 2008-03-13
I'm not one who gets lonely often. I don't really know what that concept is. I'm usually always surrounded by people I care about, and I'm lucky that way. I know you don't have to be physically alone to feel lonely, but either way it's just rare for me as long as I'm not depressed.
On that note, I'm lonely, heh. I don't know if it's just a mood I'm in, or if it's a result of my working hours where I don't see or hear from anyone, or if it's just some shit people go through once in awhile, and it just happens to be my time to be lonely. It's probably a mixture of all of those things. Whatever it is, it sucks. =)
I'm not sad by any means. I'm not mad, I'm not depressed, I'm not hurt, I'm not discontent or numb or being negative or any of those other things. I'm just lonely. What do you do when you're lonely? I fear I'll start getting depressed again, but I don't feel like I am or will be. I'm just craving something, and I'm not even sure what that something is. I want something!!! I want it! What? What do I want? Sounds dumb, huh?
I'm definitely the type of person to pick up projects to keep busy. Granted, I pick them also because I'm interested and I love learning and I want to accomplish something cool and fun, but at the same time, I know myself well enough that a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm by myself and I want to keep busy. But, even know, keeping busy doesn't seem to be enough. Maybe I'm craving physical contact. Or, just a friend that's around that I don't have to text or call at late-night hours, knowing full well they won't answer because they're either working or sleeping when I'm awake.
I'm so good at being happy and friendly and joking around and being as close as you can with someone and not actually "getting there" and keeping a little distance left. I'm not talking about just romantically, I mean in general. Maybe I'm just getting older. Maybe it's getting boring and, yes, I'll say it, it's getting lonely. I want to talk to someone. And, no, not shoot-the-shit talking like I know everyone is pretty good at. I want to TALK to someone, someone whom I feel could understand what the hell I'm talking about. I don't crave that often, but, once in a great while. That's not that much.
I dunno, I just don't like bothering people, anyway. Why should I bother people when I'm the one who's lonely? I'm sure they've got other shit to do. No need to be a burden, which is funny, because I doubt anyone I care about could ever be a burden to me. But, not everyone is like me, I just don't want to assume. So, I leave them alone.
I think I'm a pretty good friend. I think I'm a good girlfriend. I think I take care of the people I care about. I'm sure the loneliness will pass, eventually.
God, I AM lonely. This whole thing just sounds like I need a boyfriend. Even the song lyrics reek of it. I'm such a sucker. Forget this whole entry.
1:51 p.m. - 2008-01-17
I drank more last night than I have in a long time. I just wanted to sleep! I couldn't keep still, I was swaying. I was stumbling around the fucked up house, because they're redoing the floors and everything is out of place. I think I even cooked like grilled cheese last night, though that memory is very vague. Don't cook while drunk, it's a hazard. Don't do it.
It's funny how people don't understand the person you are, or you don't think they want to. Maybe that's the reason people are guarded the way they are. People at work have this vision of me as this outgoing, sweet, funny, laid-back people-person. Yes, I can be all of those things, but it's funny how someone can describe you as those, and you don't see it in yourself one bit.
I strive to be those things, I think I am naturally that way on my own terms. But, I also know I will always be that person that will never let a part of them be seen. I don't know why I'm like that. I hold close to that part of me, and few people in this world have gotten it out of me.
I've also been striving to not be so guarded w/ my feelings. I'm the most laid-back person I can possibly be. I'm that way, because I want people to be happy. It's funny to me, to be so laid-back, but at the same time, never voicing what I really want, because I want to be laid-back.
To someone who really knows me, I mean, REALLY knows me, knows that I care and love unconditionally. You could be the biggest asshole in the world, and somewhere in there, I'm going to believe in you. I will chalk up wrongdoings and hurtful words (or silence, even) to something else entirely. Is this weakness? I don't feel like it is. It could be 20 years before I talk to someone again, and, I'll still be cool with you, because I have that love inside me. It's a blessing, but damn, sometimes it's a curse.
I have no clue what I'm talking about right now, I'm pretty sure this isn't making sense all typed up. But, I swear, it makes sense in my head when I'm thinking it.
1:09 a.m. - 2008-01-04
Sure, I'm a workaholic. There, I've said it. I never have time to do anything fun. Once in awhile, I'll go out and do something, but with working so much, time off is precious, and I need rest. To other people that want to hang out with me, it sorta sucks. I get that. I miss spending time w/ the people I care about a lot. A LOT - a lot. But, a lot of people don't understand how I was before this job, though. Most don't, really, besides family and a select few others. If they only knew the person I was before this job, they'd understand why I work so much.
I don't want to feel guilty everytime someone's in town and I can't hang. It kills me to not be able to do stuff with them. Sure, it'd be lovely, but...I've gotta work. I've been working since I was 16, and I've never called in sick a day in my life. I also know there are people who are just looking out for me, because I do need rest, especially since my sleeping pattern is all fucked up. I like that people care about whether I'm gonna get burnt out or not. I'm just too determined right now. I'll get the balance right, eventually.
The honest-to-god truth is, if I had so much time on my hands w/out working now, I wouldn't know what to do. I'd gone through being idle for a long time before this, and I hated myself. I tortured my body for over a year, I cried all the time, I might as well have been dead, and for a long time, in a sense of the word, I was. People don't realize that, and I won't dare let them, because dwelling on it hurts. So, I keep busy. Plus, the money's damn good.
I'm not saying not working was the only thing missing that caused me to be that way (there's a lot of stuff that I don't even want to think about) but it was part of it.
So yeah, fuckin ay, I'm working.
12:59 a.m. - 2007-12-18
Too close to that time.
I want all of us to be okay with this, even though I don't think we will be.
12:42 a.m. - 2007-11-13
I really want to live closer to work. The commute right now isn't REALLY that bad, but it could be better. I'm not sure if I should just get my own apartment and live alone for awhile, or if I should have a roommate. If I do have a roommate, I'd only want like...one. Because right now, I have 7 and a dog. The sad part would be leaving Presley here. Hopefully someone will give that doggie some love, because I feel like I'm the only one that does. Sad.
I keep searching for apartments/roommates during my downtime at work. I already have like 3 people offering to be roommates. One is a couple at work, and I dunno if I want to live w/ a couple, even though they are really cool. I guess it'll come down to location and how cool the roommate is. I dunno, I'm a pretty chill roommate, plus no one would ever see me except on days off. All of the offers are decent, and it's pretty much the same as what I pay now, so that's cool. I wouldn't have to drive as far. I could go to the beach whenever the fuck I felt like it.
I'll probably end up going to AZ after thanksgiving. Katrina's dying for me to go there. I still want to drive to SF, even if it's alone. I haven't been there in awhile, and I want to visit my parents, the only difference being, I'd have a place to stay in AZ, whereas in SF, I'd have to find my own. It's not really that big a deal, though either way. I do miss my buddies, though. We'll see. I'm so indecisive.
I feel like this is a cold entry. Mmm, maybe not cold, just not a lot of feeling like my normal entries. I think I'm just tired. I'm gonna go have a drink now...
2:00 a.m. - 2007-10-18
So I drive. Where do I drive? I have no fucking clue. Sometimes, I'll stop by the store and pick up miscellaneous things that I don't even need, because I'm bored. Tonight, I picked up a bottle of ginseng (because I was out), a pack of orbit gum, some scotch tape, and some lip gloss. What the fuck...And, then I'll start driving home again, because I've got nothing else to do.
I do think about driving to the beach once in awhile, just to clear my mind like I used to, but the beach is too fucking far sometimes. I don't feel like going over the Coronado Bridge, and Mt. Soledad closes their gates kinda early, I think. So, I just keep driving. Oh well.
I love driving alone, though. It's soothing. It keeps me sane. If the right song is on, it keeps me in a trance, depending on what the song is and how I'm feeling at that moment. It's relaxing. I start thinking about everything (like I would do if I was in bed, lying awake staring at the ceiling) only I'm driving. Of course, you have to be careful of that. I can't remember how many times I've missed my offramp or exit because I was in "the zone."
I've been drinking a lot more, too. Well, not A LOT - a lot, but, more frequently. I haven't had a drink in a week, though. Nevermind, I'm normal. Why am I talking about drinking right after going on about driving? No, I don't drink & drive. They should be separate. Get a designated driver. That's safe. This is the stupidest entry to date.
But, I did just buy a new camera. There's always a silver lining, huh?
11:01 p.m. - 2007-09-24
Grandma has been going downhill. This isn't anything new. I've been dreading this moment for awhile, as has everybody else, though me and Auntie Chrissy are the only ones who really understand, because we're surrounded with this every day. I'm saying it right now, it sucks. There's a family meeting tomorrow answering questions about hospice and such.
A lot of people don't really understand what hospice is, or how one qualifies for it. You have to be someone who has 6 months or less left to live. That shit alone puts things into perspective, doesn't it?
I visited my grandparents last Friday afternoon at the new assisted living facility. As soon as I walked in, I immediately became depressed. Not because the place itself is depressing, but neither one of them seems to be okay anymore. Grandma had tears in her eyes when she saw me. I've never seen her so unhappy since my mom died.
What's worse is that they're living in this assisted living place, and my grandfather won't even take the fucking assistance they're offering. I mean, I understand he's too proud and what-not, but fuck, that's what they're paid to do. What's the point of them living there if he's just going to refuse and turn them away? My grandma needs help, man.
Grandma always whispers about how grandpa doesn't believe her about everything. Okay, she has dementia, but it's to the point where she doesn't want to be anywhere near my grandfather. I feel like he's oblivious to what is really going on. He's in denial, and I'm sure there's an ounce or two of truth to my grandma's pleas.
My head hurts.
1:01 a.m. - 2007-09-19
A journal. Why do we have journals? I was thinking about this earlier. It's good to just let yourself go, writing whatever the fuck you want in a journal. Every moment of joy, pain, feeling, every secret, any and every event that you think could shape you. Analyzations, any angry thoughts, memories.
And, then I think about how putting them into words just doesn't do any of it justice. You're in love, so you write about how much you're in love. The feelings you get from it, jotting down detail after detail, physical attributes, heartfelt confessions, soulfully and explicitly describing how you feel in your heart and soul. But in reality, nothing you come up with is ever going to suffice a feeling like that. How do you write about such a immense feeling like love?
Or, even better, loss. You can dig as deep as you can within yourself to put down in words how much you hurt about something or other, the physical and mental anguish, the sadness or anger that you think will never subside; it could feel like you're literally fucking dying, but there's nothing in this world that's really going to describe something like that.
Not saying that a journal or writing, for that matter, doesn't work. I think I would absolutely burst if I couldn't write about how I feel sometimes. I was just thinking. Yes, I should stop thinking. And, possibly stop writing in my journal while drinking. I'm an idiot.
12:29 a.m. - 2007-08-13
Things have been really stressful lately. Chris has been on disability for awhile, because of the cyst in his brain. Neurologists and trips to the hospital galore. Finally, it looks as though it has disappeared, and he'll be going back to work this week.
Our family had a meeting this morning regarding Grandma. So..yeah, she's not doing so good. I mean, she's not doing horrible, she's old, but...My grandpa needs some serious help now. So, my aunt initiated a family meeting to convince my grandfather to take some help in caring for grandma. His pride is just so strong, that he's denied the much needed aid we've been trying to get him to take up until now. And, since I'm basically in this business (without actually being in the business), I know what it entails.
So, this guy called in tonight at work. He sounded so young. He was having a hard time, so we sent a nurse out there. So, I look to see how old he is in his chart, and he's 31, dying of AIDS in a facility. It broke my heart, for him to call into our service by himself, trying to explain why he was in such excruciating pain, without family there.
I teared up for a sec, thinking to myself "yeah...I'm definitely not cut out for hospital stuff." I'm still not sure how I got into this industry, granted it's the tail-end and it is mostly administrative, but...just listening to people call in, crying because their loved one has passed, and them being so grateful because you're comforting them and trying to help them as best as you can....It's some crazy shit. I think this is the first time I've really talked about what I do. Hmm, that should tell you something.
These next two weeks, I've got a lot of time off, mainly because I'm going to visit the Arizona people. I need a break, sorta, even if this is still new. I've been planning this for awhile, so...yeah, I guess I'm going. It's hot as fuck in Arizona though, dude...I'm already fucking dark.
To end on a happy note, I did manage to attend Angel's baby shower before work yesterday, so I got to see the family, and Tri-Tri, Tariffany, and Jason were there too. I walked in, and everyone lit up. It was sweet. They kept staring at my chest, not because of my boobs, but because they kept wanting to grab my collarbone. WTF. Yeah, apparently some people measure skinniness by how far your collarbone sticks out, and apparently I'm good to go. WTF. They are so weird.
I'm gonna take some nyquil now...and spray some nasal spray...and pretend to go to sleep.
1:58 p.m. - 2007-06-30
I've honestly never felt so dead inside as I do now.
12:58 p.m. - 2007-06-25
Sooo...Usually I write in this journal at night, when my mind is more analytical and thoughtful, but since I'm working nights, I don't know when the next night will be that I can write an entry....Not that I've been writing so many entries now, but that's okay. As long as I'm keeping this alive, it'll keep ME alive.
The family had a scare yesterday afternoon. Chris was on the brink of a seizure yesterday afternoon, and Amy, after threatening to call 911, convinced him to go to the hospital. It turns out he has a cyst/tumor in his brain...Of course, hearing that, it sounds every bit as scary as something like that could sound. The neurologist was trying to determine through MRI's if emergency brain surgery was necessary. After staying at the hospital all day yesterday, I think he's gonna be okay. Still, it's a frightening thing to find out.
All week, I've been trying to keep my body awake, since it's been so used to going to sleep at a decent hour for more than a year. Unfortunately, I can't get past 3am. Remember the days where I'd stay up until sunlight? I'd go to sleep just as Mariah was getting up for school. It was amusing. Hopefully, my hours will start to be more in the 4pm-12am category rather than till 8am.
I feel like everything is coming together, but I still have this sadness in my heart. What the sadness is, I couldn't tell you. I don't know why. I feel like God keeps sending me signs and messages about different things, but I keep ignoring them. And, you know how that is, the more you ignore the signs, the more persistent and regular the signs become. It's dumb. Just give me the sadness, and I'll be on my way, thanks.
I went to visit Karly for a few moments last week, before this whole Chris tragedy happened. I walked in there in search of the little girl, and she saw me and just stood there while I had my arms open and smiled at her. She just stared at me like she didn't know me. Of course, I was surprised by this, and I said "Karly!!! Come here!", and as soon as she heard my voice, she started smiling and giggling and screaming "Sanrah! Sanrah!"
I didn't know what to make of it. My heart was broken for a second. It's only been a little over a month, I didn't think she'd forget me already. But, Amy convinced me she didn't recognize me until she heard my voice because I look different. Amy herself admitted that when I walked in, she didn't recognize me for a split second, and since she doesn't live with me, she doesn't see me as often, and I guess I look different. This has been a running theme for the past 6 months.
I don't know how much more coffee I can drink.
12:42 a.m. - 2007-05-21
Let's see. Chris, Amy, and Karly are out of the house (and not because they found a place to move to.) Yeah, just another one of those drama things that I'm glad I'm not a part of. If you let go of the drama, it's so much easier to care, but be neutral, and go with the flow. So, they're out, the house is so much quieter, and it's only been 12 hours.
Amy had another miscarriage the end of last month. I figure it's either because it's not meant to be, or her body just can't take another pregnancy (she's had at least 10 pregnancies in her 30 years of life, 4 she gave birth to, 3 she miscarried, 3 she aborted.) Maybe it's both. I feel bad for Amy and Chris both.
I got a car. Nothing spectacular, but not shitty, either. I've driven to my favorite beach, driven to Zimbabwe to see Spam, drove to spend time with the Nickster, given people rides, and took a drive alone like I used to...just to drive and think and contemplate and listen to music and zone out. Everyone keeps calling or texting me, telling me I need to go to Arizona to see the peeps. Annoying, but sweet.
Spam is moving into a new house with her boy and a couple roommates up north. She's been fixing up the place for awhile now, putting in new floors, painting all the rooms, doing the bathroom tile stuff, etc. I went over there yesterday and helped paint for awhile, talking shit to my sister like old times. It's funny, I reminded her how high maintenance and prissy she used to be, how a year or two ago, she would never imagine herself doing the things she's doing, getting dirty, fixing up her own place, not caring about what she looks like and such. She's definitely not the same person. And yet, she is. Weird.
And finally, Mariah's friend just had a baby today. Age? 14. It was surreal, watching Mariah in the waiting room, waiting for her best friend to give birth. It still startles me, to see a girl get pregnant at 13, give birth at 14, being a child having a child. So much of her life is over, and there's still so much to come for her. Scary.
Yeah, what a week. Looking back on it will be interesting.
12:25 a.m. - 2007-04-27
Curiously, I just asked her how she came to the decision that God doesn't exist, and I continued to ask her simple questions about her opinion, just so I could get a little understanding about her reasoning without being biased about it. It was interesting, listening to her contemplate (or, in her case, not wanting to contemplate) about having faith and love and believing, and how they all could or could not relate in subject.
Her mom was sort of disappointed, but I just figured she's just being skeptical, which is healthy. When I was 15, I didn't know anything about faith, really, which I contribute to certain traumatizing, life changing events. I just went along with whatever my grandfather or aunt wanted me to do, even if I wasn't exactly sure what the reasons were for doing it. In the end, I adopted and understood specific spiritual aspects along the way, and even now, 10 years later, and 10 years older than Mariah, I still wonder. But, I'm more sure of what I believe in and what my faith really encompasses.
It's just a slow, aging, life lesson that evolves throughout your life. Maybe 10 years from now I'll think differently, who knows. Probably not the jist of what I truly know in my deepest of hearts, but, you never know.
10:52 p.m. - 2007-04-14
Well, I don't want to be the listener anymore. People always tell me their secrets that I'm not supposed to tell anyone, and though I never say anything to anybody, I still hate doing that. Why am I the one that has to be put in that position?
I guess I could look at it as a compliment, people trusting me enough to tell me the things they don't want anyone else to know (yet), but I still hate the position I'm always put in, and now I have to go and confess them on this damn journal because I know no one really reads this shit, at least no one in this little circle we call family. I don't know why I even write it here, it's not like it makes me feel any better.
Amy is pregnant again. Why she told me, I have no clue. No, I do have a clue. She thinks of me as one of her best friends, and she tells me that all the time. What sucks is, I don't know if I consider her a best friend at all. I do consider her a friend, sure, but, one that I can take in small doses, one that I can hang and drink with, but best friend? Eh no. That sounds sad and mean, and I'm not one for the meanness, but I just don't feel it. Apparently, I'm the only other person to know besides Chris and Chris' mom.What's funny is, I knew Amy was pregnant before Amy even knew. She just found out yesterday, but I could just tell, I don't know how, but I just did...for a couple weeks now. Maybe it's just that intuitive thing, but yeah...weird. I was just hoping my feeling was wrong.
It seems like they're happy, which is a good thing, but the whole Amy&ChrisCouple deal is STILL uncomfortable to me. That's horrible, right? I'm still not comfortable with it? And I feel bad because I'm not that happy. It's almost like they've been trying to get pregnant, and Amy isn't even divorced from her husband yet. They've been together 5 months, and she's already gotten pregnant twice? I don't know. I mean, it's not something I worry about, but I do worry about the drama that somehow seems to ensue around Amy and Chris, and this will just be the biggest issue of them all, not for me, because I don't give a fuck about anyone right now, but I'm tired of the drama, especially from other family members. I wish I didn't know this piece of news at all.
Another secret? Jasmine has been sent to some teen home, because she's been outrageous in Arizona. Hardcore drinking, hardcore drugs, fucking random guys, she's cutting herself, and she's only in the 9th grade. Her new boyfriend hates her stepfather, Darin, the one man in Jasmine's life that has been her constant, her real FATHER since she was a toddler. And now she practically spits in his face because of all the nasty things her piece-of-shit of a boyfriend has been putting into her head. Jasmine was even caught with two guys in some motor home the last time they went to the desert. What is that girl doing besides hating herself? She needs help.
And of course, I'm the only one to know this besides Katrina and Tara because Angie is so embarassed and doesn't really know what to do about her daughter. And of course again, this only makes me wonder about Mariah. I know they're two separate people, and I trust Mariah more than I trusted Spam when she was that age, but it just makes you wonder. Mariah reminds me of me when I was 15. No, Mariah is more of a good girl than I was at 15, but it's pretty damn close. Who knows, though? I mean, who REALLY knows?
This is just two secrets, imagine all the shit on my conscience that people have told me and said "don't tell anybody, but..." What do I have to do, seclude myself and not talk to anybody?
7:43 p.m. - 2007-04-08
"Always give everyone you love, all the love you can give. "
Dreams. I've been having a lot of them. I did have a dream about my mom the day before her birthday, as I had expected. The only problem is, did I dream about her because I was supposed to dream about her, or was it because I was expecting to, and it was already on my mind? I dunno, something to think about.
I've been having a lot of "pretty" dreams, which to me means dreaming about stuff that I find really beautiful, i.e. water, mtns, rain, snow, etc. Fuck it, I'll just list them here for future reference.
Snow: inhibitions, repressed/unexpressed emotions and feelings of frigidity. You need to release and express these emotions and inhibitions. You may also be feeling indifferent, alone and neglected.
Lake: To see a lake in your dream, signifies your emotional state of mind. If the lake is clear and calm, then it symbolizes your inner peace.
Mountains: To see mountains in your dream, signifies many major obstacles and challenges that you have to overcome. Alternatively, mountains denotes a higher realm of consciousness, knowledge, and spiritual truth.
Flowers: To see colorful flowers in your dream, signifies kindness, compassion, gentleness, pleasure, beauty, and gain. It is also symbolic of perfection and spirituality.
Stairs: To dream that you are walking up a flight of stairs, indicates that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual/emotional/material journey.
Candy: To see or eat candy in your dream, symbolizes the joys and special treats in life. It also represents indulgence, sensuality and/or forbidden pleasure.
Jacket Zipper: To see a broken or stuck zipper in your dream, signifies your frustration in not being able to resolve a situation or problem.
Rain: To dream that you are watching the rain from a window, indicates that spiritual ideas and insights are being brought to you awareness. It may also symbolize fortune and love.
I guess these are a good jumping off point.
11:16 p.m. - 2007-03-20
It JUST started raining right now. Is that a sign, or just our extended winter weather forecast?
Can you feel hopeless but still hopeful in your heart at the same time? Is it possible to just give up and be done with everything, but deep down never be able to give up completely? Is that where faith comes into play? Do alcohol and drugs and all other sorts of addictions start because someone just gives up, just throws away any type of positive thinking, and just lives day by day, never putting effort or faith into anything or anyone, therefore drowning themselves in superficial substances to take away the pain or to prevent themselves from actual thinking?
I know I'm just babbling on here, but sometimes I wonder about this. It's shit like this that makes me want to get my psychology degree.
Spam called me today about her sociology class, which is cute because I took the exact same course in college. We ended up debating about some subjects that they're discussing in her class. The problem is, Spam can't effectually debate for the life of her. She can't "argue" about stuff without getting heated and passionate about the subject, which I love, by the way, but it just made me laugh. I wasn't even debating with her, just mentioning some facts and trying to get her to understand the other side. I didn't even give her my own opinion about them. I dunno, it was funny, Spam trying to be all intellectual. I love that girl.
I wish it would rain more often.
This is the most confusing entry I've written in a long time.
9:33 p.m. - 2007-03-04
Yesterday was my 25th birthday. At first, I was kinda annoyed that I was 25, and felt really old at midnight as I took my first birthday shot of the day. 25 is still a baby, they're saying. I'm not buying it. I feel like I'm barely 21. Nonetheless, it was one of the best birthdays I've had in a few years. Who would have known that could've happened? I don't know how I functioned throughout the day. I was motherfuckin' fucked up for half of it. Don't worry, I'm not complaining.
The get-together with 30+ people was decent. Good size house for a good amount of people, without it getting annoying. I had a good time, mainly because my people are hilarious when they're under the influence. Nick started videotaping much of the debauchery out on the patio. He just set the camera and left it. Yeah, rewinding and watching it the morning after was surreal.
My sister was the best part of the entire day. I missed her a lot, and after she was fucked up, much of her drunk jibber-jabber was about how much she misses, and how she needs to come down more often, because she goes through withdrawals without us. We took shots together, just me and her, throughout the entire night. It's funny, she has a major accent when she's inhebriated, a cross between a southern debutante and a so cal valley girl. How did I miss that?
I ended up not seeing one of those pseudo-psychics, mainly because there wasn't any time. No fretting, though. I can do that whenever. I did, however, get a carton of cigarettes, a new purse, some cash, and a few other substances. All is good.
I am sorta irked that I didn't get to blow out any sort of candle yesterday. I got the song, but no wish. Maybe it's just as well. Maybe wishing isn't the way to go this time around.
We'll see how 25 pans out for me.
7:30 p.m. - 2007-02-21
Sam chewed me out a couple times last week for my non-eating habits. This coming from the girl that used to have to get high in order for her to have an appetite.
So anyways, I was watching Silvia Browne for two seconds today on TV, and I thought it would be cool to go to a psychic for my birthday, you know, something to do that might be interesting but that I would never actually pay for, because it's probably bullshit. You never know, though. Even though I'm depressed, I still find myself being spiritual in my own way, maybe more. Of course, I could just be holding onto something that isn't there, but...there's still that "you never know" that I've been saying forever. You just never know...Nothing's predictable. In saying that, what's the point of going to a psychic if I think nothing's predictable? For sheer entertainment, that's what.
Now John Edward, he's the real deal. I would go to his show in a second, though I'd have mixed feelings about being read. On one hand, I'd want to, because that's the curious person that I am, and it interests me, just as going to a psychic on my birthday interests me, but on the other hand, I would get way too emotional if John Edward told me my parents were sending him messages for me.
Maybe that's the type of crap I need, though. My aunt had a co-worker give her a psychic reading and told her I have a black cloud over my head and to watch out for me, because I hold everything inside and put a lot of pressure and worries on my shoulders. I dismissed that info at the time. But then again, I was happier with myself then.
It weird, thinking back at the type of person I was, not even that long ago, maybe a couple years. I feel like I was an entirely different person. I don't recognize that person. I was so much stronger than I am now. I cared more about my life. I was more determined and satisfied with all the little things that made up me. I'm not sure if that was just naiveness or not. Not that I'm completely falling apart right now. I'm just not the same, it's odd. I feel like I'm darker in some ways. Objectively, I don't know if I like that. It all doesn't matter anyway, I have my good days, and I have my bad ones. I'm sure it'll even out later.
Reading back on this entry, what the fuck am I babbling on about?
10:25 a.m. - 2007-02-08
I kinda don't want to get into the details of the dreams themselves, but everyone says that I seem happy in them. Katrina and Amy think they're dreaming of me because I look different to them in real life, which is also kinda funny, because you don't really look different to the people you live with, because you see them everyday. Ok, I get it, I look different.
Valentine's Day is coming up, and yeah, everyone knows I can't stand the holiday, even when I'm with someone. This is around the time that I usually go through my whole "Valentine's Day is wack, because when I worked at Hallmark it was horrendous...but I give people valentines anyway" yadda yadda yadda routine. I think Valentine's Day is for the insecure. Think about it. You're insecure because you don't feel loved enough if you don't get something for V-day. And, for the givers, if you don't GIVE something great for V-day, they won't love you, or won't know how much you love them. Well, that's wack.
I gotta find someone that sees eye-to-eye with me on this, because every V-day, one of my peeps is disappointed in some way.
I feel like shit, I should go sleep it off.
3:08 p.m. - 2007-01-28
Anyways, like I mentioned in my myspace blog, I'm not so sure about life. Yes, it has its ups and downs, and that's sposta be normal, but...I'm sort of lost right now. Again, yes, I've been a lost for awhile now, but...I'm really starting to contemplate and wonder about it all.
I feel like life is like a really big maze. Everyone starts off on the same path towards wherever they think they're supposed to go. So, you move forward in this maze, minding your own business, thinking you're going in the right direction, when you hit a dead end. So, what do you do? You turn around and start over again, retracing your steps, trying to find a new path that you hope will eventually bring you to the end. You meet people along the way, wandering through the same maze as you, with the same intentions as you. You can leave them behind to find their own way, or you walk with them and bring them along for the ride. Bad things can happen along the way to try to steer you clear from going the right way, but as the years go by, you learn which paths are the right ones, and which ones are a waste of time. If you're smart and determined enough, you'll keep going until you reach the end, despite anything that happens.
The more I write on and on with this maze analogy, the more I sound like a complete idiot. Oh well.
As the months go by, everyone keeps telling me that I'm looking more and more like Spam, only darker and slightly more exotic, of course. I never thought I looked like her in any way. I guess that's what happens when you don't eat. It's not like I'm trying to not eat, I'm just depressed I guess. And, what sucks is, when people tell me I'm looking good, it does absolutely nothing for me. I wish I could be happy with the changes my body is going through, but it's my emotional changes that has all of my attention right now. For the 500th time today, I need to relax.
Spam and Amy both started college for the first time this semester. I'm happy for them. I'd been trying to get Spam to go back to school forever, and now I feel relieved because she's getting her life in order. I got to spend a short period of time with her last weekend. I miss her terribly.
I want to get over this. Seriously.
6:17 p.m. - 2006-12-28
Christmas 2006 was sweet. I don't mean sweet like...dude..sweet. I mean, sweet as in...aww, that's sweet. All 258 of us went to Auntie Jo's tiny place and had Christmas dinner there. She'd never had Christmas dinner at her place before, so she was really excited and anxious that she pulled it off sort of by herself. Though almost everyone I love was surrounding me on this holiday, I didn't feel much relief or calmness until my sister arrived. I feel like I don't really know her on a daily basis anymore, but as soon as she got there, everything seemed as it was before we went our separate ways. I dunno, it was weird.
Auntie Doris had a little conversation with me at the gathering, and she told me she HAD to tell me about this dream she had about my mom. She had dreamt that her husband had gone to work, and my mom was standing there wearing a really pretty sequined dress. She got into bed with my aunt and just laid with her and cuddled. She told her to keep an eye out for me and Sam. So, she's added us in her "main" prayers everyday. Sweet, right?
Also, Auntie Cerila hugged me for a long time before she left to go home, letting me that "you girls are my daughters." She's so sincere in everything she says and does. It was pretty touching, because I haven't been someone's daughter in a long time. I didn't know what to say, so I just smiled and said 'Thank You', and gave her another really big hug. Sweet too, right?
I may be down on myself 75% of the time at this stage of my life, but I do have a great family.
On another note, I've got so many things to think about for the new year. I would write them down here, but I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions. I'll keep them right here for now.
5:28 p.m. - 2006-12-20
I'm REALLY feeling the Xmas blues right about now. I'm missing people, I'm missing places, and I'm missing life. This depression business is getting old. So is the drama business in the house. And, yet, none of it is going away anytime soon, as far as I can tell. I want to say that I'm numb, but that would mean that I don't feel. In that case, I'm not numb, because I'm feeling a lot. Maybe I'm feeling too much.
I want to talk to somebody. I guess I kind of feel lonely. I don't know what that would do to help, but it wouldn't hurt in trying, I guess. Katrina is so preoccupied with her brother's relationship, it wouldn't matter what I wanted to get off my chest. I don't ever really see my aunt, except on the weekends, and even that is scarce. Tara is busy with her own household problems with the boyfriend, and Nick is in the same boat as me, the only difference being, he puts in his headphones and zones out everything and everyone. My sister calls sometimes, but we pretty much shoot the shit, unless she's having problems with her boyfriend or his mother.
I know I'm the listener. I get that. I understand what that entails. Once in a great while, I want to be listened to, though. Not often...just once in a great while.
I guess that's what writing in here is for. Why doesn't it seem enough? I dunno, I'm being dumb. I've held this shit in for this long, right? Doesn't matter. It's so much easier getting drunk alone and listening to sad music, anyway. Ok, I'm gonna end this here, because this entry is getting way too depressing even for me.
11:20 a.m. - 2006-12-12
It's funny how I seem semi-normal in my myspace blog, joking about christmas and seeming half excited to start doing all those little Christmas-y things that we always do every year, but honestly, I've never really felt "in the spirit" of the holiday. I like getting the kids excited for Christmas, doing little traditions with them, but..yeah..that's about it. It's okay though, everyone gets the Christmas Blues, I think. When it gets closer to the 25th, I'll settle down some, and I'll enjoy the holiday somewhat.
I think Tri-Tri and Amy are worried about me. I'm not really sure why, because I don't do or say anything out of the ordinary. Tri always asks me if I've eaten today, Amy always wonders what I'm thinking about, and I just don't know what to make of it. It's to the point where it's sort of annoying, but I know they care about me, so I can't really get annoyed. Tri once told me that, even when I seem super happy, I have a "thoughtful sadness" in my eyes. She says my eyes give me away everytime. Maybe that's true? Iowno?
So yeah, my dad's birthday is on the 17th. He would be....this is me counting....54. I wonder what he would look like now. Without a picture to look at, it's hard for me to imagine about what either one of them looked like in my head anymore. Yeah, it's been a long time.
My aunt has a week off from work this week, but I don't think she'll ever slow down to rest during these 7 days. She never does. I think she just uses her paid vacations to catch up on everything she needs to get done. That kinda sucks.
I finished another painting.
11:20 a.m. - 2006-12-05
Even after my dad died, I wondered if my mom would ever be with another man. Of course, this was before I knew how sick my mom was. She never wanted to be with another guy, but I wonder now if it was because she probably figured she would die sooner than later, or because she couldn't imagine herself with someone else other than my dad. Probably both.
I can't imagine being married to the same person for 25 years. No, I take that back, I can. It just depends on the individual people. There's no way in hell I'm getting married more than once. I WILL NOT be divorced.
On another note, Cerina eloped. I'm happy for her, even if her parents are not. They are very very VERY strict Christian people. It sucks, because her older brother and her older sister were both forced into marriage because of pregnancy and the "abomination" of having children before marriage. But, Cerina just wanted to get married because she's in LOVE. And, they still didn't support her, so she eloped. I think they thought of her as their "last chance" at having the perfect daughter. I'm sure it'll all blow over, but I feel for her.
5:58 p.m. - 2006-11-30
"I realize more and more everyday, that I'm becoming a different person. I'm not sure how, exactly, all I know is that I'm not the same. I don't know when it started, or how it will eventually play out. In turn, I'm afraid during this process. Anything can happen, whether it be my worst nightmare, my lowest low, or that my childhood dreams will finally come true.
I'm blessed that I still have my faith. And, I don't usually use my faith very often, but I know I've always had it in me. And, now, more than ever, it shows up again during my most difficult, my most confusing, and my most profound, life-turning moments. I believe in so much. And my faith, along with my intuition, is going to be one of the keys in this. I know it. And I can say "I know it" because I have that faith with me.
I know it. And, I'm ready to start conquering this."
How much of this has changed, you ask? Strangely enough, not much of it. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I'm not ready to give up my hopes and beliefs yet. Of course, where I was in my life and what that entry was about isn't the same, but I still like to think that I have that. There are just certain things that I'll never let go, and I'll take it to the grave with me.
4:42 p.m. - 2006-11-27
Him: Dude, you're like the perfect girlfriend. How come you haven't been scooped up yet?
Me: Uhh, maybe I don't want to be scooped up?
Him: What? Why the fuck not? Every girl wants to be scooped up.
Me: What the hell is scooped up?
Him: Aw c'mon, you know every girl is looking for a dude, even when they say they're not.
Me: Well, I'm REALLY not. Broken heart, scarred soul, nuff said.
Him: Oh, one of those.
Anyways, I'm just gonna lay it all out.
I'm living in this house, surrounded with everyone's drama...I feel like I'm the only normal person here, and let me tell you, I highly doubt I'm anywhere near normal.
I mean, I know I'm just naturally a good listener when it comes to people venting their problems, and normally I'm really supportive, but it's exhausting, and irritating.
I'm hearing all these people's issues, and I just keep thinking that they are the same ones...over and over and OVER again. You can only listen and try to help so much, especially when they don't follow your advice. So, why bother? People are gonna do and feel what they want.
Amy in particular has so many issues, I can't keep hearing everything she says everyday. She talks and talks and talks, and I just say "mmhmm" and "yeah" over and over, not hearing a word she's saying. She seriously stresses me out with all her shit.
It also doesn't help that Katrina now has this hatred against Amy because she's "hanging out" with Chris, though only God knows why. I'm totally down for Katrina always, but I can't take sides when I live in the house with the both of them. I hear one side of something, and then I'll hear another side. I'm caught in the middle of this stupid game of telephone, and I don't know who the hell to believe. I just want to chill.
My aunt, on the other hand, goes out to the bars every weekend to hook up. She'll come home with a guy or three, thinking other girls in the house will want to hook up (and sometimes they do.) When she's not trying to hook up, she's involved with a guy MY age, who happens to be married, who also happens to do a little crystal on the side. By involved, I mean they fuck every once in awhile when he can get away in the middle of the night.
I don't understand any of this.
And then everyone wonders why I just keep to myself 80% of the time. Sure, I'll hang out and drink on the weekend, but other than that, I don't get involved with the drama. I can't believe how out of the loop I am. I just zone out. It's scary how indifferent I've become, even though I know deep down inside, I still care. I just feel like I've got nothing to offer these people. I'm trying to focus on myself here.
So, it sounds like everyone is wanting to go to the bay area for Christmas. Again, not much into the spirit this year. Maybe I'll just chill here if they go up north. I wonder if Vegas for New Years is still intact.
Relocation is sounding better and better.
1:01 p.m. - 2006-11-21
This didn't stop the guy from wanting her, though. So, he drove from Colorado to Kansas, just to see her and try to get her back. But, she couldn't do that. She eventually told him that he needed to go back to his wife and children. Everyone thought she was crazy for letting him go, but something inside her told her that this was how it had to be. In the end, he did eventually go back to his wife, and the woman went her own way.
What woman would turn away a guy like that, and follow her intuition instead?
What does that say about her? What was it about her that was so intriguing, that a man would do anything to get her back? And, what other things don't I know about her life before me or Sam? I think about that all the time.
On another note, Amy told me yesterday that I look like a different person. I I didn't press it, but I'm not entirely sure what that means. I know she didn't mean it in a negative sense. Did she mean physically, because I know I do look sort of different. Emotionally? Do I not act like me anymore?
I handwrote a deep,long letter last night, and folded up really small and tucked it into my pillowcase. I haven't done that since I was 17. But, I felt better.
Spam will be absent for Thanksgiving, because her friend is getting married in Vegas, and apparently she's a bridesmaid. It's the first major holiday I've had without her. It sucks major balls.
7:23 p.m. - 2006-11-18
The more I think about it, the more I realize that I could do it. What had me tied here in the past isn't really tying me down anymore. I could move away and not have to worry about other people. I could focus on me. Have I come to the point in my life where I don't care what anyone thinks? That I want to do what I want to do, and not have to sacrifice myself in order to please or help others? Sure, I'm a helping person, but when have I ever had the chance to help myself, without it benefitting someone else in the process? I don't think I've ever done that in my entire life, just worrying about myself and no one else...God, that sounds sad.
I don't know if I would necessarily pick Arizona. Katrina's been there twice, and she always comes back raving about how she wants to move there, how the vibe there is so much more laid back and relaxing, how she feels stress free when she goes there. In my opinion, I think I would move anywhere at this point, just as long as it was something new. Maybe I'm done with California for now, or maybe I'm just in a phase where I want everything to change, including my surroundings. New location equals new job, equals new people, new scenery, new everything.
But, then I'm afraid that I'll have a change of scenery, and everything will still be the same. It's like that LA song, where she leaves LA and moves somewhere else, then moves back to LA because she learns that she's going to have trouble wherever she goes. I don't want that. But, what harm would it do to just try it for a year? I've got nothing else going for me, at this point. Maybe I'm just depressed, it hasn't been that long...
I could move anywhere, I guess. Where would I go? What would I do? Who would I meet? Would I be happy? How much would I miss my family, and would I be able to handle that?
Maybe next year...it's not that far away.
12:47 a.m. - 2006-11-12
I've been thinking a lot about death lately. Sure, death has been all around me since I was a little girl, but lately, I've been pondering it more and more. No, not pondering it in any way where I want to die, but I've just been thinking about...well, I don't know how to explain how I've been thinking about it. Sometimes I wonder which is worse, having someone you love taken away from you without a moment's notice, them being there one second, and them being gone with the snap of your fingers in the other. Or, is it worse to watch the ones you love slowly wither away, death seeping into their bodies and mind, knowing full well they haven't much time left until they know there's nothing else to do except to let go.
The dream about Samantha dying a month ago was what kicked all of this off, I think. That, and watching my grandmother get worse. It's only a matter of time, and it's hard to remember all of the things she used to do when we were little, how energetic she used to be, how much personality and spirit she held inside her...and now I'm not even sure she remembers how to tie her shoes. It kills me, but I know somewhere deep in there, she's still there.
Great, now I'm starting to not make sense. It's either really late or my cold/flu thing is starting to get to me. I need some 'tussin'.
7:01 p.m. - 2006-11-05
-Wine drinking with Chris, Jason, Nick, Amy, Chrissy, Me on Friday night.
-Sushi with Nick and Tri-Tri on Saturday afternoon. It was decent.
-Heinekens with the peeps afterwards, listening and singing old skool songs from Nick's ipod @ the top of our lungs. Reminiscing about the good ol' days.
-Swap Meet early Sunday morn. Meeting up with Jason and Kristina just to chill. Browsing jewelry w/Mariah.
-Amy's neverending drama. Nuff said.
-Charger/Browns game. Amy cooking dinner.(what?)
-Nick wearing mariah's "Varsity Football" Footsie pajamas (they're big)and a cape and running around the house with his arms out, pretending he's a superhero. Fucking hilarious.
Tara and her boy flew to Nashville this weekend for her all-expense-paid trip to the CMA's. She texted me a pic of Sugarland, Josh Turner, etc., and I guess she's getting to see all these country stars. I'm officially envious that she even has the opportunity to be in Nashville.
So, I was watching ER last thursday night, and there was an instance in the episode where a woman suffered a heart attack after learning moments before that her husband had died. They called it "Broken Heart Syndrome", and although I've heard of it before, I never really thought something like that was real. So, because I'm a dork, I googled the syndrome to research up on such a thing. And, apparently it's true. You can die from a "broken heart". I guess if you think about it, it makes sense.
Would it be too morbid to admit to wanting to love and be loved that much? Shut up.
1:06 a.m. - 2006-10-29
12:11 a.m. - 2006-10-27
But, then I would think about how much I would miss the people I love, and how I might be disappointed with my location choice. I wouldn't want to have to move over and over until I found the right place. Everyone knows I'm tired of moving. I just think one more big move might do me some good. I think about applying for jobs in faraway places, just to see if any good offers would be thrown my way, to see if I'd even be tempted to take a job like that. I mean, I could go teach English in some foreign country, save my money, and be happy. I know so many people who do that. I would have to have some major balls to go to a different country alone, though.
I still want to at least visit other states, just to see what it's like. I still want to go to Chicago, New York, Boston, New Orleans, Florida, Seattle. Maybe I've come to the point that my mom came to when she was my age. She traveled this whole country, and loved every minute of it. Not that I'm thinking about it just because my mom did it or anything, but it makes me wonder. As I'm writing this, I doubt I'll go anywhere. Leave California for good? Who the fuck am I kidding? Everyone knows there's only one way I would ever leave the state, and I'm not going to get into that right now.
Who knows though, sometimes I surprise even myself with my decisions and actions.
1:54 a.m. - 2006-10-21
"These past two weeks have literally been a whirlwind, moreso than any other time in my life, besides my parents dying. I feel like we're all growing up. Family members are moving on with their lives, transforming before my very eyes. Little cousins and brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews are maturing, moving away from the dense pack of people that we've slowly built, generation after generation. Nick graduated from high school, no longer the little baby that I used to cart around with me, pretending he was my own. Mariah is a sophomore in high school, continuing on the teenage path with all of her talents and determination to be something great in tow. My sister has her own life now, I realize this finally. I don't see her as often, and I barely talk to her, especially since I no longer have a cell phone, but I'm ok with it. After visiting where she lives, I've made peace with it. She's not a child anymore. Granted, she still has her irresponsible tendencies (the cell phone fiasco), but I can't keep her on a leash anymore....not that I ever could have in the past, but I've completely cut the imaginary cord. She's free. And, I miss her very much, but the realization of her being her own person reassures me. She's thriving, and she's a survivor.
This past move has been the hardest move any one of us has ever endured. It was 4 long days of dealing with dozens and dozens of appliances, furniture pieces, people, moving two seperate houses. The U-Haul truck we rented broke down twice, and waiting for a mechanic until 6 in the morning was worse than the actual move. Every one of us had been sore for days after. But, now I live in a beautiful, two-story, 5 bedroom, 3 bath home, in an awesome neighborhood, closer to all of my favorite places. I feel so much better being "home". There is a large gated front patio, equipped with statues and a fountain, while there is a huge covered veranda in the back, perfect for chillin' outside, smoking cigarettes. I can't wait until it rains and I can go out there and sit and listen to the rain. I miss it.
I'm trying to make a new life for myself here. It's been really hard these past few years, and I'm really starting to change my actions and my way of thinking. I'm trying not to be scared to speak my mind anymore. It doesn't do any good to keep so much in, though I doubt I'd be able to give myself out completely to anyone that will listen. It's just not my nature, and I know I'll always be one of those people who will never share a little piece of themselves, no matter who it is. But, I can try to be more free to do what I want to do. Granted, I know that while I'm trying to transform myself, I've become indifferent to certain aspects in my life, which in my opinion, isn't a good thing, because indifference can protect you as well as hurt you in the long run, but I'm taking baby steps here.
The indifference is probably an after-effect of my trip to Michigan. I feel like there are so many things I must focus on in my life right now, and love isn't one of them. Broken promises and memories must be swept under the rug and forgotten about. I don't want to admit it, but people are saying I've been traumatized. The one thing I'd been obsessively worried about my entire existence had occurred, and although I'm okay, I seriously doubt I'll be able to love someone again. I know that my people think it's bullshit when I've said it out loud, or they just dismiss it and think that I'm being ridiculous, but unfortunately, this is just what my future is going to entail. It's too much for me to handle. A miracle would have to happen in order for me to get over this. So, until a miracle comes along, I'll stay away from anything that resembles love.
I don't want this journal entry to sound like I'm not doing well, though, because I think I am. I can push the hurt aside and do what I have to do. I'm functioning. Sometimes, when I'm supposed to go out and have a good time with my people, it's like I'm putting on a play. I get into character and act the part I'm supposed to. I'm supposed to want to go out and have fun. I'm supposed to hang with these fuckers and throw worries and dark thoughts out the window when we're together. And, for the moment it works. But, in the car before we get there, I'm depressed, and afterwards, when I come home and lay in my bed in the dark with my thoughts, the depression creeps back. Maybe it'll never go away, and will stay with me like a scar. I'm determined to live with it.
I don't even look the same to me anymore. Well, I'm sure I look like me, but I think I look different.. I remember being a child, and staring at myself in the mirror for so long that I couldn't recognize the reflection before me. I feel like that has happened now. I don't know if it's my attitude or my outlook on life, or just the fact that I rarely eat, but there's something about me that is missing. Or maybe something inside me has transformed, and everything is just different now. I can't pinpoint it, but it would be a waste of time to analyze it to death.
Hopefully I can start writing more entries soon, our internet provider is taking forever to transfer to this house.
12:10 a.m. - 2006-10-16
- The E-40 concert sucked, Jason's birthday was fun, my aunt's wedding reception here at the house was a success, and I've finally seen my sister a couple times while living here.
- I have a new cell phone, which means new plan, new number, etc. I also have internet access, so I guess I'm no longer cut off from the world.
- The pacific islander festival was at the end of September, and really, I didn't do much there except sit with my family and chill for an hour and a half. I've had better PIFAs, but still, it was decent just being with my peeps.
- I'm suddenly on a Country music kick. I have no clue why I always start these phases, but it'll probably be a while before I'm out of the midst of it. So far, every song I've downloaded since getting internet has been country.
- I caught Chris and Amy making out on the couch out on the veranda the other night. Yes, it was awkward for everyone, and I'm completely weirded out. I hope it was just a one-time thing. I get the shivers just thinking about it.
- Nick got his license finally, though we've been letting him drive without one for sometime now. At least it's official.
- Tara has a new boyfriend from Maryland. He's actually really cool, though he's barely 20, and tara is pushing late 20's. I guess it's not supposed to matter, but I have a thing about age differences. Still, he definitely fits in here, so all is well.
- Tre is back to his mohawk ways, the bottom half of mariah's hair is magenta, and I really need a trim. Oh yeah, and my nails are long...at least for the moment I'm no longer a nail biter.
- I like my room, but I still haven't unpacked my boxes. I don't think I ever will.
I also have a journal entry saved on notepad on my laptop, thinking that I'd copy and paste it in here when I finally got online, but I'm not so sure I want to now. I've got to reread it and decide if it'll be the next entry.
I feel like everything around me is drastically changing, and yet, I still feel the same as I did before. Go figure.
4:18 p.m. - 2006-09-22
I've never had so many ups and downs before.
4:15 p.m. - 2006-09-04
We moved back to San Diego just in time for the heat wave, but hey, we're used to it in Temecula. I need a new phone, so hopefully I'll have contact to the outside world again soon.
Shhhhh...gramma's playing the piano.
9:26 p.m. - 2006-08-28
I may be still hurting emotionally, which in turn makes me hurt physically and mentally, but, at the same time, I don't know if I can keep regretting what I've done. I've put a lot of faith into him and into us, and I believed with all of my heart and soul that everything would work out. I don't think I can turn my back on God now and say that it still won't, eventually. Somehow, things will work out, however they are supposed to.
Looking back on the past year, there have been ups and downs with each other. I've laughed with him hysterically, I've cried with him hysterically, and I've loved him hysterically. I pushed ego and pride and fear aside to fly across the country, just to follow my heart. How can I look down on myself for experiencing all of that with him? I'll always love him, for the person that he is, and I'll always feel connected to him, in some way or another. I hope he realizes that. That, somewhere out in this world, there is someone who always accepts him and loves him with all of her heart despite anything....good, bad, fixed, broken, dark, light..anything.
I hope he still continues to talk to me, because I feel like I need to know when's he's ok, or when he isn't, and I know he's the same way about me. For all this time, he's been my best friend. That's the hardest part to let go. Hopefully I won't have to.
I think about us, and I think about how we're so different, but at the same time, when we met, we were both at the same stage in life, emotionally. Maybe we're just what we needed at the time. Maybe our work is done. Maybe it's incomplete, and we'll be connected with each other later on in life. No one really knows.
I also really need to focus on myself, to be more mentally and physically healthy. I started off 6 months ago really well, i'd lost about 25 lbs, and then I started feeling even more insecure. I'd say these past 3 months I've had an eating disorder. Even now, I can't eat properly, because I get nauseous if I don't eat, and I get nauseous if I do, and when I do eat, I can't even keep it down. It's horrible, because I've always been the level-headed one out of everyone I knew. And now...well, I guess I can just sum it up to having a really stressful year. I also will try my damndest not to have to go on anti-depressants or anything like that. Hopefully, when I'm out working and being with my people back in San Diego, my mental being will be better. Crossing fingers, here.
I need to slowly push myself forward, and give up any hope that anything else will happen. I can't get my hopes up so much anymore, for my own benefit. I've got to learn to just throw my hands up in the air and know that it's not up to us at this stage in our lives.
Even if it's still killing me...
12:31 p.m. - 2006-08-22
I think I'm doing ok, though I doubt I can make that decision for myself. I'm sure everyone around me thinks I'm ok, because I refuse to talk about anything in front of them, and I don't want to be sad or depressed in their presence. I smile and laugh and make jokes, just to let them know that I'm doing alright. I don't know if they believe it or not, but I don't care anyway. I'm too stubborn to do anything else in front of them.
I didn't even want to drink while I was in Vegas, fearing I'd probably say something I didn't want anyone to know. That, and I'd probably end up becoming an alcoholic eventually, like my dad. The nights are the hardest, but that's probably because that's when it's the quietest, and I start listening to my thoughts. Basically anytime I'm alone, I feel like shit. I don't know if I should just not be alone, or what. I'd prefer it, though.
It probably doesn't help that I keep listening to the same songs over and over. If I would have taken Carl's cd with me, it would be a thousand times worse though, and I knew it right away, so I didn't take it.
I don't know how I'm supposed to react right now. I've never had an experience like this before. You always see heartbroken people in the movies, extremely depressed, chillin' in their pajamas, listening to some seriously fucking horrible sad music, a box of tissue next to them, blowing their nose, watching old black-and-white movies about love and loss. I don't want to do those things. Why would I want to watch or listen to anything that would make me feel worse? If anything, I'm numb.
Not that I'm normal when I'm by myself. I can't even keep food down, and I wake up about a dozen times through the night. But, I can't bring myself to go on the computer or find someplace in the house to watch tv, so I just lay there in bed, staring at the ceiling.
I blame everything on myself. It's my fault for even opening up in the first place, making myself vulnerable. That's what I get. I won't let it happen again. I'll probably never even get over it. It's just as well. No one knows what's going to happen in the future, anyway.
I wish I could talk to my mom. I used to know what she'd say to me, but it's been so long, I don't even know anymore. I could talk to Katrina's mom, but it wouldn't be good. Samantha probably won't talk to me for a long time. I don't know how I lost everybody. I feel so alone right now. I'm such a fucking idiot.
9:47 p.m. - 2006-08-18
make the same mistakes we're always hanging on
11:22 p.m. - 2006-08-14
And I can't really tell you what I'm gonna do
I'm thinking over
Am I ready for forever?
And I can't really tell you what I'm gonna do
I'm thinking over
He wants to marry me
Father, which way should I go?
I cant really tell you
5:07 p.m. - 2006-08-14
Astrologically associated with Pisces and the Twelfth House
Mermaid types are warm and caring in a passive, receptive way. They are given to daydreaming and to contemplation, a combination that can make them seem curiously absent and fey. They are among the most unworldly of all the types. Despite this they have a strong ability for clear, rational thinking that can be startling. They seem to have a deep, intuitive understanding of the oneness of the universe. They have a desire to help the world at large and are acutely aware of and sensitive to suffering. This is partly because they do not recognize the customary boundaries between people, other living things, time, space, this world and the Otherworld. They are frequently psychic. They can be brilliantly original and highly creative. They are usually regarded by others as benign eccentrics or as plain weird.
Your Shadow Creature:
This shadow is prone to a sense of stagnation due to lack of motivation and laziness. Nothing durable is ever produced. Practical activities may never be embarked upon. There is an underlying sense of futility and hopelessness. Disillusionment results from their lack of confidence that they can change anything for the better, and in any case they do not have the will. At the same time there is an underlying grandiosity and even megalomania reflected in their dreams and aspirations. They need to feel special. Instead, they may simply overindulge or neglect themselves physically. The biggest obstacle of weak Earth is to overcome self-centeredness and greed; the biggest obstacle of weak Fire is to overcome anger and aggression.
10:08 p.m. - 2006-08-09
My self esteem is dwindling pretty quick here, and I know I wasn't the most confident person to begin with, but I've NEVER been like this. I continuously tell myself that I'm stupid for doing or not doing this, and saying or not saying that. It's come to the point where I'm making myself physically sick from it, and that just isn't right. What happened to the semi-happy, healthy person that didn't give a fuck about anything? Where's the person that would chill and talk to her people like it was nothing, and give OTHER people advice about their fucked up lives.
I swear I'm caught in-between doing too much and telling myself it's never enough. I know people around here are keeping an eye on me to make sure I'm eating, to see if I'm crying again, to watch out if I'm gonna break down and freak out. Things just don't seem okay right now. And, throughout my entire life, I don't think I've ever fully felt this way before.
Some things mean too much to me right now, and I think it's because I feel like I don't have anything to show for anything I've done or said I wanted to do. I'm holding onto everything and everyone I have, and it's like it's all slipping away. I'm so stubborn sometimes, and I'm not where I want to be in anything, and it just seems like I'm never going to get there.
I worry about seeing carl A LOT, and I'm sure he knows that because of all the freak-outs, and the bizarre dreams in which he interprets as me being afraid. I try not to care, but I can't help it. My confidence is shot, and I feel like I'll go there and he won't want to be with me. I'm scared he'll think I'm ugly, too fat, or too anal, too neurotic, not smart enough, not confident enough, and it's even come to the point where I worry that he won't like me because I worry too much. And, what sucks is, I don't think im any of those things. I know that when I'm ok, I'm ok. I don't think so little of myself normally. But, right now, I can't even stand too look at myself. And, I know he says that he'll love me no matter what, and I know he really, really means it, but there's something wrong in my brain where I just can't accept it. I can't accept the idea that someone could love me for me, when I don't even love myself at this stage in my life. I'll screw it up somehow.
And now, my sister won't talk to me because of some stupid cell phone. Sure, I should have never put a phone for her under my name (again), but I have problems denying my sister anything. She basically ignored me for the past 5 days, despite the fact that it's her fault that my cell phone is cut off, and she owes so much money. I got a message back from her finally today (on myspace, because a phone call would just be too much), and she basically put me down for getting money every month. I get just a FRACTION of what she makes in a month, but hey, it's okay to talk shit because I don't have a job and she has to work for her cell phone money. She doesn't even have any other bills besides the cell phone under MY name. I'd hate to think what she'll do when she realizes I cut her phone off permanently. She'll probably disown me, and I won't be able to take that...She's killing me...literally.
So I don't have a job...or a car...or a phone now...or anything. I live in a room with a bed and boxes all around me. I cook dinner every night, and clean. But, what good is that? What does that make me? I could have tried harder to find a job. I could have walked somewhere and got a minimum wage paying position where I serve food through a drive-thru. Would I get more respect for it? Are my standards too high? It's not like I graduated college or anything. I couldn't even finish that...
At least I would have money if I worked at some shitty job. My clothes are getting bigger and bigger, and I can't even afford to get an outfit. That's pretty bad. What 24 year old can't even buy herself a pair of pants? Sometimes I wonder what the kids from my graduatiing year are doing. Probably getting their masters, or getting married and having babies...I'm sure they at least have a job and a car. I can't even stay in one place to live for a few months anymore. What is wrong with me??
Maybe I am having a nervous breakdown. With all the shit that's ever happened in my life, I'm probably due. People used to make comments about how I've had a hard life, and that I've turned out pretty good despite whatever was going on. I was strong, and resilient, independent, and fucking sharp. I believed them, and now it's come to the point where I don't think I'm any of those things.
And, at the same time, it could be so much worse. I could be so much worse. I need to figure out how to get through all of this.
1:12 p.m. - 2006-07-15
Since living in the IE (inland empire), I couldn't think of anything else but San Diego, and how I miss the beaches, the weather, the people and the neighborhoods, the excitement of summer in SD, and the closeness of everything. The jobs are flourishing there, there's a better chance for transportation (thank the Lord), and at least once a week, I fantasize a rendevous with the REAL carne asada burritos from El Cotixan.
But, at the same time, I'm kinda sad. Don't get me wrong, I can't stand Temecula/Murrieta/aka-the-deserted city, but yet again, I have to pick up and move. I can't even stay in one place for a year anymore. And, granted, it's not entirely my fault, but anyone who knows me, knows that moving for me was once a really, really hard thing for me to do. And now, it's like it's no big deal. And, I feel like it should be a big deal, damnit. I mean, I haven't unpacked my moving boxes in 4 years, because I know that it would be a waste of time. I doubt anything relevant to my life are in those boxes anymore (I'm not the same person now as I was at 20), and yet I refuse to touch them. That's pretty bad. The day I finally unpack, completely and fully, will be a big step in my life, I think.
I've started painting again, and throughout the years of this journal (at least 4 years worth of rantings, silliness, and sadness), I've mentioned the going-back to painting frequently. It's almost like a pattern. I start out fine, and I slowly stop doing art, then I get depressed and sad and basically pathetic, and then it gets to the point where I want to go back to art again, and then I start to feel better again. It's a cycle. You know, that psychic said that I would always go back to art, because it calms me, now that I think about it. I didn't really realize that until now. She really knows how to read a person.
And, in all honesty, it really does calm me. I feel like I'm accomplishing something, and I try to do detailed art in order for me to concentrate and stay quiet. I rarely talk when I paint. And in the end, when I finish painting for the day, or when I decide that it's completed, I feel relieved and better about myself. Ahh, the wonders of art. It's like writing.
Time to go.
10:24 a.m. - 2006-07-08
The "little girl" known as Sandra got into a fight with her aunt, and now she's not talking to me because I "disrespected" her for the last time.
First of all, I can't recall a day in my life where I disrespected anyone of my 7 aunts. Second of all, if I disrespected her, it wasn't in vain, and it wasn't without good reason. People don't automatically get respect because they're older than me or because they're an aunt. They earn the respect that is given to them. Demanding it out of someone isn't going to work.
Thirdly, even if it was my aunt, and I should be respecting her, there's the fact that I'm not a child. I'm 24 years old, and I have a mind of my own. It isn't about respect to me, it's about getting my point across. If she's the supposed "adult" and I'm the "child", then why was the aunt trying to come at me and physically fight me? What kind of aunt does that? And, if I was the child she thinks I am, why was I the one to walk away because of the sheer ridiculousness of it all?
Note to self: find out if ridiculousness is a word.
Fourth, I was just sticking up for Katrina, who was basically being treated like shit for something that had nothing to do with her. In fact, the situation had nothing to do with me, at that point. But, I felt I needed to step in and defend Katrina, because she was physically and emotionally incapable of doing it all by herself at that moment. No offense to her, but health-wise, Katrina shouldn't have to deal with petty issues that make her cry and shake and blood pressure spike.
Fifth, I think anyone would go off on someone (aunt or not) if they had the audacity to include their deceased mother into the argument. If they only knew how that really feels, they'd understand that a statement involving my dead mother is like spitting in my face. She could have said anything else in the world, but she chose the one thing that, in my opinion, is untouchable to everyone else besides my sister. Out of the entire event, that one comment was the worst part of it. Maybe that's childish, but losing your parents as a kid might have something to do with it.
Being the worried, analytical person that I am, I've analyzed the 30 second argument to death, and I can't find one part of my side that I regret. Honestly, I still feel I have nothing to be sorry for in that event. I know my heart was in taking care and defending someone else, because I was witnessing her mistreatment. I know people in my family don't like to go off on others because they don't want a conflict, and I'm like that too, to a point, but if they're doing that shit in your face, and you're seeing and hearing it with your own eyes and ears, it's pretty hard to ignore and not get angry at, unless you're a fucking lampost.
Bottom line, no one messes with my family, even if it's another family member...and ESPECIALLY not over 50 fucking dollars.
5:52 p.m. - 2006-06-29
Ok, so there's something going on around me right now, and I can't figure out where it's coming from. I keep smelling my mom's smell. It's kind of a mixture of fresh air trapped in a jacket, and keri lotion. It is the oddest thing, but I've been inhaling that scent all day, no joke. I even changed my shirt twice, because I thought it was my deodorant or lotion or something. But, it's there. And, it's driving me crazy.
Maybe I'm depressed because I keep smelling it. Or, maybe I smell it because I'm depressed. Maybe it's supposed to be comforting. I have no fucking clue. Very few people know the smell I'm talking about. I was going to tell my aunt that I live with, but she'd probably think I was hallucinating. For fucks sake, I could be, at this point.
I could have had a bad dream. Sometimes, my bad dreams carry on into my life in the day, setting me up with a mood concocted by whatever fears or demons I'd been facing during my REM state. Maybe that's all it is.
I need new clothes. And, I just realized, I haven't smoked at all today. Maybe my depression is really nicotine withdrawal, though I doubt that my low self-esteem stems from the lack of a cigarette. I don't hold that much power in a pack of Marlboros, really.
Tomorrow will probably be a better day. There's so much going through my head right now, and maybe I just need to relax a little. Maybe, I'm making it worse by worrying and trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. This whole entry has the word "maybe" in it, it's pathetic. I need to chill.
4:27 p.m. - 2006-06-07
I don't want to say I'm depressed, though everyone has been saying that I probably am. But, I'm not always sad...just lately. Maybe it's just all stresses and worries building up until I start freaking out. And, I have been freaking out.
I'm so ashamed, I have to write this to calm myself down, and there's no way I'd write this on myspace. It's too embarassing.
I hate this. I don't feel like myself. Please God, tell me I'm just pmsing. It would be so much better than actually having something wrong with me.
7:55 p.m. - 2006-05-25
I'll even admit that I would benefit from it, but it's astonishing how many of my family members are going about dealing with their issues in ways that doesn't seem to be working, but rather making things even worse.
My sister is pretty hard-headed, but this isn't anything new. I can worry about her to death, and yet nothing will come from it, because I can't change her mind in any way. I can only hope that telling her about my feelings will sway her way of thinking so that she can empathize with what I'm going through when I do worry about her...because nothing else seems to be working. She, like everyone else, needs to be approached a certain way, or else she'll pull away entirely, and I don't think I could forgive myself if it ever resulted in that.
I know my aunt is coming from a good place when she "talks" to my sister about the things that are worrying her, but maybe it comes out the wrong way, or maybe Samantha just takes it the wrong way, and now there is just no respect for either person towards each other. And, I feel like I'm stuck in the middle. I know where my aunt is coming from (because I worry constantly), and I know where my sister is coming from (because I know what it's like to be told things about myself that I don't believe or want to hear about from my aunt).
What hurts the most is that my sister just told me over the phone that sometimes she can't talk to me. Yeah, that's how it's always been. My sister has never really confided in me the things that a sister should and could confide...and it makes me sad. Maybe, in that aspect, she is just too opposite from me to be able to do that. But, it still doesn't stop the hurt that it causes me, especially since she's always been the only thing keeping me going in this world.
And, then I think about her age, and my age, and just our personalities, and how they always clash on certain issues, and I can't really put the blame on me or her (well, it's always easier to blame myself, being the older sister). I've always prided myself in the relationship I've had with my sister, despite our clashing differences...and I realize now, that maybe it's just too different. Do I give up? Do I accept the fact that i'll never be as close to my sister as I want to be? There are so many things throughout our adolescence that I've "found out" about rather than her just telling me. And, everytime it happens, I feel a mixture of sadness and misunderstanding.
Even right after my parents passing, I've had this urge to protect her, to stay as close to her as possible, because as an older sister, I felt like that is what I'm supposed to do. I put so much guilt on myself, because I feel like I'm letting her down all the time. I should be taking care of her if she can't financially, but I can't, because I'm not financially stable myself. She shouldn't be moving around every which way to different houses and cities and rooms, because it's unhealthy, but I can't stop my own self from doing it. Granted, she's old enough to take care of herself, but sometimes I feel like she isn't. And, that's probably the parental side of me. Or, maybe that's just me being the ultimate sister that I always feel like I need to be.
Aren't sisters supposed to feel like they can say or do anything with each other? Aren't they supposed to be a ble to talk shit when something is not going right, and when to be happy when something is? Regardless of either one, I've always thought that you could say anything. Somewhere along the way, we've lost that, because of not wanting to make the other person feel like they're butting into the other person's life....but, she's always BEEN my life...how do you let go of that?
I did make a promise to my mother that I would take care of my sister after she died. Shit, I was 13 when I made that promise. And, 11 years later, after we've both grown into women, it's haunting me to the extreme. Maybe my mom thought more of me, thinking I would be stable enough to do it, but I can't even get to that point in my life where I can do that...it's pathetic, and it's sad.
I want my sister to be healthy, happy, stable, and to just live her life...and, in the end, I hope she realizes I want to be A PART of her life..because I don't think I am right now, and it's killing me.
This is just emotionally draining.
9:26 p.m. - 2006-05-13
He drowns in his dreams
Oh "when" I don't know
He's magic and myth
Oh coz I don't know
I'm longing for love and the logical
He's soft to the touch
Oh coz I dont know
1:50 p.m. - 2006-04-17
Why do people tell someone who's loved one died, that they're "sorry"? I've never completely understood that. Even when I was younger, and other peers would find out about my parents not being alive, the first thing they would say was that they were Sorry. It came to the point where, people were saying it left and right, and I had become tired and irritated from hearing it so much. Even to this day, I'll get a sorry if they know about my parents, so now 90% of the time, it just makes me refrain from telling others about them at all.
So what's the first thing I say when I find out someone's friend dies? I say "Im sorry". It's inevitable. I don't think it's something you even think about saying, it just automatically comes out, because you really are sorry. At least I always am. Sorry that the person you're talking to is hurting...sorry that if you're a good enough friend, you have this incredible urge to fix any problem that makes them sad, and yet, you can't...sorry that you actually have no words to say except "sorry", because most people are uncomfortable with saying anything else when they find out the news....and, in my case, sorry that I'll never get to meet the friend that touched that person deeply enough to make a lasting impression. I feel like I missed out.
I'm always one of those people that is saddened by tragedy and easily shows emotion during those times. I think I get it from my mother, whom had to quit nursing school at one point, because she was so upset when one of her patients died...I don't think I could handle that day in and day out. I don't think I could harden my emotions like my aunt, the nurse, to the point where I can't cry when someone dies. I don't think I could ever accept that.
I also know that I'm not the type to spew inspirational or positive quotes and sayings like "They're better off where they are", or "He/She is looking down on us"...mainly, I don't because that stuff had ever helped me when my parents died. If anything, it made me think as a young woman, that the sorrow I was feeling was not right. It could have been my age that made me think that, I don't know, but I don't want to disrupt someone's grieving process. Everyone has their own way of doing it, and I'd rather just sit there with them and listen to anything they wanted to tell me.
Is it normal to grieve for someone you don't even know? Am I that sensitive, that I am affected to the point of this? Am I just a little too humanitarian in that aspect? I don't think I am, because I don't think I'd ever want to not care, that's just part of me. And, with that, I don't think I want to apologize for saying Sorry...
11:33 a.m. - 2006-03-25
Last night, me and spam went to Nick's Senior Show. Technically, it wasn't a show for all the seniors, but it was his English teacher's show. They showed baby pictures, did hee-larious skits about growing up and becoming adults, and even did some dancing. Nick and Chris wrote one of the skits they did, and swear to God, Nick's was the funniest one out of all of them.
As the show wore on, it started getting more sentimental, and I started thinking back at being a senior in high school. They even had everyone get their parents and dance to that damn Luther Vandross "Dance With My Father" song that I cannot stand. But Nick, the son that he is, grabbed his mom and led her to the front of the stage, and danced with her.
I kinda got teary-eyed, because Nick is the last of her 6 children to graduate. Oy vey.
oh, and by the way....
Back by popular demand, Alissandra moved back in with her aunt. All is presently ok, stay tuned for more details.
4:15 p.m. - 2006-03-06
So, we're moving again....great, right? it's my 5th time moving in a year, and everytime it happens, I tell myself it'll be a much better move than the last. Or, at least that's what I pretend to tell myself, because in reality, everytime it happens, a little piece of me withers away, my spirit breaking just a little more.
These are supposed to be the best times of my life. I don't know who made up that unofficial rule, but it's not going so well for me. Well, that's not entirely true, because when something bad happens, usually something good from somewhere else comes along to balance it out, almost as if God is giving me a little, tiny glimpse of hope so that I don't completely wash my life away and give up. But, even that, right now it seems, isn't coming through for me.
So yes, I'm moving again. And, again, I don't have a plan. Samantha is very adamant in staying here in Temecula, and, me being the pseudo-free-spirit that I am, I could move back to San Diego in a heartbeat, at least for the time being. I've already started envisioning getting my job back, though I don't know how I would even get there if Samantha keeps the car up here. I would hate to start asking for rides to work everyday again.
It always seems to happen this way, and there's nobody to blame my situation on except for myself. I got myself here, and I'm not even sure I have the strength to get myself out of it. I always think I do, and then when I start living life again, it feels as though there's always something, SOMETHING that says I can't do it, and I have to start all over again...Building my broken self up all over again, getting the confidence to go out there and believe I can do something at least semi-great all over again, trying to be the "adult" that I'm supposed to be all over again, giving myself the benefit of the doubt all over again...And, it's exhausting.
Maybe nothing WILL ever change. Maybe, I'm destined to be in this exact position and environment that I've been in for the past year....but I hope it isn't so. Well, at least I still have my hope...
I want to do the right thing. And, at the same time, I want to do what I want. I'm not sure there's a middle ground. I mean, I'm sure there is, but....I don't even know anymore. Everyone keeps telling me what I "need" to do. And, when I tell them what I "want" to do, I get shot down. But, these people...do they even get it? Do they understand where I'm coming from? I feel like nobody realizes. I feel really, really alone right now. I want to be comforted, and all I get are people lecturing me and getting upset. It only makes me feel like I'm worthless. I can't do anything right anymore.
All I know is that I made a promise. Do I go against that promise? Can I create a way so that I can have both, and not feel guilty about one or the other? I'm so fucking screwed up right now. I don't even feel loved anymore....how pathetic.
The more I write this shit, the more I realize I'm way more depressed than I let on. How could I be so blind? I'll just stop now.
11:06 a.m. - 2006-02-28
3:52 a.m. - 2006-02-19
Love is the answer
Mmm, it's always better when we're together
And all of these moments just might find a way into my dreams tonight
Yeah, it's always better when we're together
I believe in memories, they look so, so pretty when I sleep
7:49 p.m. - 2006-02-12
1) La Jolla Shores.
2) Going to El Coxitan.
3) Tara and Chris.
4) Being in Clairemont and knowing 49 different shortcuts to get home.
5) My job.
6) Having "Beach Talks" with my people when we're feeling down or anxious.
7) 24 hour stores.
8) Driving downtown when we're feeling "cool".
9) Running into someone I know everywhere I go.
10) The Square.
1:04 a.m. - 2006-01-29
Samantha reminded me that Valentine's Day is coming up, and I must say, I could care less. I guess you could say it was the three years working at Hallmark that made me indifferent to most holidays, especially Valentine's Day. Do you know how many stuffed animals and boxes of candy I've sold in my life? Or, how many balloons I've blown up for that matter? I dunno, I'm not that keen on the idea that couples HAVE to get each other something on February 14th. Some women thrive on it, demanding such lavish pieces of jewelry and expensive, but unoriginal dozens of roses and boxes of chocolate, not to mention a well-planned, but predictable night? It seems too much to live up to. I'm not gonna only show my love on Valentine's Day, I'm gonna show it whenever I can.
I wouldn't complain if I did have all those things, by any means, but is it really necessary? I would seriously be happy with a fricken card. Ok, and food. Everyone wants to go out to dinner, whether it's Valentine's Day or just a Tuesday.
But what makes me a hypocrite, is that I always get Samantha something for Valentine's Day, a "sisterly" valentine, you could say. Usually it's just something small, like a card and a nice-smelling candle, but nonetheless, I never fail to do it. Maybe it's because my mom would always get us something for those holidays-V Day, Easter, etc. I've also been known to do the same thing for Mariah and Tre. Yeah, I guess my future children should be expecting the same thing....I really am a hypocrite....
So I was watching Forrest Gump on TNT tonight (yes, very exciting Saturday night, huh?) and I ended up downloading all these oldies from the movie afterwards, mainly because a lot of them reminded me of my parents, my dad especially. The movie made me think about what it would be like to live in that era, and how it would affect me. It doesn't seem like we live in a time where important history-changing events occur. Well, I'm sure there is, but...I dunno, it doesn't seem to be as important as all the other previous events. Sam is convinced she would have been a peace-loving "no war", expand-your-mind-while-taking-hallucinogens-hippie kinda girl. I have no clue where I would be in all of it....Yep...ok, that's all I got, I'm ending here.
2:14 p.m. - 2006-01-13
So that's the beginning quote from this book I've been reading called "The Art Of Loving", which I think is a book that Sam had used as a textbook for 12th grade, though she's said she's never even read it. So I started reading it, you know, because the title sort of captured my attention, and it's so far, an interesting view on Love. The book is definitely dated (circa 1956), but I would say 90% of it still pertains to this era. The more I read of this book, the more I start developing my own theories on Love. If there's any book that could open up my eyes on my own way of Loving, then it would be this one, I'm sure. I've even started highlighting and writing notes in the margins to better remember all of it. It's such a short book, but very potent in the way it's written.
So the more I read this, the more I realize that I am capable of Love, the more I understand that I DO know how to Love, in every aspect. It's making me a little more confident in myself and my abilities. How intriguing says the girl who once thought she couldn't possibly have it. Maybe I should have finished the book before I wrote about it in here. Oh well...
Carl played me a song today...not just any song, but one of my favorite songs on the guitar. Once again, I'm truly touched. Not that I need to write that memory in here to remember, I just felt like documenting it. He mesmerizes me yet again.
It's all around me...I would be a fool to deny it.
3:12 a.m. - 2006-01-04
I'm Dying, Dying to find a distraction, get you away from me
The first time you left I said goodbye
Dying, Dying to die just to come back so we can meet again
It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
I'm Dying and I can't live without you
1:39 p.m. - 2005-12-30
1) The Food, of course. Samantha volunteered to make the turkey, who, by the way, usually doesn't even open her own can for campbell's soup. I was surprised and proud, though. Very Good.
2) Playing Barbie Uno with Isabella, Vince, and Silas. Bella insisted on making it a big game, so we three volunteered our services. We actually forgot how to play for a minute, and 6 year old bella had to teach us.
3) Teaching Tre how to make s'mores. Yum.
4) Karaoke contest, as usual at Auntie Chrissy's house. "Afternoon Delight" was a fave.
5) My presents, of course. Nothing spectacular, but I'm grateful for any gift, at this point. Lotions, soaps, gift cards, candy, picture frames (katrina bought me that, and it almost made me tear), cute scarf, beanie, money. blah blah blah.
10:03 p.m. - 2005-12-26
You are emotional, sensitive, domestic and extremely self-protective. Your relationship with your parents was not balanced in that you were far more affected by your mother than you were by your father. You unconsciously seek your father's qualities in a partner. The people you are close to are well-organized, ambitious and, at times, a bit melancholy. They give your life structure and take care of youpractically and materially (not necessarily financially) the way you take care of them emotionally. You create a nest. You are a nurturing, loving, parenting person who likes to take care of people. You try to create an emotionally safe space for your partner to enable the sharing of inner needs and longings that people outside the home would never suspect. Privacy makes the relationship special for you. Your partners usually require a good deal of attention. They are often serious people and sometimes rather depression-prone. They tend to be ambitious and successful but not very expressive emotionally. They may require more understanding than they give.
Your close relationships are with people who are artistic, attractive and charming. They have taste, style, good manners and aesthetic sensibility. They may also be somewhat flirtatious which occasionally arouses in you feelings of possessiveness. You are personally attractive and charming and probably have always been popular. You enjoy the esteem of others and anyone you are close to would tend to reflect the value system of those you respect and would be popular with them as well.
Your intimate relationships are impacted more by what you saw of your parents' relationship than most people. In your household, your mother's influence was powerful while your father was frequently absent either emotionally or physically. This imbalance left you with a yearning for a stable home shared with a perfect mate and, at the same time, a concern about its ever happening. That concern could manifest unconsciously in an inclination to choose the wrong people so that the relationship could not last or, more likely, allow your abandonment anxieties to seep into the relationship, building the very walls you dread. In time, you may outgrow this simultaneous fear of being alone and fear of dependency. You may learn that losing a relationship can hurt but not destroy. In fact, sometimes good things grow out of bad situations. When something long-feared actually occurs and you survive, you find that your usual defenses -- which tend to keep out the good as well as the bad -- are no longer needed. You can risk intimacy and allow yourself to connect with someone who can commit in a relationship that can work.
Your love nature is very turbulent. You form relationships impulsively and then worry it's with the wrong person. There seems to be a dichotomy between the person you know yourself to be and the person you feel you should be in order to be valued and loved.
You are restless and independent and, no matter how close you become to someone, you always remain your own person and there is a part of yourself you cannot share. You are uncompromisingly true to your convictions which must be shared by those close to you. You have a strong, confident, expressive personality which inspires confidence in others. You often find yourself in a position of leadership as do your partners who are also dynamic and successful. Your relationships are marked by mutual respect.
You have a genial, pleasant quality which inspires confidence in others. It sometimes surprises you the way people trust you with their innermost thoughts. Moral integrity is important to you and, while you are not judgmental, you will not violate a principle.
Power struggles plague your relationships. Either you become the dominant partner out of a fear of being controlled or you become very passive, controlling indirectly through guilt or manipulation. Your father may have been emotionally abusive to you. Your mother was either over-idealized or rejected as a feminine role model. You did not get a clear sense of who you were as a child and, as a result, may set impossibly high standards for yourself. You tend to be a loner.
You are forever embroiled in controversy with people in positions of authority which, at times, may attract public attention. You want and need approval more than you care to admit to yourself, but it must be on your terms and not entail any compromise. As a child, you were permitted to explore and uncover strange phenomena which gave you a specific sense of power and control over your world. You carry that inner security into your adulthood and are drawn to people who are strong and self-reliant.
You're sensitive and perceptive and in touch with your feelings. No matter how difficult a situation is, you feel you can deal with it if you can understand it. Someone who is less emotionally self-aware or expressive would make you feel uncomfortable. You like to discuss everything. Feelings that aren't acknowledged can't be discussed.
You are passionate, competitive and high-spirited and enjoy relationships with assertive, independent people. You're restless and active and, when you are close to someone, like to do things together. You enjoy a good fight and don't carry a grudge. While you may not be overly demonstrative emotionally, you take close personal relationships very seriously and always feel a strong sense of responsibility and loyalty. You are not a fair-weather friend. When someone needs you, you are always there.
You tend to dramatize your emotional state. When things are going pretty well, you're in ecstasy-and when things are not all they might be, it's the worst despair that ever struck mankind. People may find you a bit self-absorbed or inflated at times. You have an innovative turn of mind and may have a talent for an unusual subject. Your ideas are often considered to be ahead of your time. You can be somewhat impersonal and detached - even with close ties. You need to share controversial ideas with friends.
Your sense of humor is one of your outstanding qualities. It usually manifests as a rather wry wit. Anyone you're close to must share this sense of irony. You probably have a special talent or an absorbing interest. Your closest ties are likewise involved. There is nothing humdrum about the way that you love. You have a flair for the unusual and the creative and are drawn to those who shun the conventional. You shy away from those who tend to be over-possessive. Your love affairs are also wonderful friendships.
Your emotional needs were not met when you were growing up and there was nothing you could do about it. Even today, you tend not to express anger or pain or resentment except when you are in an infrequent rage. This is a problem in close relationships. There is a quality about you people tend to trust. They confide in you and generally feel better in your presence which has a kind of healing quality. Sometimes you tend to draw close relationships who originally came to see you for some sort of help or guidance.
You are guided far more by your spiritual ideals than by more material motivations. While intimate ties are important to you, if the other person didn't share your more cosmic goals, the relationship could not last. Your dreams often become realities.
Your parents' interests and emotional natures, while not in violent conflict, were so different it was hard to understand how they ever came together. You associate close relationships with both longing and loneliness and may be unclear about roles.
It's as if the emotional and rational sides of your nature take turns expressing themselves. You are either utterly detached and objective about a situation or so emotionally involved you have no perspective. You are not in touch with your feelings.
1:35 a.m. - 2005-12-23
12:54 a.m. - 2005-12-23
I am definitely sick. I don't remember having such a bad cold/cough/sinus infection thingie, I felt like I was gonna die yesterday and earlier today. But, now that I've bought some sizzyrrrup, I can at least stop sounding like a man with my scratchy ass voice.
Soooooooo..me and Spam exchanged gifts tonight. She couldn't wait, and she already saw the fucking bag when she was in my room, so we said fuck it, and opened each other's presents. I got her underwear, and she got me candles. I used to have a serious collection of unique candles, but there were times (i.e. when our electricity was out because we didn't pay the bill because we were broke) that I sacrificed my cool candles for light. She's a sweetheart.
I swear to God, I'm a cookie making machine. I've never made so many dozens of cookies for Christmas before, but Tre had requests, and I had to oblige, because he's my baby. Tre is very much in the spirit this year, and because so, he requested to have Christmas at his house this year. Luckily, his mama agreed. I love those kids.
So my dreams keep freaking me out, especially one in which I dreamt of my future child. I know every detail of his face (we're talking months old, here), and I just can't get over it. It keeps showing up in my mind, and if I have a kid in the future and it looks like this child, I will freak the fuck out. I'm not sure if this dream is because I want a kid and my biological clock is ticking, or because it truly is what my future child will look like. I'm officially freaked out.
My next entry will probably be after the 25th, so Merry Chrismahanukwanzaakah!
8:37 p.m. - 2005-12-18
12:10 p.m. - 2005-04-22
I dunno about this new template yet. I'm not used to having something so bright colored, yet simple and pleasing to the eye. We'll see, cuz I already want to change it.
For some reason, I'm getting a lot of feedback from my journal lately. I don't know if this is all very sudden, but a lot of people have been reading my journal lately, very odd....or maybe a lot of people have always read my journal, but never mentioned it because it's such a personal thing to read....hmm, something to think about.
So me, samantha, katrina, and tara went to "the secret spot" last night, because katrina had never been there before. So we arrive, walk over to the cliffs, sit down, our legs dangling over the edge, and all of a sudden, katrina is screaming and is hanging off the cliff----not because she's falling, but because her purse slid down the cliff and stopped halfway down to the ocean. OY!
Well, before anyone could try and get the purse, my sister, thinking she was competing in Fear Factor or The Real World/Road Rules Challenge, decides to throw her flip flops off, and inch her way down the cliff to retrieve the purse---BAREFOOT.
We're all screaming at her to be careful, it being such a funny, but scary and dangerous thing. She eventually came back with the purse on her shoulder, but not before Tara took a picture of her scaling up the cliff on her camera phone....we even made her stop and pose, all the while samantha smiling and yelling "hurry up! I can't hold on much longer!". Good Times in SD.
The next time katrina's purse falls down the cliff, it's staying there.
I could only hope for as much excitement this weekend.
5:38 p.m. - 2005-04-16
And know that if I knew
Well too much silence can be misleading
And know that if I knew
12:25 p.m. - 2005-04-07
I've been looking for a fricken router for the past 3 days. You'd think this was an easy feat, no? NO! Price is a concern for me, so this means trying to figure out if i want wireless or ethernet, if my laptop has a built-in wireless card (which i have no clue, and without that info, im not sure if i should just get a wireless router), and...these people at the stores (comp usa, fry's, circuit city) were of no help to me...seriously...maybe i should just wait until next month to get a router.
The Jimmy Eat World Concert is coming up in mid-May, and I really want to go. Who's gonna go with me though? Samantha? I've been wanting to see them in concert for years, but everytime they come to san diego, I find out they are in town THE DAY of the concert! Not very much notice there. Now that I know ahead of time this year, I would love to go....we'll see...
who are these people outside of my window, trimming the hedges? who said they could do that? is this gonna happen every thursday? wait..thursday?? the OC thursday?? lovely.
11:53 p.m. - 2005-03-14
Saturday, we took tara out for a birthday lunch/early dinner, hung out at the biatch, she visited her "boy", while i drove around PB until she would call to pick her up. I think tara had a pretty good birthday.
On Sunday we had a "birthday BBQ" with the fam, complete with 3 cakes (one for tara, one for chrissy, and one for me, to my surprise), saw angie and darin as they came back from their mexico "honeymoon", she's starting to show a little now that she's 14 weeks pregnant. Back to the beach to see sam's flavor of the month, and had a little bonfire session at mission beach.
Today I finally saw Chris, whom has been MIA for the past few weeks...damn, now that he has a girlfriend, we never see the dick! Went with tara to UTC so she could spend her birthday gift card (she bought one item, jesus) and came home to find "the crew" chillin'.
My favorite song of the Month:
Girl, I'm in love with you
We're just ordinary people
This ain't a movie, no
We're just ordinary people
Maybe we'll live and learn
We're just ordinary people
We're just ordinary people
This time we'll take it slow....
7:45 p.m. - 2005-03-10
1:30 p.m. - 2005-03-08
03/03: Had a billion "happy birthday" phone calls and text messages, from 12am to 1am the next day, pretty nice... got a few new CD's from tara and katrina, went to dinner, had a couple mai tais, went to PB, chillin' on the beach, went to bed fairly early considering it was my birthday...Had an awesome time, nonetheless.
03/04: Hung out with my sister and Nick....did laundry, packed for the vegas trip/wedding.
03/05: Got to Vegas, gambled a little, got ready for the wedding, attended the wedding (very funny and heartfelt, don't you just love that combination?), had reception dinner, hung out with Chris, Katrina, Tara, Nick, Jason, Kristina, another Christina, Samantha, Vince, Silas, Nathan. Pretty good, overall. Drank a little more, gambled a little more, danced a little more.
03/06: went to breakfast with Nick on the strip, headed to the M&M Gameworks arcade, played some crazy air hockey games (i lost), played Nick in Tekken 4 on the big screen (i won), took mariah to get an airbrushed tattoo on her tummy, i think i spent more money at the arcade than i did gambling, funny how that works out (i always win my money back gambling, it's a gift), drove home.
Obviously i got my laptop back and the keyboard is in working condition. Lucky me. Damn decent weekend.
11:44 a.m. - 2005-03-03
11:55 p.m. - 2005-02-18
Why do I continue to take these tests?? I have no clue. Hi, my name is Alissandra, and I am addicted to caffeine, heroin, crystal, lsd, speed, alcohol, sex, nicotine, crack, shopping, eating, and TAKING BLOG QUIZZES!
The first step is admitting you have a problem.
12:56 a.m. - 2005-02-15
Just because im not celebrating today, doesn't mean that I can't listen to the hot, steamy, romantic, sensual, erotic, sweet songs that are playing on the airwaves for this special day...here are the top 10 lyrics of songs to get you in the mood on Valentine's Day (not in any particular order):
1)"Many days Iíve longed for you/Wanting you/Hoping for the chance to get to know you/Longing for your kiss/For your touch, your feel, your essence." ~ Musiq Soulchild-"LOVE"
2)"Pushing Forward and arching back/ bring me closer to heart attack" ~ Maroon 5-"Sweetest Goodbye"
3)"You may be young but you're ready/Ready to learn/You're not a little girl, you're a woman/Take my hand/Let me tell you, baby/I'm yours for the takin'" ~ Keith Sweat-"A Right And A Wrong Way"
4)"And When I kiss your soul, your body will be free" ~ Gavin Degraw-"More Than Anyone"
5)"And our eyes locked now/ cuz i sit here proud/even now you're undressed in your dreams with me/I'm only here for this moment" ~ Jeff Buckley-"Everybody Here Wants You"
6)"Cuz I'm an addict over you/I can't leave you alone/You got me Feenin'/Girl I'm Feenin' for you" ~ Jodeci-"Feenin"
7)"Climb along on the driver's side/so close I taste your breath/your lips are dry, but they're sweet inside/wine must go right to your head/Kiss me with your cherry lipstick/never wash you off my face/hit me I can take your cheap shots/leave you with the love we made" ~ Jimmy Eat World-"Night Drive"
8)"Everything I want is what she does to me/she don't blush cuz she's so damned free/when she's makin' love it's like surgery/and she says 'ooh I love U in Me' " ~ Prince-"I Love U In Me"
9)"Tonight/i'm gonna hold you/i'm gonna touch you/and lay you down/tonight/i'm gonna kiss you/i'm gonna taste you/all the way down" ~ Babyface-"When Your Body Gets Weak"
10)"Why do I beg like a child for your candy/why do I come after you like i do/I love you/whatever you are/I swear you'll be my angel" ~ DMB-"Angel"
11:52 a.m. - 2005-02-11
12:20 p.m. - 2005-02-07
This morning we found a tin box. Inside this tin box, were old, rusted papers and address books, receipts and bills (rusted because the tin box had been outside, weathering in the rain/sun for years now). They were my father's old leaflets and papers, things that I probably have seen in the past, but knew nothing of because I was so young. They broke open the lock on the box, and out popped all of these treasures, old, stuck together from the rain and rust, meaningless pieces of paper really, but I was intrigued.
One of the papers, was an old psychology paper that my mother had written in college, a few years after i was born. The pages were stuck together, so every page i turned, I did with the most delicate of fingers, because I didn't want to lose anything. At first, I just thought it was interestng that I'd been able to find a paper that my mother had written for a college course. But, after I read on, I started to cry. The paper wasn't that big of a deal, but it did sort of explain the kind of person my mother was, what she thought of herself, her morals and values, and they sort of reminded me of me. I am my mother's daughter. This is what I found:
On the first meeting, it is often hard for me to be cozying up to a person. I need a little time to know a person better. Once I get comfortable to a person and trust them, I can really pour it to them about myself and the other person can confide in me. I am a really good listener and try to give some advice when needed, but otherwise, I wouldn't force it.
I have never been in a group therapy session, and that was especially hard for me to get used to. I was afraid of really speaking about myself, problems and private affairs in front of strangers. I didn't want to comment or give opinions on anyone I didn't know. It just didn't seem right, and I felt very uncomfortable and awkward. I knew that I just couldn't sit in class and listen to everyone and do nothing, so what I did to help myself, was to speak to each student one by one, before and during break to know and understand them better. I really couldn't help myself.
When my father was transferred to Washington D.C., (we were living in San Diego then, and he is an accountant), I followed them there a few months later. We lived in Forestville, Maryland, and after two months, I started to get really restless.
One day, feeling quite bored, shut and caved in, I picked up a newspaper, went through the classified ads and found this job selling magazine publications. It involved traveling all over the United States and I knew that it was time for me to leave home and make a living for myself. I was twenty years old at the time, but for an old Guamanian custom, single girls stayed at home with Mom and Dad until they married. So, when I told my parents, especially my father, they were very shocked, maybe even more because it was coming from me. I was the quiet, most sensitive and most afraid out of the ten children, and I had been the most protected child. Nevertheless, my father knew that I really wanted that job, and really believed now that I was quite ready to move on my own. My father didn't let me take the joob right away, until he called up the Better Business Bureau in Boise, Idaho to make sure that the company was legitimate and not a "fly-by-night".
When I finally took the job and met the girls I would be working with, I discovered that some of them were younger than I was, but they were more experienced in life, and I mean everything. Naturally, I was frightened, awkward, and uncomfortable, but I was ready to do what I had to do. The girls were fun and exciting, and the job itself wasn't exciting, but just going out there and meeting different people, especially men, seeing different cities and states was very exciting. I felt alive for the first time in my life. I discovered from this job that I am an adventurous person, or maybe to some people, I was let out of my cage and seeing the world for the first time. Basically, this is the true facts.
There is something about this group of girls, that I didn't like very much. They drank a lot, and took drugs, and this is something I always stayed away from. Drugs, to me, belong in the hospital where it is most needed, and I do not believe in drugs for pleasure. I feel that there is more out there, something better than to be playing around with drugs. Maybe it was the way we were brought up, I really don't know, because my parents never really told us or stressed about taking drugs.....
The girls were a lot of fun and they realized how I feel about it. I would try not to let it get to me too much, as long as they wouldn't force me to "just try it". I enjoyed this job and the girls with it, we had so much fun. We traveled, partied, fought even, and we tried to help out with each other on everything, including the job involved or our personal lives. I stayed with them for a year, and by that time, we became more like a family. I came a long way, considering...
After I quit this job, I went back home to my parents in Maryland and tried to find a job there. But, I wasn't really trained much in anything except being a Practical Nurse, and I hadn't been a nurse for almost two and a half years. Again, I began to feel restless, especially now, after traveling for a year, it was much worse. I felt even more caved in. I tried to find a job in our area, but to no succession. I guess it was a feeling of desperation or maybe the feeling of wanting to do something different, whatever it was, I decided to join the Army.
Being in the Army, they trained us how to behave in a war. Towards the last two weeks of basic, we went to have what we call a "bivouc" or field training. We simulate war, how to behave in it.....They'd even taught us what to do if a soldier would go absolutely berserk, because in a true war, soldiers or some of them will "freak out"....
I learned an awful lot about people when I was traveling, in the Army, in nursing school, especially about myself. I really discovered that I'm really not afraid, I was even brave, to do something like this. I learned thatI can adapt myself to different surroundings and other people's lifestyles. There are times when you have no choice, but to do it.
I learned that I am a loyal and faithful person from a past experience, which I won't discuss, but will say that I do not believe in cheating on your mates, siblings, and your very close friends. It is "taboo" in my book. I also discovered that I am selfish, sometimes greedy and even willing to get revenge. I am possessive, especially with my children's needs and wants (3 years old and almost 5 months old daughters)....
~~~~The last page of the paper is missing, but it's enough for me...yes, I just typed up almost her whole paper, but i don't care..It's for my benefit, anyway.
7:20 p.m. - 2005-01-24
I'm just sitting here, eating Basketti and drinking fruit punch gatorade. What a delicacy. Boy, was I hungry! Here are this weekend's highlights...
1)Friday Night, went to dinner with Katrina, Tara, Samantha, and Nick at the Olive Garden. I'm sure they have some spectacular Basketti there as well, but I succumbed to to the Chicken Alfredo and salad...yum.
2) After dinner, went to Belmont Park (mission beach) to check out the status of the once-hoppin-in-high-school hangout. I must say, not as hoppin' as it was when I was 16-17, but all in all kinda fun after riding the rides and playing Nick in air hockey. I gotta start practicing again if i'll ever be the air hockey champion of the world again. Chilled in Point Loma for a few hours with the rest of my people.
3) Saturday night, dropped Nick off at a HS party with his homies, and me, Katrina, and Tara decided to head out to PB so Tara could get her nipples pierced.
4) Tara chickened out and we headed to Fashion Valley to go see a movie. The movies kinda sucked, so we got back on the 8 and tried to go back to PB to attempt Tara's nipple piercing once again.
5) Tara chickened out again. Went to eat some Pannycakes at Denny's and have our usual "talk". Tried to get Tara to get her nipples pierced one more time, but failed. She'll come around eventually.
6)Had a chill Sunday, watching tv (i haven't watched tv in ages) and hung out with my sis, who needs to pick up her clothes off of my bedroom floor. I walk in here, and i wanna slap her. Doesn't she get it yet?
My shoulders hurt. Have I been sleeping wrong?
The very first time, that I saw your brown eyes, your lips said "hello"...and I said "hi"..I knew right then you were the one.
1:41 p.m. - 2005-01-14
Internet access has been established now (earthlink still) so I'm here deleting emails and downloading songs i've been writing down for the past week. I've decided it was a mistake downloading specific country songs for my sister, and then ultimately teaching her how to do it herself, because she's driving me crazy with the Country crap. Sure, the first 8 times were tolerable, but now it's just getting outta hand. What's up with this country phase? I'm not down for it.
The rain's finally ended, and it's really really bright in my room. I'm the first to admit I love the rain, but I'm thankin' the Lord that the sun is back, I've missed it so...
10:11 p.m. - 2005-01-08
4:14 p.m. - 2005-01-04
New Years weekend highlights:
New Years Eve was sorta uneventful, sorta not. We had a some people over to drink and hang out, but abruptly ended when both Tara and Chris got phone calls from their new interests. How many times have we said "Bros Before Hos??!!"
New Years, we had a family get-together at an aunt's house, with 35+ people. Food was great, the New Years Gift exchange event was the most hilarious gift exchange i'd ever experienced. Guess that's what happens when your family is loud, funny, and crazy. I'm lucky. Me, Samantha, Katrina, Tara, and Cerina (from Nor Cal) decided we would pass the time New Years night by going to an adult toy store. Yeah, some good investments had been made.
Sunday night was my nephew JM's 3rd birthday party. Lots-o-people in my godfather's house, fo' sho'. One gathering after another.
Last night I went to Chuck e. Cheese for my other nephew D'Vante's 4th birthday (I obviously have too many nephews). Yeah, so what that I spent 10 bucks in tokens on myself. I'm 22, I must live it up. I had to challenge Chris, Nick, Vince, Daniel, Katrina, and Tara in basketball shooting and skeeball. I think the adults had more fun than the kids did.
My aunt thinks I'm depressed. I think she's a lunatic, so we're even.
12:04 p.m. - 2004-12-30
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
I'm moving on
I've sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
11:18 a.m. - 2004-12-28
1) Driving Thursday night and Friday morning to Yuba city in dense, Dense, DENSE fog. Luckily I have good eyes and driving skills. Missed a whole day of sleeping.
2) Visiting the Salas/Haney/Sample/Crawley/Pollard/Ichihara/Lee Family.
3) Driving forever and a day to visit my parent's grave in San Francisco. It needed to be done, and I'm happy we had the time to do it. San Francisco is a busy and as beautiful as ever.
4) Seeing the stacks and stacks of gifts all over the place, so high it went up half the tree's branches.
5)Sleeping on the living room floor/couches in the Haney house with the 16-25 yr old "kids", staying up on Christmas Eve and chatting it up like when we were little.
8) Carting around Caressa's baby, Madison, the girl is sooooo cute, with her almond shaped eyes and chubby-chub arms and legs. She's 3/4 white, and yet, looks like a pac islander girl.
9) Eating unbelievable amounts of yum yum food, Guamanian style on Christmas Eve, and American style on Christmas Day. I think I'm still full.
10) Almost dying TWICE on the way home, one when a big rig tried to get over and we had to drive in the grass on the median, and the other when a car full of guys had road rage and tried to swerve into our car and run us into a bus. Good times.
11) Ultimately hating the radio because katrina's cd player is broken, and if I hear Mario's "You Should let me love you", Jadakiss' "K-I-S-S Me", Usher & Alicia's "My Boo", and NB Ridaz' "Baby Girl" one more time, Ima shoot the stereo in her car.
1:11 p.m. - 2004-12-23
Note to self: Drink lots of Coffee for the trip, you'll most likely be driving more than anyone else in the car, you insomniac, you!!!
I've recently read my sister's last entry in her diary, and I must say, she comes off as a new, strong, independent, intelligent young woman. Guess that's what happens when you break up with your boyfriend. You start to think about shit you would never think about, and you realize you're better than u thought when you were IN the relationship. My baby girl is growing up, and everyone wants to know, When will I?
This time tomorrow, I'll be chillin with my family in the bay area, hopefully being our usual selves and crackin jokes, doing stupid dances in the middle of the living room, eating lots of Christmas/Guamanian food to our stomach's content, and waiting for Santa.
I wonder just how different Christmas would have been to me as a little kid if I ever believed in the fat, bearded dude. Would it have meant more? As I think about all of my family around me at Christmastime, I somehow doubt that. I wouldn't change a thing.
7:40 p.m. - 2004-12-17
12:36 p.m. - 2004-12-13
Interesting weekend. I had a conversation with my grandmother during the Charger halftime(and this is pretty hard to do these days, because she repeats herself over and over again) and she starting telling me about my mother when she was young. She kept telling me how my mother was a very very quiet and shy girl, and how she never asked for anything, i.e. money or possessions. My gramma also said something about how my mother would go with my gramma to bingo (because my gramma was, is, and will always be a bingo fiend) even though my mom hated bingo, but went because her mom wanted her to. Apparently, my mom was a good daughter.
Those are the things I listen for when my aunts and grandparents talk about my mother, the little insignificant details that I wouldn't know otherwise unless I could ask my mom myself. I guess that'll satisfy my hunger for a little while.
Katrina, Tara, Samantha and I had a little "Truth or Truth" session the other day, because we won't do the dares. I know way more about them than I need to, but it's all good. It was mostly sexual questions, but I was caught off guard when they asked me "Why don't you think you'll ever fall in love?"--where did this serious question come from? I must have told them once that I don't think I have the ability to be in love, which is true I guess.
I honestly answered that I don't think I could fall in love because I don't know if I have the capacity to let my guard down to truly love someone in that way. And of course, they follow up with "Well, why can't you let your guard down?", which is against the rules, cuz you have to wait again to ask another question, but oh well. I don't even remember what I told them, it's not an easy thing to explain to someone, I barely understand myself.
I guess it does seem a little odd that the sweetest, most caring, most affectionate person in the world can't fall in love? That someone like me, who has love for everybody, can't or won't be in love? What's funny is, I'm in love with the IDEA of being in love. It's something I want but don't think I can have. I wonder if they pity me for thinking that. I don't want pity. It's just what I think.
I want to be more in the Christmas spirit. All I want is a Christmas tree, is that so much to ask?
Another thing...I've gotta stop this insomnia nonsense.
This entry is way more personal and serious that I wanted it to be.
9:34 p.m. - 2004-12-12
size="2">You take the Road Less
What Path Do You Take In Life? [X]For Guys and Gals! Pics and Lengthy Results.[X]
brought to you by Quizilla
1) "And so it is,the shorter story. No love no glory,no hero in her sky. I can't take my eyes off of you..I can't take my eyes off of you...I can't take my eyes off of you...I can't take my eyes off of you."
2) "South Side Sacramento/but I rest in the Bay/In Cali every nigga wanna be the best in the state/10% of rap is fact/the rest of it's fake"
3)"Just an old sweet song, keeps Georgia on my mind..."
11:40 a.m. - 2004-12-06
Friday: Hung out with Katrina, Tara, Samantha - casino. Nuff said.
Saturday: Went to the movies, watched "Closer". Raw, honest, highly sexual without sex scenes, maybe too adult for me...or too honest. Julia Roberts is a slut in that movie. My cherry Icee gave me a red mouth for the rest of the night. Good look for me. Went to auntie Chrissy's house and visited my babies. Ate pizza and sang karaoke there.
Sunday: Drove forever and a day in the pouring rain. Watched the Charger game, great game. Had dinner with my family, finished painting another pseudo masterpiece. Looked at pictures of my parents and me and my sis when we were little. It was nice.
===I've gotten updates on a car from my aunt, and I think we're going to Nor Cal for Christmas after all. I've also decided that Mariah isn't allowed to grow up. She's already too beautiful. 7 year old Tre has his first official girlfriend (he wrote a letter to her asking if she would go out with him and everything, this is serious!), and Sunday would have been my parent's 23rd wedding anniversary. I miss them.
Find me here
And speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place
Where I find peace again
You are the strength
That keeps me walking
You are the hope
That keeps me trusting
You are the life
To my soul
You are my purpose
And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this
You calm the storms
And you give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won't let me fall
You steal my heart
And you take my breath away
Would you take me in
Would you take me deeper, now
And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this...
9:47 p.m. - 2004-11-28
11:42 p.m. - 2004-11-26
Grampa even got up and started dancing with all his daughters, bustin' a move in the middle of the living room. There was too much reminiscing going on, and I'm just happy I got to go home with a slice of pie to take with me.
Obviously, my new AC adapter has finally arrived, and i'm proud that I lasted a week without my laptop. The movie Ray was endearing, sad, inspirational, and the music was thoroughly entertaining, cuz now I wanna play the piano more than ever....or I could just buy a ray charles album...
Don't worry, I made sure I stayed as far away from the malls and stores as possible today, cuz Alissandra doesn't do the "biggest shopping day of the year" like everyone in the world does. Tryin' to go against the grain here. I'm STILL not ready for the CHRISMAHANUKWANZAKAH season!!!!
Okay, so I'm an OC addict. Ryan and Jesse started it all, so I blame them. I would have turned the TV on to watch it if there was an episode yesterday on Thanksgiving. Yeah, I'm so ashamed. Somebody shoot me. Better yet, force-feed me egg nog...it'd be just as painful.
12:08 p.m. - 2004-11-15
strip songlist recap w/ added songs:
1) "walk away"---christina aguilera
2) "Get Me Off"---Basement Jaxx
3) "The Beautiful Ones"---prince
4) "Nobody"---keith sweat
5) "The Climb"---No Doubt
6) "Do it to Me"---Usher
7) "Uninvited"---Alanis Morrisette
8) "Untitled(how does it feel)--d'angelo
9) "Angel"---Dave Matthews Band
12)"12 Play"---R. Kelly
14)"Right and a Wrong Way"---Keith Sweat
15)"You Make Me Sick"---Pink
---Drivin' to Temecula with Katrina, Tara, Samantha, & Nick so the boy could see his girlfriend at the movies for 3 hours; listenin' to mix CD's on the way there, containing hits from the late 80's/early 90's, i.e. Bel Biv Devoe, LL Cool J, Vanilla Ice, Digital Underground, New Edition, etc.
---Chillin' in Chris' garage, having a lil "listening session" with the boy's new rap songs.
---Fuckin' around, starting a "Dance-Off" dance revolution, bustin' a move, 9 members and growing.
---Playing basketball with the people, and sucking at it.
---Eating chinese and mexican food at midnight, while listening to Vince talk about his recent escapades in the bay area.
---Attending Tre and Mariah's birthday party at Skateworld, it's always fun when the guys skate; playing arcade games with my 5 year old niece, Isabella, and winning her the "Ticket Jackpot"-(not once, but twice, I'm so good..)
---Attending a business meeting.
2:50 a.m. - 2004-11-10
I've realized something that I continuously do that could possibly be annoying to other people: I keep thinking in lyrics...
What the hell does that mean exactly?
I am listening to too much music, so much that when I'm having normal conversations with people, or watching a tv show, or just thinking about my life and everything going on around me, I think in terms of song lyrics. My brain subconsciously spits out lyrics relevant for that particular time and situation, and I think, "gee, this reminds me of a song." Is it like that John Cusack movie "Hi-Fidelity", where he lists songs pertaining to every minute and momentous event he encounters?
I don't know, but I've got to stop doing that shit. If I'm not irritating other people, I'm starting to annoy myself.
The weekend was emblazoned with nothingness, but the good kind; hanging out with katrina, tara, sam, chris, nick, and the rest of the crew (besides the absent, doing studio time in Vallejo). I went to Amy's baby shower, but joined the "Anti-Baby Shower" team outside, made up of the boys who showed up for food-only. Can't say I was exactly excited with anticipation for those baby name/safety pin/diaper/toilet paper games. I was excited about the punch and the food, though.
I made some purchases at Barnes and Noble, a tarot deck (which apparently entertained more people that I thought it would) and a poetry book with nothing but sex poems in it. It's really a good read, I've dog-eared the poems I hold dear to my "heart". Later, some starbucks venti hot chocolate, and we called it a day.
Someone go get my gun.
8:39 p.m. - 2004-11-02
Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance?
I can picture your face well
Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain
So go on love
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I can't help it baby, this is who I am
6:50 p.m. - 2004-11-01
===drivin' with my aunt, mariah and tre, with the boy asking questions and interrupting my music listening enjoyment every 5 seconds..he's still cute though.
===hangin' out with Katrina, Tara, Chris, Silas, Vince, Jason, Kristina, Daniel, Jeremy, Nathan, Samantha, Roy, Nick, etc in the hotel.
===playin' Roulette @ the tables for the first time (lovin' it)
===Witnessing my aunt's very short, but very sweet and meaningful wedding ceremony.
===endless smiles and sweet looks to get into my room with no key.
===Drinkin', chillin', smokin' in the lounge area, listening to some bands play.
===taking the boy to the arcade so his mom could take a rest from his 6-year-oldness for an hour. Can't say I didn't have fun playin' with the kid, though...stuffed animals galore.
===lastly, being fucking cold!
A pretty decent wedding weekend.
11:42 a.m. - 2004-10-28
1) "walk away"---christina aguilera
2) "night drive"---jimmy eat world
3) "The Beautiful Ones"---prince
4) "Nobody"---keith sweat
5) "The Climb"---No Doubt
6) "Do it to Me"---Usher
7) "Uninvited"---Alanis Morrisette
8) "Untitled(how does it feel)--d'angelo
9) "Angel"---Dave Matthews Band
10) "your body's callin"---R Kelly
As always, I'm sure the list will continue to grow as time goes on, so...yeah...that's it...Hmm, looking at this list, I guess I'm not a fast-paced tempo stripping kinda girl, cuz most of these songs are pretty slow..I guess that's okay..I refuse to put "pour some sugar on me" on here, even though my sister keeps mentioning it. It's too cheesy, and i'm going for sexy and artistic...what the hell am i talking about???
5:16 p.m. - 2004-10-23
Nothing really matters, because baby, i look fuckin' HOTT tonight!! If I was me, I'd do me. Wait, does that make sense? ha.
Where the hell's my lipgloss?
1:27 p.m. - 2004-10-20
Name Acronym Generator
2:17 p.m. - 2004-10-19
I recommend, NEVER EVER watching the movie "From Justin to Kelly"...I am ashamed to even admit to setting the tv to that channel for more than 3 seconds, let alone actually watching it for awhile before realizing it was the stupidest movie i've seen in awhile. Though, it does give me the idea that maybe I could go somewhere for spring break...what am i saying? I live in Spring Break! Other people travel here to San Die to spring break on the beach, in the sun. Still, maybe I just need a vacation.
"Do you want me to slow it down, do you want me to speed it up??"
I wanna dance, and i think i'm gonna...
Wait a second...the word is, New Edition is back? Oh, without Bobby Brown, of course. They're gettin' up there, but they're still dancin', singin', doin' their thing. I need to buy the Jimmy Eat World CD, it's essential.
Bachelorette Partay on Saturday, the 23rd.
La Boda de Las Vegas en Sabado, 30 de Octobre.
3:21 p.m. - 2004-10-17
On a Sunday afternoon. Again, I'm sittin' here in front of the TV watching "Laguna Beach: The Real OC", and I hate this show. Katrina really likes it, though I'm not sure why. I can't relate to these kids, and if I was their age, I still wouldn't be able to relate. The only good thing about this show is the 3 1/2 seconds that they play the background music, because sometimes the songs are good--ala Real World.
Well, looks like word has spread quickly in San Diego about Daniel's return home, because we're having a welcome home dinner for the kidd tonight at the grandparent's house. Hmm, I wonder what we're having? I haven't eaten today yet...
Do I like this new journal template? Not sure yet, but the girl on here (liv tyler) used to remind me of Spam...no, not the co-agulated ham-like substance that tastes oh-so-good with rice and soy sauce, i'm talkin' my sis. Speaking of my sis, where the hell is she? She was supposed to come home yesterday, and when it came to be around midnight, I had to call the brat to see where the fuck she was. I mean, she can do whatever she wants, but can the girl call and let me know so I don't think her new boy is some crackhead who rapes and murders girls and leaves them for dead in his hometown, all the while her cell phone's ringtone echoing in the middle of nowhere? Alright, that's outta hand, but I've said numerous times, I can be a worrier when my mind permits it...
Sooooo...Chris, Tara, and Nick came over early last night and slept over, cuz Tara's parents were once again outta town, and she gets scared easily. Chris forked over 40 bucks to buy the new 90's Trivial Pursuit, and we spent all night answering crazy questions. Though I was the first one to get all my colored wedges and to get to the middle of the board, no one actually won, cuz the ultimate final questions were way too hard. yeah, I've never even really played this game until last night. Who knew it had actual rules??!!
The Chargers SUCK...
11:16 a.m. - 2004-10-17
2:20 a.m. - 2004-10-16
On a better note, we got a surprise when we went to pt. loma to pick up chris for nick's game: DANIEL IS HOME!!! me, trina, tara, and trina's mom practically jumped out of the car window to give hugs and kisses when he walked outta the house. I'm so happy that he's home...He'll be surprising his parents and sisters at the LV wedding at the end of this month, but we'll see how long my family can keep a secret...I bet he's so relieved to be off that ship...
The house is so quiet (okay, it's also almost 2:30 am), but also cuz my sis went up to have dinner with her new boy's parents, and spend the night @ his new apartment. I hope all went well with that dinner...no pressure, sheesh.. but it kinda doesn't matter, my sister has always been a charmer of sorts.
Katrina got a speeding ticket last night on the way home from clmt. Yeah, she was going 92, and the cop totally sneaked up on us, cuz he came out of nowhere. What's funny is, she got pulled over almost exactly where my car died on the 15 the night before that..weird, strange...what's up with that strip of freeway between miramar rd and carroll canyon, huh? It's like the fucking bermuda triangle or something. To make matters worse (or better), the cop was absolutely gorgeous, hot, so much that I couldn't really look at him, even though he came up to my side of the car. No eye contact there..Yeah, he was cute.
what else...nick won his game, 50-6, the cheerleaders were exhausted by all the jumping jacks they had to do after each score, and i found out on the way home that the bachelorette party is next weekend...bring on the...uhh...guys in shorts? i'll be prepared for that...doesn't seem naked enough though..well, not that i like that sorta thing, kinda cheesy..i should go to bed.
10:05 a.m. - 2004-10-14
10:05 p.m. - 2004-10-13
Hmm, driving in the fast lane, going 80 and then all of a sudden, my car jerks, starting to slow down..I immediately pull over to the left side as soon as i can, and it suddenly dies. What is a girl with no money and no car experience supposed to do? Call Katrina to pick me and Spam up. Kinda scary, 10pm at night, other cars passing a foot away from your car, going 100mph. I hope it doesn't get hit. I should be more pissed than I am right now, but, I'm just a little depressed. I can't wait until I see what's wrong with it and how much it's gonna cost. Oh, the overwhelming joy. I guess we could nix the oil change appointment for tomorrow afternoon, no?
Sooooo...on a different note, Vera and her fam are leaving early tomorrow to go to Kansas. I gotta say, it felt really good having the family around, I spent more time at my grandparents house than I have in a year or two. I already miss little Amy, so affectionate, she must have kissed me 80 dozen times when I had to leave to go pick up Samantha. She's so precious.
Election Ballot Pamphlets just came in the mail...I guess it's almost time, ain't it? Makes me wanna chant "DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES! DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES!" eh, I'm weird. FUCK OFF.
9:01 p.m. - 2004-10-10
anyways, what was i talking about? oh yeah, the hookah bar. So we went, and I had a couple drinks, a couple shots, and I was feeling warm all over. None of the girls had money to buy the actual hookah/tobacco, so I bought the girls one for their table, while me and chris shared our own hookah. Samantha, katrina, tara, and kristina was smokin' fruit roll up flavor, while me and chris got grape blast. Why we decided to get grape flavor, I have no clue, but the first 45 minutes was alright, and then me and chris had to chill, because I felt like we were smoking the grape dimetapp cough syrup. All in all, it was a pretty good night, I had a decent time out in PB with my people.
I just found a paper in my purse, containing a list of things that don't make sense, but after a second, I realized that this paper was alist of things that the psychic told me about my past, present, and future a few months back, and I had written everything I could remember in the car on the way home. Here's what this beeyatch had to say about me...
*** I've been hurt in the past
*** My past communication with my Father was not good/non-existent, and this has a major effect on me now as an adult. (no shit?? anyone who knows me/my situation would say this!)
*** I've recently moved, and it was a big move for me.
*** I'm not afraid of hard work
*** I'm very creative/artistic, and this is something that I should continue doing, because it makes me feel good.
*** I'm pretty simple, in that, I never wish or ask for much.
*** It's hard for me to make decisions, though my judgements are usually really good.
*** Family is VERY important to me.
*** I have never been a jealous person.
*** I'm a good-hearted person.
*** I've had very few relationships.
*** I'm confident, but I could be more.
*** I've always been ahead in life; very mature growing up.
*** I believe in God, but in my own way.
*** I'm very centered.
*** I will be married, and I will have two kids.
*** I will finish school.
*** I will be taking two trips, one in October, and one in December (this one was crazy, cuz of Las Vegas and the BAY!)
*** I will have a very long life, and will die peacefully, probably of old age.
*** In two years, I will be the happiest I've been in a long time.
*** There's one guy interested in me right now.
*** I have had anger/stress in the last 6 months, and this will soon pass.
*** In 4 months, I will be receiving a really big, expensive gift (this was 2.5 months ago.)
Today was a chill Sunday, spent at my grandparents house, with a decent sized group of my family members there for dinner (but, of course, not ALL of them were there.) Katrina's older sister is here in transition from moving from utah to kansas, so we pretty much went over there because of her and her family. Amy's gettin' so big! For some reason, there was a sugar buzz around, cuz there was candy left and right over there (some from the kids after a bday party, others went to the store and bought like, 12 candy bars for the people.) I dined on nerds, sprees, tootsie rolls, gum, reeses peanut butter cups, hershey's w/ almonds, snickers, and candy corn. Yes, my friends, once again, it's that time of year....I'm already sick of candy. I love it.
11:56 a.m. - 2004-10-10
Last night was the HOOOOOOKA bar. I'd never been to one, and I'd figured that I would broaden my horizons and see what this thing was all about. There was only a few of us going, and then the group grew to 7. Damn, I need to leave, and finish this crap later.
9:17 p.m. - 2004-10-07
From the first moment I saw you, ooh, I knew you were the one. That night, I had to call you, I was rappin' till the sun came up...tellin' you just how fine you look. In a word, you were SEX. All of my cool attitude you took, my body was next.
You made love to me, like you were afraid. Was you afraid of me?? Was I the FIRST?? Was I your every fantasy?? That's why...
Until the end of time, I'll be there for you. You own my heart and mind. I truly adore you. If God one day stroke me blind, your beauty I'd still see. Love is too weak to define just what you mean to me.
When we be makin' love, I only hear the sounds..heavenly angels cryin' up above...tears of joy pourin' down on us. They know we need each other, they know you are my FIX. I know, that you know I ain't cheatin' baby. They know this is serious. I ain't funkin' just for kicks, no. This condition I got is crucial, crucial baby.
You could say that I'm a terminal case. You could burn up my clothes, smash up my ride, well, maybe not the ride. But, I got to have your face, all up in the place. I'd like to think that I'm the man of exquisite taste, 100% italian silk imported, egyptian lace.
But, nothin' baby, I said nothin' baby, could compare to your lovely face. Do you know what I'm sayin' to you this evening. I'm just trying to say...I'm just trying to say...
That, until the end of time, I'll be there for you..I'll be there for you...On my heart, on my mind...truly adore you..I truly adore you. You don't know what you mean to me. Do you...Do you..Do you..
Can I talk to you? Tell me what you mean to me. Every time I wander, I'll be your eyes so you can see. I wanna show you things that I show no other. I wanna be, more than your mother, more than your brother. I wanna be like no other. If you need me, I'll never leave. I know, you know, without you, there is no me...There is no me.
Without you there is no sea. There is no shore. Love is too weak to define how much I adore you child, you child. The last words you hear...
Until the end of time, Ill be there for you baby. Be my darlin' until the end of time. I'll give you my heart, I'll give you my mind. I'll give you my body, I'll give you my time. For all I am with you, you are with me...you are with me..you are with me..
12:11 a.m. - 2004-10-07
How come my sister's boyfriend always comes over to fuck on the nights that I want to go to bed early? Is it a curse? They plan this shit out, I swear. I'm really tired right now, it's half past midnight, and I'm in the living room, in the dark, in my pajamas, writing in my journal, while my sister bashes her head into the wall that we share.
Silas has been here longer than expected, though he doesn't really sleep here, just comes around for a few hours and chills, or picks up some clothes, so it's kinda like he's not even here. Silas gave me a few of his CD's, one of which, is the the whole A-Team album, one with just silas himself, where he jacks kanye west's entire album, while the other is Silas and Vince. They're both really good, and there's a song called "Family Business" similar to kanye's on his album, but silas' basically describes my family...I'm even mentioned in the song:
"And in the other room, you hear that loud female laughter, but that's just katrina, tara, sandra, and samantha..."
The song also briefly describes the absence of my mom, and how if affects the whole family. The song is short though, he needs to add another verse to it..it's a few seconds short from being a 2 minute song.
I don't really feel like watching tv much, maybe i'll just sleep on the couch here for a little bit, just until i can safely sleep back in my room. The idea of them having sex isn't so much a big deal anymore, I just can't sleep, because they keep pounding on the walls or whatever. My eyes are drooping as I type this...i gotta go.
11:41 a.m. - 2004-10-02
I haven't heard that song in a lonnnngggg time...it reminds me of living in the bay area, yeah, those were the days. I still can't believe that Silas was living with one of the guys from the Luniz at one point...or he still does..not really sure, silas is a nomad. But the last I heard, he was residing in Arizona with some dude from the Luniz and Baby Bash. Crazy.
Actually, he's supposed to be here for the concert @ coors on sunday. I want to go, but I forgot there's a bridal shower tomorrow. Looks like I'm gonna have to play bridal games and watch the opening of gifts instead of seeing the boys perform.
"why you treat me so ba-had?"
Well well well...looks like my sister has started her own journal/diary here, following in her big sister's footsteps..it always happens this way..and from the looks of it, her diary is a prime example of how different we truly are as sisters (read: previous entry).
So, imagine ordering a porn flick, just for fun, to watch with your people, and it's starting, and the object of the show is to travel around different colleges and show students from those schools screwing strangers like no tomorrow...now imagine the you're watching, and suddenly...they're at your college..that's what happened to me, and i was freaked out for a sec. The girl they were interviewing was sitting in the exact spot outside the library that I'd always sit to study before class. Who knows, I could have had classes with this biotch.
I think I'm due for another painting session, which means more canvas. I started this really detailed, tagging-sorta painting, but in a bout of disappointment, I ended up painting over almost the whole thing...didn't exactly turn out how i wanted..but i guess that's an artist thing.
"I got five on it,
11:48 p.m. - 2004-09-28
I started out my day with a little scare. Katrina came in and told me that my grandfather was in the hospital, because he was having some pains and he was vomiting blood. Of course, you hear vomiting blood and automatically think something horrible is going on with gramps. Turns out that he was having kidney stones and the vomiting was kinda left over from his chemotherapy that he finished a little while ago. You hear news like that, and the whole family plays telephone, until we find out that they're okay, or to plan to meet at the hospital. Yeah, have you ever seen 20+ people for the same patient? I assume it's pretty overwhelming for the hospital staff and other people in the waiting room. For us, it's pretty normal.
Drink drink drink that gatorade!
Some cheers from my past:
I shall go lay down and listen to my CDs.
12:57 p.m. - 2004-09-24
Well, to start this story off, my sister's new flavor of the month (okay, flavor of the semester) spent the night last night and will again tonight. Everything was fine and dandy, and I had a very good first impression of the boy. He's really funny, down-to-earth, and sweet to my sis. Hmmm...Well, I didn't even try to go to sleep until after 3am, and while I was thinking innocent, sugarplum fairy thoughts to help me go to sleep, I hear moaning and the scraping of my sister's bed, tearing me away from my early slumber and forcing me to jerk my body out of bed.
What the hell? I was very much freaked out. Not freaked out because my sister was having sex, but that I was witnessing the sounds of it, my sister making noises that I don't want to hear. Yes, very funny, but very uncomfortable. All I wanted to do was sleep, and I had told my sister to close her window and try not to make so much noise, because I can hear everything. Our windows are right next to each other, so anything she does or says in bed, travels into my open window, maybe not even a foot away.
So anyway, I jump out of bed, put some pants on, and start pacing out in the living room, pacing my way to the balcony, where I had a cigarette, wanting to just sleep. By that time I was pissed, because I wasn't sure she told him her "story", the most important story you tell the guy your gonna have sex with. She's not told guys before, and it only got her into trouble. So yeah, thinking that, I was now pacing out of anger instead of confusion or embarassment.
Occasionally, I'd go back into the house, and take a few steps into the hallway, only to be welcomed by more moans and noises. "Alright, can't go back to my room yet" Finally, I finish smoking, and turn on the tv, which helped in smothering the sounds of my baby sister.
Eventually, when they were done, my sister came out to get a glass of pepsi (more caffeine for extra sessions?) told me that she told him, and apologized for keeping me awake. The anger dissipated, and I felt a little more comfortable. The only way I can describe it is like hearing your parents having sex. You are sure they do it, but you don't want to witness anything. Eventually, I got to sleep after 4am.
Moreover, I have to give the guy props for being such an understanding person. I know my sister has gone out with people who weren't as accepting, and it's a breath of fresh air when she does find someone who will care for her no matter what. So, I guess he gets bonus points, not for screwing my baby sister, but for keeping an open mind.
4:12 p.m. - 2004-09-22
Is my sister trying to stress me out? I can feel the chest pain and arm pain shooting up and down my side as we speak. All I ask is for her to pay her cell phone bill. Please God, get the girl to pay ONE bill. And if i'm to blame for letting her get another cell phone in the first place, then maybe i should cancel her ish altogether. Isn't it enough that I helped her with her rent again? Or that I'm alone here for the electric and cable bills? What the heck??!!?? Oy vey!
I'm having a really cool conversation right now with my niece ISABELLA and her friend CHANTELLE, who are two really smart 5 year old kindergarteners. Apparently, their favorite colors are pink and purple, and their favorite shapes are hearts, stars, and diamonds.
They've just informed me that they have STAR OF THE WEEK, which happened to be my favorite part of elementary school, you know, being the special person for a whole week, bringing pictures to hang on the bulletin board and your favorite things, i.e. stuffed animals and games. I can't believe they still do that. I LOVE IT! Yeah, they're the epitome of cuteness...
To whom it may concern:
Well based on your smile
I'm betting all of this might be over soon
But you're bound to win
Cuzz if I'm betting against you I think I'd rather lose
This is all that I have
Take what's left of this heart and use
Please use only what you really need
you know I only have so little so please
Mend your broken heart and leave
I know it's not your style
I can tell by the way that you move
It's real real soon
But I'm on your side
And I dont want to be your regret
I'd rather be your cocoon
But this is all that you have
Let me take whats left of your heart
and I will use
I swear I'll only use only what I need
I know you only have so little so please
Let me mend my broken heart
And you said this was all you have
And it's all I need
But blah blah
Because it fell apart
And I guess it's all you knew
And all I had
But now we only have only confused hearts
I guess all we had is really all we need
So please lets take these broken hearts and use
Lets use only what we really need
You know we only have so little
Take these broken hearts and leave...
2:39 p.m. - 2004-09-16
Why they let the terminator win the election
Come on, pay attention"
Alright, I feel relaxed.
Spam took my car again today, so I'm here...chillin'...sending more resumes than I'd ever dreamed i could. At least I got one reply, from Sony Electronics, so tomorrow morning I'm gonna have to go over there and take some tests and stuff, see if I can get myself a job (seasonal, but it's all good).
Maybe I'll make dinner tonight. But what shall I cook? chicken? mashed potatoes? everything will be from scratch, of course. I grow my own organic potatoes and breed my own chickens. Yeah, you can find me on my apartment balcony, shucking corn and de-feathering birds...de-feathering a word?
Is it normal to laugh out loud when nobody is around? I do this often, and people make fun of me, but who only laughs when other people are present to hear you laugh? Don't you laugh when, say, something is funny? I see funny stuff on tv all the time, with or without people in the room. Granted, they think it's cute that i'm cracking up alone, but I still don't understand the dilemma. If it's funny, i'm laughing dammit!
I'm gonna go eat a nectarine.
2:31 p.m. - 2004-09-14
New brushes, more paint, new canvases, and I'm good to go!
It's so quiet here. This past weekend at my pad has been pretty loud (read: not obnoxious) 'cuz everyone and their aunties have been over the last couple days. Today Silas and his people go back to work at the studio. Sometimes I wonder about the way he talks to the girls (i.e. some serious conversations on the walkie-talkie/cell phone that everyone eavesdropped on last night while I was painting). If he wasn't my cousin, I'd think he was a real asshole to the ladies (well, he is, but still). But, it's all jokes, and i guess you have to have that certain sense of humor to understand him sometimes. It's weird, cuz the guys he hangs around with are nothing like him at all, really sweet and polite (at least around the girl cousins, anyway!) I guess Silas is one-of-a-kind.
Alissandra's favorites this week:
drink: been drinking a lot of root beer
hobby: painting (back on)
soap: st. ives cucumber & melon body wash (i smell yum)
toothpaste: colgate plus whitening
snack: mocha frapp
card game: speed & crazy 8's (alright, so I haven't played in awhile)
song of the week: kanye west's "jesus walks" (i bought the ringtone)
lip gloss flavor: fruit punch
4:50 p.m. - 2004-09-12
Me, katrina, tara, vince, chris, silas,and JD headed out to the mall late in the day, high skool style, and then had dinner in mira mesa.
We headed home and Silas brought over some other friends, which I don't really know so well. They basically spent the night, bein' all loud n' stuff until like 5 in the morning. Not so good when Katrina had to wake up to go to work the next day @ 6. Oh well, how often do we see Silas? They brought over a whole bunch of promotion stuff for the album, and some copies of Southwest Bound Magazine, in which Silas is on the cover with some other cats, described as "THE NEXT GENERATION OF BAY AREA RAP!" hmm, alright.
I finally saw "50 First Dates" with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore, and I must say, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Not typical funny-stupid Adam Sandler (happy gilmore/billy madison) but more like Big Daddy/The Wedding Singer-style. It's a cute movie, makes me wanna move to hawaii and marry Mr. Sandler.
One thing about Adam Sandler, I love it when he sings, whether about hannukah or his piece of shit car, or his remake of 80's songs in "the wedding singer". I wanna buy the soundtrack to the movie just because of this one song:
The Hukilau was the place
Where I first saw your face
We liked each other right away
But you didn't remember me the very next day
Has got a nice caboosey
I used to trick you into pulling your car over so we could chat
But my favorite time was when you beat the shit out of Ula with a bat
Then we drove up to see Dr. Keats
And found out why Doug always has to change his sheets
Cracked her head like Gary Busey
But I still love her so
And I'll never let her go
Even if while I'm singing this song
She's wishing I had Jocko the walrus' schlong
Her lips are so damn juicy
How about another first kiss...
11:36 p.m. - 2004-09-10
amount of pleasure and pain
Yeah, that's right, I'm home at 11:30pm on a Friday night, and I don't even give a fuckkkk. It's been a pretty long day...
Woke up, showered, drove to katrina's work, drove to the bank, drove to grandpa's & gramma's old house. Helped them pack and move. Went to nick's football game. it was 10-10, last 4 seconds, 1 yrd left. They lost. Picked up Nick, drove back to Gpa's, helped move some more, drove to new house, helped unpack and move into new house, 9pm by then. Came home.
Usually the girls are excluded from helping people move, but the freakishly strong person that I am (okay, maybe not, but I can hold my own) I pretty much did the same as the boys. What sucked was that the old house already had their electricity cut off, so towards the end of the night, we were moving beds and heavy boxes in darkness, with only our cell phone glows to kinda light things up.
We've just gotten news that Silas and his friend John Dough is driving here from San Francisco, so they'll be spending the weekend at mah pizzad. You know what that means: We cleaned like crazy! I've never seen the kitchen as sparkling as I do now! I figured that if I was on a roll I'd straighten up my room too, but after spending literally two hours scrubbing the kitchen and doing some light grocery shopping, I'm thinking that my room can wait at least 8 hours. I'm fucking tired right now.
The girls just left to get something to eat (katrina, tara, samantha), and I didn't feel like going or eating (appetite, where are you?) so I'm chillin' here, listening to the music channels on cable, and writing in my boring journal. Tomorrow, I'm gonna have fun, dammit!
7:12 p.m. - 2004-09-07
My continuation of those sexy songs:
14) Alicia Keys-"Butterflies"
15) Al Green-"For the Good Times"
16) Janet Jackson-"Anytime, Anyplace"
17) John Mayer-"Come Back to Bed"
18) Musiq Soulchild-"Who Knows"
19) U2-"The Sweetest Thing"
20) Jagged Edge-"I Gotta Be"
1:16 a.m. - 2004-09-06
After that, we hung out at Tara's house, where she housed a whole bunch of us for an unexpected family get together in the early evening, complete with guamanian food, music, chatting, and a viewing of tara's dvd "The Passion of the Christ". Yeah, that movie was pretty intense, and I had to take a break half way through (wiping tears and such), but I'm glad I finally saw it. I never had the desire to watch it in the theaters, though I'm not sure why, either because I wasn't ready for the graphic brutality or because I've steered away from religion in the past couple years. It was something i'm glad I watched though.
Later in the evening, when katrina finished her homework, me, kat, tara, and sam drove around san diego, mainly because it was hot as hell (105+ degrees) and we just wanted to drive with the windows all the way down. We ended up on top of Mt. Soledad, which we haven't been to in a long ass time. It was as gorgeous as ever, and the air was cooler and windier up there. It felt great, the wind whipping my hair everywhere, the twinkling lights spread from the edge of the ocean, and not feeling sticky for the first time all day from the heat.
I've compiled a list of makeout/foreplay/sex songs that I've slowly accumulated over the last few years, don't ask me why I've decided to put them down now. They're in no particular order:
1) Dave Matthews-"Crash Into Me"
2) Floetry-"Say Yes"
4) R. Kelly-"My Body's Callin'"
5) Prince-"I love U in Me"
6) Justin Timberlake-"Still on my Brain"
7) Zapp & Roger-"Slow & Easy"
8) Brain McKnight-"Anytime (Do I ever cross your mind)"
9) Zero 7-"Destiny"
10) Sade-"By Your Side"
11) Lenny Kravitz-"Little Girl's Eyes" (is this song about a woman or his daughter?)
12) Jack Johnson-"Cocoon"
13) Jon B-"I Ain't Going Out"
Yeah, the more I list my makeout songs, the more I think of. There is going to have to be a second list of some sort later on...
12:56 p.m. - 2004-09-03
How can I be cotton candy? I mean, it's pure sugar...gives me a stomach and tooth ache really...well, today's a better day.
Things that are interesting to me, but boring to everyone else:
1) I polished my nails this morning. They're pale pink/almost clear. I know, drastic change, you're thinking.
2) I got my phone turned back on. It's a crazy world out there when you don't pay your cell phone bill for 8 hours.
3) The door just slammed shut in the hallway. Just a breeze, or is there a ghost residing in our apartment? We'll have to check up on that.
4) I had dinner at Tio Leo's with Katrina, Tara, Christopher, and Samantha. It was great people, and great food.
5) My sister went to apply for Hooters. Hopefully with the waitress experience and awesome breasts she has, she'll be successful in the chicken wing-waitressing-in-a-tank-top-and-shorts business. We'll have to see about that.
Tonight is Nick's first varsity football game for the school year. Apparently, he's starting, which is good, considering he's a junior and seniors have seniority when it comes to sports and such. He's growing up into a really cool guy, i tell ya! I used to babysit this kid!
I could go for a protein shake and a salad minus the croutons. Yes, it's a low carb world again....at least for as long as I can hang.
3:02 p.m. - 2004-08-29
And now youíre mine/Wished for you so hard/Prayed that youíd find me/"
Tonight is the VMA's. Yup, I'll be watching that. Of course, the VMA's seemed more exciting when i was...say...in jr. high, but I can't say I haven't been looking forward to it all month.
What Alissandra did this weekend:
Thursday: Absolutely nothing. It was the most boringest (yes, boringest) day I'd ever had. But, at least I got an oil change and car wash.
Friday: Drove Spamantha to work. Headed over to Tariffany's house and hung out until Katrina came over. Went to the mall (mission) so tariffany could get an outfit for the wedding. Picked up Katrina's mom and went to Nick's first game/scrimmage. He's a pretty good fullback, I must say. Dropped Trina's mom at home and ate at IHOP. Pancakes were tasty.
Saturday: Chilled with my sister. Drove all over san diego, hangin' with Spam. Grabbed something to eat. Went to La Jolla Cove. Met up with Katrina and Tara. Drove over to mission beach, had some interesting conversations with the girls. Arm wrestled in the car on the way home.
Sunday: So far, took a shower, ate, watched TV, played on the computer, waiting for Tri and Tar to call and tell me what's up.
Does every girl on MTV wear a tube top and have a belly button ring? Pretty unoriginal, I must say. I dunno, it's pretty much a staple for some girls here in san diego, but now that I see it on TV, doesn't look too classy. Oh well. This guy on Room Raiders is cute though, definitely.
1:22 p.m. - 2004-08-26
I could paint. no canvas. I could watch mtv music videos. no videos, just shows. I could write in my journal. Well, golly gee, that's what I'm gonna do.
I could read. Read all my books a dozen times. I know what happens in the end. I could eat something. No food in the house except mint chocolate chip ice cream and balsamic vinegar. I'm not bold enough to try them together.
I'm craving chocolate milk. My sister took my atm/check card to pay for the oil change. I could order a pizza with a check. Not really feeling pizza at this moment. I could walk around the apartment complex. Whistle with my hands in my pockets as I stroll on by.
I could have a pillow fight with myself. I think I have a good chance of winning. I could play dominoes online. But I've won all 12 games so far. I need a challenge. Maybe Chris is off today, we could hang out. Oh yeah, no car, I forgot. I could walk around naked in my house and flash the gardeners that walk by. No fun.
This is the stupidest journal entry I've ever written.
12:12 a.m. - 2004-08-25
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11:56 p.m. - 2004-08-23
two minutes until tomorrow...that would be 11:58 for all you crackhead people out there...
List for tomorrow:
1) get an oil change for tomorrow (sam, you better pay for that shiite!)
2) drop the rent check in the box (ohhhh, 2 weeks late!)
3) figure out a way to watch "the princess diaries 2" without getting caught and ruining my reputation as a grown up (do they know?)
4) think of something to do while I have the day off tomorrow, but stranded with no car because samantha's taking it to work, and katrina doesn't get off until 7 at night...hmmm...
5) learn to play guitar in 8 minutes from the "learn to play guitar in 8 minutes" online lesson for low, low price of nine easy payments of only 49.99$
I guess i have a lot to do after all!!! yaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy.
damn the person who made my USB port mouse. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.....blink on blink off...i definitely need to get a NEW one. By new, I mean, steal the mouse from someone else's computer and attach it to mine. Ah, no, i'll figure something out.
2:09 p.m. - 2004-08-23
I also realized just how self-conscious I can be sometimes, especially when I'm left standing alone in a crowded club holding a drink and nothing else. I looked great, sure, but I wasn't feeling great. I was annoyed, actually, and the W Hotel Living Room isn't my scene. At least I learned that much this weekend. Maybe it would have been different if I had easier access to alcohol (it took me an hour and a half to get a midori sour).Either that, or I was having an unexpected bout of claustrophobia...could be. We initiated a designated driver for nothing, and then she got lost when we were ready to leave. Oh, the horror!
The Del Mar races was a success. I won 4 out of 9 races, so that was okay. I basically bet and ate for free. Horse 3 was the big winner in almost every race. Woohoo! I won 2.80$ for a 2$ bet on 3 for show. ah, if only I'd bet a supertrifecta box.
They are cutting my hours like no tomorrow, so I better start looking for another job a little harder.
11:53 a.m. - 2004-08-16
I ended up going to the naughty kitty party, and i'd never been to one before. It's weird, it was kinda like a tupperware or candle party, only they were passing along lubricants, dildos and vibrators instead of scented candles and tupperware crispers to keep your lettuce fresh. Odd, but oh so intriguing.
Did I buy anything from this intriguing party??? Yes. What did I buy? A lady never tells.
I did a lot of eating out this weekend, which is, I must say, getting old. Claim Jumper, McDonalds, Tio Leo's, Leucadia's, The Branding Iron, etc. I love eating out, yes, but that's all we've been doing for the past month. Sometimes, I just wanna make some top ramen or a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich and call it a day. But, when was the last time we went grocery shopping? Something's gotta change, I tell ya.
Last night I did something that I wanted to do for a long time, but never had the nerve: I recorded a song for silas' and vince's album. They came over to my apt with all their studio equipment, and basically stayed here writing a new song. When it came time for the hook and bridge, they asked me if I wanted to sing. It's kinda nerve-wracking singing into the mike, but eventually my nervousness eased after doing it so many times.
I guess it turned out well, and they managed to finish the song by midnight. Do I want a copy? Yes and no. Though I think the song is really good (both silas and vince each want it on their individual albums) I still don't like my voice, no matter how many times they say it's good. I guess that's normal for someone who sings?
12:13 p.m. - 2004-08-13
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EmotionDump - 100% Anonymous Emotions and Confessions
She took off her dress, and I took a peek
While thunder storm played hide and seek
I begged for a kiss, she gave me 7
Our lips touched and it feel like heaven
Everything I want is what she does to me
She don't blush 'cause she's so damned free
When she makin' love it's like surgery
And she say, ooh I love U in me...
===I love that song..
Tomorrow's the "Naughty Kitty" Party, and to tell you the truth, this 22 year old has never been to one. I doubt I'll buy anything, but who knows? Later on, I hope to go out with my people. Maybe Chris will be off and he'll spend the night, I miss the hell outta that fucker sometimes. Life is so much funner (yes funner) when he's around.
Really, I hope to go out with my people tonight. I don't want my four day weekend (25% completed already) to go to waste.
Would I be 12 years old if I said I wanted to see the sequel to "The princess diaries"? I bought the first DVD for my sister a long time ago because she loved it, and one day ended up sitting on the couch watching it with her. Yeah, I know, I need a life. What is it exactly? It must be julie andrews in the movie, forcing me to reminisce about watching "the sound of music" when I was a little girl. I swear I watched that movie every night before I went to sleep.
My leg's asleep! My leg's asleep! I can't feel my leg! It hurts/tickles/tingles all at the same time...how can that be? all I know is that I can't move it...ahhhhhhhh..
9:10 p.m. - 2004-08-12
i thought i would start off this entry by naming all of my cousins/nieces/nephews...it may be boring, but oh well, i feel like doing the fam tree thing:
In order by parents...
angelina, tara, jasmine*, jaden*, me, samantha, veronica, junior, vince, christopher, nick, amy*, jalyssa*, jovan*, aizlyn*, isabella*, aumia, owen*, jaime*, tricia(+1*), tamera, alex, anthony, nathan, jason, jeremy, dominique, DJ*, Dezmond*, Alona, Isaiah, Silas, Daniel, Caressa, Cerina, D'vante*, D'angelo*, Madison*, Miguel, Mariah, Tre.
Things coming up that I need to plan/save money for:
Naughty Kitty Party: Sat, August 15
Del Mar Races: Sat, August 21
Katrina's 24th Bday club-hop, Sat, August 21 (evening)
2:10 p.m. - 2004-08-05