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12:55 a.m. - 2016-10-24
What happened?

3:24 a.m. - 2011-10-21
And the stars in their slowness took us by surprise...
So, I haven't written in here in over a year. 13 months, even. I never thought I would be 29 years old and still have this old, dusty journal. That's some dedication, isn't it? I mean, obviously I'm not as dedicated as I used to be with this, but I don't know very many people that have had a place, the same place to write their private thoughts for almost 9 years. I'd like to think of that as an accomplishment.

I would like to say that upon reflecting on my thoughts, fears, and events in my life for this long, I could make more sense of things. I would like to, but I don't think I can. It could be the absolute opposite of that. Life just seems way too malleable, changeable. It's never the same. Just when you think you can pinpoint some form of familiarity in your world, it completely changes. It morphs into something you never thought it could, whether that be bad or good, or just different.

The older I get, the more I realize I don't have a fucking clue as to what I'm doing here, what we're here for. What is the purpose? How did we get here? Why is life the way it is? When does one figure it all out, when we're grandparents? When we're already gone? It's just odd to think about. These are the questions that pop into my mind when I'm sitting alone outside in the backyard, chillin, smoking a cigarette and staring up at the constellations & moon and flip out that we're even here. On a planet. Floating in space, floating with other balls of gas, matter, living these tiny, individual, detailed lives on the surface of some crazy-ass thing floating in a never-ending universe. Who the hell comes up with this shit?

I've never acknowledged the bigger picture as much as I do now that I'm older.

In my own tiny, individual, detail-laden life, it doesn't seem so crazy. I work, I spend time with my family. I try to keep my crazy thoughts and emotions in perspective. I'm just living life. I'm Not expecting much, just something to think about, to experience...then I can either run with it and embrace all that has been offered to me, or I can catalogue it away and know it's there, but never have to go back unless I want to. It feels free.

With all the free thinking and doing I am trying to experience, I'm still tormented a little. I wonder if I'll always be tormented in some way or other, either because of my upbringing, all the losses in my life. Maybe being just a little tormented is my coping mechanism for the harsher realities of life. Who's to say.

I don't know why I'm getting so deep on this thing. Maybe it's because I haven't updated it in so long that I feel like I need to make up for lost time, like I need to write something meaningful, because who knows when I'll write in here again. Another year? A few years? In all honesty, I'm just trying to make it. I'm not struggling, I'm knowing exactly who I am while discovering new, shiny facets only created by time and experience. The same goes for the people and situations around me. I haven't figured out everything or anyone yet, and I probably never will, but at least those gears in my head are turning, wondering, thinking. At least I have that going for me.

11:26 p.m. - 2010-09-16
I will return again, when it gets dark and the day is done...
I'm at peace. Peaceful and exhausted.

Grampa passed last week. He declined all the way up to his 82nd birthday and died the Monday after. Since that day, I have felt...peaceful, more sure of the world, and closer to my family.

So, everyone is saying that i've become the Golden Child. The Golden Child, the one who was at Grampa's bedside the moment he passed. I'm not sure why it was me, other than I knew that day, while driving to his house, that I needed to be alone with him and say what I knew he needed to hear: That it was okay to go.

This wasn't anything new. All of his kids, my aunts and uncles, had been saying it to him for days, never leaving his bedside, waiting and waiting for him to pass. It was only after they all left to go to the store, the one and only time all of them decided to leave his side, did he even have a chance to pass on.

So, I stayed in the room with him. Staring at him, small, frail, unconscious in bed. Whispering to him how much I love him, how it was okay to leave. It was okay to go and be with grandma. I told him that if he was ever going to pass in peace, that this would be the time to do it, while quiet and no one else at bedside. I promised him that we would all be okay if he left, I promised him we would all take care of each other. I held his hand, watched him breathe shallower and quieter. I closed my eyes and asked my Mom to come meet him, to tell him it's okay to go with her.

And, 5 minutes later, his breathing slowly faded until I couldn't see his chest rise up or down anymore. I sat there, silently, until I could not see anything. I saw his eyes close slightly. I saw him leave this earth, alone. It was the most precious moment I've ever had in my life. And, though a couple tears found their way down my cheeks, I was able to breathe.

I don't know why I'm the Golden Child, other than maybe he was comfortable with me there, enough so to let go. Maybe he thought I was the one that would be able to handle it. Maybe I'm just the one that happened to be there at that moment. Maybe I was there in place of my Mother, the one child not present. Maybe my Mom did meet up with him, take his hand, and lead him out of earth and into another existence.

I'm not entirely sure. But, I do recognize the gift that has been given to me, and let me tell you, seeing life and death this way is incredible. I'm forever changed.

7:24 p.m. - 2010-08-11
Because the sky is blue, it makes me cry....
So, now that the pregnancy scare is over.... What, you say? Yeah, first I break up w/ my boyfriend in the beginning of May, then we get back together two weeks later, then he's bipolar again, then I have to suffer a fucking pregnancy scare all alone. Fuck him.

It hurts a lot. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm as strong as I can be. I just can't handle all of the split personalities. It's funny, he's never straight out treated me badly. He's a charmer. Someone who builds you up, says everything you can possibly think of to convince you that you are the one, that he loves you, that you're the love of his life. That he wants you to have your children. He needs you, you're his soulmate, his angel, the one person who he can be himself with. The one person he can be vulnerable in front of without judging. He's never felt love like this before, he's scared, he's amazed. He stares at you in awe because he can see the pure, innocent love in your eyes. You're the perfect girlfriend. He makes love to you, makes you feel like the most important person to him in the world. He makes you feel special.

And, what does he do after he says all of those things to you? He completely turns around, 360, and forgets all of those things, I guess. He takes on another fucking personality and transforms all of those beautiful, meaningful things into lies. A whole year of being together, and he still lies.

So, I made a pact. I made the decision that I would not talk to him anymore. I wouldn't call him, I wouldn't go see him. I would wait until I got the test back. If it's positive, of course, I have to tell him, deal with him, torture, hurt myself because I have to tell him that I'm pregnant & he is far from being the person he promised me he was. If the test was negative, I would continue to not contact him. I would keep myself in check, let the pain and the hurt slowly fade away, find myself somewhere else, a better place.

So it's negative. It's been a week since our last conversation & a week since the pregnancy test. And, it's killing me. Oh well, I need to move on, be with someone who knows me, who won't neglect me..someone who can accept all the love I have given them without sabotaging it because they're mentally sick in the head & can't handle love like mine.

Fuck him. And, fuck me for taking him back the first time. Lesson learned.

I actually feel a little better since writing this. I've only told one or two people about this, because it hurts too much. I have to let go, I have to move on. I can't be with someone so fucked up in the head, even if I know deep down he's good. He's scared, he doesn't know any better. I thought he was the one. Oh well. Life goes on, as do I.

In reality, I'm suffering here.

10:12 p.m. - 2010-05-06
So this is where the engines start...
I can't believe it's already May 2010.

I haven't written in here since June of last year. That is so unlike me. I've noticed that I don't do a lot of the things that I've always done my entire life: painting, writing, photography, going to concerts, etc. I'm not really sure why that is, other that I'm getting older & the responsibilities of an adult are starting to weigh me down.

So a lot has happened since that June 2009 entry. I've found love, I've been working my ass off, I moved in with my sister, and we're closer that we ever have been. I went to the graduations of people I used to diaper & play with, I've turned 28, I've made new friends, reconnected w/ old ones. I've visited family, partied a lot & worked a lot. I've lost my car, lost my love, & had little hardships mixed in with the awesomeness of my life.

My coping mechanisms must have fully developed now because, even though I find myself analyzing the bad things during my quiet little moments, I am actually able to cope with them without damaging my outlook.

You know what all of this boils down to? The fact that I need a serious vacation. None of this 3 days off during the week stuff that I've been doing. I need a full blown 1-2 week long Vacay. If I only had the means to do so.

So, I've lost that love, that's the most recent event in my life. As I look back on our 10 month long relationship, I realize now, a week after breaking up, that he never was someone I could see myself with. He was too needy, to emotionally draining, but still not as nurturing as I would have wanted. We never agreed on anything, he could care less about anything that had to do with me: my likes/dislikes, my family, things that I hold of the upmost importance. Plus, his taste in music sucked balls.

Sure, it still hurts because it's so new, and because you get used to being w/ one person, but I'll eventually get over that. It's the starting over part that's annoying.

Being 28 is weird. By the time my mother was 28, she had moved in w/ my father, gotten pregnant by him, and married him by the end of the year. It just puts things into perspective about how the generations have changed. Most of my friends & cousins my age are starting to think about marriage & children, but they haven't even been close yet. It's just bizarre to think about. Getting older seems scarier, and yet I don't get scared as easily now that I'm older.

9:18 p.m. - 2009-06-14
Though winds of change are blowing wild and free...
So, I've been back in San Diego for the past few weeks now. Even though I enjoyed my time in Seattle, I missed my lovely peeps almost the entire time I was there. Holidays and birthdays were difficult. But, all-in-all, I had a pretty nice experience living there.

Everyone's been asking how it was. How was Seattle? Didn't you like it? In all honesty, I've never really learned how to answer that. Seattle is beautiful, cold, just plain different from San Diego. I wouldn't say culture shock had fully been injected into my consciousness, but it is just not the same. I did like Seattle. I had a job the entire time I lived there. I had my own place. I made new friends. Sometimes I think I just needed a little time to myself. To be alone, live my own life, to be responsible for me and only me. I'm not positive I'd ever had that until I left San Diego. It could have been one of the best decisions I'd ever made to date, if only for that.

I'm not sure if I will ever go back. I joke around with people about living in all kinds of different cities, travel and live like a gypsy, a nomad, and just experience as many places as I can, while I can. I'm not entirely serious, but the idea sounds beautiful. Scary, but not as scary as it was when I did it for the first time.

Ever since I've been back to San Diego, I've noticed something different about myself. I feel more relaxed. I feel smarter. Happier. Less stressed. I don't sweat the small stuff. I know what's important. I don't know what it is exactly, but I smile more. My friends and family have noticed the same thing. The way I carry myself has changed. The way I see life has changed.

I can't pinpoint when or where this changed has occurred. Maybe it was from my grandma's passing. Or, maybe it was because I was on my own in Seattle, and I had to be a certain way. Maybe, I'm just growing up. I'm mentally/emotionally in a place that I can actually tolerate. Not much can hurt me, or depress me, or piss me the fuck off as easily as before.

And, it feels nice.

10:29 p.m. - 2009-03-02
Caught Up In You....
Sorry I forgot about you. I've been busy with you I haven't had much time for anything except living and supporting myself, and traveling, and meeting new people. I'm no longer in San Diego, I'm not even in the state anymore. I'm living in a city that I've always wanted to live in. And, so far, it's pretty cool.

My birthday is in about an hour and half. 27. A couple of years ago, I couldn't even imagine being 27, for some reason. Though I am in Seattle, I do wish I was back home for my birthday, so I can share it with the people I care about most. I know I'm supposed to fly back down to AZ to celebrate Tara's birthday in the middle of the month, but it's just not the same. That's okay, though, I'll be here celebrating with a few people in the meantime.

I feel like I'm not that great at writing in my journals anymore. I don't know if I've just run out of things to say, if I just really don't have time to put down in words what's going on with me, or if I've just outgrown it entirely. It doesn't matter, really, I know that when I really, really want to write, that I will, even if it's been months or years since my previous entry. Still, it makes me wonder. This journal has been going on for almost 6 years. That's a fucking long time for a journal, if you ask me. If this was paper, I'd be on like my 6th journal.

Currently, I am sick. That's right, crappy head cold for my birthday. Of course, this won't stop me from celebrating, by any means, but it's been awhile since I've been sick, and it sucks.

I had a dream last night that the whole state of California went bankrupt. It's probably because I was reading an article about the city of Vallejo in CA that went bankrupt, but still, it scared the shit out of me. I know CA's economy isn't so hot, and I guess it's cool that I got out of the state when I did, even if WA's economy isn't that great either.

I just did my taxes yesterday...Did you?

I will somehow manage to take my birthday shots in addition to my cough drops and hot tea.

2:43 a.m. - 2008-09-01
Before you come undone...
I'm starting to suck at keeping a journal.

Again with the late hours, hence the late-hour journal entry.

So, I've been getting high lately...for the past couple weeks. Actually, I'm high right now, typing a journal entry away. I don't usually get high on a normal basis, but I've been using it for sleep. That sounds pretty bad, that I have to fucking get high to go to sleep @ a decent hour. And, by decent hour, I mean 3-4am-ish. Normal people take tylenol PM or Lunestra or whatever the hell it's called on the commercial. But, I don't. No meds for me, thanks.

So, I come home, change, turn on the TV on whatever comes on DirecTV @ 1am, and I smoke. I even sleep much deeper sleeps, and I don't wake up as much during the night.

Some people become hilarious when they're high. They're a regular bag-o-fun. Others are totally chill and quiet, so much that you have to keep looking over to see if they passed out or not. And, then there's people who start analyzing everything and getting into deep/philosophical mode. I'm 90% sure I'm the last one in most cases.

Well, tonight's the last night being high for awhile. I'll be leaving soon.

12:34 p.m. - 2008-06-15
Warm Me Up...
Wow, 3 months since my last entry. That's pretty fucking long.

So, what has consumed me enough to keep me from writing in my journal for 3 months? Not much. Work, that's one. Being tired all the time. That's another. Wanting to chill and not be on the computer all the time, because I'm on the computer all the time at work, that'll do it.

I guess it's officially summer. Tre's out of school, he'll be in 6th grade. What the fuck? Mariah will be a SENIOR. I'll say it again, a SENIOR. It makes me feel so old. My baby a senior? My other baby almost in Jr high? What kind of nonsense is this?

Mariah put together a whole talent show for her 11th grade project, with proceeds going to Children's hospital. I mean, what kind of 16 yr old does that? She's amazing, and I'm so proud of the stuff she does. She's just like her mom, always busy, always on the go, always trying to make a difference. We talked last week about what she wants to do with her life. She doesn't know, and I told her she doesn't have to know yet, but feels like she's being pressured. I told her she can do or not do whatever she wants, as long as SHE wants it. I don't know if that's the right thing to say, but oh well. It's true, though.

I'm moving to Seattle in August. It's kinda scary, thinking about it. I'm excited, sure, but I worry a lot. Auntie Chrissy thinks I should just go there with nothing and start from scratch. That's kinda scary in itself. No furniture? What kind of idea is that? Eh, that's probably what I'll end up doing, anyway. It's cheaper. It's funny to hear which people think you should go and which ones encourage you. My oldest aunts says no, because I'll be away from family. The youngest wants me to have an adventure. Katrina thinks I won't do it, Nick wants to move with me. Spam...I honestly don't know what Spam thinks. She's sad that I'm moving, but, that's about it. I think I'm gonna try to sell some of my stuff before I leave, just so I don't have to worry about taking or leaving crap.

Today is Father's Day, and Thursday was my mom's anniversary of death. 13 years. Before either one of those days, I decided I was going to make an oldies CD to listen to in the car for my drives to work and back. I ended up with two dozen songs that remind me of my mom and dad, their favorite songs, songs I remember from my childhood. So, I'm listening to all of these songs and reminiscing, and realize what day it is, and what day is coming up, and I get all teary eyed. I don't usually get all teary eyed, but when you have a soundtrack like that playing in the car as you're thinking about certain things, it definitely has it's influences. See, that's why I'm in love with music. It's got that way of reminding you of people, places, things, events, times you didn't think about until you heard that song and you're right back to that time. And, then I went and visited Spam the other day and gave it to her, because she loves that shit.

I think I'm gonna request a weekend off, because I haven't had one in 8 months.

4:18 p.m. - 2008-03-13
If you would meet me halfway....
But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you

If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

Take time to realize
Oh I'm on your side
didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by
Didn't I tell you

It's not always the same
no it's never the same
if you don't feel it too.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

I'm not one who gets lonely often. I don't really know what that concept is. I'm usually always surrounded by people I care about, and I'm lucky that way. I know you don't have to be physically alone to feel lonely, but either way it's just rare for me as long as I'm not depressed.

On that note, I'm lonely, heh. I don't know if it's just a mood I'm in, or if it's a result of my working hours where I don't see or hear from anyone, or if it's just some shit people go through once in awhile, and it just happens to be my time to be lonely. It's probably a mixture of all of those things. Whatever it is, it sucks. =)

I'm not sad by any means. I'm not mad, I'm not depressed, I'm not hurt, I'm not discontent or numb or being negative or any of those other things. I'm just lonely. What do you do when you're lonely? I fear I'll start getting depressed again, but I don't feel like I am or will be. I'm just craving something, and I'm not even sure what that something is. I want something!!! I want it! What? What do I want? Sounds dumb, huh?

I'm definitely the type of person to pick up projects to keep busy. Granted, I pick them also because I'm interested and I love learning and I want to accomplish something cool and fun, but at the same time, I know myself well enough that a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm by myself and I want to keep busy. But, even know, keeping busy doesn't seem to be enough. Maybe I'm craving physical contact. Or, just a friend that's around that I don't have to text or call at late-night hours, knowing full well they won't answer because they're either working or sleeping when I'm awake.

I'm so good at being happy and friendly and joking around and being as close as you can with someone and not actually "getting there" and keeping a little distance left. I'm not talking about just romantically, I mean in general. Maybe I'm just getting older. Maybe it's getting boring and, yes, I'll say it, it's getting lonely. I want to talk to someone. And, no, not shoot-the-shit talking like I know everyone is pretty good at. I want to TALK to someone, someone whom I feel could understand what the hell I'm talking about. I don't crave that often, but, once in a great while. That's not that much.

I dunno, I just don't like bothering people, anyway. Why should I bother people when I'm the one who's lonely? I'm sure they've got other shit to do. No need to be a burden, which is funny, because I doubt anyone I care about could ever be a burden to me. But, not everyone is like me, I just don't want to assume. So, I leave them alone.

I think I'm a pretty good friend. I think I'm a good girlfriend. I think I take care of the people I care about. I'm sure the loneliness will pass, eventually.

God, I AM lonely. This whole thing just sounds like I need a boyfriend. Even the song lyrics reek of it. I'm such a sucker. Forget this whole entry.

1:51 p.m. - 2008-01-17
I'm a winner at a losing game...
I've had a migraine for the past 3 days. I never get migraines, so I don't know what to make of it. Maybe I just need a break. Maybe I'm letting my demons get the best of me. Maybe I just need to eat more. Maybe I worry too much.

I drank more last night than I have in a long time. I just wanted to sleep! I couldn't keep still, I was swaying. I was stumbling around the fucked up house, because they're redoing the floors and everything is out of place. I think I even cooked like grilled cheese last night, though that memory is very vague. Don't cook while drunk, it's a hazard. Don't do it.

It's funny how people don't understand the person you are, or you don't think they want to. Maybe that's the reason people are guarded the way they are. People at work have this vision of me as this outgoing, sweet, funny, laid-back people-person. Yes, I can be all of those things, but it's funny how someone can describe you as those, and you don't see it in yourself one bit.

I strive to be those things, I think I am naturally that way on my own terms. But, I also know I will always be that person that will never let a part of them be seen. I don't know why I'm like that. I hold close to that part of me, and few people in this world have gotten it out of me.

I've also been striving to not be so guarded w/ my feelings. I'm the most laid-back person I can possibly be. I'm that way, because I want people to be happy. It's funny to me, to be so laid-back, but at the same time, never voicing what I really want, because I want to be laid-back.

To someone who really knows me, I mean, REALLY knows me, knows that I care and love unconditionally. You could be the biggest asshole in the world, and somewhere in there, I'm going to believe in you. I will chalk up wrongdoings and hurtful words (or silence, even) to something else entirely. Is this weakness? I don't feel like it is. It could be 20 years before I talk to someone again, and, I'll still be cool with you, because I have that love inside me. It's a blessing, but damn, sometimes it's a curse.

I have no clue what I'm talking about right now, I'm pretty sure this isn't making sense all typed up. But, I swear, it makes sense in my head when I'm thinking it.

1:09 a.m. - 2008-01-04
I know this room and I've walked this floor...
I do realize that my life has been surrounded only by work and not sleeping lately. I have people constantly begging me to take time off, to call in sick, to chill a little. And, that's really complimentary and all, because I love spending time w/ my people, and I constantly feel guilty for not having the time to do such things, but I feel like I've gotta keep going right now.

Sure, I'm a workaholic. There, I've said it. I never have time to do anything fun. Once in awhile, I'll go out and do something, but with working so much, time off is precious, and I need rest. To other people that want to hang out with me, it sorta sucks. I get that. I miss spending time w/ the people I care about a lot. A LOT - a lot. But, a lot of people don't understand how I was before this job, though. Most don't, really, besides family and a select few others. If they only knew the person I was before this job, they'd understand why I work so much.

I don't want to feel guilty everytime someone's in town and I can't hang. It kills me to not be able to do stuff with them. Sure, it'd be lovely, but...I've gotta work. I've been working since I was 16, and I've never called in sick a day in my life. I also know there are people who are just looking out for me, because I do need rest, especially since my sleeping pattern is all fucked up. I like that people care about whether I'm gonna get burnt out or not. I'm just too determined right now. I'll get the balance right, eventually.

The honest-to-god truth is, if I had so much time on my hands w/out working now, I wouldn't know what to do. I'd gone through being idle for a long time before this, and I hated myself. I tortured my body for over a year, I cried all the time, I might as well have been dead, and for a long time, in a sense of the word, I was. People don't realize that, and I won't dare let them, because dwelling on it hurts. So, I keep busy. Plus, the money's damn good.

I'm not saying not working was the only thing missing that caused me to be that way (there's a lot of stuff that I don't even want to think about) but it was part of it.

So yeah, fuckin ay, I'm working.

12:59 a.m. - 2007-12-18
I want...
I want her to remember me.
I want her to recognize my face. Or, anybody else's face in the family.
I want her to sit up in bed.
I want her to be strong enough to walk.
I want her to stop losing weight so she doesn't look so fragile.
I want her to be young again.
I want her to stop repeating herself every two seconds.
I want her to not be scared.
I want her to be pain-free.
I want her to know our names.
I want to carry a conversation with her.
I want to stop hurting everytime I see her laying there, because it reminds me so much of my mom dying.
I want to stop time.
I want to take her to bingo.
I want her to be able to use the bathroom alone, in peace.
I want her to be able to bathe on her own.
I want to heal her bruises, scratches, injuries.
I don't want her to fall anymore.
I want the family to visit her more often.
I want my grandpa to not have to be so stressed out and frustrated.
I want him to stop being in denial.
I want to hear her play the piano again.
I want to understand her.
I want to stop worrying.
I want her to remember my mother.
I want her to know I love her.
I want her to remember.

Too close to that time.

I want all of us to be okay with this, even though I don't think we will be.

12:42 a.m. - 2007-11-13
Big Empty...
Hmm. I think it's about time to move soon. I have the money, I'd have to make the time, though, because I'm officially a fucking workaholic. It sucks. It feels crowded here, even if I always talk about how I feel like I live alone because of my fucked up hours. I dunno, I'm itching for a change, I suppose.

I really want to live closer to work. The commute right now isn't REALLY that bad, but it could be better. I'm not sure if I should just get my own apartment and live alone for awhile, or if I should have a roommate. If I do have a roommate, I'd only want Because right now, I have 7 and a dog. The sad part would be leaving Presley here. Hopefully someone will give that doggie some love, because I feel like I'm the only one that does. Sad.

I keep searching for apartments/roommates during my downtime at work. I already have like 3 people offering to be roommates. One is a couple at work, and I dunno if I want to live w/ a couple, even though they are really cool. I guess it'll come down to location and how cool the roommate is. I dunno, I'm a pretty chill roommate, plus no one would ever see me except on days off. All of the offers are decent, and it's pretty much the same as what I pay now, so that's cool. I wouldn't have to drive as far. I could go to the beach whenever the fuck I felt like it.

I'll probably end up going to AZ after thanksgiving. Katrina's dying for me to go there. I still want to drive to SF, even if it's alone. I haven't been there in awhile, and I want to visit my parents, the only difference being, I'd have a place to stay in AZ, whereas in SF, I'd have to find my own. It's not really that big a deal, though either way. I do miss my buddies, though. We'll see. I'm so indecisive.

I feel like this is a cold entry. Mmm, maybe not cold, just not a lot of feeling like my normal entries. I think I'm just tired. I'm gonna go have a drink now...

2:00 a.m. - 2007-10-18
What's mine is yours to leave or take...
So, I've been taking drives at night/early morning lately because it's hard for me to go to sleep. I'll start driving home from work a little past midnight, and then I'll park the car in the driveway and open the front door and put my purse down and...and, then I pick my purse back up, rummage for my keys, and walk out the door to my car again because I don't want to be home alone and awake.

So I drive. Where do I drive? I have no fucking clue. Sometimes, I'll stop by the store and pick up miscellaneous things that I don't even need, because I'm bored. Tonight, I picked up a bottle of ginseng (because I was out), a pack of orbit gum, some scotch tape, and some lip gloss. What the fuck...And, then I'll start driving home again, because I've got nothing else to do.

I do think about driving to the beach once in awhile, just to clear my mind like I used to, but the beach is too fucking far sometimes. I don't feel like going over the Coronado Bridge, and Mt. Soledad closes their gates kinda early, I think. So, I just keep driving. Oh well.

I love driving alone, though. It's soothing. It keeps me sane. If the right song is on, it keeps me in a trance, depending on what the song is and how I'm feeling at that moment. It's relaxing. I start thinking about everything (like I would do if I was in bed, lying awake staring at the ceiling) only I'm driving. Of course, you have to be careful of that. I can't remember how many times I've missed my offramp or exit because I was in "the zone."

I've been drinking a lot more, too. Well, not A LOT - a lot, but, more frequently. I haven't had a drink in a week, though. Nevermind, I'm normal. Why am I talking about drinking right after going on about driving? No, I don't drink & drive. They should be separate. Get a designated driver. That's safe. This is the stupidest entry to date.

But, I did just buy a new camera. There's always a silver lining, huh?

11:01 p.m. - 2007-09-24
So, it's official. Grandma is going to be admitted into hospice. I want to cry.

Grandma has been going downhill. This isn't anything new. I've been dreading this moment for awhile, as has everybody else, though me and Auntie Chrissy are the only ones who really understand, because we're surrounded with this every day. I'm saying it right now, it sucks. There's a family meeting tomorrow answering questions about hospice and such.

A lot of people don't really understand what hospice is, or how one qualifies for it. You have to be someone who has 6 months or less left to live. That shit alone puts things into perspective, doesn't it?

I visited my grandparents last Friday afternoon at the new assisted living facility. As soon as I walked in, I immediately became depressed. Not because the place itself is depressing, but neither one of them seems to be okay anymore. Grandma had tears in her eyes when she saw me. I've never seen her so unhappy since my mom died.

What's worse is that they're living in this assisted living place, and my grandfather won't even take the fucking assistance they're offering. I mean, I understand he's too proud and what-not, but fuck, that's what they're paid to do. What's the point of them living there if he's just going to refuse and turn them away? My grandma needs help, man.

Grandma always whispers about how grandpa doesn't believe her about everything. Okay, she has dementia, but it's to the point where she doesn't want to be anywhere near my grandfather. I feel like he's oblivious to what is really going on. He's in denial, and I'm sure there's an ounce or two of truth to my grandma's pleas.

My head hurts.

1:01 a.m. - 2007-09-19
These twists and turns of fate..
Time falls away...But these small hours still remain.

A journal. Why do we have journals? I was thinking about this earlier. It's good to just let yourself go, writing whatever the fuck you want in a journal. Every moment of joy, pain, feeling, every secret, any and every event that you think could shape you. Analyzations, any angry thoughts, memories.

And, then I think about how putting them into words just doesn't do any of it justice. You're in love, so you write about how much you're in love. The feelings you get from it, jotting down detail after detail, physical attributes, heartfelt confessions, soulfully and explicitly describing how you feel in your heart and soul. But in reality, nothing you come up with is ever going to suffice a feeling like that. How do you write about such a immense feeling like love?

Or, even better, loss. You can dig as deep as you can within yourself to put down in words how much you hurt about something or other, the physical and mental anguish, the sadness or anger that you think will never subside; it could feel like you're literally fucking dying, but there's nothing in this world that's really going to describe something like that.

Not saying that a journal or writing, for that matter, doesn't work. I think I would absolutely burst if I couldn't write about how I feel sometimes. I was just thinking. Yes, I should stop thinking. And, possibly stop writing in my journal while drinking. I'm an idiot.

12:29 a.m. - 2007-08-13
My mama was the wind, and my daddy was the train...
I'm tired. Very, very very tired. And yet, I'm sitting here in the dark, just coming off a 12 hour shift, trying to survive this sinus infection that sucks balls, writing in my journal. Yes, that's how I roll....And, let me tell you, doing a 12 hour shift while sick is the most bullshit thing ever. Fuck that. But, at least I have the next 4 days off to rest.

Things have been really stressful lately. Chris has been on disability for awhile, because of the cyst in his brain. Neurologists and trips to the hospital galore. Finally, it looks as though it has disappeared, and he'll be going back to work this week.

Our family had a meeting this morning regarding Grandma. So..yeah, she's not doing so good. I mean, she's not doing horrible, she's old, but...My grandpa needs some serious help now. So, my aunt initiated a family meeting to convince my grandfather to take some help in caring for grandma. His pride is just so strong, that he's denied the much needed aid we've been trying to get him to take up until now. And, since I'm basically in this business (without actually being in the business), I know what it entails.

So, this guy called in tonight at work. He sounded so young. He was having a hard time, so we sent a nurse out there. So, I look to see how old he is in his chart, and he's 31, dying of AIDS in a facility. It broke my heart, for him to call into our service by himself, trying to explain why he was in such excruciating pain, without family there.

I teared up for a sec, thinking to myself "yeah...I'm definitely not cut out for hospital stuff." I'm still not sure how I got into this industry, granted it's the tail-end and it is mostly administrative, but...just listening to people call in, crying because their loved one has passed, and them being so grateful because you're comforting them and trying to help them as best as you can....It's some crazy shit. I think this is the first time I've really talked about what I do. Hmm, that should tell you something.

These next two weeks, I've got a lot of time off, mainly because I'm going to visit the Arizona people. I need a break, sorta, even if this is still new. I've been planning this for awhile, so...yeah, I guess I'm going. It's hot as fuck in Arizona though, dude...I'm already fucking dark.

To end on a happy note, I did manage to attend Angel's baby shower before work yesterday, so I got to see the family, and Tri-Tri, Tariffany, and Jason were there too. I walked in, and everyone lit up. It was sweet. They kept staring at my chest, not because of my boobs, but because they kept wanting to grab my collarbone. WTF. Yeah, apparently some people measure skinniness by how far your collarbone sticks out, and apparently I'm good to go. WTF. They are so weird.

I'm gonna take some nyquil now...and spray some nasal spray...and pretend to go to sleep.

1:58 p.m. - 2007-06-30
Take it away, I never had it anyway...
"Opportunistic affection swaying thoughts and selections. Destined dreams gone to the light, pursuing hopes only illuminated at night. Spiritual entities aligned with those damned catastrophies, never knowing what anything really means. Those beautiful lips, those forbidden trysts, overriding the need for slit wrists and my own closed fists. But there's the emptiness. No one forgets the emptiness. No one's immune to the emptiness. Fill me up like the water I've refused to drink, replenish the life I've refused to seek, give me something, anything..."

Woah, okay, stop that before I do something stupid. From all that I wrote just now, it's nice to know I'm not out of my mind. Ironic that I just had this deep conversation about love and life with someone the other night, and I felt like they got and understood the jist of what I was trying to say. I never believed everything I've felt and known in my heart as much as I did that night. It wasn't so much a relevation, as it was the acknowledgement of myself that I know what I feel, and that can't ever be wrong. And now, it's like it's come back to bite me in the ass. Sure, I still believe it, but man, talk about testing your faith.

I've honestly never felt so dead inside as I do now.

12:58 p.m. - 2007-06-25
Like a lighthouse needs a coast...
Like the father and the son need the Holy Ghost. I need you..

Sooo...Usually I write in this journal at night, when my mind is more analytical and thoughtful, but since I'm working nights, I don't know when the next night will be that I can write an entry....Not that I've been writing so many entries now, but that's okay. As long as I'm keeping this alive, it'll keep ME alive.

The family had a scare yesterday afternoon. Chris was on the brink of a seizure yesterday afternoon, and Amy, after threatening to call 911, convinced him to go to the hospital. It turns out he has a cyst/tumor in his brain...Of course, hearing that, it sounds every bit as scary as something like that could sound. The neurologist was trying to determine through MRI's if emergency brain surgery was necessary. After staying at the hospital all day yesterday, I think he's gonna be okay. Still, it's a frightening thing to find out.

All week, I've been trying to keep my body awake, since it's been so used to going to sleep at a decent hour for more than a year. Unfortunately, I can't get past 3am. Remember the days where I'd stay up until sunlight? I'd go to sleep just as Mariah was getting up for school. It was amusing. Hopefully, my hours will start to be more in the 4pm-12am category rather than till 8am.

I feel like everything is coming together, but I still have this sadness in my heart. What the sadness is, I couldn't tell you. I don't know why. I feel like God keeps sending me signs and messages about different things, but I keep ignoring them. And, you know how that is, the more you ignore the signs, the more persistent and regular the signs become. It's dumb. Just give me the sadness, and I'll be on my way, thanks.

I went to visit Karly for a few moments last week, before this whole Chris tragedy happened. I walked in there in search of the little girl, and she saw me and just stood there while I had my arms open and smiled at her. She just stared at me like she didn't know me. Of course, I was surprised by this, and I said "Karly!!! Come here!", and as soon as she heard my voice, she started smiling and giggling and screaming "Sanrah! Sanrah!"

I didn't know what to make of it. My heart was broken for a second. It's only been a little over a month, I didn't think she'd forget me already. But, Amy convinced me she didn't recognize me until she heard my voice because I look different. Amy herself admitted that when I walked in, she didn't recognize me for a split second, and since she doesn't live with me, she doesn't see me as often, and I guess I look different. This has been a running theme for the past 6 months.

I don't know how much more coffee I can drink.

12:42 a.m. - 2007-05-21
Unbroken Ground...
Life is about change. That's what everyone says, anyway. That doesn't mean it's easy, but it is definitely a constant we all must live with/endure/embrace/accept/welcome.

Let's see. Chris, Amy, and Karly are out of the house (and not because they found a place to move to.) Yeah, just another one of those drama things that I'm glad I'm not a part of. If you let go of the drama, it's so much easier to care, but be neutral, and go with the flow. So, they're out, the house is so much quieter, and it's only been 12 hours.

Amy had another miscarriage the end of last month. I figure it's either because it's not meant to be, or her body just can't take another pregnancy (she's had at least 10 pregnancies in her 30 years of life, 4 she gave birth to, 3 she miscarried, 3 she aborted.) Maybe it's both. I feel bad for Amy and Chris both.

I got a car. Nothing spectacular, but not shitty, either. I've driven to my favorite beach, driven to Zimbabwe to see Spam, drove to spend time with the Nickster, given people rides, and took a drive alone like I used to...just to drive and think and contemplate and listen to music and zone out. Everyone keeps calling or texting me, telling me I need to go to Arizona to see the peeps. Annoying, but sweet.

Spam is moving into a new house with her boy and a couple roommates up north. She's been fixing up the place for awhile now, putting in new floors, painting all the rooms, doing the bathroom tile stuff, etc. I went over there yesterday and helped paint for awhile, talking shit to my sister like old times. It's funny, I reminded her how high maintenance and prissy she used to be, how a year or two ago, she would never imagine herself doing the things she's doing, getting dirty, fixing up her own place, not caring about what she looks like and such. She's definitely not the same person. And yet, she is. Weird.

And finally, Mariah's friend just had a baby today. Age? 14. It was surreal, watching Mariah in the waiting room, waiting for her best friend to give birth. It still startles me, to see a girl get pregnant at 13, give birth at 14, being a child having a child. So much of her life is over, and there's still so much to come for her. Scary.

Yeah, what a week. Looking back on it will be interesting.

12:25 a.m. - 2007-04-27
You got to promise not to stop when I say When...
So, I was listening to a conversation Mariah was having with her mom, and she mentions the fact that she doesn't believe in God. Of course, this sets my aunt off course, thinking she hasn't done a good enough job in teaching Riah about faith and what-not.

Curiously, I just asked her how she came to the decision that God doesn't exist, and I continued to ask her simple questions about her opinion, just so I could get a little understanding about her reasoning without being biased about it. It was interesting, listening to her contemplate (or, in her case, not wanting to contemplate) about having faith and love and believing, and how they all could or could not relate in subject.

Her mom was sort of disappointed, but I just figured she's just being skeptical, which is healthy. When I was 15, I didn't know anything about faith, really, which I contribute to certain traumatizing, life changing events. I just went along with whatever my grandfather or aunt wanted me to do, even if I wasn't exactly sure what the reasons were for doing it. In the end, I adopted and understood specific spiritual aspects along the way, and even now, 10 years later, and 10 years older than Mariah, I still wonder. But, I'm more sure of what I believe in and what my faith really encompasses.

It's just a slow, aging, life lesson that evolves throughout your life. Maybe 10 years from now I'll think differently, who knows. Probably not the jist of what I truly know in my deepest of hearts, but, you never know.

10:52 p.m. - 2007-04-14
Dare you to pick yourself up off the floor...
Always the listener, never the listenee. Is that even a word? Who the hell cares.

Well, I don't want to be the listener anymore. People always tell me their secrets that I'm not supposed to tell anyone, and though I never say anything to anybody, I still hate doing that. Why am I the one that has to be put in that position?

I guess I could look at it as a compliment, people trusting me enough to tell me the things they don't want anyone else to know (yet), but I still hate the position I'm always put in, and now I have to go and confess them on this damn journal because I know no one really reads this shit, at least no one in this little circle we call family. I don't know why I even write it here, it's not like it makes me feel any better.

Amy is pregnant again. Why she told me, I have no clue. No, I do have a clue. She thinks of me as one of her best friends, and she tells me that all the time. What sucks is, I don't know if I consider her a best friend at all. I do consider her a friend, sure, but, one that I can take in small doses, one that I can hang and drink with, but best friend? Eh no. That sounds sad and mean, and I'm not one for the meanness, but I just don't feel it. Apparently, I'm the only other person to know besides Chris and Chris' mom.What's funny is, I knew Amy was pregnant before Amy even knew. She just found out yesterday, but I could just tell, I don't know how, but I just did...for a couple weeks now. Maybe it's just that intuitive thing, but yeah...weird. I was just hoping my feeling was wrong.

It seems like they're happy, which is a good thing, but the whole Amy&ChrisCouple deal is STILL uncomfortable to me. That's horrible, right? I'm still not comfortable with it? And I feel bad because I'm not that happy. It's almost like they've been trying to get pregnant, and Amy isn't even divorced from her husband yet. They've been together 5 months, and she's already gotten pregnant twice? I don't know. I mean, it's not something I worry about, but I do worry about the drama that somehow seems to ensue around Amy and Chris, and this will just be the biggest issue of them all, not for me, because I don't give a fuck about anyone right now, but I'm tired of the drama, especially from other family members. I wish I didn't know this piece of news at all.

Another secret? Jasmine has been sent to some teen home, because she's been outrageous in Arizona. Hardcore drinking, hardcore drugs, fucking random guys, she's cutting herself, and she's only in the 9th grade. Her new boyfriend hates her stepfather, Darin, the one man in Jasmine's life that has been her constant, her real FATHER since she was a toddler. And now she practically spits in his face because of all the nasty things her piece-of-shit of a boyfriend has been putting into her head. Jasmine was even caught with two guys in some motor home the last time they went to the desert. What is that girl doing besides hating herself? She needs help.

And of course, I'm the only one to know this besides Katrina and Tara because Angie is so embarassed and doesn't really know what to do about her daughter. And of course again, this only makes me wonder about Mariah. I know they're two separate people, and I trust Mariah more than I trusted Spam when she was that age, but it just makes you wonder. Mariah reminds me of me when I was 15. No, Mariah is more of a good girl than I was at 15, but it's pretty damn close. Who knows, though? I mean, who REALLY knows?

This is just two secrets, imagine all the shit on my conscience that people have told me and said "don't tell anybody, but..." What do I have to do, seclude myself and not talk to anybody?

7:43 p.m. - 2007-04-08
Lost In The Moment...
Colby died last Monday. A truck crashed into him on his motorcycle on the freeway in Washington. He was my age, left his wife and baby. It was all anyone could talk about this past week. He was one of the good ones. It's weird, you know? To be living and happy and have your life ahead of you one moment, and then all of a sudden, it's over. No goodbyes. No last conversations with your loved ones. No last embraces with your family, your wife, your baby. No time whatsoever. At the same time, I know he's okay. I don't worry about Colby, just the people who loved him whom he left behind. I don't want to think or talk about it too much right now. So, I pray.

"Always give everyone you love, all the love you can give. "

Dreams. I've been having a lot of them. I did have a dream about my mom the day before her birthday, as I had expected. The only problem is, did I dream about her because I was supposed to dream about her, or was it because I was expecting to, and it was already on my mind? I dunno, something to think about.

I've been having a lot of "pretty" dreams, which to me means dreaming about stuff that I find really beautiful, i.e. water, mtns, rain, snow, etc. Fuck it, I'll just list them here for future reference.

Snow: inhibitions, repressed/unexpressed emotions and feelings of frigidity. You need to release and express these emotions and inhibitions. You may also be feeling indifferent, alone and neglected.

Lake: To see a lake in your dream, signifies your emotional state of mind. If the lake is clear and calm, then it symbolizes your inner peace.

Mountains: To see mountains in your dream, signifies many major obstacles and challenges that you have to overcome. Alternatively, mountains denotes a higher realm of consciousness, knowledge, and spiritual truth.

Flowers: To see colorful flowers in your dream, signifies kindness, compassion, gentleness, pleasure, beauty, and gain. It is also symbolic of perfection and spirituality.

Stairs: To dream that you are walking up a flight of stairs, indicates that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual/emotional/material journey.

Candy: To see or eat candy in your dream, symbolizes the joys and special treats in life. It also represents indulgence, sensuality and/or forbidden pleasure.

Jacket Zipper: To see a broken or stuck zipper in your dream, signifies your frustration in not being able to resolve a situation or problem.

Rain: To dream that you are watching the rain from a window, indicates that spiritual ideas and insights are being brought to you awareness. It may also symbolize fortune and love.

I guess these are a good jumping off point.

11:16 p.m. - 2007-03-20
I've got one last chance to get myself together...
How do you get to the turning point in your life in which you unconsciously decide to Check Out? What is the definition of "checking out" of one's life, anyway? I don't think it means wanting to end your life, and I don't feel like it means you absolutely don't care about anything anymore. Is it confusion or just low self-esteem? What makes someone believe that there's nothing else you can do or say or think or feel to make anything better?

It JUST started raining right now. Is that a sign, or just our extended winter weather forecast?

Can you feel hopeless but still hopeful in your heart at the same time? Is it possible to just give up and be done with everything, but deep down never be able to give up completely? Is that where faith comes into play? Do alcohol and drugs and all other sorts of addictions start because someone just gives up, just throws away any type of positive thinking, and just lives day by day, never putting effort or faith into anything or anyone, therefore drowning themselves in superficial substances to take away the pain or to prevent themselves from actual thinking?

I know I'm just babbling on here, but sometimes I wonder about this. It's shit like this that makes me want to get my psychology degree.

Spam called me today about her sociology class, which is cute because I took the exact same course in college. We ended up debating about some subjects that they're discussing in her class. The problem is, Spam can't effectually debate for the life of her. She can't "argue" about stuff without getting heated and passionate about the subject, which I love, by the way, but it just made me laugh. I wasn't even debating with her, just mentioning some facts and trying to get her to understand the other side. I didn't even give her my own opinion about them. I dunno, it was funny, Spam trying to be all intellectual. I love that girl.

I wish it would rain more often.

This is the most confusing entry I've written in a long time.

9:33 p.m. - 2007-03-04
Hold onto your love, it might not be coming back...
I love that song. Seriously.

Yesterday was my 25th birthday. At first, I was kinda annoyed that I was 25, and felt really old at midnight as I took my first birthday shot of the day. 25 is still a baby, they're saying. I'm not buying it. I feel like I'm barely 21. Nonetheless, it was one of the best birthdays I've had in a few years. Who would have known that could've happened? I don't know how I functioned throughout the day. I was motherfuckin' fucked up for half of it. Don't worry, I'm not complaining.

The get-together with 30+ people was decent. Good size house for a good amount of people, without it getting annoying. I had a good time, mainly because my people are hilarious when they're under the influence. Nick started videotaping much of the debauchery out on the patio. He just set the camera and left it. Yeah, rewinding and watching it the morning after was surreal.

My sister was the best part of the entire day. I missed her a lot, and after she was fucked up, much of her drunk jibber-jabber was about how much she misses, and how she needs to come down more often, because she goes through withdrawals without us. We took shots together, just me and her, throughout the entire night. It's funny, she has a major accent when she's inhebriated, a cross between a southern debutante and a so cal valley girl. How did I miss that?

I ended up not seeing one of those pseudo-psychics, mainly because there wasn't any time. No fretting, though. I can do that whenever. I did, however, get a carton of cigarettes, a new purse, some cash, and a few other substances. All is good.

I am sorta irked that I didn't get to blow out any sort of candle yesterday. I got the song, but no wish. Maybe it's just as well. Maybe wishing isn't the way to go this time around.

We'll see how 25 pans out for me.

7:30 p.m. - 2007-02-21
Can you stand the rain?
After all this time, I'm still having a hard time falling asleep. You'd think I'd get through this stupid insomnia by now. Well, I can't say I'm as bad as I was before. I didn't go to sleep before 6am for a straight year. Nonetheless, I have to force myself to go to sleep, even if it means fighting with my thoughts and depressions in my head while I'm laying there literally telling myself to shut up. Even then, I can't stay asleep for the whole night when I do fall asleep finally. What's wrong with me?

Sam chewed me out a couple times last week for my non-eating habits. This coming from the girl that used to have to get high in order for her to have an appetite.

So anyways, I was watching Silvia Browne for two seconds today on TV, and I thought it would be cool to go to a psychic for my birthday, you know, something to do that might be interesting but that I would never actually pay for, because it's probably bullshit. You never know, though. Even though I'm depressed, I still find myself being spiritual in my own way, maybe more. Of course, I could just be holding onto something that isn't there, but...there's still that "you never know" that I've been saying forever. You just never know...Nothing's predictable. In saying that, what's the point of going to a psychic if I think nothing's predictable? For sheer entertainment, that's what.

Now John Edward, he's the real deal. I would go to his show in a second, though I'd have mixed feelings about being read. On one hand, I'd want to, because that's the curious person that I am, and it interests me, just as going to a psychic on my birthday interests me, but on the other hand, I would get way too emotional if John Edward told me my parents were sending him messages for me.

Maybe that's the type of crap I need, though. My aunt had a co-worker give her a psychic reading and told her I have a black cloud over my head and to watch out for me, because I hold everything inside and put a lot of pressure and worries on my shoulders. I dismissed that info at the time. But then again, I was happier with myself then.

It weird, thinking back at the type of person I was, not even that long ago, maybe a couple years. I feel like I was an entirely different person. I don't recognize that person. I was so much stronger than I am now. I cared more about my life. I was more determined and satisfied with all the little things that made up me. I'm not sure if that was just naiveness or not. Not that I'm completely falling apart right now. I'm just not the same, it's odd. I feel like I'm darker in some ways. Objectively, I don't know if I like that. It all doesn't matter anyway, I have my good days, and I have my bad ones. I'm sure it'll even out later.

Reading back on this entry, what the fuck am I babbling on about?

10:25 a.m. - 2007-02-08
This love is killing me, but you're the only one...
I guess people have been having dreams of me lately, like one after the other, coming up to me or calling that they dreamt about me in some weird way. I don't know why or what they mean, but it's kinda funny, considering I haven't been able to remember my dreams for while now.

I kinda don't want to get into the details of the dreams themselves, but everyone says that I seem happy in them. Katrina and Amy think they're dreaming of me because I look different to them in real life, which is also kinda funny, because you don't really look different to the people you live with, because you see them everyday. Ok, I get it, I look different.

Valentine's Day is coming up, and yeah, everyone knows I can't stand the holiday, even when I'm with someone. This is around the time that I usually go through my whole "Valentine's Day is wack, because when I worked at Hallmark it was horrendous...but I give people valentines anyway" yadda yadda yadda routine. I think Valentine's Day is for the insecure. Think about it. You're insecure because you don't feel loved enough if you don't get something for V-day. And, for the givers, if you don't GIVE something great for V-day, they won't love you, or won't know how much you love them. Well, that's wack.

I gotta find someone that sees eye-to-eye with me on this, because every V-day, one of my peeps is disappointed in some way.

I feel like shit, I should go sleep it off.

3:08 p.m. - 2007-01-28
Use me as you will...Pull my strings just for a thrill...
"When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out
How this world turns cold and breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one"

I haven't written in here in about a month. Not that I have a lot to write about, but I feel guilty for not writing more often.

Anyways, like I mentioned in my myspace blog, I'm not so sure about life. Yes, it has its ups and downs, and that's sposta be normal, but...I'm sort of lost right now. Again, yes, I've been a lost for awhile now, but...I'm really starting to contemplate and wonder about it all.

I feel like life is like a really big maze. Everyone starts off on the same path towards wherever they think they're supposed to go. So, you move forward in this maze, minding your own business, thinking you're going in the right direction, when you hit a dead end. So, what do you do? You turn around and start over again, retracing your steps, trying to find a new path that you hope will eventually bring you to the end. You meet people along the way, wandering through the same maze as you, with the same intentions as you. You can leave them behind to find their own way, or you walk with them and bring them along for the ride. Bad things can happen along the way to try to steer you clear from going the right way, but as the years go by, you learn which paths are the right ones, and which ones are a waste of time. If you're smart and determined enough, you'll keep going until you reach the end, despite anything that happens.

The more I write on and on with this maze analogy, the more I sound like a complete idiot. Oh well.

As the months go by, everyone keeps telling me that I'm looking more and more like Spam, only darker and slightly more exotic, of course. I never thought I looked like her in any way. I guess that's what happens when you don't eat. It's not like I'm trying to not eat, I'm just depressed I guess. And, what sucks is, when people tell me I'm looking good, it does absolutely nothing for me. I wish I could be happy with the changes my body is going through, but it's my emotional changes that has all of my attention right now. For the 500th time today, I need to relax.

Spam and Amy both started college for the first time this semester. I'm happy for them. I'd been trying to get Spam to go back to school forever, and now I feel relieved because she's getting her life in order. I got to spend a short period of time with her last weekend. I miss her terribly.

I want to get over this. Seriously.

6:17 p.m. - 2006-12-28
It just comes natural....
It's funny how I always start this journal with the word 'So'. I'll try not to use it so much this time around.

Christmas 2006 was sweet. I don't mean sweet like...dude..sweet. I mean, sweet as in...aww, that's sweet. All 258 of us went to Auntie Jo's tiny place and had Christmas dinner there. She'd never had Christmas dinner at her place before, so she was really excited and anxious that she pulled it off sort of by herself. Though almost everyone I love was surrounding me on this holiday, I didn't feel much relief or calmness until my sister arrived. I feel like I don't really know her on a daily basis anymore, but as soon as she got there, everything seemed as it was before we went our separate ways. I dunno, it was weird.

Auntie Doris had a little conversation with me at the gathering, and she told me she HAD to tell me about this dream she had about my mom. She had dreamt that her husband had gone to work, and my mom was standing there wearing a really pretty sequined dress. She got into bed with my aunt and just laid with her and cuddled. She told her to keep an eye out for me and Sam. So, she's added us in her "main" prayers everyday. Sweet, right?

Also, Auntie Cerila hugged me for a long time before she left to go home, letting me that "you girls are my daughters." She's so sincere in everything she says and does. It was pretty touching, because I haven't been someone's daughter in a long time. I didn't know what to say, so I just smiled and said 'Thank You', and gave her another really big hug. Sweet too, right?

I may be down on myself 75% of the time at this stage of my life, but I do have a great family.

On another note, I've got so many things to think about for the new year. I would write them down here, but I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions. I'll keep them right here for now.

5:28 p.m. - 2006-12-20
I will lay down my heart, and I'll feel the power...
So, I was reading in my old college psych textbook about depression, and I came across this paragraph about how people who write about the stresses in their lives (i.e. a journal, diary, poetry, etc) are 3x less likely to have ulcers or heart attacks. Interesting. So, I might as well write today.

I'm REALLY feeling the Xmas blues right about now. I'm missing people, I'm missing places, and I'm missing life. This depression business is getting old. So is the drama business in the house. And, yet, none of it is going away anytime soon, as far as I can tell. I want to say that I'm numb, but that would mean that I don't feel. In that case, I'm not numb, because I'm feeling a lot. Maybe I'm feeling too much.

I want to talk to somebody. I guess I kind of feel lonely. I don't know what that would do to help, but it wouldn't hurt in trying, I guess. Katrina is so preoccupied with her brother's relationship, it wouldn't matter what I wanted to get off my chest. I don't ever really see my aunt, except on the weekends, and even that is scarce. Tara is busy with her own household problems with the boyfriend, and Nick is in the same boat as me, the only difference being, he puts in his headphones and zones out everything and everyone. My sister calls sometimes, but we pretty much shoot the shit, unless she's having problems with her boyfriend or his mother.

I know I'm the listener. I get that. I understand what that entails. Once in a great while, I want to be listened to, though. Not often...just once in a great while.

I guess that's what writing in here is for. Why doesn't it seem enough? I dunno, I'm being dumb. I've held this shit in for this long, right? Doesn't matter. It's so much easier getting drunk alone and listening to sad music, anyway. Ok, I'm gonna end this here, because this entry is getting way too depressing even for me.

11:20 a.m. - 2006-12-12
Standing in the mirror, with little black rivers runnin' down her face...
Well, it's that time of year again.

It's funny how I seem semi-normal in my myspace blog, joking about christmas and seeming half excited to start doing all those little Christmas-y things that we always do every year, but honestly, I've never really felt "in the spirit" of the holiday. I like getting the kids excited for Christmas, doing little traditions with them, but..yeah..that's about it. It's okay though, everyone gets the Christmas Blues, I think. When it gets closer to the 25th, I'll settle down some, and I'll enjoy the holiday somewhat.

I think Tri-Tri and Amy are worried about me. I'm not really sure why, because I don't do or say anything out of the ordinary. Tri always asks me if I've eaten today, Amy always wonders what I'm thinking about, and I just don't know what to make of it. It's to the point where it's sort of annoying, but I know they care about me, so I can't really get annoyed. Tri once told me that, even when I seem super happy, I have a "thoughtful sadness" in my eyes. She says my eyes give me away everytime. Maybe that's true? Iowno?

So yeah, my dad's birthday is on the 17th. He would be....this is me counting....54. I wonder what he would look like now. Without a picture to look at, it's hard for me to imagine about what either one of them looked like in my head anymore. Yeah, it's been a long time.

My aunt has a week off from work this week, but I don't think she'll ever slow down to rest during these 7 days. She never does. I think she just uses her paid vacations to catch up on everything she needs to get done. That kinda sucks.

I finished another painting.

11:20 a.m. - 2006-12-05
Some People Aren't Lucky Like Us...
"It's sad to think that some won't find it
And others won't recognize it even when it comes
We're all at the mercy of the will of love"

So...Today's my parent's wedding anniversary....I guess it's a "silver" one, because it would be 25 years. Sometimes I wonder if they'd still be married to one another. I think they would. They were opposites in some ways, but very much alike in others, despite their constant fighting throughout my childhood. Bottom line, they were in love.

Even after my dad died, I wondered if my mom would ever be with another man. Of course, this was before I knew how sick my mom was. She never wanted to be with another guy, but I wonder now if it was because she probably figured she would die sooner than later, or because she couldn't imagine herself with someone else other than my dad. Probably both.

I can't imagine being married to the same person for 25 years. No, I take that back, I can. It just depends on the individual people. There's no way in hell I'm getting married more than once. I WILL NOT be divorced.

On another note, Cerina eloped. I'm happy for her, even if her parents are not. They are very very VERY strict Christian people. It sucks, because her older brother and her older sister were both forced into marriage because of pregnancy and the "abomination" of having children before marriage. But, Cerina just wanted to get married because she's in LOVE. And, they still didn't support her, so she eloped. I think they thought of her as their "last chance" at having the perfect daughter. I'm sure it'll all blow over, but I feel for her.

Wow, an actual pattern in my entry.

5:58 p.m. - 2006-11-30
November 30th, 2005
So, I was doing my yearly "looking back on my journal" thing today, and I found the entry from a year ago exactly. With all the shit that's been happening recently, it's actually an inspirational entry..I must have been in high hopes then. I must have had something to hold onto then....


"I realize more and more everyday, that I'm becoming a different person. I'm not sure how, exactly, all I know is that I'm not the same. I don't know when it started, or how it will eventually play out. In turn, I'm afraid during this process. Anything can happen, whether it be my worst nightmare, my lowest low, or that my childhood dreams will finally come true.

I'm blessed that I still have my faith. And, I don't usually use my faith very often, but I know I've always had it in me. And, now, more than ever, it shows up again during my most difficult, my most confusing, and my most profound, life-turning moments. I believe in so much. And my faith, along with my intuition, is going to be one of the keys in this. I know it. And I can say "I know it" because I have that faith with me.

I know it. And, I'm ready to start conquering this."


How much of this has changed, you ask? Strangely enough, not much of it. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I'm not ready to give up my hopes and beliefs yet. Of course, where I was in my life and what that entry was about isn't the same, but I still like to think that I have that. There are just certain things that I'll never let go, and I'll take it to the grave with me.

4:42 p.m. - 2006-11-27
You don't know me...
Partial convo with some guy last weekend:

Him: Dude, you're like the perfect girlfriend. How come you haven't been scooped up yet?

Me: Uhh, maybe I don't want to be scooped up?

Him: What? Why the fuck not? Every girl wants to be scooped up.

Me: What the hell is scooped up?

Him: Aw c'mon, you know every girl is looking for a dude, even when they say they're not.

Me: Well, I'm REALLY not. Broken heart, scarred soul, nuff said.

Him: Oh, one of those.

Anyways, I'm just gonna lay it all out.

I'm living in this house, surrounded with everyone's drama...I feel like I'm the only normal person here, and let me tell you, I highly doubt I'm anywhere near normal.

I mean, I know I'm just naturally a good listener when it comes to people venting their problems, and normally I'm really supportive, but it's exhausting, and irritating.

I'm hearing all these people's issues, and I just keep thinking that they are the same ones...over and over and OVER again. You can only listen and try to help so much, especially when they don't follow your advice. So, why bother? People are gonna do and feel what they want.

Amy in particular has so many issues, I can't keep hearing everything she says everyday. She talks and talks and talks, and I just say "mmhmm" and "yeah" over and over, not hearing a word she's saying. She seriously stresses me out with all her shit.

It also doesn't help that Katrina now has this hatred against Amy because she's "hanging out" with Chris, though only God knows why. I'm totally down for Katrina always, but I can't take sides when I live in the house with the both of them. I hear one side of something, and then I'll hear another side. I'm caught in the middle of this stupid game of telephone, and I don't know who the hell to believe. I just want to chill.

My aunt, on the other hand, goes out to the bars every weekend to hook up. She'll come home with a guy or three, thinking other girls in the house will want to hook up (and sometimes they do.) When she's not trying to hook up, she's involved with a guy MY age, who happens to be married, who also happens to do a little crystal on the side. By involved, I mean they fuck every once in awhile when he can get away in the middle of the night.

I don't understand any of this.

And then everyone wonders why I just keep to myself 80% of the time. Sure, I'll hang out and drink on the weekend, but other than that, I don't get involved with the drama. I can't believe how out of the loop I am. I just zone out. It's scary how indifferent I've become, even though I know deep down inside, I still care. I just feel like I've got nothing to offer these people. I'm trying to focus on myself here.

So, it sounds like everyone is wanting to go to the bay area for Christmas. Again, not much into the spirit this year. Maybe I'll just chill here if they go up north. I wonder if Vegas for New Years is still intact.

Relocation is sounding better and better.

1:01 p.m. - 2006-11-21
So Tonight That I Might See...
So, Katrina's mom told me about this woman in her 20's that had a boyfriend in Colorado. He was tall, dark, and gorgeous, with tan skin and bright, green eyes. Every girl around thought he was beautiful. On top of that, he was intelligent and very sweet. He was separated from his estranged wife, and he had two children. Well, the woman ended up moving to Kansas for awhile, ultimately parting ways with the guy.

This didn't stop the guy from wanting her, though. So, he drove from Colorado to Kansas, just to see her and try to get her back. But, she couldn't do that. She eventually told him that he needed to go back to his wife and children. Everyone thought she was crazy for letting him go, but something inside her told her that this was how it had to be. In the end, he did eventually go back to his wife, and the woman went her own way.

What woman would turn away a guy like that, and follow her intuition instead?

My mom.

What does that say about her? What was it about her that was so intriguing, that a man would do anything to get her back? And, what other things don't I know about her life before me or Sam? I think about that all the time.

On another note, Amy told me yesterday that I look like a different person. I I didn't press it, but I'm not entirely sure what that means. I know she didn't mean it in a negative sense. Did she mean physically, because I know I do look sort of different. Emotionally? Do I not act like me anymore?

I handwrote a deep,long letter last night, and folded up really small and tucked it into my pillowcase. I haven't done that since I was 17. But, I felt better.

Spam will be absent for Thanksgiving, because her friend is getting married in Vegas, and apparently she's a bridesmaid. It's the first major holiday I've had without her. It sucks major balls.

7:23 p.m. - 2006-11-18
It's easy to make the stupid mistake of letting go...
So Tri-Tri has been trying to talk me into moving to Arizona with her. She's convinced that moving there will relieve her of some of the stresses that all of us are constantly enduring while living in this house. I'm not really sure if moving to Arizona is going to solve all of the issues, but more and more, I've been thinking about moving (hence my saying so a few entries ago.)

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I could do it. What had me tied here in the past isn't really tying me down anymore. I could move away and not have to worry about other people. I could focus on me. Have I come to the point in my life where I don't care what anyone thinks? That I want to do what I want to do, and not have to sacrifice myself in order to please or help others? Sure, I'm a helping person, but when have I ever had the chance to help myself, without it benefitting someone else in the process? I don't think I've ever done that in my entire life, just worrying about myself and no one else...God, that sounds sad.

I don't know if I would necessarily pick Arizona. Katrina's been there twice, and she always comes back raving about how she wants to move there, how the vibe there is so much more laid back and relaxing, how she feels stress free when she goes there. In my opinion, I think I would move anywhere at this point, just as long as it was something new. Maybe I'm done with California for now, or maybe I'm just in a phase where I want everything to change, including my surroundings. New location equals new job, equals new people, new scenery, new everything.

But, then I'm afraid that I'll have a change of scenery, and everything will still be the same. It's like that LA song, where she leaves LA and moves somewhere else, then moves back to LA because she learns that she's going to have trouble wherever she goes. I don't want that. But, what harm would it do to just try it for a year? I've got nothing else going for me, at this point. Maybe I'm just depressed, it hasn't been that long...

I could move anywhere, I guess. Where would I go? What would I do? Who would I meet? Would I be happy? How much would I miss my family, and would I be able to handle that?

Maybe next's not that far away.

12:47 a.m. - 2006-11-12
It's almost 1am here...and all I can think about is how hard it's raining. I love it so much, but at the same time, rain gives a new feeling, a new meaning. It's more bittersweet. Sure, it relaxes and calms me, and it always has, for as long as I can remember, but for some reason, there's a sadness that creeps into me when i'm sitting outside listening and watching and smelling the rain. My thoughts wander, my cigarette burns and ashes flutter to the ground, and all I can do is sit incredibly still, frozen in place, listening to the storm, while my mind races and double loops and it just won't leave me alone...not even for a second..not even for just a moment to savor that rain. It sucks.

I've been thinking a lot about death lately. Sure, death has been all around me since I was a little girl, but lately, I've been pondering it more and more. No, not pondering it in any way where I want to die, but I've just been thinking about...well, I don't know how to explain how I've been thinking about it. Sometimes I wonder which is worse, having someone you love taken away from you without a moment's notice, them being there one second, and them being gone with the snap of your fingers in the other. Or, is it worse to watch the ones you love slowly wither away, death seeping into their bodies and mind, knowing full well they haven't much time left until they know there's nothing else to do except to let go.

The dream about Samantha dying a month ago was what kicked all of this off, I think. That, and watching my grandmother get worse. It's only a matter of time, and it's hard to remember all of the things she used to do when we were little, how energetic she used to be, how much personality and spirit she held inside her...and now I'm not even sure she remembers how to tie her shoes. It kills me, but I know somewhere deep in there, she's still there.

Great, now I'm starting to not make sense. It's either really late or my cold/flu thing is starting to get to me. I need some 'tussin'.

7:01 p.m. - 2006-11-05
He's an angel with no halo, and one wing in the fire...
Weekend Recap:

-Wine drinking with Chris, Jason, Nick, Amy, Chrissy, Me on Friday night.

-Sushi with Nick and Tri-Tri on Saturday afternoon. It was decent.

-Heinekens with the peeps afterwards, listening and singing old skool songs from Nick's ipod @ the top of our lungs. Reminiscing about the good ol' days.

-Swap Meet early Sunday morn. Meeting up with Jason and Kristina just to chill. Browsing jewelry w/Mariah.

-Amy's neverending drama. Nuff said.

-Charger/Browns game. Amy cooking dinner.(what?)

-Nick wearing mariah's "Varsity Football" Footsie pajamas (they're big)and a cape and running around the house with his arms out, pretending he's a superhero. Fucking hilarious.

Tara and her boy flew to Nashville this weekend for her all-expense-paid trip to the CMA's. She texted me a pic of Sugarland, Josh Turner, etc., and I guess she's getting to see all these country stars. I'm officially envious that she even has the opportunity to be in Nashville.

So, I was watching ER last thursday night, and there was an instance in the episode where a woman suffered a heart attack after learning moments before that her husband had died. They called it "Broken Heart Syndrome", and although I've heard of it before, I never really thought something like that was real. So, because I'm a dork, I googled the syndrome to research up on such a thing. And, apparently it's true. You can die from a "broken heart". I guess if you think about it, it makes sense.

Would it be too morbid to admit to wanting to love and be loved that much? Shut up.

1:06 a.m. - 2006-10-29
Slow Dancing In A Burning Room...

ZODIAC SIGN?:pisces.
WHAT'S FUN FOR YOU?:things that aren't boring.
LAST MOVIE YOU SAW?:I have absolutely no memory.
TOP OR BOTTOM?:top or bottom what?
WHAT'S SEXY TO YOU?:humor, confidence without the cockiness, art, music, being genuinely soulful.
BEST PHYSICAL FEATURE?:hair, lips, smile.
WHAT'S YOUR FLAW?:I have a lot of flaws.
BOYSHORTS OR THONG?:depends on what you're wearing.
BOXERS OR BRIEFS?:I wear neither, but boxers for a guy.
WHAT'S YOUR FEAR?:to be a jane doe; to never love and be loved.
WHAT'S YOUR WEAKNESS?:what weakness?
I'D RATHER BE.....:sleeping.
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?:I don't know anymore. Being with my family.
YOUR MOM/DAD ALWAYS SAID......:I don't remember anymore. It's been a long time.
WHAT REALLY PISS ME OFF IS........:no turning signal.
I'M MOST PROUD OF .........:the way my family rocks.
ARE YOU HAPPY OR STRESSED?:probably stressed...or depressed, same thing.
ONE WISH?:if I say it, it'll never come true.
YOU REGRET DOING?:letting my guard down.
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12:11 a.m. - 2006-10-27
Holiday In Spain...
Sometimes I think about leaving California, packing up everything I could handle with my own two hands and just drifting away to another state. I could start over, I could lay some sort of foundation somewhere and not worry about what's happened or not happened in the past. It'd be refreshing.

But, then I would think about how much I would miss the people I love, and how I might be disappointed with my location choice. I wouldn't want to have to move over and over until I found the right place. Everyone knows I'm tired of moving. I just think one more big move might do me some good. I think about applying for jobs in faraway places, just to see if any good offers would be thrown my way, to see if I'd even be tempted to take a job like that. I mean, I could go teach English in some foreign country, save my money, and be happy. I know so many people who do that. I would have to have some major balls to go to a different country alone, though.

I still want to at least visit other states, just to see what it's like. I still want to go to Chicago, New York, Boston, New Orleans, Florida, Seattle. Maybe I've come to the point that my mom came to when she was my age. She traveled this whole country, and loved every minute of it. Not that I'm thinking about it just because my mom did it or anything, but it makes me wonder. As I'm writing this, I doubt I'll go anywhere. Leave California for good? Who the fuck am I kidding? Everyone knows there's only one way I would ever leave the state, and I'm not going to get into that right now.

Who knows though, sometimes I surprise even myself with my decisions and actions.

1:54 a.m. - 2006-10-21
So here's that journal entry that I wrote while I was away:

September 16, 2006

"These past two weeks have literally been a whirlwind, moreso than any other time in my life, besides my parents dying. I feel like we're all growing up. Family members are moving on with their lives, transforming before my very eyes. Little cousins and brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews are maturing, moving away from the dense pack of people that we've slowly built, generation after generation. Nick graduated from high school, no longer the little baby that I used to cart around with me, pretending he was my own. Mariah is a sophomore in high school, continuing on the teenage path with all of her talents and determination to be something great in tow. My sister has her own life now, I realize this finally. I don't see her as often, and I barely talk to her, especially since I no longer have a cell phone, but I'm ok with it. After visiting where she lives, I've made peace with it. She's not a child anymore. Granted, she still has her irresponsible tendencies (the cell phone fiasco), but I can't keep her on a leash anymore....not that I ever could have in the past, but I've completely cut the imaginary cord. She's free. And, I miss her very much, but the realization of her being her own person reassures me. She's thriving, and she's a survivor.

This past move has been the hardest move any one of us has ever endured. It was 4 long days of dealing with dozens and dozens of appliances, furniture pieces, people, moving two seperate houses. The U-Haul truck we rented broke down twice, and waiting for a mechanic until 6 in the morning was worse than the actual move. Every one of us had been sore for days after. But, now I live in a beautiful, two-story, 5 bedroom, 3 bath home, in an awesome neighborhood, closer to all of my favorite places. I feel so much better being "home". There is a large gated front patio, equipped with statues and a fountain, while there is a huge covered veranda in the back, perfect for chillin' outside, smoking cigarettes. I can't wait until it rains and I can go out there and sit and listen to the rain. I miss it.

I'm trying to make a new life for myself here. It's been really hard these past few years, and I'm really starting to change my actions and my way of thinking. I'm trying not to be scared to speak my mind anymore. It doesn't do any good to keep so much in, though I doubt I'd be able to give myself out completely to anyone that will listen. It's just not my nature, and I know I'll always be one of those people who will never share a little piece of themselves, no matter who it is. But, I can try to be more free to do what I want to do. Granted, I know that while I'm trying to transform myself, I've become indifferent to certain aspects in my life, which in my opinion, isn't a good thing, because indifference can protect you as well as hurt you in the long run, but I'm taking baby steps here.

The indifference is probably an after-effect of my trip to Michigan. I feel like there are so many things I must focus on in my life right now, and love isn't one of them. Broken promises and memories must be swept under the rug and forgotten about. I don't want to admit it, but people are saying I've been traumatized. The one thing I'd been obsessively worried about my entire existence had occurred, and although I'm okay, I seriously doubt I'll be able to love someone again. I know that my people think it's bullshit when I've said it out loud, or they just dismiss it and think that I'm being ridiculous, but unfortunately, this is just what my future is going to entail. It's too much for me to handle. A miracle would have to happen in order for me to get over this. So, until a miracle comes along, I'll stay away from anything that resembles love.

I don't want this journal entry to sound like I'm not doing well, though, because I think I am. I can push the hurt aside and do what I have to do. I'm functioning. Sometimes, when I'm supposed to go out and have a good time with my people, it's like I'm putting on a play. I get into character and act the part I'm supposed to. I'm supposed to want to go out and have fun. I'm supposed to hang with these fuckers and throw worries and dark thoughts out the window when we're together. And, for the moment it works. But, in the car before we get there, I'm depressed, and afterwards, when I come home and lay in my bed in the dark with my thoughts, the depression creeps back. Maybe it'll never go away, and will stay with me like a scar. I'm determined to live with it.

I don't even look the same to me anymore. Well, I'm sure I look like me, but I think I look different.. I remember being a child, and staring at myself in the mirror for so long that I couldn't recognize the reflection before me. I feel like that has happened now. I don't know if it's my attitude or my outlook on life, or just the fact that I rarely eat, but there's something about me that is missing. Or maybe something inside me has transformed, and everything is just different now. I can't pinpoint it, but it would be a waste of time to analyze it to death.

Hopefully I can start writing more entries soon, our internet provider is taking forever to transfer to this house.
Time to go get ready to go see some band. More later."

12:10 a.m. - 2006-10-16
I won't let go until you're safe and sound...
So here's a recap of what's been going on in my life:

- The E-40 concert sucked, Jason's birthday was fun, my aunt's wedding reception here at the house was a success, and I've finally seen my sister a couple times while living here.

- I have a new cell phone, which means new plan, new nu