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12:55 a.m. - 2016-10-24
What happened?

3:24 a.m. - 2011-10-21
And the stars in their slowness took us by surprise...
So, I haven't written in here in over a year. 13 months, even. I never thought I would be 29 years old and still have this old, dusty journal. That's some dedication, isn't it? I mean, obviously I'm not as dedicated as I used to be with this, but I don't know very many people that have had a place, the same place to write their private thoughts for almost 9 years. I'd like to think of that as an accomplishment.

I would like to say that upon reflecting on my thoughts, fears, and events in my life for this long, I could make more sense of things. I would like to, but I don't think I can. It could be the absolute opposite of that. Life just seems way too malleable, changeable. It's never the same. Just when you think you can pinpoint some form of familiarity in your world, it completely changes. It morphs into something you never thought it could, whether that be bad or good, or just different.

The older I get, the more I realize I don't have a fucking clue as to what I'm doing here, what we're here for. What is the purpose? How did we get here? Why is life the way it is? When does one figure it all out, when we're grandparents? When we're already gone? It's just odd to think about. These are the questions that pop into my mind when I'm sitting alone outside in the backyard, chillin, smoking a cigarette and staring up at the constellations & moon and flip out that we're even here. On a planet. Floating in space, floating with other balls of gas, matter, living these tiny, individual, detailed lives on the surface of some crazy-ass thing floating in a never-ending universe. Who the hell comes up with this shit?

I've never acknowledged the bigger picture as much as I do now that I'm older.

In my own tiny, individual, detail-laden life, it doesn't seem so crazy. I work, I spend time with my family. I try to keep my crazy thoughts and emotions in perspective. I'm just living life. I'm Not expecting much, just something to think about, to experience...then I can either run with it and embrace all that has been offered to me, or I can catalogue it away and know it's there, but never have to go back unless I want to. It feels free.

With all the free thinking and doing I am trying to experience, I'm still tormented a little. I wonder if I'll always be tormented in some way or other, either because of my upbringing, all the losses in my life. Maybe being just a little tormented is my coping mechanism for the harsher realities of life. Who's to say.

I don't know why I'm getting so deep on this thing. Maybe it's because I haven't updated it in so long that I feel like I need to make up for lost time, like I need to write something meaningful, because who knows when I'll write in here again. Another year? A few years? In all honesty, I'm just trying to make it. I'm not struggling, I'm knowing exactly who I am while discovering new, shiny facets only created by time and experience. The same goes for the people and situations around me. I haven't figured out everything or anyone yet, and I probably never will, but at least those gears in my head are turning, wondering, thinking. At least I have that going for me.

11:26 p.m. - 2010-09-16
I will return again, when it gets dark and the day is done...
I'm at peace. Peaceful and exhausted.

Grampa passed last week. He declined all the way up to his 82nd birthday and died the Monday after. Since that day, I have felt...peaceful, more sure of the world, and closer to my family.

So, everyone is saying that i've become the Golden Child. The Golden Child, the one who was at Grampa's bedside the moment he passed. I'm not sure why it was me, other than I knew that day, while driving to his house, that I needed to be alone with him and say what I knew he needed to hear: That it was okay to go.

This wasn't anything new. All of his kids, my aunts and uncles, had been saying it to him for days, never leaving his bedside, waiting and waiting for him to pass. It was only after they all left to go to the store, the one and only time all of them decided to leave his side, did he even have a chance to pass on.

So, I stayed in the room with him. Staring at him, small, frail, unconscious in bed. Whispering to him how much I love him, how it was okay to leave. It was okay to go and be with grandma. I told him that if he was ever going to pass in peace, that this would be the time to do it, while quiet and no one else at bedside. I promised him that we would all be okay if he left, I promised him we would all take care of each other. I held his hand, watched him breathe shallower and quieter. I closed my eyes and asked my Mom to come meet him, to tell him it's okay to go with her.

And, 5 minutes later, his breathing slowly faded until I couldn't see his chest rise up or down anymore. I sat there, silently, until I could not see anything. I saw his eyes close slightly. I saw him leave this earth, alone. It was the most precious moment I've ever had in my life. And, though a couple tears found their way down my cheeks, I was able to breathe.

I don't know why I'm the Golden Child, other than maybe he was comfortable with me there, enough so to let go. Maybe he thought I was the one that would be able to handle it. Maybe I'm just the one that happened to be there at that moment. Maybe I was there in place of my Mother, the one child not present. Maybe my Mom did meet up with him, take his hand, and lead him out of earth and into another existence.

I'm not entirely sure. But, I do recognize the gift that has been given to me, and let me tell you, seeing life and death this way is incredible. I'm forever changed.

7:24 p.m. - 2010-08-11
Because the sky is blue, it makes me cry....
So, now that the pregnancy scare is over.... What, you say? Yeah, first I break up w/ my boyfriend in the beginning of May, then we get back together two weeks later, then he's bipolar again, then I have to suffer a fucking pregnancy scare all alone. Fuck him.

It hurts a lot. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm as strong as I can be. I just can't handle all of the split personalities. It's funny, he's never straight out treated me badly. He's a charmer. Someone who builds you up, says everything you can possibly think of to convince you that you are the one, that he loves you, that you're the love of his life. That he wants you to have your children. He needs you, you're his soulmate, his angel, the one person who he can be himself with. The one person he can be vulnerable in front of without judging. He's never felt love like this before, he's scared, he's amazed. He stares at you in awe because he can see the pure, innocent love in your eyes. You're the perfect girlfriend. He makes love to you, makes you feel like the most important person to him in the world. He makes you feel special.

And, what does he do after he says all of those things to you? He completely turns around, 360, and forgets all of those things, I guess. He takes on another fucking personality and transforms all of those beautiful, meaningful things into lies. A whole year of being together, and he still lies.

So, I made a pact. I made the decision that I would not talk to him anymore. I wouldn't call him, I wouldn't go see him. I would wait until I got the test back. If it's positive, of course, I have to tell him, deal with him, torture, hurt myself because I have to tell him that I'm pregnant & he is far from being the person he promised me he was. If the test was negative, I would continue to not contact him. I would keep myself in check, let the pain and the hurt slowly fade away, find myself somewhere else, a better place.

So it's negative. It's been a week since our last conversation & a week since the pregnancy test. And, it's killing me. Oh well, I need to move on, be with someone who knows me, who won't neglect me..someone who can accept all the love I have given them without sabotaging it because they're mentally sick in the head & can't handle love like mine.

Fuck him. And, fuck me for taking him back the first time. Lesson learned.

I actually feel a little better since writing this. I've only told one or two people about this, because it hurts too much. I have to let go, I have to move on. I can't be with someone so fucked up in the head, even if I know deep down he's good. He's scared, he doesn't know any better. I thought he was the one. Oh well. Life goes on, as do I.

In reality, I'm suffering here.

10:12 p.m. - 2010-05-06
So this is where the engines start...
I can't believe it's already May 2010.

I haven't written in here since June of last year. That is so unlike me. I've noticed that I don't do a lot of the things that I've always done my entire life: painting, writing, photography, going to concerts, etc. I'm not really sure why that is, other that I'm getting older & the responsibilities of an adult are starting to weigh me down.

So a lot has happened since that June 2009 entry. I've found love, I've been working my ass off, I moved in with my sister, and we're closer that we ever have been. I went to the graduations of people I used to diaper & play with, I've turned 28, I've made new friends, reconnected w/ old ones. I've visited family, partied a lot & worked a lot. I've lost my car, lost my love, & had little hardships mixed in with the awesomeness of my life.

My coping mechanisms must have fully developed now because, even though I find myself analyzing the bad things during my quiet little moments, I am actually able to cope with them without damaging my outlook.

You know what all of this boils down to? The fact that I need a serious vacation. None of this 3 days off during the week stuff that I've been doing. I need a full blown 1-2 week long Vacay. If I only had the means to do so.

So, I've lost that love, that's the most recent event in my life. As I look back on our 10 month long relationship, I realize now, a week after breaking up, that he never was someone I could see myself with. He was too needy, to emotionally draining, but still not as nurturing as I would have wanted. We never agreed on anything, he could care less about anything that had to do with me: my likes/dislikes, my family, things that I hold of the upmost importance. Plus, his taste in music sucked balls.

Sure, it still hurts because it's so new, and because you get used to being w/ one person, but I'll eventually get over that. It's the starting over part that's annoying.

Being 28 is weird. By the time my mother was 28, she had moved in w/ my father, gotten pregnant by him, and married him by the end of the year. It just puts things into perspective about how the generations have changed. Most of my friends & cousins my age are starting to think about marriage & children, but they haven't even been close yet. It's just bizarre to think about. Getting older seems scarier, and yet I don't get scared as easily now that I'm older.

9:18 p.m. - 2009-06-14
Though winds of change are blowing wild and free...
So, I've been back in San Diego for the past few weeks now. Even though I enjoyed my time in Seattle, I missed my lovely peeps almost the entire time I was there. Holidays and birthdays were difficult. But, all-in-all, I had a pretty nice experience living there.

Everyone's been asking how it was. How was Seattle? Didn't you like it? In all honesty, I've never really learned how to answer that. Seattle is beautiful, cold, just plain different from San Diego. I wouldn't say culture shock had fully been injected into my consciousness, but it is just not the same. I did like Seattle. I had a job the entire time I lived there. I had my own place. I made new friends. Sometimes I think I just needed a little time to myself. To be alone, live my own life, to be responsible for me and only me. I'm not positive I'd ever had that until I left San Diego. It could have been one of the best decisions I'd ever made to date, if only for that.

I'm not sure if I will ever go back. I joke around with people about living in all kinds of different cities, travel and live like a gypsy, a nomad, and just experience as many places as I can, while I can. I'm not entirely serious, but the idea sounds beautiful. Scary, but not as scary as it was when I did it for the first time.

Ever since I've been back to San Diego, I've noticed something different about myself. I feel more relaxed. I feel smarter. Happier. Less stressed. I don't sweat the small stuff. I know what's important. I don't know what it is exactly, but I smile more. My friends and family have noticed the same thing. The way I carry myself has changed. The way I see life has changed.

I can't pinpoint when or where this changed has occurred. Maybe it was from my grandma's passing. Or, maybe it was because I was on my own in Seattle, and I had to be a certain way. Maybe, I'm just growing up. I'm mentally/emotionally in a place that I can actually tolerate. Not much can hurt me, or depress me, or piss me the fuck off as easily as before.

And, it feels nice.

10:29 p.m. - 2009-03-02
Caught Up In You....
Sorry I forgot about you. I've been busy with you I haven't had much time for anything except living and supporting myself, and traveling, and meeting new people. I'm no longer in San Diego, I'm not even in the state anymore. I'm living in a city that I've always wanted to live in. And, so far, it's pretty cool.

My birthday is in about an hour and half. 27. A couple of years ago, I couldn't even imagine being 27, for some reason. Though I am in Seattle, I do wish I was back home for my birthday, so I can share it with the people I care about most. I know I'm supposed to fly back down to AZ to celebrate Tara's birthday in the middle of the month, but it's just not the same. That's okay, though, I'll be here celebrating with a few people in the meantime.

I feel like I'm not that great at writing in my journals anymore. I don't know if I've just run out of things to say, if I just really don't have time to put down in words what's going on with me, or if I've just outgrown it entirely. It doesn't matter, really, I know that when I really, really want to write, that I will, even if it's been months or years since my previous entry. Still, it makes me wonder. This journal has been going on for almost 6 years. That's a fucking long time for a journal, if you ask me. If this was paper, I'd be on like my 6th journal.

Currently, I am sick. That's right, crappy head cold for my birthday. Of course, this won't stop me from celebrating, by any means, but it's been awhile since I've been sick, and it sucks.

I had a dream last night that the whole state of California went bankrupt. It's probably because I was reading an article about the city of Vallejo in CA that went bankrupt, but still, it scared the shit out of me. I know CA's economy isn't so hot, and I guess it's cool that I got out of the state when I did, even if WA's economy isn't that great either.

I just did my taxes yesterday...Did you?

I will somehow manage to take my birthday shots in addition to my cough drops and hot tea.

2:43 a.m. - 2008-09-01
Before you come undone...
I'm starting to suck at keeping a journal.

Again with the late hours, hence the late-hour journal entry.

So, I've been getting high lately...for the past couple weeks. Actually, I'm high right now, typing a journal entry away. I don't usually get high on a normal basis, but I've been using it for sleep. That sounds pretty bad, that I have to fucking get high to go to sleep @ a decent hour. And, by decent hour, I mean 3-4am-ish. Normal people take tylenol PM or Lunestra or whatever the hell it's called on the commercial. But, I don't. No meds for me, thanks.

So, I come home, change, turn on the TV on whatever comes on DirecTV @ 1am, and I smoke. I even sleep much deeper sleeps, and I don't wake up as much during the night.

Some people become hilarious when they're high. They're a regular bag-o-fun. Others are totally chill and quiet, so much that you have to keep looking over to see if they passed out or not. And, then there's people who start analyzing everything and getting into deep/philosophical mode. I'm 90% sure I'm the last one in most cases.

Well, tonight's the last night being high for awhile. I'll be leaving soon.

12:34 p.m. - 2008-06-15
Warm Me Up...
Wow, 3 months since my last entry. That's pretty fucking long.

So, what has consumed me enough to keep me from writing in my journal for 3 months? Not much. Work, that's one. Being tired all the time. That's another. Wanting to chill and not be on the computer all the time, because I'm on the computer all the time at work, that'll do it.

I guess it's officially summer. Tre's out of school, he'll be in 6th grade. What the fuck? Mariah will be a SENIOR. I'll say it again, a SENIOR. It makes me feel so old. My baby a senior? My other baby almost in Jr high? What kind of nonsense is this?

Mariah put together a whole talent show for her 11th grade project, with proceeds going to Children's hospital. I mean, what kind of 16 yr old does that? She's amazing, and I'm so proud of the stuff she does. She's just like her mom, always busy, always on the go, always trying to make a difference. We talked last week about what she wants to do with her life. She doesn't know, and I told her she doesn't have to know yet, but feels like she's being pressured. I told her she can do or not do whatever she wants, as long as SHE wants it. I don't know if that's the right thing to say, but oh well. It's true, though.

I'm moving to Seattle in August. It's kinda scary, thinking about it. I'm excited, sure, but I worry a lot. Auntie Chrissy thinks I should just go there with nothing and start from scratch. That's kinda scary in itself. No furniture? What kind of idea is that? Eh, that's probably what I'll end up doing, anyway. It's cheaper. It's funny to hear which people think you should go and which ones encourage you. My oldest aunts says no, because I'll be away from family. The youngest wants me to have an adventure. Katrina thinks I won't do it, Nick wants to move with me. Spam...I honestly don't know what Spam thinks. She's sad that I'm moving, but, that's about it. I think I'm gonna try to sell some of my stuff before I leave, just so I don't have to worry about taking or leaving crap.

Today is Father's Day, and Thursday was my mom's anniversary of death. 13 years. Before either one of those days, I decided I was going to make an oldies CD to listen to in the car for my drives to work and back. I ended up with two dozen songs that remind me of my mom and dad, their favorite songs, songs I remember from my childhood. So, I'm listening to all of these songs and reminiscing, and realize what day it is, and what day is coming up, and I get all teary eyed. I don't usually get all teary eyed, but when you have a soundtrack like that playing in the car as you're thinking about certain things, it definitely has it's influences. See, that's why I'm in love with music. It's got that way of reminding you of people, places, things, events, times you didn't think about until you heard that song and you're right back to that time. And, then I went and visited Spam the other day and gave it to her, because she loves that shit.

I think I'm gonna request a weekend off, because I haven't had one in 8 months.

4:18 p.m. - 2008-03-13
If you would meet me halfway....

I'm not one who gets lonely often. I don't really know what that concept is. I'm usually always surrounded by people I care about, and I'm lucky that way. I know you don't have to be physically alone to feel lonely, but either way it's just rare for me as long as I'm not depressed.

On that note, I'm lonely, heh. I don't know if it's just a mood I'm in, or if it's a result of my working hours where I don't see or hear from anyone, or if it's just some shit people go through once in awhile, and it just happens to be my time to be lonely. It's probably a mixture of all of those things. Whatever it is, it sucks. =)

I'm not sad by any means. I'm not mad, I'm not depressed, I'm not hurt, I'm not discontent or numb or being negative or any of those other things. I'm just lonely. What do you do when you're lonely? I fear I'll start getting depressed again, but I don't feel like I am or will be. I'm just craving something, and I'm not even sure what that something is. I want something!!! I want it! What? What do I want? Sounds dumb, huh?

I'm definitely the type of person to pick up projects to keep busy. Granted, I pick them also because I'm interested and I love learning and I want to accomplish something cool and fun, but at the same time, I know myself well enough that a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm by myself and I want to keep busy. But, even know, keeping busy doesn't seem to be enough. Maybe I'm craving physical contact. Or, just a friend that's around that I don't have to text or call at late-night hours, knowing full well they won't answer because they're either working or sleeping when I'm awake.

I'm so good at being happy and friendly and joking around and being as close as you can with someone and not actually "getting there" and keeping a little distance left. I'm not talking about just romantically, I mean in general. Maybe I'm just getting older. Maybe it's getting boring and, yes, I'll say it, it's getting lonely. I want to talk to someone. And, no, not shoot-the-shit talking like I know everyone is pretty good at. I want to TALK to someone, someone whom I feel could understand what the hell I'm talking about. I don't crave that often, but, once in a great while. That's not that much.

I dunno, I just don't like bothering people, anyway. Why should I bother people when I'm the one who's lonely? I'm sure they've got other shit to do. No need to be a burden, which is funny, because I doubt anyone I care about could ever be a burden to me. But, not everyone is like me, I just don't want to assume. So, I leave them alone.

I think I'm a pretty good friend. I think I'm a good girlfriend. I think I take care of the people I care about. I'm sure the loneliness will pass, eventually.

God, I AM lonely. This whole thing just sounds like I need a boyfriend. Even the song lyrics reek of it. I'm such a sucker. Forget this whole entry.

1:51 p.m. - 2008-01-17
I'm a winner at a losing game...
I've had a migraine for the past 3 days. I never get migraines, so I don't know what to make of it. Maybe I just need a break. Maybe I'm letting my demons get the best of me. Maybe I just need to eat more. Maybe I worry too much.

I drank more last night than I have in a long time. I just wanted to sleep! I couldn't keep still, I was swaying. I was stumbling around the fucked up house, because they're redoing the floors and everything is out of place. I think I even cooked like grilled cheese last night, though that memory is very vague. Don't cook while drunk, it's a hazard. Don't do it.

It's funny how people don't understand the person you are, or you don't think they want to. Maybe that's the reason people are guarded the way they are. People at work have this vision of me as this outgoing, sweet, funny, laid-back people-person. Yes, I can be all of those things, but it's funny how someone can describe you as those, and you don't see it in yourself one bit.

I strive to be those things, I think I am naturally that way on my own terms. But, I also know I will always be that person that will never let a part of them be seen. I don't know why I'm like that. I hold close to that part of me, and few people in this world have gotten it out of me.

I've also been striving to not be so guarded w/ my feelings. I'm the most laid-back person I can possibly be. I'm that way, because I want people to be happy. It's funny to me, to be so laid-back, but at the same time, never voicing what I really want, because I want to be laid-back.

To someone who really knows me, I mean, REALLY knows me, knows that I care and love unconditionally. You could be the biggest asshole in the world, and somewhere in there, I'm going to believe in you. I will chalk up wrongdoings and hurtful words (or silence, even) to something else entirely. Is this weakness? I don't feel like it is. It could be 20 years before I talk to someone again, and, I'll still be cool with you, because I have that love inside me. It's a blessing, but damn, sometimes it's a curse.

I have no clue what I'm talking about right now, I'm pretty sure this isn't making sense all typed up. But, I swear, it makes sense in my head when I'm thinking it.

1:09 a.m. - 2008-01-04
I know this room and I've walked this floor...
I do realize that my life has been surrounded only by work and not sleeping lately. I have people constantly begging me to take time off, to call in sick, to chill a little. And, that's really complimentary and all, because I love spending time w/ my people, and I constantly feel guilty for not having the time to do such things, but I feel like I've gotta keep going right now.

Sure, I'm a workaholic. There, I've said it. I never have time to do anything fun. Once in awhile, I'll go out and do something, but with working so much, time off is precious, and I need rest. To other people that want to hang out with me, it sorta sucks. I get that. I miss spending time w/ the people I care about a lot. A LOT - a lot. But, a lot of people don't understand how I was before this job, though. Most don't, really, besides family and a select few others. If they only knew the person I was before this job, they'd understand why I work so much.

I don't want to feel guilty everytime someone's in town and I can't hang. It kills me to not be able to do stuff with them. Sure, it'd be lovely, but...I've gotta work. I've been working since I was 16, and I've never called in sick a day in my life. I also know there are people who are just looking out for me, because I do need rest, especially since my sleeping pattern is all fucked up. I like that people care about whether I'm gonna get burnt out or not. I'm just too determined right now. I'll get the balance right, eventually.

The honest-to-god truth is, if I had so much time on my hands w/out working now, I wouldn't know what to do. I'd gone through being idle for a long time before this, and I hated myself. I tortured my body for over a year, I cried all the time, I might as well have been dead, and for a long time, in a sense of the word, I was. People don't realize that, and I won't dare let them, because dwelling on it hurts. So, I keep busy. Plus, the money's damn good.

I'm not saying not working was the only thing missing that caused me to be that way (there's a lot of stuff that I don't even want to think about) but it was part of it.

So yeah, fuckin ay, I'm working.

12:59 a.m. - 2007-12-18
I want...
I want her to remember me.
I want her to recognize my face. Or, anybody else's face in the family.
I want her to sit up in bed.
I want her to be strong enough to walk.
I want her to stop losing weight so she doesn't look so fragile.
I want her to be young again.
I want her to stop repeating herself every two seconds.
I want her to not be scared.
I want her to be pain-free.
I want her to know our names.
I want to carry a conversation with her.
I want to stop hurting everytime I see her laying there, because it reminds me so much of my mom dying.
I want to stop time.
I want to take her to bingo.
I want her to be able to use the bathroom alone, in peace.
I want her to be able to bathe on her own.
I want to heal her bruises, scratches, injuries.
I don't want her to fall anymore.
I want the family to visit her more often.
I want my grandpa to not have to be so stressed out and frustrated.
I want him to stop being in denial.
I want to hear her play the piano again.
I want to understand her.
I want to stop worrying.
I want her to remember my mother.
I want her to know I love her.
I want her to remember.

Too close to that time.

I want all of us to be okay with this, even though I don't think we will be.

12:42 a.m. - 2007-11-13
Big Empty...
Hmm. I think it's about time to move soon. I have the money, I'd have to make the time, though, because I'm officially a fucking workaholic. It sucks. It feels crowded here, even if I always talk about how I feel like I live alone because of my fucked up hours. I dunno, I'm itching for a change, I suppose.

I really want to live closer to work. The commute right now isn't REALLY that bad, but it could be better. I'm not sure if I should just get my own apartment and live alone for awhile, or if I should have a roommate. If I do have a roommate, I'd only want Because right now, I have 7 and a dog. The sad part would be leaving Presley here. Hopefully someone will give that doggie some love, because I feel like I'm the only one that does. Sad.

I keep searching for apartments/roommates during my downtime at work. I already have like 3 people offering to be roommates. One is a couple at work, and I dunno if I want to live w/ a couple, even though they are really cool. I guess it'll come down to location and how cool the roommate is. I dunno, I'm a pretty chill roommate, plus no one would ever see me except on days off. All of the offers are decent, and it's pretty much the same as what I pay now, so that's cool. I wouldn't have to drive as far. I could go to the beach whenever the fuck I felt like it.

I'll probably end up going to AZ after thanksgiving. Katrina's dying for me to go there. I still want to drive to SF, even if it's alone. I haven't been there in awhile, and I want to visit my parents, the only difference being, I'd have a place to stay in AZ, whereas in SF, I'd have to find my own. It's not really that big a deal, though either way. I do miss my buddies, though. We'll see. I'm so indecisive.

I feel like this is a cold entry. Mmm, maybe not cold, just not a lot of feeling like my normal entries. I think I'm just tired. I'm gonna go have a drink now...

2:00 a.m. - 2007-10-18
What's mine is yours to leave or take...
So, I've been taking drives at night/early morning lately because it's hard for me to go to sleep. I'll start driving home from work a little past midnight, and then I'll park the car in the driveway and open the front door and put my purse down and...and, then I pick my purse back up, rummage for my keys, and walk out the door to my car again because I don't want to be home alone and awake.

So I drive. Where do I drive? I have no fucking clue. Sometimes, I'll stop by the store and pick up miscellaneous things that I don't even need, because I'm bored. Tonight, I picked up a bottle of ginseng (because I was out), a pack of orbit gum, some scotch tape, and some lip gloss. What the fuck...And, then I'll start driving home again, because I've got nothing else to do.

I do think about driving to the beach once in awhile, just to clear my mind like I used to, but the beach is too fucking far sometimes. I don't feel like going over the Coronado Bridge, and Mt. Soledad closes their gates kinda early, I think. So, I just keep driving. Oh well.

I love driving alone, though. It's soothing. It keeps me sane. If the right song is on, it keeps me in a trance, depending on what the song is and how I'm feeling at that moment. It's relaxing. I start thinking about everything (like I would do if I was in bed, lying awake staring at the ceiling) only I'm driving. Of course, you have to be careful of that. I can't remember how many times I've missed my offramp or exit because I was in "the zone."

I've been drinking a lot more, too. Well, not A LOT - a lot, but, more frequently. I haven't had a drink in a week, though. Nevermind, I'm normal. Why am I talking about drinking right after going on about driving? No, I don't drink & drive. They should be separate. Get a designated driver. That's safe. This is the stupidest entry to date.

But, I did just buy a new camera. There's always a silver lining, huh?

11:01 p.m. - 2007-09-24
So, it's official. Grandma is going to be admitted into hospice. I want to cry.

Grandma has been going downhill. This isn't anything new. I've been dreading this moment for awhile, as has everybody else, though me and Auntie Chrissy are the only ones who really understand, because we're surrounded with this every day. I'm saying it right now, it sucks. There's a family meeting tomorrow answering questions about hospice and such.

A lot of people don't really understand what hospice is, or how one qualifies for it. You have to be someone who has 6 months or less left to live. That shit alone puts things into perspective, doesn't it?

I visited my grandparents last Friday afternoon at the new assisted living facility. As soon as I walked in, I immediately became depressed. Not because the place itself is depressing, but neither one of them seems to be okay anymore. Grandma had tears in her eyes when she saw me. I've never seen her so unhappy since my mom died.

What's worse is that they're living in this assisted living place, and my grandfather won't even take the fucking assistance they're offering. I mean, I understand he's too proud and what-not, but fuck, that's what they're paid to do. What's the point of them living there if he's just going to refuse and turn them away? My grandma needs help, man.

Grandma always whispers about how grandpa doesn't believe her about everything. Okay, she has dementia, but it's to the point where she doesn't want to be anywhere near my grandfather. I feel like he's oblivious to what is really going on. He's in denial, and I'm sure there's an ounce or two of truth to my grandma's pleas.

My head hurts.

1:01 a.m. - 2007-09-19
These twists and turns of fate..
Time falls away...But these small hours still remain.

A journal. Why do we have journals? I was thinking about this earlier. It's good to just let yourself go, writing whatever the fuck you want in a journal. Every moment of joy, pain, feeling, every secret, any and every event that you think could shape you. Analyzations, any angry thoughts, memories.

And, then I think about how putting them into words just doesn't do any of it justice. You're in love, so you write about how much you're in love. The feelings you get from it, jotting down detail after detail, physical attributes, heartfelt confessions, soulfully and explicitly describing how you feel in your heart and soul. But in reality, nothing you come up with is ever going to suffice a feeling like that. How do you write about such a immense feeling like love?

Or, even better, loss. You can dig as deep as you can within yourself to put down in words how much you hurt about something or other, the physical and mental anguish, the sadness or anger that you think will never subside; it could feel like you're literally fucking dying, but there's nothing in this world that's really going to describe something like that.

Not saying that a journal or writing, for that matter, doesn't work. I think I would absolutely burst if I couldn't write about how I feel sometimes. I was just thinking. Yes, I should stop thinking. And, possibly stop writing in my journal while drinking. I'm an idiot.

12:29 a.m. - 2007-08-13
My mama was the wind, and my daddy was the train...
I'm tired. Very, very very tired. And yet, I'm sitting here in the dark, just coming off a 12 hour shift, trying to survive this sinus infection that sucks balls, writing in my journal. Yes, that's how I roll....And, let me tell you, doing a 12 hour shift while sick is the most bullshit thing ever. Fuck that. But, at least I have the next 4 days off to rest.

Things have been really stressful lately. Chris has been on disability for awhile, because of the cyst in his brain. Neurologists and trips to the hospital galore. Finally, it looks as though it has disappeared, and he'll be going back to work this week.

Our family had a meeting this morning regarding Grandma. So..yeah, she's not doing so good. I mean, she's not doing horrible, she's old, but...My grandpa needs some serious help now. So, my aunt initiated a family meeting to convince my grandfather to take some help in caring for grandma. His pride is just so strong, that he's denied the much needed aid we've been trying to get him to take up until now. And, since I'm basically in this business (without actually being in the business), I know what it entails.

So, this guy called in tonight at work. He sounded so young. He was having a hard time, so we sent a nurse out there. So, I look to see how old he is in his chart, and he's 31, dying of AIDS in a facility. It broke my heart, for him to call into our service by himself, trying to explain why he was in such excruciating pain, without family there.

I teared up for a sec, thinking to myself "yeah...I'm definitely not cut out for hospital stuff." I'm still not sure how I got into this industry, granted it's the tail-end and it is mostly administrative, but...just listening to people call in, crying because their loved one has passed, and them being so grateful because you're comforting them and trying to help them as best as you can....It's some crazy shit. I think this is the first time I've really talked about what I do. Hmm, that should tell you something.

These next two weeks, I've got a lot of time off, mainly because I'm going to visit the Arizona people. I need a break, sorta, even if this is still new. I've been planning this for awhile, so...yeah, I guess I'm going. It's hot as fuck in Arizona though, dude...I'm already fucking dark.

To end on a happy note, I did manage to attend Angel's baby shower before work yesterday, so I got to see the family, and Tri-Tri, Tariffany, and Jason were there too. I walked in, and everyone lit up. It was sweet. They kept staring at my chest, not because of my boobs, but because they kept wanting to grab my collarbone. WTF. Yeah, apparently some people measure skinniness by how far your collarbone sticks out, and apparently I'm good to go. WTF. They are so weird.

I'm gonna take some nyquil now...and spray some nasal spray...and pretend to go to sleep.

1:58 p.m. - 2007-06-30
Take it away, I never had it anyway...
"Opportunistic affection swaying thoughts and selections. Destined dreams gone to the light, pursuing hopes only illuminated at night. Spiritual entities aligned with those damned catastrophies, never knowing what anything really means. Those beautiful lips, those forbidden trysts, overriding the need for slit wrists and my own closed fists. But there's the emptiness. No one forgets the emptiness. No one's immune to the emptiness. Fill me up like the water I've refused to drink, replenish the life I've refused to seek, give me something, anything..."

Woah, okay, stop that before I do something stupid. From all that I wrote just now, it's nice to know I'm not out of my mind. Ironic that I just had this deep conversation about love and life with someone the other night, and I felt like they got and understood the jist of what I was trying to say. I never believed everything I've felt and known in my heart as much as I did that night. It wasn't so much a relevation, as it was the acknowledgement of myself that I know what I feel, and that can't ever be wrong. And now, it's like it's come back to bite me in the ass. Sure, I still believe it, but man, talk about testing your faith.

I've honestly never felt so dead inside as I do now.

12:58 p.m. - 2007-06-25
Like a lighthouse needs a coast...
Like the father and the son need the Holy Ghost. I need you..

Sooo...Usually I write in this journal at night, when my mind is more analytical and thoughtful, but since I'm working nights, I don't know when the next night will be that I can write an entry....Not that I've been writing so many entries now, but that's okay. As long as I'm keeping this alive, it'll keep ME alive.

The family had a scare yesterday afternoon. Chris was on the brink of a seizure yesterday afternoon, and Amy, after threatening to call 911, convinced him to go to the hospital. It turns out he has a cyst/tumor in his brain...Of course, hearing that, it sounds every bit as scary as something like that could sound. The neurologist was trying to determine through MRI's if emergency brain surgery was necessary. After staying at the hospital all day yesterday, I think he's gonna be okay. Still, it's a frightening thing to find out.

All week, I've been trying to keep my body awake, since it's been so used to going to sleep at a decent hour for more than a year. Unfortunately, I can't get past 3am. Remember the days where I'd stay up until sunlight? I'd go to sleep just as Mariah was getting up for school. It was amusing. Hopefully, my hours will start to be more in the 4pm-12am category rather than till 8am.

I feel like everything is coming together, but I still have this sadness in my heart. What the sadness is, I couldn't tell you. I don't know why. I feel like God keeps sending me signs and messages about different things, but I keep ignoring them. And, you know how that is, the more you ignore the signs, the more persistent and regular the signs become. It's dumb. Just give me the sadness, and I'll be on my way, thanks.

I went to visit Karly for a few moments last week, before this whole Chris tragedy happened. I walked in there in search of the little girl, and she saw me and just stood there while I had my arms open and smiled at her. She just stared at me like she didn't know me. Of course, I was surprised by this, and I said "Karly!!! Come here!", and as soon as she heard my voice, she started smiling and giggling and screaming "Sanrah! Sanrah!"

I didn't know what to make of it. My heart was broken for a second. It's only been a little over a month, I didn't think she'd forget me already. But, Amy convinced me she didn't recognize me until she heard my voice because I look different. Amy herself admitted that when I walked in, she didn't recognize me for a split second, and since she doesn't live with me, she doesn't see me as often, and I guess I look different. This has been a running theme for the past 6 months.

I don't know how much more coffee I can drink.

12:42 a.m. - 2007-05-21
Unbroken Ground...
Life is about change. That's what everyone says, anyway. That doesn't mean it's easy, but it is definitely a constant we all must live with/endure/embrace/accept/welcome.

Let's see. Chris, Amy, and Karly are out of the house (and not because they found a place to move to.) Yeah, just another one of those drama things that I'm glad I'm not a part of. If you let go of the drama, it's so much easier to care, but be neutral, and go with the flow. So, they're out, the house is so much quieter, and it's only been 12 hours.

Amy had another miscarriage the end of last month. I figure it's either because it's not meant to be, or her body just can't take another pregnancy (she's had at least 10 pregnancies in her 30 years of life, 4 she gave birth to, 3 she miscarried, 3 she aborted.) Maybe it's both. I feel bad for Amy and Chris both.

I got a car. Nothing spectacular, but not shitty, either. I've driven to my favorite beach, driven to Zimbabwe to see Spam, drove to spend time with the Nickster, given people rides, and took a drive alone like I used to...just to drive and think and contemplate and listen to music and zone out. Everyone keeps calling or texting me, telling me I need to go to Arizona to see the peeps. Annoying, but sweet.

Spam is moving into a new house with her boy and a couple roommates up north. She's been fixing up the place for awhile now, putting in new floors, painting all the rooms, doing the bathroom tile stuff, etc. I went over there yesterday and helped paint for awhile, talking shit to my sister like old times. It's funny, I reminded her how high maintenance and prissy she used to be, how a year or two ago, she would never imagine herself doing the things she's doing, getting dirty, fixing up her own place, not caring about what she looks like and such. She's definitely not the same person. And yet, she is. Weird.

And finally, Mariah's friend just had a baby today. Age? 14. It was surreal, watching Mariah in the waiting room, waiting for her best friend to give birth. It still startles me, to see a girl get pregnant at 13, give birth at 14, being a child having a child. So much of her life is over, and there's still so much to come for her. Scary.

Yeah, what a week. Looking back on it will be interesting.

12:25 a.m. - 2007-04-27
You got to promise not to stop when I say When...
So, I was listening to a conversation Mariah was having with her mom, and she mentions the fact that she doesn't believe in God. Of course, this sets my aunt off course, thinking she hasn't done a good enough job in teaching Riah about faith and what-not.

Curiously, I just asked her how she came to the decision that God doesn't exist, and I continued to ask her simple questions about her opinion, just so I could get a little understanding about her reasoning without being biased about it. It was interesting, listening to her contemplate (or, in her case, not wanting to contemplate) about having faith and love and believing, and how they all could or could not relate in subject.

Her mom was sort of disappointed, but I just figured she's just being skeptical, which is healthy. When I was 15, I didn't know anything about faith, really, which I contribute to certain traumatizing, life changing events. I just went along with whatever my grandfather or aunt wanted me to do, even if I wasn't exactly sure what the reasons were for doing it. In the end, I adopted and understood specific spiritual aspects along the way, and even now, 10 years later, and 10 years older than Mariah, I still wonder. But, I'm more sure of what I believe in and what my faith really encompasses.

It's just a slow, aging, life lesson that evolves throughout your life. Maybe 10 years from now I'll think differently, who knows. Probably not the jist of what I truly know in my deepest of hearts, but, you never know.

10:52 p.m. - 2007-04-14
Dare you to pick yourself up off the floor...
Always the listener, never the listenee. Is that even a word? Who the hell cares.

Well, I don't want to be the listener anymore. People always tell me their secrets that I'm not supposed to tell anyone, and though I never say anything to anybody, I still hate doing that. Why am I the one that has to be put in that position?

I guess I could look at it as a compliment, people trusting me enough to tell me the things they don't want anyone else to know (yet), but I still hate the position I'm always put in, and now I have to go and confess them on this damn journal because I know no one really reads this shit, at least no one in this little circle we call family. I don't know why I even write it here, it's not like it makes me feel any better.

Amy is pregnant again. Why she told me, I have no clue. No, I do have a clue. She thinks of me as one of her best friends, and she tells me that all the time. What sucks is, I don't know if I consider her a best friend at all. I do consider her a friend, sure, but, one that I can take in small doses, one that I can hang and drink with, but best friend? Eh no. That sounds sad and mean, and I'm not one for the meanness, but I just don't feel it. Apparently, I'm the only other person to know besides Chris and Chris' mom.What's funny is, I knew Amy was pregnant before Amy even knew. She just found out yesterday, but I could just tell, I don't know how, but I just did...for a couple weeks now. Maybe it's just that intuitive thing, but yeah...weird. I was just hoping my feeling was wrong.

It seems like they're happy, which is a good thing, but the whole Amy&ChrisCouple deal is STILL uncomfortable to me. That's horrible, right? I'm still not comfortable with it? And I feel bad because I'm not that happy. It's almost like they've been trying to get pregnant, and Amy isn't even divorced from her husband yet. They've been together 5 months, and she's already gotten pregnant twice? I don't know. I mean, it's not something I worry about, but I do worry about the drama that somehow seems to ensue around Amy and Chris, and this will just be the biggest issue of them all, not for me, because I don't give a fuck about anyone right now, but I'm tired of the drama, especially from other family members. I wish I didn't know this piece of news at all.

Another secret? Jasmine has been sent to some teen home, because she's been outrageous in Arizona. Hardcore drinking, hardcore drugs, fucking random guys, she's cutting herself, and she's only in the 9th grade. Her new boyfriend hates her stepfather, Darin, the one man in Jasmine's life that has been her constant, her real FATHER since she was a toddler. And now she practically spits in his face because of all the nasty things her piece-of-shit of a boyfriend has been putting into her head. Jasmine was even caught with two guys in some motor home the last time they went to the desert. What is that girl doing besides hating herself? She needs help.

And of course, I'm the only one to know this besides Katrina and Tara because Angie is so embarassed and doesn't really know what to do about her daughter. And of course again, this only makes me wonder about Mariah. I know they're two separate people, and I trust Mariah more than I trusted Spam when she was that age, but it just makes you wonder. Mariah reminds me of me when I was 15. No, Mariah is more of a good girl than I was at 15, but it's pretty damn close. Who knows, though? I mean, who REALLY knows?

This is just two secrets, imagine all the shit on my conscience that people have told me and said "don't tell anybody, but..." What do I have to do, seclude myself and not talk to anybody?

7:43 p.m. - 2007-04-08
Lost In The Moment...
Colby died last Monday. A truck crashed into him on his motorcycle on the freeway in Washington. He was my age, left his wife and baby. It was all anyone could talk about this past week. He was one of the good ones. It's weird, you know? To be living and happy and have your life ahead of you one moment, and then all of a sudden, it's over. No goodbyes. No last conversations with your loved ones. No last embraces with your family, your wife, your baby. No time whatsoever. At the same time, I know he's okay. I don't worry about Colby, just the people who loved him whom he left behind. I don't want to think or talk about it too much right now. So, I pray.

"Always give everyone you love, all the love you can give. "

Dreams. I've been having a lot of them. I did have a dream about my mom the day before her birthday, as I had expected. The only problem is, did I dream about her because I was supposed to dream about her, or was it because I was expecting to, and it was already on my mind? I dunno, something to think about.

I've been having a lot of "pretty" dreams, which to me means dreaming about stuff that I find really beautiful, i.e. water, mtns, rain, snow, etc. Fuck it, I'll just list them here for future reference.

Snow: inhibitions, repressed/unexpressed emotions and feelings of frigidity. You need to release and express these emotions and inhibitions. You may also be feeling indifferent, alone and neglected.

Lake: To see a lake in your dream, signifies your emotional state of mind. If the lake is clear and calm, then it symbolizes your inner peace.

Mountains: To see mountains in your dream, signifies many major obstacles and challenges that you have to overcome. Alternatively, mountains denotes a higher realm of consciousness, knowledge, and spiritual truth.

Flowers: To see colorful flowers in your dream, signifies kindness, compassion, gentleness, pleasure, beauty, and gain. It is also symbolic of perfection and spirituality.

Stairs: To dream that you are walking up a flight of stairs, indicates that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual/emotional/material journey.

Candy: To see or eat candy in your dream, symbolizes the joys and special treats in life. It also represents indulgence, sensuality and/or forbidden pleasure.

Jacket Zipper: To see a broken or stuck zipper in your dream, signifies your frustration in not being able to resolve a situation or problem.

Rain: To dream that you are watching the rain from a window, indicates that spiritual ideas and insights are being brought to you awareness. It may also symbolize fortune and love.

I guess these are a good jumping off point.

11:16 p.m. - 2007-03-20
I've got one last chance to get myself together...
How do you get to the turning point in your life in which you unconsciously decide to Check Out? What is the definition of "checking out" of one's life, anyway? I don't think it means wanting to end your life, and I don't feel like it means you absolutely don't care about anything anymore. Is it confusion or just low self-esteem? What makes someone believe that there's nothing else you can do or say or think or feel to make anything better?

It JUST started raining right now. Is that a sign, or just our extended winter weather forecast?

Can you feel hopeless but still hopeful in your heart at the same time? Is it possible to just give up and be done with everything, but deep down never be able to give up completely? Is that where faith comes into play? Do alcohol and drugs and all other sorts of addictions start because someone just gives up, just throws away any type of positive thinking, and just lives day by day, never putting effort or faith into anything or anyone, therefore drowning themselves in superficial substances to take away the pain or to prevent themselves from actual thinking?

I know I'm just babbling on here, but sometimes I wonder about this. It's shit like this that makes me want to get my psychology degree.

Spam called me today about her sociology class, which is cute because I took the exact same course in college. We ended up debating about some subjects that they're discussing in her class. The problem is, Spam can't effectually debate for the life of her. She can't "argue" about stuff without getting heated and passionate about the subject, which I love, by the way, but it just made me laugh. I wasn't even debating with her, just mentioning some facts and trying to get her to understand the other side. I didn't even give her my own opinion about them. I dunno, it was funny, Spam trying to be all intellectual. I love that girl.

I wish it would rain more often.

This is the most confusing entry I've written in a long time.

9:33 p.m. - 2007-03-04
Hold onto your love, it might not be coming back...
I love that song. Seriously.

Yesterday was my 25th birthday. At first, I was kinda annoyed that I was 25, and felt really old at midnight as I took my first birthday shot of the day. 25 is still a baby, they're saying. I'm not buying it. I feel like I'm barely 21. Nonetheless, it was one of the best birthdays I've had in a few years. Who would have known that could've happened? I don't know how I functioned throughout the day. I was motherfuckin' fucked up for half of it. Don't worry, I'm not complaining.

The get-together with 30+ people was decent. Good size house for a good amount of people, without it getting annoying. I had a good time, mainly because my people are hilarious when they're under the influence. Nick started videotaping much of the debauchery out on the patio. He just set the camera and left it. Yeah, rewinding and watching it the morning after was surreal.

My sister was the best part of the entire day. I missed her a lot, and after she was fucked up, much of her drunk jibber-jabber was about how much she misses, and how she needs to come down more often, because she goes through withdrawals without us. We took shots together, just me and her, throughout the entire night. It's funny, she has a major accent when she's inhebriated, a cross between a southern debutante and a so cal valley girl. How did I miss that?

I ended up not seeing one of those pseudo-psychics, mainly because there wasn't any time. No fretting, though. I can do that whenever. I did, however, get a carton of cigarettes, a new purse, some cash, and a few other substances. All is good.

I am sorta irked that I didn't get to blow out any sort of candle yesterday. I got the song, but no wish. Maybe it's just as well. Maybe wishing isn't the way to go this time around.

We'll see how 25 pans out for me.

7:30 p.m. - 2007-02-21
Can you stand the rain?
After all this time, I'm still having a hard time falling asleep. You'd think I'd get through this stupid insomnia by now. Well, I can't say I'm as bad as I was before. I didn't go to sleep before 6am for a straight year. Nonetheless, I have to force myself to go to sleep, even if it means fighting with my thoughts and depressions in my head while I'm laying there literally telling myself to shut up. Even then, I can't stay asleep for the whole night when I do fall asleep finally. What's wrong with me?

Sam chewed me out a couple times last week for my non-eating habits. This coming from the girl that used to have to get high in order for her to have an appetite.

So anyways, I was watching Silvia Browne for two seconds today on TV, and I thought it would be cool to go to a psychic for my birthday, you know, something to do that might be interesting but that I would never actually pay for, because it's probably bullshit. You never know, though. Even though I'm depressed, I still find myself being spiritual in my own way, maybe more. Of course, I could just be holding onto something that isn't there, but...there's still that "you never know" that I've been saying forever. You just never know...Nothing's predictable. In saying that, what's the point of going to a psychic if I think nothing's predictable? For sheer entertainment, that's what.

Now John Edward, he's the real deal. I would go to his show in a second, though I'd have mixed feelings about being read. On one hand, I'd want to, because that's the curious person that I am, and it interests me, just as going to a psychic on my birthday interests me, but on the other hand, I would get way too emotional if John Edward told me my parents were sending him messages for me.

Maybe that's the type of crap I need, though. My aunt had a co-worker give her a psychic reading and told her I have a black cloud over my head and to watch out for me, because I hold everything inside and put a lot of pressure and worries on my shoulders. I dismissed that info at the time. But then again, I was happier with myself then.

It weird, thinking back at the type of person I was, not even that long ago, maybe a couple years. I feel like I was an entirely different person. I don't recognize that person. I was so much stronger than I am now. I cared more about my life. I was more determined and satisfied with all the little things that made up me. I'm not sure if that was just naiveness or not. Not that I'm completely falling apart right now. I'm just not the same, it's odd. I feel like I'm darker in some ways. Objectively, I don't know if I like that. It all doesn't matter anyway, I have my good days, and I have my bad ones. I'm sure it'll even out later.

Reading back on this entry, what the fuck am I babbling on about?

10:25 a.m. - 2007-02-08
This love is killing me, but you're the only one...
I guess people have been having dreams of me lately, like one after the other, coming up to me or calling that they dreamt about me in some weird way. I don't know why or what they mean, but it's kinda funny, considering I haven't been able to remember my dreams for while now.

I kinda don't want to get into the details of the dreams themselves, but everyone says that I seem happy in them. Katrina and Amy think they're dreaming of me because I look different to them in real life, which is also kinda funny, because you don't really look different to the people you live with, because you see them everyday. Ok, I get it, I look different.

Valentine's Day is coming up, and yeah, everyone knows I can't stand the holiday, even when I'm with someone. This is around the time that I usually go through my whole "Valentine's Day is wack, because when I worked at Hallmark it was horrendous...but I give people valentines anyway" yadda yadda yadda routine. I think Valentine's Day is for the insecure. Think about it. You're insecure because you don't feel loved enough if you don't get something for V-day. And, for the givers, if you don't GIVE something great for V-day, they won't love you, or won't know how much you love them. Well, that's wack.

I gotta find someone that sees eye-to-eye with me on this, because every V-day, one of my peeps is disappointed in some way.

I feel like shit, I should go sleep it off.

3:08 p.m. - 2007-01-28
Use me as you will...Pull my strings just for a thrill...
"When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out
How this world turns cold and breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one"

I haven't written in here in about a month. Not that I have a lot to write about, but I feel guilty for not writing more often.

Anyways, like I mentioned in my myspace blog, I'm not so sure about life. Yes, it has its ups and downs, and that's sposta be normal, but...I'm sort of lost right now. Again, yes, I've been a lost for awhile now, but...I'm really starting to contemplate and wonder about it all.

I feel like life is like a really big maze. Everyone starts off on the same path towards wherever they think they're supposed to go. So, you move forward in this maze, minding your own business, thinking you're going in the right direction, when you hit a dead end. So, what do you do? You turn around and start over again, retracing your steps, trying to find a new path that you hope will eventually bring you to the end. You meet people along the way, wandering through the same maze as you, with the same intentions as you. You can leave them behind to find their own way, or you walk with them and bring them along for the ride. Bad things can happen along the way to try to steer you clear from going the right way, but as the years go by, you learn which paths are the right ones, and which ones are a waste of time. If you're smart and determined enough, you'll keep going until you reach the end, despite anything that happens.

The more I write on and on with this maze analogy, the more I sound like a complete idiot. Oh well.

As the months go by, everyone keeps telling me that I'm looking more and more like Spam, only darker and slightly more exotic, of course. I never thought I looked like her in any way. I guess that's what happens when you don't eat. It's not like I'm trying to not eat, I'm just depressed I guess. And, what sucks is, when people tell me I'm looking good, it does absolutely nothing for me. I wish I could be happy with the changes my body is going through, but it's my emotional changes that has all of my attention right now. For the 500th time today, I need to relax.

Spam and Amy both started college for the first time this semester. I'm happy for them. I'd been trying to get Spam to go back to school forever, and now I feel relieved because she's getting her life in order. I got to spend a short period of time with her last weekend. I miss her terribly.

I want to get over this. Seriously.

6:17 p.m. - 2006-12-28
It just comes natural....
It's funny how I always start this journal with the word 'So'. I'll try not to use it so much this time around.

Christmas 2006 was sweet. I don't mean sweet like...dude..sweet. I mean, sweet as in...aww, that's sweet. All 258 of us went to Auntie Jo's tiny place and had Christmas dinner there. She'd never had Christmas dinner at her place before, so she was really excited and anxious that she pulled it off sort of by herself. Though almost everyone I love was surrounding me on this holiday, I didn't feel much relief or calmness until my sister arrived. I feel like I don't really know her on a daily basis anymore, but as soon as she got there, everything seemed as it was before we went our separate ways. I dunno, it was weird.

Auntie Doris had a little conversation with me at the gathering, and she told me she HAD to tell me about this dream she had about my mom. She had dreamt that her husband had gone to work, and my mom was standing there wearing a really pretty sequined dress. She got into bed with my aunt and just laid with her and cuddled. She told her to keep an eye out for me and Sam. So, she's added us in her "main" prayers everyday. Sweet, right?

Also, Auntie Cerila hugged me for a long time before she left to go home, letting me that "you girls are my daughters." She's so sincere in everything she says and does. It was pretty touching, because I haven't been someone's daughter in a long time. I didn't know what to say, so I just smiled and said 'Thank You', and gave her another really big hug. Sweet too, right?

I may be down on myself 75% of the time at this stage of my life, but I do have a great family.

On another note, I've got so many things to think about for the new year. I would write them down here, but I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions. I'll keep them right here for now.

5:28 p.m. - 2006-12-20
I will lay down my heart, and I'll feel the power...
So, I was reading in my old college psych textbook about depression, and I came across this paragraph about how people who write about the stresses in their lives (i.e. a journal, diary, poetry, etc) are 3x less likely to have ulcers or heart attacks. Interesting. So, I might as well write today.

I'm REALLY feeling the Xmas blues right about now. I'm missing people, I'm missing places, and I'm missing life. This depression business is getting old. So is the drama business in the house. And, yet, none of it is going away anytime soon, as far as I can tell. I want to say that I'm numb, but that would mean that I don't feel. In that case, I'm not numb, because I'm feeling a lot. Maybe I'm feeling too much.

I want to talk to somebody. I guess I kind of feel lonely. I don't know what that would do to help, but it wouldn't hurt in trying, I guess. Katrina is so preoccupied with her brother's relationship, it wouldn't matter what I wanted to get off my chest. I don't ever really see my aunt, except on the weekends, and even that is scarce. Tara is busy with her own household problems with the boyfriend, and Nick is in the same boat as me, the only difference being, he puts in his headphones and zones out everything and everyone. My sister calls sometimes, but we pretty much shoot the shit, unless she's having problems with her boyfriend or his mother.

I know I'm the listener. I get that. I understand what that entails. Once in a great while, I want to be listened to, though. Not often...just once in a great while.

I guess that's what writing in here is for. Why doesn't it seem enough? I dunno, I'm being dumb. I've held this shit in for this long, right? Doesn't matter. It's so much easier getting drunk alone and listening to sad music, anyway. Ok, I'm gonna end this here, because this entry is getting way too depressing even for me.

11:20 a.m. - 2006-12-12
Standing in the mirror, with little black rivers runnin' down her face...
Well, it's that time of year again.

It's funny how I seem semi-normal in my myspace blog, joking about christmas and seeming half excited to start doing all those little Christmas-y things that we always do every year, but honestly, I've never really felt "in the spirit" of the holiday. I like getting the kids excited for Christmas, doing little traditions with them, but..yeah..that's about it. It's okay though, everyone gets the Christmas Blues, I think. When it gets closer to the 25th, I'll settle down some, and I'll enjoy the holiday somewhat.

I think Tri-Tri and Amy are worried about me. I'm not really sure why, because I don't do or say anything out of the ordinary. Tri always asks me if I've eaten today, Amy always wonders what I'm thinking about, and I just don't know what to make of it. It's to the point where it's sort of annoying, but I know they care about me, so I can't really get annoyed. Tri once told me that, even when I seem super happy, I have a "thoughtful sadness" in my eyes. She says my eyes give me away everytime. Maybe that's true? Iowno?

So yeah, my dad's birthday is on the 17th. He would be....this is me counting....54. I wonder what he would look like now. Without a picture to look at, it's hard for me to imagine about what either one of them looked like in my head anymore. Yeah, it's been a long time.

My aunt has a week off from work this week, but I don't think she'll ever slow down to rest during these 7 days. She never does. I think she just uses her paid vacations to catch up on everything she needs to get done. That kinda sucks.

I finished another painting.

11:20 a.m. - 2006-12-05
Some People Aren't Lucky Like Us...
"It's sad to think that some won't find it
And others won't recognize it even when it comes
We're all at the mercy of the will of love"

So...Today's my parent's wedding anniversary....I guess it's a "silver" one, because it would be 25 years. Sometimes I wonder if they'd still be married to one another. I think they would. They were opposites in some ways, but very much alike in others, despite their constant fighting throughout my childhood. Bottom line, they were in love.

Even after my dad died, I wondered if my mom would ever be with another man. Of course, this was before I knew how sick my mom was. She never wanted to be with another guy, but I wonder now if it was because she probably figured she would die sooner than later, or because she couldn't imagine herself with someone else other than my dad. Probably both.

I can't imagine being married to the same person for 25 years. No, I take that back, I can. It just depends on the individual people. There's no way in hell I'm getting married more than once. I WILL NOT be divorced.

On another note, Cerina eloped. I'm happy for her, even if her parents are not. They are very very VERY strict Christian people. It sucks, because her older brother and her older sister were both forced into marriage because of pregnancy and the "abomination" of having children before marriage. But, Cerina just wanted to get married because she's in LOVE. And, they still didn't support her, so she eloped. I think they thought of her as their "last chance" at having the perfect daughter. I'm sure it'll all blow over, but I feel for her.

Wow, an actual pattern in my entry.

5:58 p.m. - 2006-11-30
November 30th, 2005
So, I was doing my yearly "looking back on my journal" thing today, and I found the entry from a year ago exactly. With all the shit that's been happening recently, it's actually an inspirational entry..I must have been in high hopes then. I must have had something to hold onto then....


"I realize more and more everyday, that I'm becoming a different person. I'm not sure how, exactly, all I know is that I'm not the same. I don't know when it started, or how it will eventually play out. In turn, I'm afraid during this process. Anything can happen, whether it be my worst nightmare, my lowest low, or that my childhood dreams will finally come true.

I'm blessed that I still have my faith. And, I don't usually use my faith very often, but I know I've always had it in me. And, now, more than ever, it shows up again during my most difficult, my most confusing, and my most profound, life-turning moments. I believe in so much. And my faith, along with my intuition, is going to be one of the keys in this. I know it. And I can say "I know it" because I have that faith with me.

I know it. And, I'm ready to start conquering this."


How much of this has changed, you ask? Strangely enough, not much of it. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I'm not ready to give up my hopes and beliefs yet. Of course, where I was in my life and what that entry was about isn't the same, but I still like to think that I have that. There are just certain things that I'll never let go, and I'll take it to the grave with me.

4:42 p.m. - 2006-11-27
You don't know me...
Partial convo with some guy last weekend:

Him: Dude, you're like the perfect girlfriend. How come you haven't been scooped up yet?

Me: Uhh, maybe I don't want to be scooped up?

Him: What? Why the fuck not? Every girl wants to be scooped up.

Me: What the hell is scooped up?

Him: Aw c'mon, you know every girl is looking for a dude, even when they say they're not.

Me: Well, I'm REALLY not. Broken heart, scarred soul, nuff said.

Him: Oh, one of those.

Anyways, I'm just gonna lay it all out.

I'm living in this house, surrounded with everyone's drama...I feel like I'm the only normal person here, and let me tell you, I highly doubt I'm anywhere near normal.

I mean, I know I'm just naturally a good listener when it comes to people venting their problems, and normally I'm really supportive, but it's exhausting, and irritating.

I'm hearing all these people's issues, and I just keep thinking that they are the same ones...over and over and OVER again. You can only listen and try to help so much, especially when they don't follow your advice. So, why bother? People are gonna do and feel what they want.

Amy in particular has so many issues, I can't keep hearing everything she says everyday. She talks and talks and talks, and I just say "mmhmm" and "yeah" over and over, not hearing a word she's saying. She seriously stresses me out with all her shit.

It also doesn't help that Katrina now has this hatred against Amy because she's "hanging out" with Chris, though only God knows why. I'm totally down for Katrina always, but I can't take sides when I live in the house with the both of them. I hear one side of something, and then I'll hear another side. I'm caught in the middle of this stupid game of telephone, and I don't know who the hell to believe. I just want to chill.

My aunt, on the other hand, goes out to the bars every weekend to hook up. She'll come home with a guy or three, thinking other girls in the house will want to hook up (and sometimes they do.) When she's not trying to hook up, she's involved with a guy MY age, who happens to be married, who also happens to do a little crystal on the side. By involved, I mean they fuck every once in awhile when he can get away in the middle of the night.

I don't understand any of this.

And then everyone wonders why I just keep to myself 80% of the time. Sure, I'll hang out and drink on the weekend, but other than that, I don't get involved with the drama. I can't believe how out of the loop I am. I just zone out. It's scary how indifferent I've become, even though I know deep down inside, I still care. I just feel like I've got nothing to offer these people. I'm trying to focus on myself here.

So, it sounds like everyone is wanting to go to the bay area for Christmas. Again, not much into the spirit this year. Maybe I'll just chill here if they go up north. I wonder if Vegas for New Years is still intact.

Relocation is sounding better and better.

1:01 p.m. - 2006-11-21
So Tonight That I Might See...
So, Katrina's mom told me about this woman in her 20's that had a boyfriend in Colorado. He was tall, dark, and gorgeous, with tan skin and bright, green eyes. Every girl around thought he was beautiful. On top of that, he was intelligent and very sweet. He was separated from his estranged wife, and he had two children. Well, the woman ended up moving to Kansas for awhile, ultimately parting ways with the guy.

This didn't stop the guy from wanting her, though. So, he drove from Colorado to Kansas, just to see her and try to get her back. But, she couldn't do that. She eventually told him that he needed to go back to his wife and children. Everyone thought she was crazy for letting him go, but something inside her told her that this was how it had to be. In the end, he did eventually go back to his wife, and the woman went her own way.

What woman would turn away a guy like that, and follow her intuition instead?

My mom.

What does that say about her? What was it about her that was so intriguing, that a man would do anything to get her back? And, what other things don't I know about her life before me or Sam? I think about that all the time.

On another note, Amy told me yesterday that I look like a different person. I I didn't press it, but I'm not entirely sure what that means. I know she didn't mean it in a negative sense. Did she mean physically, because I know I do look sort of different. Emotionally? Do I not act like me anymore?

I handwrote a deep,long letter last night, and folded up really small and tucked it into my pillowcase. I haven't done that since I was 17. But, I felt better.

Spam will be absent for Thanksgiving, because her friend is getting married in Vegas, and apparently she's a bridesmaid. It's the first major holiday I've had without her. It sucks major balls.

7:23 p.m. - 2006-11-18
It's easy to make the stupid mistake of letting go...
So Tri-Tri has been trying to talk me into moving to Arizona with her. She's convinced that moving there will relieve her of some of the stresses that all of us are constantly enduring while living in this house. I'm not really sure if moving to Arizona is going to solve all of the issues, but more and more, I've been thinking about moving (hence my saying so a few entries ago.)

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I could do it. What had me tied here in the past isn't really tying me down anymore. I could move away and not have to worry about other people. I could focus on me. Have I come to the point in my life where I don't care what anyone thinks? That I want to do what I want to do, and not have to sacrifice myself in order to please or help others? Sure, I'm a helping person, but when have I ever had the chance to help myself, without it benefitting someone else in the process? I don't think I've ever done that in my entire life, just worrying about myself and no one else...God, that sounds sad.

I don't know if I would necessarily pick Arizona. Katrina's been there twice, and she always comes back raving about how she wants to move there, how the vibe there is so much more laid back and relaxing, how she feels stress free when she goes there. In my opinion, I think I would move anywhere at this point, just as long as it was something new. Maybe I'm done with California for now, or maybe I'm just in a phase where I want everything to change, including my surroundings. New location equals new job, equals new people, new scenery, new everything.

But, then I'm afraid that I'll have a change of scenery, and everything will still be the same. It's like that LA song, where she leaves LA and moves somewhere else, then moves back to LA because she learns that she's going to have trouble wherever she goes. I don't want that. But, what harm would it do to just try it for a year? I've got nothing else going for me, at this point. Maybe I'm just depressed, it hasn't been that long...

I could move anywhere, I guess. Where would I go? What would I do? Who would I meet? Would I be happy? How much would I miss my family, and would I be able to handle that?

Maybe next's not that far away.

12:47 a.m. - 2006-11-12
It's almost 1am here...and all I can think about is how hard it's raining. I love it so much, but at the same time, rain gives a new feeling, a new meaning. It's more bittersweet. Sure, it relaxes and calms me, and it always has, for as long as I can remember, but for some reason, there's a sadness that creeps into me when i'm sitting outside listening and watching and smelling the rain. My thoughts wander, my cigarette burns and ashes flutter to the ground, and all I can do is sit incredibly still, frozen in place, listening to the storm, while my mind races and double loops and it just won't leave me alone...not even for a second..not even for just a moment to savor that rain. It sucks.

I've been thinking a lot about death lately. Sure, death has been all around me since I was a little girl, but lately, I've been pondering it more and more. No, not pondering it in any way where I want to die, but I've just been thinking about...well, I don't know how to explain how I've been thinking about it. Sometimes I wonder which is worse, having someone you love taken away from you without a moment's notice, them being there one second, and them being gone with the snap of your fingers in the other. Or, is it worse to watch the ones you love slowly wither away, death seeping into their bodies and mind, knowing full well they haven't much time left until they know there's nothing else to do except to let go.

The dream about Samantha dying a month ago was what kicked all of this off, I think. That, and watching my grandmother get worse. It's only a matter of time, and it's hard to remember all of the things she used to do when we were little, how energetic she used to be, how much personality and spirit she held inside her...and now I'm not even sure she remembers how to tie her shoes. It kills me, but I know somewhere deep in there, she's still there.

Great, now I'm starting to not make sense. It's either really late or my cold/flu thing is starting to get to me. I need some 'tussin'.

7:01 p.m. - 2006-11-05
He's an angel with no halo, and one wing in the fire...
Weekend Recap:

-Wine drinking with Chris, Jason, Nick, Amy, Chrissy, Me on Friday night.

-Sushi with Nick and Tri-Tri on Saturday afternoon. It was decent.

-Heinekens with the peeps afterwards, listening and singing old skool songs from Nick's ipod @ the top of our lungs. Reminiscing about the good ol' days.

-Swap Meet early Sunday morn. Meeting up with Jason and Kristina just to chill. Browsing jewelry w/Mariah.

-Amy's neverending drama. Nuff said.

-Charger/Browns game. Amy cooking dinner.(what?)

-Nick wearing mariah's "Varsity Football" Footsie pajamas (they're big)and a cape and running around the house with his arms out, pretending he's a superhero. Fucking hilarious.

Tara and her boy flew to Nashville this weekend for her all-expense-paid trip to the CMA's. She texted me a pic of Sugarland, Josh Turner, etc., and I guess she's getting to see all these country stars. I'm officially envious that she even has the opportunity to be in Nashville.

So, I was watching ER last thursday night, and there was an instance in the episode where a woman suffered a heart attack after learning moments before that her husband had died. They called it "Broken Heart Syndrome", and although I've heard of it before, I never really thought something like that was real. So, because I'm a dork, I googled the syndrome to research up on such a thing. And, apparently it's true. You can die from a "broken heart". I guess if you think about it, it makes sense.

Would it be too morbid to admit to wanting to love and be loved that much? Shut up.

1:06 a.m. - 2006-10-29
Slow Dancing In A Burning Room...

ZODIAC SIGN?:pisces.
WHAT'S FUN FOR YOU?:things that aren't boring.
LAST MOVIE YOU SAW?:I have absolutely no memory.
TOP OR BOTTOM?:top or bottom what?
WHAT'S SEXY TO YOU?:humor, confidence without the cockiness, art, music, being genuinely soulful.
BEST PHYSICAL FEATURE?:hair, lips, smile.
WHAT'S YOUR FLAW?:I have a lot of flaws.
BOYSHORTS OR THONG?:depends on what you're wearing.
BOXERS OR BRIEFS?:I wear neither, but boxers for a guy.
WHAT'S YOUR FEAR?:to be a jane doe; to never love and be loved.
WHAT'S YOUR WEAKNESS?:what weakness?
I'D RATHER BE.....:sleeping.
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?:I don't know anymore. Being with my family.
YOUR MOM/DAD ALWAYS SAID......:I don't remember anymore. It's been a long time.
WHAT REALLY PISS ME OFF IS........:no turning signal.
I'M MOST PROUD OF .........:the way my family rocks.
ARE YOU HAPPY OR STRESSED?:probably stressed...or depressed, same thing.
ONE WISH?:if I say it, it'll never come true.
YOU REGRET DOING?:letting my guard down.
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12:11 a.m. - 2006-10-27
Holiday In Spain...
Sometimes I think about leaving California, packing up everything I could handle with my own two hands and just drifting away to another state. I could start over, I could lay some sort of foundation somewhere and not worry about what's happened or not happened in the past. It'd be refreshing.

But, then I would think about how much I would miss the people I love, and how I might be disappointed with my location choice. I wouldn't want to have to move over and over until I found the right place. Everyone knows I'm tired of moving. I just think one more big move might do me some good. I think about applying for jobs in faraway places, just to see if any good offers would be thrown my way, to see if I'd even be tempted to take a job like that. I mean, I could go teach English in some foreign country, save my money, and be happy. I know so many people who do that. I would have to have some major balls to go to a different country alone, though.

I still want to at least visit other states, just to see what it's like. I still want to go to Chicago, New York, Boston, New Orleans, Florida, Seattle. Maybe I've come to the point that my mom came to when she was my age. She traveled this whole country, and loved every minute of it. Not that I'm thinking about it just because my mom did it or anything, but it makes me wonder. As I'm writing this, I doubt I'll go anywhere. Leave California for good? Who the fuck am I kidding? Everyone knows there's only one way I would ever leave the state, and I'm not going to get into that right now.

Who knows though, sometimes I surprise even myself with my decisions and actions.

1:54 a.m. - 2006-10-21
So here's that journal entry that I wrote while I was away:

September 16, 2006

"These past two weeks have literally been a whirlwind, moreso than any other time in my life, besides my parents dying. I feel like we're all growing up. Family members are moving on with their lives, transforming before my very eyes. Little cousins and brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews are maturing, moving away from the dense pack of people that we've slowly built, generation after generation. Nick graduated from high school, no longer the little baby that I used to cart around with me, pretending he was my own. Mariah is a sophomore in high school, continuing on the teenage path with all of her talents and determination to be something great in tow. My sister has her own life now, I realize this finally. I don't see her as often, and I barely talk to her, especially since I no longer have a cell phone, but I'm ok with it. After visiting where she lives, I've made peace with it. She's not a child anymore. Granted, she still has her irresponsible tendencies (the cell phone fiasco), but I can't keep her on a leash anymore....not that I ever could have in the past, but I've completely cut the imaginary cord. She's free. And, I miss her very much, but the realization of her being her own person reassures me. She's thriving, and she's a survivor.

This past move has been the hardest move any one of us has ever endured. It was 4 long days of dealing with dozens and dozens of appliances, furniture pieces, people, moving two seperate houses. The U-Haul truck we rented broke down twice, and waiting for a mechanic until 6 in the morning was worse than the actual move. Every one of us had been sore for days after. But, now I live in a beautiful, two-story, 5 bedroom, 3 bath home, in an awesome neighborhood, closer to all of my favorite places. I feel so much better being "home". There is a large gated front patio, equipped with statues and a fountain, while there is a huge covered veranda in the back, perfect for chillin' outside, smoking cigarettes. I can't wait until it rains and I can go out there and sit and listen to the rain. I miss it.

I'm trying to make a new life for myself here. It's been really hard these past few years, and I'm really starting to change my actions and my way of thinking. I'm trying not to be scared to speak my mind anymore. It doesn't do any good to keep so much in, though I doubt I'd be able to give myself out completely to anyone that will listen. It's just not my nature, and I know I'll always be one of those people who will never share a little piece of themselves, no matter who it is. But, I can try to be more free to do what I want to do. Granted, I know that while I'm trying to transform myself, I've become indifferent to certain aspects in my life, which in my opinion, isn't a good thing, because indifference can protect you as well as hurt you in the long run, but I'm taking baby steps here.

The indifference is probably an after-effect of my trip to Michigan. I feel like there are so many things I must focus on in my life right now, and love isn't one of them. Broken promises and memories must be swept under the rug and forgotten about. I don't want to admit it, but people are saying I've been traumatized. The one thing I'd been obsessively worried about my entire existence had occurred, and although I'm okay, I seriously doubt I'll be able to love someone again. I know that my people think it's bullshit when I've said it out loud, or they just dismiss it and think that I'm being ridiculous, but unfortunately, this is just what my future is going to entail. It's too much for me to handle. A miracle would have to happen in order for me to get over this. So, until a miracle comes along, I'll stay away from anything that resembles love.

I don't want this journal entry to sound like I'm not doing well, though, because I think I am. I can push the hurt aside and do what I have to do. I'm functioning. Sometimes, when I'm supposed to go out and have a good time with my people, it's like I'm putting on a play. I get into character and act the part I'm supposed to. I'm supposed to want to go out and have fun. I'm supposed to hang with these fuckers and throw worries and dark thoughts out the window when we're together. And, for the moment it works. But, in the car before we get there, I'm depressed, and afterwards, when I come home and lay in my bed in the dark with my thoughts, the depression creeps back. Maybe it'll never go away, and will stay with me like a scar. I'm determined to live with it.

I don't even look the same to me anymore. Well, I'm sure I look like me, but I think I look different.. I remember being a child, and staring at myself in the mirror for so long that I couldn't recognize the reflection before me. I feel like that has happened now. I don't know if it's my attitude or my outlook on life, or just the fact that I rarely eat, but there's something about me that is missing. Or maybe something inside me has transformed, and everything is just different now. I can't pinpoint it, but it would be a waste of time to analyze it to death.

Hopefully I can start writing more entries soon, our internet provider is taking forever to transfer to this house.
Time to go get ready to go see some band. More later."

12:10 a.m. - 2006-10-16
I won't let go until you're safe and sound...
So here's a recap of what's been going on in my life:

- The E-40 concert sucked, Jason's birthday was fun, my aunt's wedding reception here at the house was a success, and I've finally seen my sister a couple times while living here.

- I have a new cell phone, which means new plan, new number, etc. I also have internet access, so I guess I'm no longer cut off from the world.

- The pacific islander festival was at the end of September, and really, I didn't do much there except sit with my family and chill for an hour and a half. I've had better PIFAs, but still, it was decent just being with my peeps.

- I'm suddenly on a Country music kick. I have no clue why I always start these phases, but it'll probably be a while before I'm out of the midst of it. So far, every song I've downloaded since getting internet has been country.

- I caught Chris and Amy making out on the couch out on the veranda the other night. Yes, it was awkward for everyone, and I'm completely weirded out. I hope it was just a one-time thing. I get the shivers just thinking about it.

- Nick got his license finally, though we've been letting him drive without one for sometime now. At least it's official.

- Tara has a new boyfriend from Maryland. He's actually really cool, though he's barely 20, and tara is pushing late 20's. I guess it's not supposed to matter, but I have a thing about age differences. Still, he definitely fits in here, so all is well.

- Tre is back to his mohawk ways, the bottom half of mariah's hair is magenta, and I really need a trim. Oh yeah, and my nails are least for the moment I'm no longer a nail biter.

- I like my room, but I still haven't unpacked my boxes. I don't think I ever will.

I also have a journal entry saved on notepad on my laptop, thinking that I'd copy and paste it in here when I finally got online, but I'm not so sure I want to now. I've got to reread it and decide if it'll be the next entry.

I feel like everything around me is drastically changing, and yet, I still feel the same as I did before. Go figure.

4:18 p.m. - 2006-09-22
Please Remember Me
Sometimes I smile. Sometimes my people say and do the craziest shit, and I laugh so hard. Sometimes I get so frustrated with everything that's going on in my life. But, sometimes I'm calm and relaxed. Sometimes I'm scared...about everything. Sometimes I hurt, but sometimes I feel invincible, that nothing matters, that just living is enough. And sometimes, late at night, when no one is looking, I cry. I feel like crying right now, but I can't do it. But when I go home after being at the bar, when the house is quiet, when I'm in my room, laying down, I'll cry.

I've never had so many ups and downs before.

4:15 p.m. - 2006-09-04
I'm Still Alive...for now, anyway.

I'm Still Alive...
Finally moved in...E40 concert @ 4th & B on Friday night....PLUS Jason's 21st birthday Landlord Jim's in Downtown SD...It's gonna be a busy weekend, and I'm due for busy weekends.

We moved back to San Diego just in time for the heat wave, but hey, we're used to it in Temecula. I need a new phone, so hopefully I'll have contact to the outside world again soon.

Shhhhh...gramma's playing the piano.

9:26 p.m. - 2006-08-28
If only you can hang on through the night...
So, this past week, I've had some really really high times (thanks to my peeps on Talbot St), and I've had some seriously low times, lower than I could have ever imagined....And yet, I'm still here. I wouldn't say I'm thriving, because Lord knows that I'm far from it, but I am still here.

I may be still hurting emotionally, which in turn makes me hurt physically and mentally, but, at the same time, I don't know if I can keep regretting what I've done. I've put a lot of faith into him and into us, and I believed with all of my heart and soul that everything would work out. I don't think I can turn my back on God now and say that it still won't, eventually. Somehow, things will work out, however they are supposed to.

Looking back on the past year, there have been ups and downs with each other. I've laughed with him hysterically, I've cried with him hysterically, and I've loved him hysterically. I pushed ego and pride and fear aside to fly across the country, just to follow my heart. How can I look down on myself for experiencing all of that with him? I'll always love him, for the person that he is, and I'll always feel connected to him, in some way or another. I hope he realizes that. That, somewhere out in this world, there is someone who always accepts him and loves him with all of her heart despite anything....good, bad, fixed, broken, dark, light..anything.

I hope he still continues to talk to me, because I feel like I need to know when's he's ok, or when he isn't, and I know he's the same way about me. For all this time, he's been my best friend. That's the hardest part to let go. Hopefully I won't have to.

I think about us, and I think about how we're so different, but at the same time, when we met, we were both at the same stage in life, emotionally. Maybe we're just what we needed at the time. Maybe our work is done. Maybe it's incomplete, and we'll be connected with each other later on in life. No one really knows.

I also really need to focus on myself, to be more mentally and physically healthy. I started off 6 months ago really well, i'd lost about 25 lbs, and then I started feeling even more insecure. I'd say these past 3 months I've had an eating disorder. Even now, I can't eat properly, because I get nauseous if I don't eat, and I get nauseous if I do, and when I do eat, I can't even keep it down. It's horrible, because I've always been the level-headed one out of everyone I knew. And now...well, I guess I can just sum it up to having a really stressful year. I also will try my damndest not to have to go on anti-depressants or anything like that. Hopefully, when I'm out working and being with my people back in San Diego, my mental being will be better. Crossing fingers, here.

I need to slowly push myself forward, and give up any hope that anything else will happen. I can't get my hopes up so much anymore, for my own benefit. I've got to learn to just throw my hands up in the air and know that it's not up to us at this stage in our lives.

Even if it's still killing me...

12:31 p.m. - 2006-08-22
Ordinary People...
I've avoided writing in my journal for a few days now, even though it's probably something I should have done right away. I feel like I can't put it off any longer.

I think I'm doing ok, though I doubt I can make that decision for myself. I'm sure everyone around me thinks I'm ok, because I refuse to talk about anything in front of them, and I don't want to be sad or depressed in their presence. I smile and laugh and make jokes, just to let them know that I'm doing alright. I don't know if they believe it or not, but I don't care anyway. I'm too stubborn to do anything else in front of them.

I didn't even want to drink while I was in Vegas, fearing I'd probably say something I didn't want anyone to know. That, and I'd probably end up becoming an alcoholic eventually, like my dad. The nights are the hardest, but that's probably because that's when it's the quietest, and I start listening to my thoughts. Basically anytime I'm alone, I feel like shit. I don't know if I should just not be alone, or what. I'd prefer it, though.

It probably doesn't help that I keep listening to the same songs over and over. If I would have taken Carl's cd with me, it would be a thousand times worse though, and I knew it right away, so I didn't take it.

I don't know how I'm supposed to react right now. I've never had an experience like this before. You always see heartbroken people in the movies, extremely depressed, chillin' in their pajamas, listening to some seriously fucking horrible sad music, a box of tissue next to them, blowing their nose, watching old black-and-white movies about love and loss. I don't want to do those things. Why would I want to watch or listen to anything that would make me feel worse? If anything, I'm numb.

Not that I'm normal when I'm by myself. I can't even keep food down, and I wake up about a dozen times through the night. But, I can't bring myself to go on the computer or find someplace in the house to watch tv, so I just lay there in bed, staring at the ceiling.

I blame everything on myself. It's my fault for even opening up in the first place, making myself vulnerable. That's what I get. I won't let it happen again. I'll probably never even get over it. It's just as well. No one knows what's going to happen in the future, anyway.

I wish I could talk to my mom. I used to know what she'd say to me, but it's been so long, I don't even know anymore. I could talk to Katrina's mom, but it wouldn't be good. Samantha probably won't talk to me for a long time. I don't know how I lost everybody. I feel so alone right now. I'm such a fucking idiot.

9:47 p.m. - 2006-08-18
in the face of change
is when she turned to me and said,
"i'm not sure anymore..."

and there amidst the waves
and the cloudless skies
that blanket the year before
i watch my life wash ashore

have you ever been a part of something
that you thought would never end?
and then of course it did

have you ever felt the weight inside you
pulling away inside your skin?
and then something had to give

now the lines are drawn
is this feeling gone?
the best parts of this have come and gone
and now that is all this is

with the reasons clear
we'll spend another year
without direction, full of fear
but now things will be different

there's nothing simple when it comes to you and i
always something in this everchanging life
and it probably always will
now that time is getting harder to come by
the same arguments are always on our mind
we've killed this slowly fading light

now something has kept me here too long and you can't leave me if i'm already gone

make the same mistakes we're always hanging on
break the promises we're always leaning on
all this time spent waking up
now i keep this line open to get this call from you as you speak the words
that keep me coming back to you now this time it's all different

now something has kept me here too long and now i'm gone...

11:22 p.m. - 2006-08-14
Thinking Over....
I've been searching for a reason
And I'm running out of time
I can feel that it's the season
It's time to make up my mind

And I can't really tell you what I'm gonna do
There are so many thoughts in my head
There are two roads to walk down and one road to choose
So I'm thinking over the things that you've said
Thinking over the things...

I'm thinking over
Thinking over
Thinking over
The things that you've said
And I'm thinking over
Thinking over
Thinking over the things...

Am I ready for forever?
Oh, God, show me a sign
'Cause if we're to be together
Then it's got to be divine

And I can't really tell you what I'm gonna do
There are so many thoughts in my head
There are two roads to walk down and one road to choose
So I'm thinking over the things that you've said
Thinking over the things...

I'm thinking over
Thinking over
Thinking over
The things that you've said
And I'm thinking over
Thinking over
Thinking over the things...

He wants to marry me
Carry me far away
He wants to love me for life
He wants to be with me
Every morning I awake
He wants to hold me through the night

Father, which way should I go?
I cannot clearly see
Oh, I love him so
But only you know if he's the one for me

Thinking over
The things that you've said
I'm thinking over
Thinking over
Only you know if he's the one for me

I cant really tell you
What I'm gonna do
There are so many thoughts in my head
There are two roads to walk down
And one road to choose
So I'm thinking over
The things that you've said

Thinking over
Thinking over

5:07 p.m. - 2006-08-14
My two favorite mythical creatures....go figure.
Your Primary Mythical Creature:
Water Types

(Water with Air)

Astrologically associated with Pisces and the Twelfth House

Mermaid types are warm and caring in a passive, receptive way. They are given to daydreaming and to contemplation, a combination that can make them seem curiously absent and fey. They are among the most unworldly of all the types. Despite this they have a strong ability for clear, rational thinking that can be startling. They seem to have a deep, intuitive understanding of the oneness of the universe. They have a desire to help the world at large and are acutely aware of and sensitive to suffering. This is partly because they do not recognize the customary boundaries between people, other living things, time, space, this world and the Otherworld. They are frequently psychic. They can be brilliantly original and highly creative. They are usually regarded by others as benign eccentrics or as plain weird.

Your Shadow Creature:
Fire Types

(Fire and Earth)

This shadow is prone to a sense of stagnation due to lack of motivation and laziness. Nothing durable is ever produced. Practical activities may never be embarked upon. There is an underlying sense of futility and hopelessness. Disillusionment results from their lack of confidence that they can change anything for the better, and in any case they do not have the will. At the same time there is an underlying grandiosity and even megalomania reflected in their dreams and aspirations. They need to feel special. Instead, they may simply overindulge or neglect themselves physically. The biggest obstacle of weak Earth is to overcome self-centeredness and greed; the biggest obstacle of weak Fire is to overcome anger and aggression.

10:08 p.m. - 2006-08-09
I feel so lost right now. The past few days have been so stressful to me, and I feel like they shouldn't have to be. I should just let things go and not worry so much about money, or my phone, being so nervous to see Carl, not talking to my sister. I feel like I'm going crazy, and I can't get through a day without crying anymore. I feel like I'm incomplete and a failure.

My self esteem is dwindling pretty quick here, and I know I wasn't the most confident person to begin with, but I've NEVER been like this. I continuously tell myself that I'm stupid for doing or not doing this, and saying or not saying that. It's come to the point where I'm making myself physically sick from it, and that just isn't right. What happened to the semi-happy, healthy person that didn't give a fuck about anything? Where's the person that would chill and talk to her people like it was nothing, and give OTHER people advice about their fucked up lives.

I swear I'm caught in-between doing too much and telling myself it's never enough. I know people around here are keeping an eye on me to make sure I'm eating, to see if I'm crying again, to watch out if I'm gonna break down and freak out. Things just don't seem okay right now. And, throughout my entire life, I don't think I've ever fully felt this way before.

Some things mean too much to me right now, and I think it's because I feel like I don't have anything to show for anything I've done or said I wanted to do. I'm holding onto everything and everyone I have, and it's like it's all slipping away. I'm so stubborn sometimes, and I'm not where I want to be in anything, and it just seems like I'm never going to get there.

I worry about seeing carl A LOT, and I'm sure he knows that because of all the freak-outs, and the bizarre dreams in which he interprets as me being afraid. I try not to care, but I can't help it. My confidence is shot, and I feel like I'll go there and he won't want to be with me. I'm scared he'll think I'm ugly, too fat, or too anal, too neurotic, not smart enough, not confident enough, and it's even come to the point where I worry that he won't like me because I worry too much. And, what sucks is, I don't think im any of those things. I know that when I'm ok, I'm ok. I don't think so little of myself normally. But, right now, I can't even stand too look at myself. And, I know he says that he'll love me no matter what, and I know he really, really means it, but there's something wrong in my brain where I just can't accept it. I can't accept the idea that someone could love me for me, when I don't even love myself at this stage in my life. I'll screw it up somehow.

And now, my sister won't talk to me because of some stupid cell phone. Sure, I should have never put a phone for her under my name (again), but I have problems denying my sister anything. She basically ignored me for the past 5 days, despite the fact that it's her fault that my cell phone is cut off, and she owes so much money. I got a message back from her finally today (on myspace, because a phone call would just be too much), and she basically put me down for getting money every month. I get just a FRACTION of what she makes in a month, but hey, it's okay to talk shit because I don't have a job and she has to work for her cell phone money. She doesn't even have any other bills besides the cell phone under MY name. I'd hate to think what she'll do when she realizes I cut her phone off permanently. She'll probably disown me, and I won't be able to take that...She's killing me...literally.

So I don't have a job...or a car...or a phone now...or anything. I live in a room with a bed and boxes all around me. I cook dinner every night, and clean. But, what good is that? What does that make me? I could have tried harder to find a job. I could have walked somewhere and got a minimum wage paying position where I serve food through a drive-thru. Would I get more respect for it? Are my standards too high? It's not like I graduated college or anything. I couldn't even finish that...

At least I would have money if I worked at some shitty job. My clothes are getting bigger and bigger, and I can't even afford to get an outfit. That's pretty bad. What 24 year old can't even buy herself a pair of pants? Sometimes I wonder what the kids from my graduatiing year are doing. Probably getting their masters, or getting married and having babies...I'm sure they at least have a job and a car. I can't even stay in one place to live for a few months anymore. What is wrong with me??

Maybe I am having a nervous breakdown. With all the shit that's ever happened in my life, I'm probably due. People used to make comments about how I've had a hard life, and that I've turned out pretty good despite whatever was going on. I was strong, and resilient, independent, and fucking sharp. I believed them, and now it's come to the point where I don't think I'm any of those things.

And, at the same time, it could be so much worse. I could be so much worse. I need to figure out how to get through all of this.

1:12 p.m. - 2006-07-15
I'm just too far, from where you are, I wanna come home.
So, it looks like I'll be moving back to San Diego, September-ish, and...I'm happy and sad at the same time.

Since living in the IE (inland empire), I couldn't think of anything else but San Diego, and how I miss the beaches, the weather, the people and the neighborhoods, the excitement of summer in SD, and the closeness of everything. The jobs are flourishing there, there's a better chance for transportation (thank the Lord), and at least once a week, I fantasize a rendevous with the REAL carne asada burritos from El Cotixan.

But, at the same time, I'm kinda sad. Don't get me wrong, I can't stand Temecula/Murrieta/aka-the-deserted city, but yet again, I have to pick up and move. I can't even stay in one place for a year anymore. And, granted, it's not entirely my fault, but anyone who knows me, knows that moving for me was once a really, really hard thing for me to do. And now, it's like it's no big deal. And, I feel like it should be a big deal, damnit. I mean, I haven't unpacked my moving boxes in 4 years, because I know that it would be a waste of time. I doubt anything relevant to my life are in those boxes anymore (I'm not the same person now as I was at 20), and yet I refuse to touch them. That's pretty bad. The day I finally unpack, completely and fully, will be a big step in my life, I think.

I've started painting again, and throughout the years of this journal (at least 4 years worth of rantings, silliness, and sadness), I've mentioned the going-back to painting frequently. It's almost like a pattern. I start out fine, and I slowly stop doing art, then I get depressed and sad and basically pathetic, and then it gets to the point where I want to go back to art again, and then I start to feel better again. It's a cycle. You know, that psychic said that I would always go back to art, because it calms me, now that I think about it. I didn't really realize that until now. She really knows how to read a person.

And, in all honesty, it really does calm me. I feel like I'm accomplishing something, and I try to do detailed art in order for me to concentrate and stay quiet. I rarely talk when I paint. And in the end, when I finish painting for the day, or when I decide that it's completed, I feel relieved and better about myself. Ahh, the wonders of art. It's like writing.

Time to go.

10:24 a.m. - 2006-07-08
4th of July weekend was one big drama event in my family, and not in a good way, either.

The "little girl" known as Sandra got into a fight with her aunt, and now she's not talking to me because I "disrespected" her for the last time.

First of all, I can't recall a day in my life where I disrespected anyone of my 7 aunts. Second of all, if I disrespected her, it wasn't in vain, and it wasn't without good reason. People don't automatically get respect because they're older than me or because they're an aunt. They earn the respect that is given to them. Demanding it out of someone isn't going to work.

Thirdly, even if it was my aunt, and I should be respecting her, there's the fact that I'm not a child. I'm 24 years old, and I have a mind of my own. It isn't about respect to me, it's about getting my point across. If she's the supposed "adult" and I'm the "child", then why was the aunt trying to come at me and physically fight me? What kind of aunt does that? And, if I was the child she thinks I am, why was I the one to walk away because of the sheer ridiculousness of it all?

Note to self: find out if ridiculousness is a word.

Fourth, I was just sticking up for Katrina, who was basically being treated like shit for something that had nothing to do with her. In fact, the situation had nothing to do with me, at that point. But, I felt I needed to step in and defend Katrina, because she was physically and emotionally incapable of doing it all by herself at that moment. No offense to her, but health-wise, Katrina shouldn't have to deal with petty issues that make her cry and shake and blood pressure spike.

Fifth, I think anyone would go off on someone (aunt or not) if they had the audacity to include their deceased mother into the argument. If they only knew how that really feels, they'd understand that a statement involving my dead mother is like spitting in my face. She could have said anything else in the world, but she chose the one thing that, in my opinion, is untouchable to everyone else besides my sister. Out of the entire event, that one comment was the worst part of it. Maybe that's childish, but losing your parents as a kid might have something to do with it.

Being the worried, analytical person that I am, I've analyzed the 30 second argument to death, and I can't find one part of my side that I regret. Honestly, I still feel I have nothing to be sorry for in that event. I know my heart was in taking care and defending someone else, because I was witnessing her mistreatment. I know people in my family don't like to go off on others because they don't want a conflict, and I'm like that too, to a point, but if they're doing that shit in your face, and you're seeing and hearing it with your own eyes and ears, it's pretty hard to ignore and not get angry at, unless you're a fucking lampost.

Bottom line, no one messes with my family, even if it's another family member...and ESPECIALLY not over 50 fucking dollars.

5:52 p.m. - 2006-06-29
I Write Sins, Not Tragedies...
Oh God. I was just about to write about how depressed I am, and how I've been crying all day, and I think I have low self-esteem right now, but I just glanced at the entry before this, and fuck, I sound like a fucking whiner. I swear, I'm not usually like that.

Ok, so there's something going on around me right now, and I can't figure out where it's coming from. I keep smelling my mom's smell. It's kind of a mixture of fresh air trapped in a jacket, and keri lotion. It is the oddest thing, but I've been inhaling that scent all day, no joke. I even changed my shirt twice, because I thought it was my deodorant or lotion or something. But, it's there. And, it's driving me crazy.

Maybe I'm depressed because I keep smelling it. Or, maybe I smell it because I'm depressed. Maybe it's supposed to be comforting. I have no fucking clue. Very few people know the smell I'm talking about. I was going to tell my aunt that I live with, but she'd probably think I was hallucinating. For fucks sake, I could be, at this point.

I could have had a bad dream. Sometimes, my bad dreams carry on into my life in the day, setting me up with a mood concocted by whatever fears or demons I'd been facing during my REM state. Maybe that's all it is.

I need new clothes. And, I just realized, I haven't smoked at all today. Maybe my depression is really nicotine withdrawal, though I doubt that my low self-esteem stems from the lack of a cigarette. I don't hold that much power in a pack of Marlboros, really.

Tomorrow will probably be a better day. There's so much going through my head right now, and maybe I just need to relax a little. Maybe, I'm making it worse by worrying and trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. This whole entry has the word "maybe" in it, it's pathetic. I need to chill.

4:27 p.m. - 2006-06-07
How Shall I See You Through My Tears?
Something's wrong with me. I don't feel right.

I don't want to say I'm depressed, though everyone has been saying that I probably am. But, I'm not always sad...just lately. Maybe it's just all stresses and worries building up until I start freaking out. And, I have been freaking out.

I'm so ashamed, I have to write this to calm myself down, and there's no way I'd write this on myspace. It's too embarassing.

I hate this. I don't feel like myself. Please God, tell me I'm just pmsing. It would be so much better than actually having something wrong with me.

7:55 p.m. - 2006-05-25
I think my family seriously needs to be in therapy.

I'll even admit that I would benefit from it, but it's astonishing how many of my family members are going about dealing with their issues in ways that doesn't seem to be working, but rather making things even worse.

My sister is pretty hard-headed, but this isn't anything new. I can worry about her to death, and yet nothing will come from it, because I can't change her mind in any way. I can only hope that telling her about my feelings will sway her way of thinking so that she can empathize with what I'm going through when I do worry about her...because nothing else seems to be working. She, like everyone else, needs to be approached a certain way, or else she'll pull away entirely, and I don't think I could forgive myself if it ever resulted in that.

I know my aunt is coming from a good place when she "talks" to my sister about the things that are worrying her, but maybe it comes out the wrong way, or maybe Samantha just takes it the wrong way, and now there is just no respect for either person towards each other. And, I feel like I'm stuck in the middle. I know where my aunt is coming from (because I worry constantly), and I know where my sister is coming from (because I know what it's like to be told things about myself that I don't believe or want to hear about from my aunt).

What hurts the most is that my sister just told me over the phone that sometimes she can't talk to me. Yeah, that's how it's always been. My sister has never really confided in me the things that a sister should and could confide...and it makes me sad. Maybe, in that aspect, she is just too opposite from me to be able to do that. But, it still doesn't stop the hurt that it causes me, especially since she's always been the only thing keeping me going in this world.

And, then I think about her age, and my age, and just our personalities, and how they always clash on certain issues, and I can't really put the blame on me or her (well, it's always easier to blame myself, being the older sister). I've always prided myself in the relationship I've had with my sister, despite our clashing differences...and I realize now, that maybe it's just too different. Do I give up? Do I accept the fact that i'll never be as close to my sister as I want to be? There are so many things throughout our adolescence that I've "found out" about rather than her just telling me. And, everytime it happens, I feel a mixture of sadness and misunderstanding.

Even right after my parents passing, I've had this urge to protect her, to stay as close to her as possible, because as an older sister, I felt like that is what I'm supposed to do. I put so much guilt on myself, because I feel like I'm letting her down all the time. I should be taking care of her if she can't financially, but I can't, because I'm not financially stable myself. She shouldn't be moving around every which way to different houses and cities and rooms, because it's unhealthy, but I can't stop my own self from doing it. Granted, she's old enough to take care of herself, but sometimes I feel like she isn't. And, that's probably the parental side of me. Or, maybe that's just me being the ultimate sister that I always feel like I need to be.

Aren't sisters supposed to feel like they can say or do anything with each other? Aren't they supposed to be a ble to talk shit when something is not going right, and when to be happy when something is? Regardless of either one, I've always thought that you could say anything. Somewhere along the way, we've lost that, because of not wanting to make the other person feel like they're butting into the other person's life....but, she's always BEEN my do you let go of that?

I did make a promise to my mother that I would take care of my sister after she died. Shit, I was 13 when I made that promise. And, 11 years later, after we've both grown into women, it's haunting me to the extreme. Maybe my mom thought more of me, thinking I would be stable enough to do it, but I can't even get to that point in my life where I can do's pathetic, and it's sad.

I want my sister to be healthy, happy, stable, and to just live her life...and, in the end, I hope she realizes I want to be A PART of her life..because I don't think I am right now, and it's killing me.

This is just emotionally draining.

9:26 p.m. - 2006-05-13
Such A Beautiful Disaster...
I have no clue why I'm feeling this song right now...I mean, it's old, but I've played it 4 times in a row already today.

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He's as damned as he seems
"And" more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain't right
It just ain't right

Oh "when" I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
"Such" a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
But do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight
Baby hold on tight

Oh coz I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm searching for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
so long

He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the ends he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take

Oh coz I dont know
I dont know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster

1:50 p.m. - 2006-04-17
Their tears are filling up their glasses...
I kinda don't know what I'm feeling right now. Just because of that, I think I'm too sensitive for my own good.

Why do people tell someone who's loved one died, that they're "sorry"? I've never completely understood that. Even when I was younger, and other peers would find out about my parents not being alive, the first thing they would say was that they were Sorry. It came to the point where, people were saying it left and right, and I had become tired and irritated from hearing it so much. Even to this day, I'll get a sorry if they know about my parents, so now 90% of the time, it just makes me refrain from telling others about them at all.

So what's the first thing I say when I find out someone's friend dies? I say "Im sorry". It's inevitable. I don't think it's something you even think about saying, it just automatically comes out, because you really are sorry. At least I always am. Sorry that the person you're talking to is hurting...sorry that if you're a good enough friend, you have this incredible urge to fix any problem that makes them sad, and yet, you can't...sorry that you actually have no words to say except "sorry", because most people are uncomfortable with saying anything else when they find out the news....and, in my case, sorry that I'll never get to meet the friend that touched that person deeply enough to make a lasting impression. I feel like I missed out.

I'm always one of those people that is saddened by tragedy and easily shows emotion during those times. I think I get it from my mother, whom had to quit nursing school at one point, because she was so upset when one of her patients died...I don't think I could handle that day in and day out. I don't think I could harden my emotions like my aunt, the nurse, to the point where I can't cry when someone dies. I don't think I could ever accept that.

I also know that I'm not the type to spew inspirational or positive quotes and sayings like "They're better off where they are", or "He/She is looking down on us"...mainly, I don't because that stuff had ever helped me when my parents died. If anything, it made me think as a young woman, that the sorrow I was feeling was not right. It could have been my age that made me think that, I don't know, but I don't want to disrupt someone's grieving process. Everyone has their own way of doing it, and I'd rather just sit there with them and listen to anything they wanted to tell me.

Is it normal to grieve for someone you don't even know? Am I that sensitive, that I am affected to the point of this? Am I just a little too humanitarian in that aspect? I don't think I am, because I don't think I'd ever want to not care, that's just part of me. And, with that, I don't think I want to apologize for saying Sorry...

11:33 a.m. - 2006-03-25
Back In The Days...
So it seems I need to step up my Journal Game, but I can blame my lack of recent entries partially on my absence of internet the past two weeks. So really, I'm not even that late adding another entry.

Last night, me and spam went to Nick's Senior Show. Technically, it wasn't a show for all the seniors, but it was his English teacher's show. They showed baby pictures, did hee-larious skits about growing up and becoming adults, and even did some dancing. Nick and Chris wrote one of the skits they did, and swear to God, Nick's was the funniest one out of all of them.

As the show wore on, it started getting more sentimental, and I started thinking back at being a senior in high school. They even had everyone get their parents and dance to that damn Luther Vandross "Dance With My Father" song that I cannot stand. But Nick, the son that he is, grabbed his mom and led her to the front of the stage, and danced with her.

I kinda got teary-eyed, because Nick is the last of her 6 children to graduate. Oy vey.

oh, and by the way....

Back by popular demand, Alissandra moved back in with her aunt. All is presently ok, stay tuned for more details.

4:15 p.m. - 2006-03-06
In The Deep...
Wow, I haven't written in here in a long time...I guess I'm due.

So, we're moving again....great, right? it's my 5th time moving in a year, and everytime it happens, I tell myself it'll be a much better move than the last. Or, at least that's what I pretend to tell myself, because in reality, everytime it happens, a little piece of me withers away, my spirit breaking just a little more.

These are supposed to be the best times of my life. I don't know who made up that unofficial rule, but it's not going so well for me. Well, that's not entirely true, because when something bad happens, usually something good from somewhere else comes along to balance it out, almost as if God is giving me a little, tiny glimpse of hope so that I don't completely wash my life away and give up. But, even that, right now it seems, isn't coming through for me.

So yes, I'm moving again. And, again, I don't have a plan. Samantha is very adamant in staying here in Temecula, and, me being the pseudo-free-spirit that I am, I could move back to San Diego in a heartbeat, at least for the time being. I've already started envisioning getting my job back, though I don't know how I would even get there if Samantha keeps the car up here. I would hate to start asking for rides to work everyday again.

It always seems to happen this way, and there's nobody to blame my situation on except for myself. I got myself here, and I'm not even sure I have the strength to get myself out of it. I always think I do, and then when I start living life again, it feels as though there's always something, SOMETHING that says I can't do it, and I have to start all over again...Building my broken self up all over again, getting the confidence to go out there and believe I can do something at least semi-great all over again, trying to be the "adult" that I'm supposed to be all over again, giving myself the benefit of the doubt all over again...And, it's exhausting.

Maybe nothing WILL ever change. Maybe, I'm destined to be in this exact position and environment that I've been in for the past year....but I hope it isn't so. Well, at least I still have my hope...

I want to do the right thing. And, at the same time, I want to do what I want. I'm not sure there's a middle ground. I mean, I'm sure there is, but....I don't even know anymore. Everyone keeps telling me what I "need" to do. And, when I tell them what I "want" to do, I get shot down. But, these they even get it? Do they understand where I'm coming from? I feel like nobody realizes. I feel really, really alone right now. I want to be comforted, and all I get are people lecturing me and getting upset. It only makes me feel like I'm worthless. I can't do anything right anymore.

All I know is that I made a promise. Do I go against that promise? Can I create a way so that I can have both, and not feel guilty about one or the other? I'm so fucking screwed up right now. I don't even feel loved pathetic.

The more I write this shit, the more I realize I'm way more depressed than I let on. How could I be so blind? I'll just stop now.

11:06 a.m. - 2006-02-28
Moving is a motherfucking bitch, I hate it, I hate it, I HATE IT.

3:52 a.m. - 2006-02-19
Better Together...
There is no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
And no song that I could sing, but I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia tone loving

Love is the answer
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Why are we here and where do we go
And how come it's so hard
It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing
It's always better when we're together

Mmm, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

And all of these moments just might find a way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone when the morning light sings
Or brings new things for tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too, too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression I was somewhere in between
With only two, just me and you, not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be, we'll sit beneath the mango tree now

Yeah, it's always better when we're together
Mmm, we're somewhere in between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together (mmm)

I believe in memories, they look so, so pretty when I sleep
And when I wake up, you look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We're better together

7:49 p.m. - 2006-02-12
San Diego girls, they drive me Crazy...
San Diego's "I Miss" List.

I miss:

1) La Jolla Shores.

2) Going to El Coxitan.

3) Tara and Chris.

4) Being in Clairemont and knowing 49 different shortcuts to get home.

5) My job.

6) Having "Beach Talks" with my people when we're feeling down or anxious.

7) 24 hour stores.

8) Driving downtown when we're feeling "cool".

9) Running into someone I know everywhere I go.

10) The Square.

1:04 a.m. - 2006-01-29
There's a man with a gun over there..tellin' me I need to beware.
So I haven't written in here in a long time.

Samantha reminded me that Valentine's Day is coming up, and I must say, I could care less. I guess you could say it was the three years working at Hallmark that made me indifferent to most holidays, especially Valentine's Day. Do you know how many stuffed animals and boxes of candy I've sold in my life? Or, how many balloons I've blown up for that matter? I dunno, I'm not that keen on the idea that couples HAVE to get each other something on February 14th. Some women thrive on it, demanding such lavish pieces of jewelry and expensive, but unoriginal dozens of roses and boxes of chocolate, not to mention a well-planned, but predictable night? It seems too much to live up to. I'm not gonna only show my love on Valentine's Day, I'm gonna show it whenever I can.

I wouldn't complain if I did have all those things, by any means, but is it really necessary? I would seriously be happy with a fricken card. Ok, and food. Everyone wants to go out to dinner, whether it's Valentine's Day or just a Tuesday.

But what makes me a hypocrite, is that I always get Samantha something for Valentine's Day, a "sisterly" valentine, you could say. Usually it's just something small, like a card and a nice-smelling candle, but nonetheless, I never fail to do it. Maybe it's because my mom would always get us something for those holidays-V Day, Easter, etc. I've also been known to do the same thing for Mariah and Tre. Yeah, I guess my future children should be expecting the same thing....I really am a hypocrite....

So I was watching Forrest Gump on TNT tonight (yes, very exciting Saturday night, huh?) and I ended up downloading all these oldies from the movie afterwards, mainly because a lot of them reminded me of my parents, my dad especially. The movie made me think about what it would be like to live in that era, and how it would affect me. It doesn't seem like we live in a time where important history-changing events occur. Well, I'm sure there is, but...I dunno, it doesn't seem to be as important as all the other previous events. Sam is convinced she would have been a peace-loving "no war", expand-your-mind-while-taking-hallucinogens-hippie kinda girl. I have no clue where I would be in all of it....Yep...ok, that's all I got, I'm ending here.

Oy Vey.

2:14 p.m. - 2006-01-13
Love is an Art...
He who knows nothing, loves nothing. He who can do nothing understands nothing. He who understands nothing is worthless. But he who understands also loves, notices, sees...The more knowledge is inherent in a thing, the greater the love...Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time as the strawberries knows nothing about grapes.

~ Paracelsus

So that's the beginning quote from this book I've been reading called "The Art Of Loving", which I think is a book that Sam had used as a textbook for 12th grade, though she's said she's never even read it. So I started reading it, you know, because the title sort of captured my attention, and it's so far, an interesting view on Love. The book is definitely dated (circa 1956), but I would say 90% of it still pertains to this era. The more I read of this book, the more I start developing my own theories on Love. If there's any book that could open up my eyes on my own way of Loving, then it would be this one, I'm sure. I've even started highlighting and writing notes in the margins to better remember all of it. It's such a short book, but very potent in the way it's written.

So the more I read this, the more I realize that I am capable of Love, the more I understand that I DO know how to Love, in every aspect. It's making me a little more confident in myself and my abilities. How intriguing says the girl who once thought she couldn't possibly have it. Maybe I should have finished the book before I wrote about it in here. Oh well...

Carl played me a song today...not just any song, but one of my favorite songs on the guitar. Once again, I'm truly touched. Not that I need to write that memory in here to remember, I just felt like documenting it. He mesmerizes me yet again.

It's all around me...I would be a fool to deny it.

3:12 a.m. - 2006-01-04
This song kills me...
I'm Dying, Dying to wake up without you, without you in my head again
I'm Dying, Dying to forget about you, that you ever lived
There's a shade come over this heart that's coping with laying down to rest
I'm Dying to live without you again

I'm Dying, Dying to find a distraction, get you away from me
I'm Dying, Dying to reach a conclusion, so that the world can see
It's the same old story of love and glory that broke before it bent
I'm Dying to live without you again

The first time you left I said goodbye
Now there's not a prayer that can survive

Dying, Dying to die just to come back so we can meet again
Dying, Dying to say what I always should have said
It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath...
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again

It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath...

I'm Dying and I can't live without you
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again

1:39 p.m. - 2005-12-30
This Year's Love
This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
I've been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right
I start to forget
How my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like you can't go on

Top 5 Moments of Christmas:

1) The Food, of course. Samantha volunteered to make the turkey, who, by the way, usually doesn't even open her own can for campbell's soup. I was surprised and proud, though. Very Good.

2) Playing Barbie Uno with Isabella, Vince, and Silas. Bella insisted on making it a big game, so we three volunteered our services. We actually forgot how to play for a minute, and 6 year old bella had to teach us.

3) Teaching Tre how to make s'mores. Yum.

4) Karaoke contest, as usual at Auntie Chrissy's house. "Afternoon Delight" was a fave.

5) My presents, of course. Nothing spectacular, but I'm grateful for any gift, at this point. Lotions, soaps, gift cards, candy, picture frames (katrina bought me that, and it almost made me tear), cute scarf, beanie, money. blah blah blah.

Saturday we're going to Tara's house in San Diego to do our annual Gift Exchange game thing. Last year we had like 60 people doing it, this year I don't think we'll have as many, but it should be just as crazy. Afterwards, hopefully I'll get to stay in San Diego and do something for New Year's Eve. I should be in the bay area right now.....

I'm sorry.

10:03 p.m. - 2005-12-26
another one of those they have to get so personal? This is a little too accurate...
How Alissandra Relates to Other People

You are emotional, sensitive, domestic and extremely self-protective. Your relationship with your parents was not balanced in that you were far more affected by your mother than you were by your father. You unconsciously seek your father's qualities in a partner. The people you are close to are well-organized, ambitious and, at times, a bit melancholy. They give your life structure and take care of youpractically and materially (not necessarily financially) the way you take care of them emotionally. You create a nest. You are a nurturing, loving, parenting person who likes to take care of people. You try to create an emotionally safe space for your partner to enable the sharing of inner needs and longings that people outside the home would never suspect. Privacy makes the relationship special for you. Your partners usually require a good deal of attention. They are often serious people and sometimes rather depression-prone. They tend to be ambitious and successful but not very expressive emotionally. They may require more understanding than they give.

Your close relationships are with people who are artistic, attractive and charming. They have taste, style, good manners and aesthetic sensibility. They may also be somewhat flirtatious which occasionally arouses in you feelings of possessiveness. You are personally attractive and charming and probably have always been popular. You enjoy the esteem of others and anyone you are close to would tend to reflect the value system of those you respect and would be popular with them as well.

Your intimate relationships are impacted more by what you saw of your parents' relationship than most people. In your household, your mother's influence was powerful while your father was frequently absent either emotionally or physically. This imbalance left you with a yearning for a stable home shared with a perfect mate and, at the same time, a concern about its ever happening. That concern could manifest unconsciously in an inclination to choose the wrong people so that the relationship could not last or, more likely, allow your abandonment anxieties to seep into the relationship, building the very walls you dread. In time, you may outgrow this simultaneous fear of being alone and fear of dependency. You may learn that losing a relationship can hurt but not destroy. In fact, sometimes good things grow out of bad situations. When something long-feared actually occurs and you survive, you find that your usual defenses -- which tend to keep out the good as well as the bad -- are no longer needed. You can risk intimacy and allow yourself to connect with someone who can commit in a relationship that can work.

Your love nature is very turbulent. You form relationships impulsively and then worry it's with the wrong person. There seems to be a dichotomy between the person you know yourself to be and the person you feel you should be in order to be valued and loved.

You are restless and independent and, no matter how close you become to someone, you always remain your own person and there is a part of yourself you cannot share. You are uncompromisingly true to your convictions which must be shared by those close to you. You have a strong, confident, expressive personality which inspires confidence in others. You often find yourself in a position of leadership as do your partners who are also dynamic and successful. Your relationships are marked by mutual respect.

You have a genial, pleasant quality which inspires confidence in others. It sometimes surprises you the way people trust you with their innermost thoughts. Moral integrity is important to you and, while you are not judgmental, you will not violate a principle.

Power struggles plague your relationships. Either you become the dominant partner out of a fear of being controlled or you become very passive, controlling indirectly through guilt or manipulation. Your father may have been emotionally abusive to you. Your mother was either over-idealized or rejected as a feminine role model. You did not get a clear sense of who you were as a child and, as a result, may set impossibly high standards for yourself. You tend to be a loner.

You are forever embroiled in controversy with people in positions of authority which, at times, may attract public attention. You want and need approval more than you care to admit to yourself, but it must be on your terms and not entail any compromise. As a child, you were permitted to explore and uncover strange phenomena which gave you a specific sense of power and control over your world. You carry that inner security into your adulthood and are drawn to people who are strong and self-reliant.

You're sensitive and perceptive and in touch with your feelings. No matter how difficult a situation is, you feel you can deal with it if you can understand it. Someone who is less emotionally self-aware or expressive would make you feel uncomfortable. You like to discuss everything. Feelings that aren't acknowledged can't be discussed.

You are passionate, competitive and high-spirited and enjoy relationships with assertive, independent people. You're restless and active and, when you are close to someone, like to do things together. You enjoy a good fight and don't carry a grudge. While you may not be overly demonstrative emotionally, you take close personal relationships very seriously and always feel a strong sense of responsibility and loyalty. You are not a fair-weather friend. When someone needs you, you are always there.

You tend to dramatize your emotional state. When things are going pretty well, you're in ecstasy-and when things are not all they might be, it's the worst despair that ever struck mankind. People may find you a bit self-absorbed or inflated at times. You have an innovative turn of mind and may have a talent for an unusual subject. Your ideas are often considered to be ahead of your time. You can be somewhat impersonal and detached - even with close ties. You need to share controversial ideas with friends.

Your sense of humor is one of your outstanding qualities. It usually manifests as a rather wry wit. Anyone you're close to must share this sense of irony. You probably have a special talent or an absorbing interest. Your closest ties are likewise involved. There is nothing humdrum about the way that you love. You have a flair for the unusual and the creative and are drawn to those who shun the conventional. You shy away from those who tend to be over-possessive. Your love affairs are also wonderful friendships.

Your emotional needs were not met when you were growing up and there was nothing you could do about it. Even today, you tend not to express anger or pain or resentment except when you are in an infrequent rage. This is a problem in close relationships. There is a quality about you people tend to trust. They confide in you and generally feel better in your presence which has a kind of healing quality. Sometimes you tend to draw close relationships who originally came to see you for some sort of help or guidance.

You are guided far more by your spiritual ideals than by more material motivations. While intimate ties are important to you, if the other person didn't share your more cosmic goals, the relationship could not last. Your dreams often become realities.

Your parents' interests and emotional natures, while not in violent conflict, were so different it was hard to understand how they ever came together. You associate close relationships with both longing and loneliness and may be unclear about roles.

It's as if the emotional and rational sides of your nature take turns expressing themselves. You are either utterly detached and objective about a situation or so emotionally involved you have no perspective. You are not in touch with your feelings.

1:35 a.m. - 2005-12-23

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

12:54 a.m. - 2005-12-23
My randomness is back...
So...2 more days until Christmas? what the fuck, how did that sneak up on us? It doesn't feel like Christmas to me, but I think I said that last year, too. Everyone says this year was a fucked up year...and I'd probably have to agree somewhat, in terms of living situations, employment, and money matters. But, it's ok. In other ways, this year has been a great year, love-wise for me.

I am definitely sick. I don't remember having such a bad cold/cough/sinus infection thingie, I felt like I was gonna die yesterday and earlier today. But, now that I've bought some sizzyrrrup, I can at least stop sounding like a man with my scratchy ass voice. and Spam exchanged gifts tonight. She couldn't wait, and she already saw the fucking bag when she was in my room, so we said fuck it, and opened each other's presents. I got her underwear, and she got me candles. I used to have a serious collection of unique candles, but there were times (i.e. when our electricity was out because we didn't pay the bill because we were broke) that I sacrificed my cool candles for light. She's a sweetheart.

I swear to God, I'm a cookie making machine. I've never made so many dozens of cookies for Christmas before, but Tre had requests, and I had to oblige, because he's my baby. Tre is very much in the spirit this year, and because so, he requested to have Christmas at his house this year. Luckily, his mama agreed. I love those kids.

So my dreams keep freaking me out, especially one in which I dreamt of my future child. I know every detail of his face (we're talking months old, here), and I just can't get over it. It keeps showing up in my mind, and if I have a kid in the future and it looks like this child, I will freak the fuck out. I'm not sure if this dream is because I want a kid and my biological clock is ticking, or because it truly is what my future child will look like. I'm officially freaked out.

My next entry will probably be after the 25th, so Merry Chrismahanukwanzaakah!

8:37 p.m. - 2005-12-18
It's the Chargers, Bitches...

Birthday:March 3, 1982
Birthplace:San Francisco, CA
Current Location:uhhh, i wanna say San Diego, CA
Eye Color:light brown
Hair Color:dark brown
Right Handed or Left Handed:Left Handers are smarter.
Your Heritage:Guamanian and Whitey
The Shoes You Wore Today:white Nikes
Your Weakness:I shall not name my weaknesses, I shall keep the facade intact
Your Fears:being a Jane Doe, dying before I live
Your Perfect Pizza:The kind with cheese..and extra sauce...and thin crust..actually, any pizza is good, even bad pizza can be good.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:I have too many.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:uhhh..hi? dude? lol? uhhh..sucka?
Thoughts First Waking Up:what time is it?
Your Best Physical Feature:smile, hair, breasteses
Your Bedtime:I don't have a bedtime, I'm not 6.
Your Most Missed Memory:I have a lot of these, and they're mostly of my parents.
Pepsi or Coke:neither.
MacDonalds or Burger King:I guess mcdonalds...not really feeling fast food at the moment.
Single or Group Dates:people go on actual dates?
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:lipton? what kind of stupid question is this?
Chocolate or Vanilla:depends on what it is.
Cappuccino or Coffee:umm both?
Do you Smoke:uhhhh...yeah..
Do you Swear:motherfucker, no!
Do you Sing:I love to sing.
Do you Shower Daily:yeah? and I hope you do too.
Have you Been in Love:Yes.
Do you want to go to College:I've been to college.
Do you want to get Married:yes, eventually.
Do you belive in yourself:sometimes. I would like to more.
Do you get Motion Sickness:mmm, not really.
Do you think you are Attractive:sure.
Are you a Health Freak:hm, I don't think so.
Do you get along with your Parents:well...sure, I guess so..if they were alive.
Do you like Thunderstorms:I do indeed.
Do you play an Instrument:just a little piano.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:well whaddya know, I'm drinking alcohol as we speak.
In the past month have you Smoked:smoked....cigarettes? I'm smoking one now.
In the past month have you been on Drugs:uhhh..if I was, I can't remember. Actually, yes, once.
In the past month have you gone on a Date:nope. I don't know this "Date" thing you keep mentioning.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:yes, of course, it's December.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:woah, no way.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:hmm, not a big sushi fan, but I could have.
In the past month have you been on, i don't think so.
In the past month have you been Dumped:nope.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:in my shower stall, yes.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:I admit, I stole one of my sister's pepsi's..I'm sorry.
Ever been Drunk:of course.
Ever been called a Tease:mmmmmno?
Ever been Beaten up:never got my ass beat, no.
Ever Shoplifted:when i was 12.
How do you want to Die:peacefully, and when I'm 92?
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:If I knew that, I would be pursuing it right now.
What country would you most like to Visit:Italy, Spain, Australia, England, actually the whole continent of Europe, Mauritius, Brazil, Argentina, Guam (US), New Zealand, The United States Of America.
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:don't have one.
Favourite Hair Color:dark.
Short or Long Hair:short
Height:taller than me
Weight:I dunno? not stick thin?
Best Clothing Style:uhh, clean? oh wait, on the dude or on me? I'm so confused.
Number of Drugs I have taken:1.
Number of CDs I own:a lot.
Number of Piercings:2 (one hole per ear)
Number of Tattoos:1
Number of things in my Past I Regret:just a few.


1:01 p.m. - 2005-12-17
Happy Birthday Daddy
You would have been 53 today, and just as smart and handsome and hilarious as ever. I miss you and Mommy both.

Mariah's having a birthday party tonight (yes, one month after her actual birthday), and the girl passed out 65 flyers at school. I don't even wanna know who shows up tonight, but I I'm in charge of music. Really, I'm just going there for the food, high school kids annoy the hell out of me for the most part.

I've started to paint again. I haven't really planned out what I'm going to create, I'm just going with the flow of things. Usually, my best work happens when I don't plan it out, anyway. I haven't painted in over a year. It's helpful sometimes.

I got Samantha a little something for Christmas, which I didn't think I'd be able to do because of my brokeness, but my aunt gave me some money (she owed me money from before anyway), and I thought I'd put it to good use and get a gift for the girl. It's not a lot, but more than nothing. Christmas presents are weird for me and Sam. We were so used to getting a bunch of presents when my parents were alive, and then when they died, it kind of all of a sudden stopped. I think we both subconsciously wish for cool things for Christmas, but really never get our hopes up...

I'll finish the previous entry later.

5:19 p.m. - 2005-12-12
I need to move out. I can't take this anymore. This isn't healthy. I'm trapped here. I might say something bad if I stay here. I might yell at my own grandfather. I can feel it bubbling up inside of me, and I can only keep pushing it back down for so long. I'm shaking with anger right now. I'm 23 years old, what am I doing here? Why aren't I living on my own? Why do I need to be here? What was the purpose of staying here in the first place? It's all meaningless. Is there such a thing as "grounding" a 20 year old? I can't live like this. I want to leave. I need to leave. I'll live out on the street if I have to. At least I would be my own person, at least I would be free. I feel like I'm 14. This is pathetic, my grandfather threatening me. I'm not my sister's keeper. I hate this. We're not his daughters, and we're not little girls. I'll blow up at him if I don't get out of here soon. If I don't leave this house and cool off, I'll sock him, I swear. I'll scream at him, and that's not something I can control once I'm pissed off. I don't want to disrespect him like that. I need to go.

3:22 a.m. - 2005-12-12
I always forget this song, but when it comes on, I'm reminded how much this is exactly how I feel, and how I always want to feel...

If I should die this very moment
I wouldnít fear
For Iíve never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
Still in my heart this moment
Or it might burst
Could we stay right here
Until the end of time until the earth stops turning
Wanna love you until the seas run dry
Iíve found the one Iíve waited for

All this time Iíve loved you
And never known your face
All this time Iíve missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
Wanna stay right here
Until the end of time
ítil the earth stops turning
Gonna love you until the seas run dry
Iíve found the one Iíve waited for

The one Iíve waited for

All Iíve known
All Iíve done
All Iíve felt was leading to this

4:41 p.m. - 2005-12-09
The times we had hanging on my wall, I wouldn't trade them for gold
"My old friend, this song's for you
Cause a few simple verses
Was the least that I could do
To tell the world that you were here
Cause the love and the laughter
Will live long after
All of the sadness and the tears
We'll meet again, my old friend"

It's that time of the year again...

Sometimes I wonder about Christmas. It's the most bittersweet holiday for me, and I get somewhat depressed during this season every year. But, at the same time, I'm the kind of person that does really enjoy Christmas...I mean, I come from an extremely large family, it's hard to hate Christmas when your people are all around you, and I'll have you know, it's an awesome time when we all get together. Sometimes I'm in the spirit, and sometimes I want to just lay in bed and wait until the holiday is over. Isn't that weird?

I don't know if I just get naturally lonely during the month of December, or if I'm just missing my parents, or if it's because I'm a broke whore who wants more than anything to buy people presents and can't. I'm yearning for company a lot more, but at the same time, I feel like I should be left alone.

Christmas decorations make me happy, Christmas music does not. Baking holiday cookies with my babies makes me happy, not being able to buy them what they want for Christmas does not. Having my family around me makes me happy, not being with the one I love does not....

I think that's taking a toll on me, seriously. I'm getting more frustrated, because I feel like I should be with him. And, I want's getting worse everyday I talk to him. I talk to him, and I see his page with all his friends, and I just keep thinking that I should be there, being a part of his life. As of right now, I don't know where I stand in that department. He has a whole other life without me where he is, and I think I'm starting to get...not jealous...but I dunno..I just want to be there with him. I mean, I could go in a couple months, sure, but I know once I go it'll be even more heart wrenching when I come back home. It's getting tougher holding myself back, that's for sure.

I'll end this here...I don't even know if this entry makes sense, I feel like I need to say something important, but it's not coming out right, so I'm just rambling out my thoughts as they come to me, and they probably don't make sense to anyone but myself..I guess that's what a journal is for.

I'm going to Katrina's house for dinner for the 18th time this month.

2:43 p.m. - 2005-12-07
Suds In The Bucket
Things I've witnessed/discovered/realized this past week:

1) Chris can cook sorta.

2) 2 guys can fight over a metric ruler for 20 minutes and not get bored (chris and nick)

3) I tried on Chris' glasses and realized I might need some.

4) My sister's a whore (no she's not, but she could be)

5) My family loves me.

6) Maybe I'll be a teacher.

7) Sam can't drive. Though I've known this, it's something I'm reminded of everytime I ride in the car with her.

8) Vince just might have a shot at doing great things with his music.

9) I sound like I'm 15 on the radio.

10) I know what Sam wants for Xmas.

2:06 a.m. - 2005-11-29
Inside Of Love...
"only when we get to see
the aerial view
will the patterns show
we'll know what to do

I know the last page so well
i can't read the first
so i just don't start
it's getting worse

i wanna know what it's like
on the inside of love
i'm standing at the gates
i see the beauty the above
i wanna know what it's like
on the inside of love
i can't find my way in
i try again and again

i'm on the outside of love
always under or above
must be a different view
to be a me with a you..."

I realize more and more everyday, that I'm becoming a different person. I'm not sure how, exactly, all I know is that I'm not the same. I don't know when it started, or how it will eventually play out. In turn, I'm afraid during this process. Anything can happen, whether it be my worst nightmare, my lowest low, or that my childhood dreams will finally come true.

I'm blessed that I still have my faith. And, I don't usually use my faith very often, but I know I've always had it in me. And, now, more than ever, it shows up again during my most difficult, my most confusing, and my most profound, life-turning moments. I believe in so much. And my faith, along with my intuition, is going to be one of the keys in this. I know it. And I can say "I know it" because I have that faith with me.

I know it. And, I'm ready to start conquering this.

3:42 p.m. - 2005-11-28
my journal entry from one year ago today...
Tonight, we're the sea and the salty breeze
the milk from your breast is on my lips
and lovelier words from your mouth to me
when salt in my sweat and fingertips

Our hands they seek the end of afternoon
my hands believe and move over you

Tonight, we're the sea and
the rhythm there
the waves and the wind and night is black
tonight we're the scent of your
long black hair
spread out like your breath
across my back
Your hands they move like waves over me
beneath the moon, tonight, we're the sea


Created by gothany and taken 10 times on bzoink!

is your favorite band?jimmy eat world
do you love?I love many people.
do you want to marry?my future husband...far future.
do you want to have sex with?someone who's great at sex?
do you want to wake up next to in the morning?said person who's great at sex.
does your hair?I do.
is the last person you kissed?Samantha, on the cheek.
did you loose your virginity to?n/a.
do you work for?n/a.
is your biggest hero?I have many heroes.
is sitting next to you?Samantha, she's laying on the other couch.
is your best friend?Samantha, Katrina, Tara, Chris, Silas, Vince, Nick, Jason, etc.
do you think is the hottest person you know?eh. I dunno.
is your boyfriend/girlfriend.n/a.
are you wearing?drk blue jeans, black thin sweater, socks, panties, bra, earrings, a smile.
did you do today?went to lunch with trina, tara, sam; drove around, hung out, took a nap (not good), watched tv, ran a few errands.
are you listening to?my sister talking on the phone...annoying as hell.
did you eat for lunch?mexican food from tio leo's.
are you going to do tonight?chill.
are you going to be for halloween?? too early to tell.
is the color of your eyes?light brown.
and your hair?dark brown.
and your pubic hair?what the...
is your favorite word to use?reciprocate; a combination of swear words.
is your favorite song at the moment?kelly clarkson- "Break Away".
time is it?9:38 PM pacific
do you want to be when you grow up?happy and semi successful.
do you want to say to that special someone?What special someone??
did you last take a shower?this morning.
did you wake up this morning?what time? 10 i think.
did you go to sleep?around 2am.
is the last time you cried?can't remember.
is the last time you had sex?n/a.
is your birthday?march 3rd.
do you want to get married?when I'm in love and ready.
do you want to have kids?when I'm ready.
will you go to sleep tonight?probably late, i took a nap.
did you first have sex?n/a.
did you first get kissed?I was 6, playing house..ahh, those were the days.
do you normally shower.. morning, night?morning, always.
do you get happy?when the people around me are happy.
do you get sad?when I think about certain things too long.
is your house?in San Diego, CA
do you work?n/a.
are you from?California girl forever.
were you born?San Francisco, CA.
is your hand?on the keys.
is your foot?on the floor.
do you like to eat out?everywhere.
do you go shopping?at the stores.
are you parents?they're deceased.
are you siblings?my sister is right here next to me.
are you going to go on your honeymoon?fuck if i know...
are you going this summer?fuck if i know...
do you wish you could be right now?right where i am, or somewhere else.
is your mind?on completing this long ass survey.
is the world round?you mean the world isn't flat? are you sure?
is the sky blue?reflects the ocean.
are our teeth white?because we use whitening toothpaste.
do we kill?I have no idea. Because some of us are primitive in our ways.
is there animals?because we're all animals?
do you want to die?I don't. Not yet.
were you born?because my parents had sex without any protection. What were they thinking?
is there day and night?time must continue.
do we have to go to school?to expand our minds. It's a muscle, you know.
is there such thing as hate?humans are competitive and want to be better than everyone else.
do you look so sad?naturally pouty lips. Don't worry, i'm not really sad.

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9:02 p.m. - 2005-11-23
Thanksgiving 2005 List
I'm thankful for:

1) The great fucking food that will be served tomorrow afternoon. I'm ready.

2) For my sister, who is still healthy (her latest doctor's appt. confirms this).

3) For the many flavors of Gatorade.

4) Just having my own room. It's been awhile.

5) For John Mayer and his music...that also goes for Prince...and Jeff Buckley...(and just music in general.)

6) I'm thankful for my incredible family, who have looked after my sister and me for over 10 years now. There is no other family like ours.

7) Mascara and lip gloss. Nuff Said.

8)I'm grateful that I'm alive, and I have a place to live.

9) For every form.

10) And last but not least, for the one I love.

Thank You..

So I was going through my files on my computer, and i came across a bunch of poems that I wrote a long time ago...What's weird is that I don't remember saving my poems from my old skool computer...I seriously can't recall doing it...well, here's a poem I wrote when I was 16:

We're all looking for angels,

with glowing, glistening wings

to mend our torn hearts and souls,

to save us from the hurtful things...

We're all searching for someone,

ringing tiny, chiming bells

to erase all the despair and pain,

that we inflict upon ourselves...

We're all wanting to fly,

gracefully slicing through the air

to act out the act of freedom,

that we never noticed was there...

We're all trying to change,

so much like a chameleon's skin

to throw away any sign of the past,

anticipating a better life to begin...

We're all wishing for angels,

on billions of shimmering stars

to keep us from our destruction,

to help us find who we really are...

11:50 a.m. - 2005-11-23
Sun In Pisces
The flowering of compassion, through your ability to merge on a feeling level and to empathize with all, is a key theme for you in this lifetime. This propensity to share others' emotional experience has both its blessings and its deficits. At your finest, Alissandra, you have a deeply-felt understanding of human nature which goes beyond words or intellect, and which enables you to forgive others' misdeeds and make allowances for their weaknesses. You are acutely aware of others' pain, including the emotional wounds and brokenness they carry within, and your ability to listen with an understanding heart and to unconditionally accept people as they are can be a healing influence in their lives. You are inclined to exclude nobody. At a deep level you feel and know your oneness with all creatures, and thus every snail in the garden or stray cat is part of your "heart's family".

However, this same all-embracing emotional/psychic openness and receptivity can be the source of some of your greatest challenges in life. It is easy for you to become overwhelmed by the world and its sorrows, and to seek some form of escape from it and from your own extreme sensitivity; for instance, over using drugs or alcohol to alter your mood, or retreating from life into the unreal world of television or other diversions. You may simply withdrawing into your own private fantasies to avoid confronting the challenges in the physical world. At its worst this tendency can devolve into evasiveness and playing ostrich "about important issues in your life". While your imagination and your sensitivity are the well spring of some of your richest experiences and gifts, if over indulged you may become passive, ineffectual, lost or confused. Especially when young, Alissandra, you may lack a strong sense of self, of definition and identity, because on a feeling level you identify with others so easily. It can be difficult for you to separate yourself, to know what your boundaries are, when to say no or how to stand up for your own personal interests. Since you are not narrowly focused on self, others may take advantage of your natural generosity and sympathy. Learning and incorporating the concepts of discrimination and clear judgment will enable you to give of yourself in ways that are healthy for you and the ones you are giving to.

10:42 p.m. - 2005-11-21
Say Yes...

Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover

You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires.
And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek.
You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships.
It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.

You're an Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity
You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off
And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave
When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

You Are 40% Boyish and 60% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.
Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.
You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.
You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a multi dimensional wonderland, with many layers.
You're the type that always has multiple streams of though going.
And you can keep these thoughts going at any time.
You're very likely to be engaged in deep thought - and deep conversation.

You Are 50% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird...
But too damn weird to do anything about it!

9:45 p.m. - 2005-11-21
Snow can wait, I forgot my mittens
"I get a little warm in my heart when I think of winter
I put my hand in my fatherís glove

I run off where the drifts get deeper
Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice íyou must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I canít always be aroundí

He says when you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast"

12:08 a.m. - 2005-11-21
I Carry Your Heart
carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

130 Random Questions
When was the last time you cried?:mmm, a couple days ago.
Have you ever faked sick?:when I was little? sure, though I didn't need to, my mom would let me stay home anyway.
What was the last lie you said?:whew, i dunno.
Have you ever cried during a movie?:of course.
Who was the last person you couldn't take your eyes off of?:my niece, Isabella...She's too damn cute.
Have you ever danced in the rain?:no, but I do everything else.
Have you ever been drunk?:of course.
Have you ever tried tried drugs?:drugs? weed, sure.
Do you smoke?:yes.
What's the farthest you've ever gone on a dare?:I can't remember, I'm not 13 anymore.
What is your full name?:psh, Alissandra something something.
What is your blood-type?:A positive.
Have you ever been in a car accident?:yeah, but not a serious one.
How old were you when you recieved your first kiss?:6 (we were playing house)
Who was your first kiss?:I can't remember his name now, jeez.
Have you ever had an online relationship?:hm.
Have you ever had phone-sex?:uh yeah.
Have you ever been rejected by a crush?:no, because that would mean I actually went for it.
What is your favourite sport to play?:basketball, volleyball, badminton? iowno.
Have you ever made a prank phone call?:not really.
Have you ever said "I Love you" and not meant it?:no.
What's your favourite childhood memory?:my sister being born, my mother singing to me, my father playing b-ball w/ me.
Is there anything that you have done that you regret?:talking back to my mother.
What do you want to be when you grow up?:I have no clue.
What is your political persuassion?:persuasion...and blah to that question.
Have you ever had cybersex?:i's wack.
Do you believe in g-d?:g-d? do you mean...god? when did that become a bad word? yes, i do.
Do you believe in love at first sight?:i believe in infatuation at first sight.
Do you believe in karma?:yes.
Who was your first crush?:a boy in kindergarten.
Who do yo uhave a crush on?:i don't have a crush.
How would you describe yourself?:eclectic, quiet, mysterious, but friendly and sweet.
What are you afraid of?:I could go on all day here.
Are you religious?:to a certain extent...not like I used to be.
What does your screen name mean?:it's my name...
What person do you trust the most?:my family.
Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend?:umm..preschool count as first?
What is the best compliment you have ever recieved?:I think I block out compliments..I get embarassed.
What is the meanest thing anyone has said about you?:I don't really get those much.
What is the longest crush/relationship you have had?:I had a crush on a boy in elementary school up until I was I guess that's like..8!
What is your greatest strength?:good question...being able to listen to others and help them any way I can...
What is your greatest weakness?:fear.
What is your perfect pizza?:lots of cheese and sauce? i dunno, almost all pizza is pretty fucking great.
What is your first thought when waking up in the morning?:what time is it?
What is your first thought before you go to bed?:I need to turn off the light.
What college do you want to go to?:n/a
Do you get along with your family?:yes.
Do you play any instruments?:just piano by ear.
What kind of music do you like?:all kinds.
Do you think you're attractive?:sometimes.
Would you ever get a tattoo?:I have a tattoo.
How many piercings do you have?:2, one hole per ear.
Who makes you laugh?:the people I love.
Who would you want to be tied to for 24hours?:my lover?
Have you ever seen a dead body?:yes, dear, I have.
Do you have a celebrity crush?:I have many.
What is one thing scientists should invent?:? i dunno.
Have you ever broken a bone?:nope.
What happens after you die?:you relax.
Do you watch or read the news?:once in awhile.
What stereotype would you label yourself as being?:? i wouldn't.
Would your friends agree with that stereotypic label?:they would agree that i wouldn't, sure.
If yo ucould change your name, what would you change it to?:I wouldn't.
If you could go back in time to one point in your life, where would you go:moving out into my own apt.
If you could change anything about yourself, what would you change?:not sure...
Have you ever gone skinny dipping?:no...i don't recall, actually.
Have you ever played strip poker?:no.
Would you ever lie to someone to make them feel good about themselves?:maybe.
What do you want your friends to think about you?:that I was a cool person to hang out with.
Whats the biggest argument you've ever gotten into?:I've gotten into quite a few.
HAve you ever bitten someone?:no.
When's your birthday?:3/3/82
Have you ever stolen anything?:yes...and have gotten caught..oy
Do you make wishes on shooting stars?:i used to..i can't remember the last time I saw one.
Whats the most you've ever eaten in one sitting?:i think like 8 slices of pizza...i have no clue.
If you could go back and change one day, what would it be?:i don't think i would.
Do you remember your dreams?:sometimes.
Have you ever been in love?:yes.
Are you a morning person or a night person?:night.
Do you have any phobias?:i have a hospital phobia, and i have a phobia of being a jane doe, meaning, something happening to me and no one can identify me.
What's the meanest thing you've ever done to someone?:can't recall.
Have you ever been to the hospital (other then birth?:uh, i was practically raised in a hospital..just not for me.
How many screen names do you have?:like 3, i dunno.
Do any medical problems run in your family?:fuck yes.
Have anyone ever been disowned from your family?:fuck no!
Have you ever had a nightmare?:of course.
Do you say meaner things to your friends or your enemies?:enemies.
Would you ever participate in a threesome?:i don't think i can.
Would you ever pay for a prostititue?:nah.
Have you ever mooned or flashed someone?:mmm, not entirely, no.
Have you ever cheated on your bf/gf?:nope.
Have you ever laughed so hard you peed in your pants?:wow, no...but i've laughed pretty hard.
Have you ever written a love letter?:yes.
Have you ever attempted suicide?:nope.
Do you prefer boxers or briefs?:i wear panties, but on guys, i guess boxers?
Have you ever been in a fistfight?:with my sister once, but i'd hardly call it a fist fight.
Do you have any hidden talents?:they're not hidden, dear.
What is one thing you want me to know about you?:i like chocolate milk.
What is one question you wouldn't want me to ask?:something about my parents.
Do you usually prefer books or movies?:both.
Who is your favourite person to talk to?:Carl.
Who is always able to cheer you up when you're sad?:my people.
Would you ever have sex before marriage?:yep.
Who do you talk to most on the phone?:Carl.
Do you have a secret that yo'ure ashamed of?:mmmm nope.
Do you prefer british or american spelling of words?:american.
Have you ever gotten detention?:hell yes.
How do you vent your anger?:smoking, singing, writing, listening to music.
Have you ever been on a diet?:sure.
Would you ever date someone younger than you? Older than you?:younger no, older yes.
Is your best friend a virgin?:no?
What's a rumor someone has spread about you?:none, i don't think.
What's the kinkiest thing you could ever actually see yourself as doing?:what?
What's the meanest thing anyone has ever done to you?:i dunno, dude...too many fucking questions.
What's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you?:there's a lot.
Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness?:no way.
Have you ever cut yourself on purpose?:no way!
Have you ever wanted to murder someone?:murder? i dunno..physically harm someone without killing them? yes.
Have you ever hated someone?:yes, but it's very rare.
Do you prefer talking on the phone or online?:phone.
Do you consider yourself popular?:eh, not really.
Would you ever tell the person you have a crush on that you like them?:nope.
Have you ever had a crush on an enemy?:nope.
Have you ever had a crush on a best friend?:nope.
What is your favourite book?:i don't have one.
Do you have a collection of anything?:fortune cookie fortunes...candles...uh, i'll get back to you.
Are you happy with the person you are becoming?:sometimes.
Are you a different person now then you were 5 years ago?:yeah, i think so.
What do you see yourself as being in 5 years from now?:married.
Are you happy with the life you have?:i have no clue yet.
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7:22 p.m. - 2005-11-13
One More Day...
So I hung out with Chris a lot this weekend. Actually, it was just a day, but I miss chillin' with him. In all honesty, he's my best guy friend. I don't know how many times we've gone to each other with problems, either with relationships, or when we want to reflect on life.

Last night, Chris wanted me to hear some songs by these up-and-coming unsigned artists that he's planning on producing. One song really touched me, because as I was listening to the lyrics, it made me think of the guy in my life. I don't know, it just made me think a lot, and when I came home, I knew I had to download it..I mean, this song doesn't even have a hook, but it's so emotional...

"As I walk along the lonely street, and i'm overcome with all my fears....I take my sleeve and I wipe my cheek, and in that instant I have no more tears. So why do I still hurt? Maybe everything that I know is wrong. I never wanted to be gone this long. I close my eyes, and all I see is you, but everyday you lose a shade or two. And time will bring you back to me. So, I guess I'll wait for one more day...

Seems so long, what if one more day is not enough? Wait a year, and then you're still not here. You'll find someone and fall so deep in love, and while i'm waiting you'll just disappear...Then I...i'll still hurt. Sometimes I let my worries get the best of me, when I know inside they'll never be. Can't help but think what time will do, when I'm so far away from you...One more day. I don't know if I can go one more day.

Yes, I'll go one more day..."

1:56 p.m. - 2005-11-06
Castles Made Of Sand Melts Into The Sea...
So I haven't posted in a short while..I might as well.

My grandfather is pushing me to get a job more now than ever. And, I totally understand, I just can't find something that I want to do here. I hate having to do jobs that I can't stand, and then I feel like i've wasted my time with a minimum wage paying job, struggling for so little money when im working my ass off. I'll have to do something though. Why couldn't Temecula be the center of all that is industrial? It's nothing but a gigantic restaurant.

So, Tara, for a nice change, came up here to visit with her people. I hung out with her, Samantha, Jason, and Nick, and eventually Katrina. It was just another day spent, proving ourselves to be the biggest dorks on earth.

The highlight of the DorkFest? Nick coming down the stairs of the house, wearing a viking's cap, a trash bag with holes cut out for his arms, and a sword that matched the viking's hat tied together with a belt. I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard. Nick is the most random person I have ever known, seriously.

Got pictures from the vegas wedding back, and they're decent. I have this one picture of Angel and Nathan standing at the alter, and Angel is kissing Nathan's hand because she just put the ring on his finger....It's a great photo. (sigh)

Why are Andes Mints so divine? I think they could possibly be my favorite candy, and in reality, it's just an after dinner mint. Granted, it's a luscious, smooth, heavenly chocolate and mint confection packed into one little thin morsel. I get a box of them every christmas.

3:34 a.m. - 2005-10-28
Where Do You Go When You're Lonely, I'll Follow You...
I can't stop crying...And, it's killing me.

I can't believe the things I do sometimes. What's sad is that I'm not even aware that I do it. Maybe I do live in a dreamworld, an imaginary place filled with hopes and wishes, where I know I'm destined for great things, but because of my neverending fear, they'll never amount to anything. I know, deep in my heart that it doesn't have to be that way. That my dreamworld can actually exist, and yet I can't keep myself together long enough so that I could make it come true....

Or, maybe that's just me dreaming again, and reality can never really be what I want it to be.

I want to change. I want to be better. I want to give him everything he wants, what I want. We want the same thing. I just don't know if he knows that. I yearn for it. I crave it. I want to be confident enough to have it. That is my wish.

I haven't been able to sleep. My appetite is non-existent. I've had a pounding headache non-stop for the past few days now. I keep shaking my head, hoping that whatever is keeping me, whatever is making me cry, will somehow magically go away. Does he know that I really do need him? That I want him more than any person I've ever wanted in my entire life? That he gives me something. I don't know what it is, but whatever he gives me, it's something I've been deprived of.

I feel like I'm being eaten alive, withering away until there's nothing left but my soul, and in the end, my soul will have no one to go to. I can feel myself literally draining. I feel like I could fall asleep and not wake up just as I'm writing this. I'm losing my grip, I know it. The more I worry, the more I slip away, the more he slips away, the less I think I'm worth holding onto.

I need to stop crying.

11:58 p.m. - 2005-10-27
Put your heart in my hands, and I promise I won't hurt you...
Dominant Personality: Understanding

Good Traits: You gravitate towards people,
and are a shoulder to lean on. You give advice
at any given time.

Bad Traits: You aren't close with any one
person. You immerse yourself in other people's
problems and forget your own.

People see you as: Friendly, secretive, and
popular. People envy you, and may try and use
you as a tool

You're most like: Grace. You both have
positive relationships with people. Neither of
you have close friends, but unlike graceful
people, you try to help people out and aren't
as arrogant.

You need more: Solitude. You hardly get the
chance to breathe when you take on the world's
problems. You can't take other's
responsibilities or put them before your own.
Be selfish once in a while and discover who you
really are.

What's your dominant trait? (10 unique results)
brought to you by Quizilla

2:30 p.m. - 2005-10-25
Tell Me All Your Secrets And Your Torments...

how old do you feel:I'm 23, but I feel like im 18.
where were you on september 11th, 2001:School, until they canceled the rest of my classes.
what do you believe is the meaning of life:To give love and have it recycle into other relationships. You love, make love, have babies, give them love, and they pass it on.
why is the sky blue:reflects the ocean?
what is your favorite thing to cook:I can cook anything, I'm a culinary artist.
you have only a dollar to your name...what do you buy:just a buck? 100 pieces of penny candy.
what would your last meal be:wow, I don't know...that's a tough question.
what is the youngest age you have memories of:2, almost 3 years sister being born.
what is your favorite thing in the world:thing? a material possession? I'm afraid I don't have anything of that sort.
have you ever punched someone on purpose:yes.
do you know what color chartreuse is close to:yellow?
did you like garbage pail kids:i thought they were gross, but funny.
why do we have daylight savings time:fuck if i know.
what living person would you want to meet:yeah, i could really care less.
what dead person:same as above.
where in the world would you live if you could:wherever my love and my family are.
who is your favorite artist:what kind of artist? I have a lot of favorites.
who has had the most influence on you (good or bad):my family, both good and bad.
what is your favorite dessert:I don't usually eat dessert, but if it's around, I'll take a bite or two of anything.
do you know your personality type (the 16 type profiles):no, i don' do i figure this out? give me a link or something!
what age is your favorite so far in your life:my favorite age?? i dunno, 18-22?
can you make cookies from scratch:i can, and i shall.
was the chicken first or the egg:the egg.
hershey or nestle:chocolate is chocolate.
night out or night in:depends who im with, and whether or not i'm dying to get out of the house.
single forever with a great family or no family and your soulmate:this is a dumb question. I believe I can have both.
what is your favorite scented candle:? another dumb question...the kind that smells good.
what type of underwear do you prefer:type? bikini briefs, i guess..i dunno.
do you ever wear a wife beater:no?
if you could live in a store which one would it be:hmmm...a store that has bedding, food, tv, clothes? what is that, a walmart or a target?
can you eat a dozen donuts in one sitting:fuck no..i don't even like donuts that much to begin with.
what is your favorite curse word:FUCK...fucking ay.
your favorite regular word:reciprocate.
have you ever read/tried to read the bible:i have tried, yes.
have you ever heard of yahoo serious:yahoo serious? what the hell is that?
who do you dislike most in the world:ignorant people.
what is your ideal date:if it's someone i love, we can do anything we damn well please.
would you rather marry a deaf or blind person:doesn't matter.
what is your favorite shape:shape? who the hell wrote this shit? diamond? heart? i don't know.
can you eat just one chip:probably not.
where is the farthest you've ever been from home:Germany and France.
what is your desktop background:some purple flower.
what song do you identify with most:I have numerous songs that I identify with at any given time.
which movie do you wish was your life:none.
has someone ever intentionally put food on you:put food on me where? I guess..that could have happened, i don't know.
what color is your favorite:green and blue and purple.
what color do you feel represents you:? green and blue and purple?
do you believe in God:Yes.
have you ever broken a bone:No.
have you ever shut someone's fingers in a door:if that someone is me, then yes.
would you rather be honest/poor or a liar/rich:I don't think I can lie and like myself.
what is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten and hated:I hate a lot of foods..onions are one.
what is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten and liked:Unagi (eel sushi)
what is your ideal ice cream creation:im not much of an ice cream person..but i'll have some if you have it.
if you could marry someone from a movie (the character not actor) then who:John Cusack's character in "Say Anything"...his role in that made me love John Cusack.
what is your favorite thing to do:hang out with my people.
what is your favorite junk food:hmmm...I have a lot.
what is the longest you've gone without talking to anyone:a long time, when I hated life at 12.
what is your favorite board game:I'm ready for any board game.
your favorite book:Weeping Willow, by Ruth White.
do you know how to change a tire:Yes, and I have.
would you consider yourself a geek:I would consider myself a dork (there's a difference)
what movie could you watch over and over again:The Breakfast Club.
have you ever eaten paste:uh no.
have you ever gone to the bathroom in front of someone:my sister when we were little?
what is your ideal halloween costume:I don't dress up much.
what toy have you always wanted and never gotten:I wanted Lite Brite as a, I realize, that's a pretty boring toy.
what item could you not go without during the day:cell phone, wallet.
do you consider yourself a smart person:Most of the time.
have you ever peed in a pool:when I was a little kid, probably.
who was your first crush:Pre-school, some boy.
who was your first love:real love?
do you close your eyes when you listen to music:sometimes, yes.
how old were you when life was the hardest:between the ages of 9-15.
do you eat the burnt chips:not if I can help it.
do you still have your baby blanket:I never really had a baby blanket.
is there anything you HAVE to do everyday:brush my teeth?
do you curse in front of family:I do, just not my grandparents.
what is your favorite tv show ever:ever of all time? I can't recall.
if you had to get back with and ex who would it be:none.
when was the last time you felt truly loved by someone:right now.
what character trait would you change about yourself:fear of the unknown.
3 wishes... go (no world peace. things that are possible):To have a car, to have a job, and to have love.
have you ever passed out:I don't think so, no.
have you ever slapped yourself in the face:playing around in front of people? sure.
have you been in a car accident that was your fault:nope.
you have to give up 1 of your 5 senses (smell, touch, sight, sound, taste:who says I have to give up anything?
favorite line from a song:I won't always love what I'll never have, I won't always live in my regret.
favorite line from a movie:there's too many.
what do you do when the power goes out:i grab a lighter.
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You've been totally Bzoink*d

4:03 a.m. - 2005-10-14
These arms of mine are longing to hold you (cwm)...
Yeah, so what that it's 4 in the morning and I can't fall asleep...I must admit that for awhile I was going to sleep much earlier (and by much earlier, i'm thinking between 2:30am and 4:00am), but as of right now, while my new life is in temecula, I can't fall asleep.

A little bit more about that crazy, exciting place that we call Temecula (can you sense the sarcasm?).

---I basically live in the middle of nowhere. It's a long road full of grocery stores and restaurants, while going east(or west or south or north, I really don't know my directions at this point) is a little town called Winchester. Technically, I live in Winchester,New Winchester, but the Old Winchester scares me. I had to drive up to the Old area to pick up my final check (yes, I quit my job to move here) and the town was the smallest town I'd ever been to. I might as well had stopped in a ghost town on the way to vegas. It had ONE, count 'em, ONE stoplight, and the post office was basically a house that you'd miss in the blink of an eye. I can't believe people actually live there.

So, I drove up to Las Vegas to attend Nathan and Angel's wedding. And, they got married by the Elvis impersonator that is famed for having plastic surgery on MTV's "I Want A Famous Face". It was surreal, but the wedding was funny and entertaining. It's exactly something Nathan and Angel would do.

The reception was 50 or so people in the honeymoon suite (very very big suite, I must say) in the Aladdin (where I saw Prince in concert, mind you) and it was a private and relaxing affair. I had a great time at the pseudo-reception. They had their first dance to Otis Redding's "These Arms Of Mine", which is one of my favorite songs of all time. Nathan, the Greaser that he is, had only old skool music playing all night long. I only wish them the best.

My room is finally how I want it to be...and the only reason I actually did it was because the cable guy came the other day to hook up my cable modem in my room. Naturally, I didn't want him to think "dear god, this girl actually sleeps in here?", so I cleaned up a bit and lugged the rest of my furniture from the garage into my room. It looks decent.

I want to say that I got rid of my computer's viruses/spyware/adware/malware/fucking asshole/trojan programs that fuck up my computer, but I don't want to jinx's clean now, but you know how relentless and determined those things are. If it shows up again tomorrow, I'm throwing my laptop against my wall.

Time for bed.

10:46 p.m. - 2005-10-06
Love...So many things Iíve got to tell you. But Iím afraid I donít know how, because thereís a possibility youíll look at me differently. Love...Ever since the first moment I spoke your name, from then on, I knew that by you being in my life, things were destined to change...

Cause Love...So many people use your name in vain. Love...Those have faith in you sometimes go astray. Love through all the ups and downs the joy and hurt. Love...For better or worse, I still will choose you first.

Many days Iíve longed for you, wanting you, hoping for the chance to get to know you, longing for your kiss...For your touch, your feel, your essence. Many nights,Iíve cried from the things you do, felt like I could die from the thought of losing you. I know that youíre real, with no doubts and no fears
And no questions.

Cause Love...So many people use your name in vain. Love...Those have faith in you sometimes go astray. Love through all the ups and downs the joy and hurt. Love...For better or worse, I still will choose you first.

At first you didnít mean that much to me,but now I know that youíre all I need. The world looks so brand new to me. Now that I found love, everyday I live for you, and everything that I do.
I do it for you. What I say is how I feel, so believe itís true...You got to know Iím true...

Cause Love...So many people use your name in vain. Love...Those have faith in you sometimes go astray. Love through all the ups and downs the joy and hurt. Love...For better or worse, I still will choose you first.

8:47 p.m. - 2005-09-27
Let Me Love You Down...
~~~This was the last survey i had taken on diaryland..i used to take them all the time, and eventually forgot about them...then today i started reading all of the ones that i've filled out on here in the past(yeah, i did a lot, it's crazy) and this one was filled out....mmmm...maybe 7 or 8 months ago, i think.

description: This is the ultimate end-all, be-all of surveys. After you take this survey, you will need no more survey taking.

Here are alissandra33's answers:

1. Who are you? How did you get here?
Where were you on the night of June 4th, 1999? (all)

I'm Alissandra, my parents screwed without protection and that was the birth of me. june 4, 1999, i have no clue..prolly doing nothing.

2. What is the last thing you ate? Was it good? (all)

I cream, and it was decent.

3. Why are you so fucking melancholy all the time? (all)

because i can be?

4. Why are you so fucking happy all the time? (all)

you've got the wrong person..I think i'm pretty balanced.

5. You're walking down the street, it's late. A skinny, nervous man with desperation in his eyes and holes in his teeth offers to sell you an expensive bicycle for $20. what do you do? (all)

I give him the 20 bucks without taking the bike..tell him to use it.

6. Does your back hurt? (all)

not right now, no.

7. What do you hate most about George W Bush? (all)

that he's still our president.

8. What is your favorite Beer? Favorite kind of sushi? Favorite beer to drink with sushi? (all)

corona w/ lime and salt, no sushi i prefer teriyaki something.

9. I have time to read one more book before I die. You get to choose which book it should be. What should I read? (all)

I don't have one for you..I'd rather not choose the last book, u should choose for yourself, u dying and all.

10. What are you listening to? Do you really like that crap? Are you singing along to it? I command you to dance. (all)

right now i'm listening to elliot smith "a fond farewell", it's decent, though im not singing along, and it's not the type of song to dance to.

11. Are you dancing? (all)


12. It Jeopardy time. You provide the questions, got it? (all)

okay, got it.

13. The mating rituals of pandas. (all)

what is fucking?

14. A bucket of blood. (all)

what is the movie "Carrie"?

15. 12, but 3 of them weren't real. (all)

what are.....fuck if i know?

16. Back, and to the left. (all)

what are the directions to my house?

17. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, the early years. (all)

who are the two people that shoulda been lovers?

18. A drop of semen and an uncomfortable expression. (all)

what is an orgasm?

19. "I just farted." (all)

thanks for the update. It's greatly appreciated.

20. Jeopardy time is over. Why aren't you dancing? (all)

not dancing music..gotta wait for another song.

21. I'm not really going to die after all. What else should I read? (all)

fuck if i know.
22. In case you haven't told me yet, what is your gender, age, location, and favorite porn site? If you've already told me, you can take this opportunity to make yourself a sandwich. (all)

female, 23, san diego, cali, i read erotic stories, and i'm not really hungry enough to get off my ass and make a sandwhich.

23. So, you're making a sandwich, and you have a choice between rye or sourdough bread, when all of a sudden a crazed zombie pirate with rabies jumps out of nowhere and demands your lunchmeats. You contemplate giving him your precious meats, but then you notice a baseball bat at your hip. what do you do? (all)

this wouldn't happen to me, because i didn't get up to make the sandwhich..good thing too, sounds bad.

24. What's your best pick-up line? Does it really work? Do you have the illegitimate children to prove it? (all)

i don't do pick up lines.. I have "cmere, i wanna fuck you so bad" stares...and yes, they work.

25. I've never seen a sunset. Would you describe one for me? (all)

ur on crack, but okay. painted hues of orange, pink, red, yellow, purple, blended together so well, you don't know where one color begins and the other ends. it really is all about the lighting.

26. So, seen any good bukkake lately? (all)

no comprendo.

27. When's the last time you helped a friend move? (all)

a few weeks ago.

28. How many states, provinces, and/or countries have you visited? (all)

7 states, 4 countries.

29. Suppose you're given an extra hour in every day, but you have to do the same thing in that hour every day. What are you going to do with it? (all)


30. Should there really be a question 30? (all)
i think not.

2:23 p.m. - 2005-09-25
So whatís come over me...
"Itís not supposed to feel this right Whatís come over me
Cause suddenly...I canít breathe"

I haven't written about anything significant in a very long time. You would think that everything in my life is significant, and that someone like me wouldn't fill her journal with irrelevant words. But 80% of the time, it's all filler. This entry definitely isn't filler.

I've been realizing a lot of things lately. And, usually, my revelations come sooner than later...but I know I tend to push them away, to ignore them, until the crucial moment where I have to make an excruciating decision, and though I know it's not right to do this, for some reason I can't keep myself from doing it. Because that's me. I need to be reprogrammed or something.

This is serious.

I've always believed, that I could never love someone besides the built-in family i've had my whole life. And, I don't mean just being able to say "I Love You", I mean truly, unconditionally love someone. I never thought of myself as capable of having that, either because of my past, or my fears, or I just have no idea...because I never thought myself strong enough, or worthy enough.

To say "I Love You" is one thing, and though I don't take the phrase lightly to begin with, to say it, think it, breathe it, with absolute conviction of everything I've ever had faith in, is something else. And, I think I've found, I know I've found that. For me to even know is truly beyond comprehension. I can't describe anything that I'm feeling. My voice and my mind catches because the feeling is that intense. I've never had that before.

And then I go and fuck it up. Why? Because I can't stop myself from doing it. I want to stop myself from doing it, but I can't seem to find the right way. You would think because I have that magical, almost non-existent, special love that I'm feeling, I would be able to overcome my fuck-ups. And, somehow, I can't. And, it's not even really explainable, either, which is the most fucked up part of it all. I can't explain it.

Any other guy, any other man in the world, and I would just have let go by now. Because that's my nature, that's what I've been doing this whole entire time. And, this time I can't. This is stronger. I feel like I'm caught in limbo, too scared to back up because I'll lose what I never thought I could have, and too scared to go forward, because my fears have that ability to immobilize me.

So many things have come and gone in my life, that it seems like society has taught me that nothing is stable. I would love to be stable once again. But I know nothing stays the same. Everything changes. But, why do I have to have such a hard time with change?

I love everything about him. I feel like I know him, but I don't at the same time. When I talk to him, it's a combination of comfort, bewilderment, desire, awe, happiness, and sadness, melting together into this solid emotion that doesn't make sense, but goes together perfectly. And, I want to keep it forever. I want to bundle it up and hide it from everyone and everything because I don't want to lose it. I don't need anymore loss.

And, at the pace we've been going, somewhere along the way I became disoriented. I got lost in the moment, even the bad moments, because it's new, because I've never had it, and because I know now it's mine.

And then, it's too late to turn back. I've gone too far, my emotions have been wrung to the point where...I don't want anyone else. I can't think of anything else. I can't sleep until I hear his voice. And, I used to laugh at that sort of thing with other girls. I thought they were stupid, letting themselves get so attached that sleep deprivation kicks in? It sounds so ridiculous... And, now that's me...

I guess that's enough writing for now...I wanted to be cleansed, to put my thoughts out there, and now that I'm stopping, I realize it's not even the tip of what I'm thinking and feeling. I want to stop worrying myself sick about this. I want to be healthy and happy. I just need to convince myself that I can be that way.

But, I do know that I love him....

8:17 p.m. - 2005-09-16
You never looked so good, as you did last night, underneath the city lights...

?? Which Alcoholic Drink Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Content love
You will have a Content love. Not
boring, but without fights and problems. You
will just... be in love. Simple as that. As a
person, your not the one who laughs highest or
most often, nor the one in the dark corner
crying. You are the one who sits watching
everyone else, often with a little smile
playing on your lips. To you, life is good and
you will get what you wish for. You will fall
for someone who is himself, and lets you be

Please rate aaaaand... eat chocolate bars?
*cough*rate*cough* ^^

What Love are you Fated for? ~AWESOME anime pics!~
brought to you by Quizilla

7:13 p.m. - 2005-09-15
but I got her eyes....
"a mama's child am I
She's blessed with grace
& is smooth as a line
& when I shade
she helps me shine
& she comes to me
when there's nothing
I believe & holds me so high
yes I am free "

Yeah, I haven't written in here in awhile... I will be moving this weekend..I think. It kinda sucks that I think im moving and I don't actually KNOW that im moving this weekend...But I'm pretty sure. I should be exactly sure.

Gas is killing me, and now that I'll be moving 45 min away from my workplace and i'll have to commute, I'm basically committing suicide. Luckily, it's temporary...yes, temporary. I'm convincing myself.

Saving money for a new car. That's the goal. And, then afterwards, saving money to move out again. Wish me luck.

Nathan and Angel's wedding is in a few weeks. October 6th..or 8th, I can't remember which day. I'll try to take the day off for that...or trade...who knows. How come everyone I know gets married in Vegas? I go to a Vegas wedding at least a couple times a year. I will NOT be getting married in Vegas, though I will have fun spending time on the strip while visiting. Where will we stay? Note to self: find out what hotel we'll be staying at. It's important info.

I miss the internet...How pathetic does that sound? I miss television and internet. I can't remember the last time I watched tv. How sad. Sad that I also missed the John Mayer concert here in San Diego...and I think there's one tonight in LA. It's alright, I'll catch up with him some other time.

12:11 a.m. - 2005-08-25
Honey I tried to tell him, that you were the marrying kind.

Quick Fun Survey

Created by nellysxderrty and taken 66 times on Bzoink

Thing you thought of when you woke up this morning:I have to go to the bathroom.
Thing you said today:Hey.
person you saw today:Mariah, my baby...i miss her.
song you heard today:I think it was Alicia Keys "If I Ain't Got You"
CD in you CDPLAYER right now:A mix cd...and it's not even mine.
AM or FM:FM, AM if the game is on, or if I want to hear some talk radio crap.
Radio station your CDPLAYER is on right now:uh, none.
Music channel you watch the most:none.
Favorite music video:Not sure..probably something from the 80's.
Favorite song:too many to name.
Favorite cd:same as favorite song.
Grade Level:Yeah, I'm not in any grade. I've surpassed high school.
School name:n/a
Do you enjoy school:sure, school's alright.
Want to go to college:I've already been to college.
Funniest thing you have done:I do a lot of funny things, and not on purpose, usually.
Can you surf:no, but it would be cool if i could.
Like to shop:when I have money, sure.
One thing you want to learn:to play guitar.
State a little known fact about yourself:I love chocolate milk. It's grand.
CD you purchased:I think it was Zero 7...I actually can't remember.
Thing you ate:some cookies from the vending machine.
Thing you said:Hey.
Fight you had:it was with the little sis...and it was a big one, though meaningless now.
Fun Thing You Did:went out for tri-tri's birthday..oy vey.

Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to Bzoink

6:46 p.m. - 2005-08-24
So let consequence do what it will to us...
So, i've been working at my new job for a couple months's an alright job, nothing too spectacular or glamorous about it, but....there's one thing that makes my job interesting, and that's the weird/perverted/clueless/insane calls that I do occasionally get, because the freaks come out at night.

Here is my list of interesting calls:

1) My very first perverted call. A man, who didn't want any dept, but for some reason, really wanted to talk to me while masturbating. Yes, folks, it was only my 2nd week on the job when I took that one.

2) Insane Man. I like to call him my little schizophrenic friend. He really wanted satellite tv, but wanted to know more info about it, because he knows that the government can watch us through the television, and that they've implanted chips into our hands for the very same purpose. Granted, I still sent this guy to the sales dept.

3) Kid #1. A little girl called late at night, because she wanted to sing me a song that she made up about DirecTV. It rhymed and everything. As soon as she finished, you could hear her dad shouting her name, wondering what she was doing.

4) Wheelchair lady. Her husband didn't want her to watch her soap operas, so he did a parental lock on them. She spoke to me for almost 10 minutes about how she was going to kill him because of this.

5) I decided I would throw all the marriage proposals altogether into 1. Yes, apparently I have a really appealing voice, because I've had a few guys ask me to marry them over the phone.

6) Insane Man #2. This guy calls at least once a week, and asks to go to customer service after hours. Naturally, customer service is closed, and he proceeds to scream in my ear, like he is about to murder me. I don't know if he calls us and does this because he needs to release steam or what, but now I'm not even phased when I answer.

7) The Ultimate Asshole. One man, didn't want to be transferred at all. In fact, he didn't even want me to put him on hold while I got a supervisor. He told me that I had to put the phone down, without putting him on hold, and that he has a timer and he was going to time me 10 seconds to find a supervisor, and after 10 seconds, if someone wasn't answering his call, he was going to throw his equipment in the street. I've actually had numerous asshole callers, but none has ever had the audacity to TIME me.

8) Your typical prank caller. Some sound young enough to MAYBE be in junior high, some sound like college kids, others sound like they're on a dare for a radio station. One guy kept repeating "I want to watch my Lions team" over and over about 50 times. I finally gave up and sent him to Sales. And yes, they recorded that call for future laughs.

This doesn't even include all of the calls that: i can't interpret because i don't speak their language, racist calls, prank calls, calls where im put on hold for 15 min because they can't find a pen, customers who don't know their State when asked 5 times, customers who threaten to sue the company, etc. It's the most interesting, boring job I've ever had.

I can stand with the weight of the world
On my shoulders
I can fight with the toughest of the tough
I can laugh in the face
Of all my insecurities
Anytime, anywhere, anything
I'm strong enough

But when you're holding me like this
I'm carelessly lost in your touch
I'm completely defenseless
Baby, it's almost too much
I'm helplessly, hopelessly, recklessly
Falling in love

7:05 p.m. - 2005-08-16
Love Is Real...
it is not just in novels or the movies
It is fact and it is standing here right in front of you
So if you just open your eyes, oh what a sweet discovery
There is hope, and there is joy and there is acceptance

So now let all the light that collects on your plants keep you warm, make you
And I will be there with this pen in my hand to record all the while
You'll be laughing so loud that the house will shake with sound
And everything will be as new as the day it was found

Oh, love is real it is not just in long-distance commercials
Or something that you thought you felt back in high school
So I will turn black and white become that horoscope you're reading
It predicts that something good is on its way

And I'll send you all the world green and blue in a box through the mail
You can open it up, hold it right in your hand and be glad that it's there
And be glad that you're there

Now you can feel all the knots in your stomach they start to untie
And suddenly it's not so hard to say you're alright

Oh, love is real it is not just in poetry and stories
It is truth and it will follow you everywhere you go from now on
So if you just cast all off your doubts then your lips would answer for you
Oh, my darling when you smile it is like a song
I cant hear it now
And I can hear it now...

7:01 p.m. - 2005-08-15
maybe i'm too young to keep good love from going wrong
"When i'm broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it
Where are you tonight, child you know how much i need it
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run"

"Sometimes a man gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun
And much too blind to see the damage he's done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that really, he has no-one"

~~~So I'm here....In the middle of August...and I desperately need to find a place to live.

It turns out my aunt is moving her and her kids up to Temecula...why, do you ask? Because, she'll need help with the kids once me and Samantha are out of her house, so my grandparents will help her up there....does that make any sense at all? The lady who's kicking us out, wants someone to watch her kids...hmm, how interesting.

I almost slammed the door on my thumb while getting out of the car today. When I say almost, I mean that it was halfway shut. Meaning my thumb hurts like a bitch right now, but it just looks like a strawberry on the tip of it. I'm an idiot.

I also just found out that Angie is due to have her kid like in 2 weeks...and it's gonna be a boy. Why doesn't anyone tell me these things? I'm always the last to know. Aumia is having another boy as well, though I'm not sure when she's due. One day, I've gotta go to Florida and visit her and her family. I miss her so much.

I went to the casino last weekend, and I haven't gone in AGES. I didn't win, but I didn't lose either. It always ends up that way.

Weekend Highlights:

Friday: Got Paid. This is the only significant part of the day.

Saturday: Went out to dinner with Katrina, drove to the casino. Won some, lost some, killed some time.

Sunday: Did laundry.

wow, now that's what i call a weekend! can you sense the sarcasm in my writing?

I love somebody.

8:16 p.m. - 2005-07-26
Scary, Scary, Misty

Measure Your Fears - Would You, Wouldn't You, You Did

Created by beindthecurtain and taken 10458 times on bzoink!

Pet a snakeI have.
Spend a week in an empty roomyeah, i have.
Ride in a hot-air balloonI sooooo would!
Sky diveI would like to think I would
Sing in front of a huge audienceI have, and it's hard.
scuba diveI would.
Sit in the front seat of a roller coasterI have..many, many times..that's something you have to do.
Deliver a babydeliver a baby? wtf? I would if i knew how to.
Swim across the Amazon RiverUhhh, I wouldn't.
Change careersI would.
Disappear for a long period of timeI've thought about it, and I think it depends on the situation at hand.
Walk through the forest alone at nightI would.
Join a space missionI wouldn't.
Tell everyone what you honestly think of themoooh, I wouldn't.
Call off your weddingI would, if I didn't love him.
Walk naked through New York City for 10 minutes during rush hourfuck!
Walk up to Mike Tyson and call him a girlfuck that! that guy is a lunatic.
Disarm a bombIf I had instructions, yes.
CLean the outside windows of a skyscrapermmmm..I don't know about that one.
Draw a mustache on the Mona Lisa with a permanent markerno, not because I'm scared, but because that's fucked up. Don't mess with art, dammit!
Go on tour with Elviswha? does this mean die?
Go swimming during a thunder stormI would.
Preform surgury on your best friendnoooooope. Also not cool.

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9:59 p.m. - 2005-07-23
Cradle Your Head In Your Hands...And Breathe...Just Breathe...
So, stress doesn't die, it survives, it hides away so far down in the pit of existence, and swims up to the surface as soon as things start to settle, thrashing it's arms and legs, creating the current that ultimately whirlpools you into nothingness. And, then it subsides and sinks back down into that neverending cycle.

Let's see. How could I put this bluntly, without sounding pathetic or harsh...

My aunt basically just kicked me and my sister out of her house.
Kicked? Maybe kicked isn't exactly the best verb.

She has come to the conclusion that me and my sister will no longer be residing in her home? No, too sugar-coated, I'm way more upset than that.

My aunt has just made the conscious decision to release me and my sister from her care. Not good enough...None of it is good enough.

No one wants to be out of this house more than me...except maybe Sam. It tore my insides up just to bring myself to move in here, to start over, to hang my head in shame and swallow any pride I had to come back to live with my aunt, after living on our own for over a year. No, it wasn't the end of the world, but it took all that I had to do it.

So we come into her home, welcomed, and I immediately try to find another job, so I could help with rent, groceries, gas, anything. My sister had done the same. We cooked every single night, we cleaned this house, we took care of her children, because we felt like it was our obligation for her letting us into her house. We understood the struggles she was facing, with her nasty divorce and her not being able to take care of the kids alone while working full-time. Yes, we understood this, and Sam and I tried our damndest to make it easier on her.

But I guess it wasn't enough.

My sister cried more than once today. She doesn't understand. She feels betrayed, and I do see that point of view that she holds, that she has this illness, she has no money, and we don't have anywhere to go to. We can't be like our cousins or friends, who run to their parents whenever the struggle is too difficult. We can't do that. This was it. This was our salvation, our shelter, our sanctuary. She doesn't understand how this could end so soon, without much notice, without either one of us able to leave just yet, money and time-wise.

I, however, didn't cry. I blanked out. I got that far-away look on my face, as I always do when I don't want to listen to what's being said to me, and only responded with automatic, robot-like answers. I refused to cry in front of her, refused to let her know that she was crushing my heart in her palm.

It didn't matter that an agreement with rent and bills were made beforehand, and now she's going back on that before she has given us the chance to live up to it. It doesn't matter that we've been working our asses off so we could help out. I guess I, too, feel betrayed.

I had a talk with Samantha while everyone was gone, and we had the place to ourselves. It started out with just talking, and then it escalated into us being mad and spitting out profanities and disgusted phrases, and ended with my sister bawling in my arms, tears streaming down our faces, and me promising that I would always take care of her, no matter what. I swear to God, after witnessing my sister so upset, I will never do what my aunt has done.

What would my mother think of this? We usually take pride in our family, for being as close as we are, for being just a bit different than everyone else's family. We don't kick people out.

Sure, she's nice about it...she offers help for us to find a place and a new car. But I don't want it. I don't need her help anymore. I've learned my lesson. I will go on through life, being the person I am, helping the people I love, and giving what I can to whoever needs it. I will live the way she won't. And, I know I'll probably regret saying and thinking all of this about her later, because it has happened in the past, but this is all I want to say right now. That's what a diary/journal is for, right?

I will make this work. I promised my mother this, and I promised my sister this, and I will not go back on my word.

7:22 p.m. - 2005-07-21
Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?
Where did I get this cold from? It's like 95 degrees out, and I have a cold? Is it so much to ask to just breathe through my nose? If only I had some nasal decongestant and a bag of halls....

So last weekend was interesting. We drove up to LA to watch Vince perform his music, because some club had one of those open mike nights. Honestly, Vince and one other guy were the only decent ones in the group. A girl-fight ensued during his performance, and some girl jumped up on stage and started dancing all up on Vince. It was funny, but the guy still managed to finish his set. Who knew what this girl was on?!

The weekend has been going by so fast. I swear yesterday was only Sunday, and now it's about to be the weekend again. I'm ecstatic to say that I'll be going to the Del Mar Horseraces on Saturday, and yes, I will get paid that week, so I'll be betting up a storm. This is my favorite part of the summer.

Hmmm...there's something about him..more like everything about him.

1:49 p.m. - 2005-07-10
Surfing On A Rocket...
Should A thirteen year old child get a belly button piercing?

I keep asking myself this question, though I don't have any children of my own (if my kid was 13, I would have had her at 10!) and I almost feel I have no right in expressing my opinion about the subject because of this. But, I can't help but ponder. If I did have a kid, would I let my daughter get her belly button pierced? Would I be a smooth balance of both mother and "cool", or would I put my stubborn foot down and say "not while you're under MY roof!?"

So, I ask this because my 13 year old cousin is wanting her belly button pierced. I must say, she's a dancer, she attends a performing arts school, and she is in the best shape that any young girl could be in. She would look awesome with a belly button piercing, though I'd never say this to her out loud, don't wanna fuel the fire, eh?

She begged and begged and begged her mother for a belly button pierced. And, because she is usually laid back and known to be the "cool mom", I was stunned when she told her No. True, she didn't use the "not while you're under my roof" spiel, or say "wait until you're 18" even, but she offered to give permission to let her daughter get her nose pierced instead. Is that how you do it? Was that the epitome of "cool mom"?

I honestly should be taking notes.

7:38 p.m. - 2005-07-03
Windows Open And Close, That's Just How It Goes
I'm in love with the ordinary, I need a simple space to rest my head...and everything gets clear....I'm a little ashamed for asking, but just a little helps, it gets me straight again....It helps me get over it, over it...It might seem like a dream, but it's real to me.

Alright, so I work on the muthafuckin' 4th of July. Am I bitter? Eh, maybe a little, but it's crazy how when you haven't been working much for awhile, you are so grateful to be working at all, that working on a holiday isn't that big of a deal (but if I work on Christmas, I'll cry).

I really wish I could watch the fireworks tomorrow. Well, actually, they've been making people go home early this past weekend, I wouldn't be surprised if I went home early again tomorrow. All is well.

I need to start buying books again. It's been so long since I could indulge in the pleasure of leisure reading, but with this job, I read a lot. I finished a 400 pg book in 2 days...yeah, that's how boring it is after 7...or maybe I'm just a speed reader.

I found out that Green Day is going to be in town in the first week of October, and I really really really wanna take Tre. I was reading it in the paper, and guess who's their musical guest? Jimmy Eat World, suckas!!! Fuck, I could care less about Green Day (i care a little?) but I'd love to see Jimmy Eat World (hence the title and first paragraph of this entry). I'm gonna look into it, and I actually have money to go. Plus, I'd love to take Tre to his very first concert, especially one that he would remember forever. Green Day is all he cares about these days, and I took his sister to HER first concert. Man, I gotta do it!

9:54 p.m. - 2005-06-24
Sittin' On The Porch Drinkin' Ice, Cold Cherry.......Coke.
Ah, the joys of a new job. Yes, I have a new job, full-time, and today was my first day/orientation. The company I work for seems like a decent one. The people are sweet and funny, and the benefits are good. I'm actually tired...but not tired like when I used to work retail, the kind that makes you so exhausted you don't know if you have the strength get out of the car and walk up to your porch and unlock the, this one is the kind of tired that makes you want to lay down on the couch, but you actually feel accomplished. Who knew...

The long-ass telephone cord broke (what the fuck!) and now I can't go lay down while I'm on the computer...It sucks, but first thing tomorrow, I'm gonna go buy like a 25ft cord..yes, I know I'm weird, and yes, I know I'm a dork. That's just who I am. Sue me.

Sometimes I wonder about my Grandma. My aunt got Padres tickets tonight, and she decided to bring my grandfather, because all my grandfather wants to do these days is watch his baseball and his boxing. So my grandmother is here at my house, eating pizza we ordered, and watching a dvd that I wonder if she even knows what's going on. I remember my grandma before she started having alzheimer's, and though she's similar, she's not the same. It's not full-blown yet, but she does ask the date every 5 minutes (because she wants to know if it's her bingo day or not). I stare at her and wonder what she was like as a little girl, if she has the same mannerisms as she does now, because even now, she's like a child. Everyone must keep at least one eye on her. No one can soothe my soul with the piano like her, though, even now. I hope she never forgets how to play.

Hmmm...yeah, I'm gonna get more cherry coke.

2:25 p.m. - 2005-06-12
If I had another chance tonight...
"I'd tell you all the things we had were right..."

Name a Song about...

Created by TheGreatFuckTard and taken 17 times on bzoink!

a disease of some kind"Cali Clap"-Smigg Dirtee & CG
what is the disease?The Clap..but it's not really about that, I just couldn't think of anything else.
politics"What's Going On?"-Marvin Gaye, though I'm sure Bono or Bob Marley have a few.
God"Jesus Loves Me"? or "Be Not Afraid"? I'm thinking church here.
something happy"Extraordinary"-Joel Plaskett Emergency...This song really does make me happy.
something depressing"I Can't Make You Love Me"-Bonnie Raitt
something disgusting"Get Low"-Yin Yang Twins (skeet skeet skeet)
love"Destiny"-Zero 7, but a million songs could go here.
hateno song is really about hate.
sex"Night Drive"-Jimmy Eat World
something weird"Air Force Ones"-Nelly....yes, let's do a song about...sneakers.
a particular person"My Best Friend"-Tim McGraw
who is the person?my best friend, of course.

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There's a song that's inside of my soul
it's the one that I've tried
to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But you sing to me
Over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray
To be only yours
I know now, you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of your galaxy dancing
And laughing and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me all the plans
That you have for me over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray
To be only yours
I know now, you're my only hope

I give you my destiny
I'm giving you all of me
I want your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs
I'm giving it back

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
to be only yours
I pray
to be only yours
I pray
to be only yours
I know now, you're my only hope

11:22 p.m. - 2005-05-29
I'll earn your trust, making memories of us...
I'll speak the language, in a voice you have never heard.

Twas a beachy day in Sunny San Diego.

I spent most of the day today, watching the waves at La Jolla Shores, taking my shoes off, rolling my pants up, holding Tre's hand, and kicking the ocean's edge, while screaming and laughing and trying to keep each other's balance, chasing tiny crabs and pointing out seals by the cove. It was one of those days where, if I were to take a step back, I would look on and smile and laugh and lock the memory in my mind forever. Why the hell don't I have a camera yet?

It was a good day. Driving and searching for any sign of a parking spot, or at least if anyone was leaving so we could take their place. It was crowded, full of locals, tourists, old and young, and I even got my cheeks sunburned a little. Not a lot, just enough to make me ablush.

Did I mention Tre has a mohawk? Yes, the same 7 year old, who bleached his hair blonde at 5 and put blue-colored gel in his hair everyday, grew his hair out long enough to have a full-on MOHAWK. I've gelled and hairsprayed it up a couple times already, including today before the beach, and it held up even after swimming and jumping and falling in the water. That's what I'm talkin' bout! He's adorable. Too cute for words.

I'm gonna love you, like nobody loves you.

3:58 p.m. - 2005-05-26
Such Great Heights
I have to speculate, that God himself did make us into corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay.

They will see us waving from such great
Heights, 'come down now', they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
'come down now', but we'll stay...

I finally watched a few movies that I had wanted to see for a long time, but because of time and money, I was unable to do so previously. Here are my ratings.

1) Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement (yeah yeah, shuddup, I'm still a girl)

***3/5 stars ---- girly, fun, a decent sequel to the first Princess Diaries. As almost always, the #1 was better though.***

2) Friday Night Lights

***4/5 stars ---- I'm scared of Texas***

3) Garden State

***4/5 stars ---- Hilarious, thoughtful, sad, and real. Sure as hell provoked a lot of different emotions out of me. I always wondered why people thought I reminded them of Natalie Portman's character. Now I know. She's cool as hell! When did Zach Braff get so fucking talented?****

Thinking about getting a camera again. This means E-bay and Pawn Shops galore. I don't mind.

Interview Me.

5:37 p.m. - 2005-05-20
My favorite song of the week
I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me.

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the frist thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep,
I'll put a spell on you,
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me

5:27 p.m. - 2005-05-20
Nothing's Gonna Change My World...
"Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup, They slither while they pass they slip away across the universe Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind, Possessing and caressing me"

Alright, hereís my dilemma. There is so much talk about this Star Wars movie, that I canít take it anymore! Sure, I could watch it like the rest of the world, butÖwould I understand it if Iíve never seen the others? This would mean, that yes, I would have to at least watch the previous Star Wars movies before I check this one out. Now, the question is: Do I really want to put forth that much effort, just because I feel out of the loop of things?

Why the hell wasnít I forced to watch Star Wars as a kid? Isnít this supposed to be a staple in oneís childhood? What in the world was I watching instead, Adventures In Babysitting? The Breakfast Club? The Goonies? What on earth was I thinking? And, now I feel like iím a foreigner in a land ofÖ.darthÖ vadars Öand dark.. sideÖ.. people,Ö. andÖ..SEE? I donít even know how to reference characters from the damn movie! I need help!

I could always just pretend that Iím too ďcoolĒ for such a geeky phenomenon, but in reality, I WISH I was that passionate about something so insignificant. One needs something like that in their lives once in awhile. Iím gonna find it, gosh darnit, even if it isnít Star Wars!

May The Force Be With You?Ö.is that it? or is it ďBe All You Can BeĒ? No, I think thatís the ArmyÖdamnit!

9:20 p.m. - 2005-05-09
I'm a slow motion accident...
"Lost in coffee rings and fingerprints

I don't wanna feel anything

But i do

And it all comes back to you..."

Ultimate Opposite Sex Survey (for girls)

Created by okwhtsplanb and taken 31902 times on bzoink!

--Your Favorite--
Hair Color:dark
Eye Color:light
(Their)Music Genre Preference:eclectic
Height(estimate):taller than me (5'8")
Personality Type:"Cool Dorks".
--This or That--
Older or Younger:older or same age.
Romantic or Horndog:a combination of both
Smart or Stupid:smart
Fat or Skinny:in between
Skinny but Muscular or Big and Muscular:no preference
Punk or Preppy:no labels
The Big Picture or the Little Things:hmmm..that's a tough one.
Flowers/Candy or Big Expensive Present:flowers.
Mixtape or Burned CD:who still plays cassette tapes?
Love or Lust:i shall have both,and both i shall have
Emotional or Just Not:emotional, but not TOO emotional
Sincere or Jokester:jokester who knows when to be serious
Hott and mean or Ugly and sweet:neither
Sexy or Just Cute:sure, both
Arse or Abs:abs
Hair or Hands:they should have both...a handless, hairless guy could be scary.
Dimples or Eyes:eyes
Biceps or Calves/Thighs:doesn't matter
Teeth or Nose(some people are just wierd) :i would like them to have teeth AND a nose..i guess im weird.
Clean Shaven or Scruffy:clean shaven, i guess
Rugged or Prim and Proper:a mixture of both
Countryboy or Cityboycityboy
Date alone or With Friendsdoesn't matter
Mama's Boy or Rebel Without A Cause:someone who respects their family, that's all i ask
--Have You Ever--
Dumped a guy because he liked you too comment
Loved a guy because he stalked you:nope
Loved a guy because he hated you:not exactly
Asked your friend's crush out:no way
Lead a guy on for kicks:hm.
Asked a guy out purely because he was hott:no
Flirted with guys even though you had a boyfriend:not really
Lied about not having a boyfriend:nope
Lied about having one:no, that's dumb
Cheated:certainly not!
Been Cheated on:no again
Had a crush on a gay guy:uh, no.
--Their Clothing(yes/no)--
Skater Shoes?:sure
Pimp Shoes?:pimp shoes? what the fuck does that mean?
Band Shirts?:they're cool
Vintage shirts?:any shirt is fine
Southpole/um..other thug clothes..?:southpole is considered "thug clothes"? Don't they sell southpole @ jc penney's or something?
Dixie Outfitters/Big Johnsons?:? no clue what those are.
S&M/Little Devil?:n/a
Jeans or Shorts?:jeans
--Be Honest--
Would you ever date a guy for his money?:honestly? NO
Would you ever date a guy for his social status?:social
Have you ever liked hanging out with your bf's friends more than him?:uhhhh nope
Have you ever pretended to like somebody to make them feel better?no, that's messed up.
Have you called a girl a whore, when you were screwing lots of guys?:hahaha no
Do looks matter?:somewhat
Are you honestly scared of being dumped?:sure, i guess..nah, not really
Does size matter?:size of what? be specific now.
Do you avoid 'situations' with ugly guys?:? situations? im not gonna ignore people, that's mean.
Are you ashamed to be seen with your ugly friends?:i don't have any ugly friends, but no, why would i? im not trying to makeout with them.
Are you ashamed for being ashamed?(you better be):n/a
Do you hide things from your crushes/guy friends/bf?:not necessarily hiding. just quiet.
Do you lie about masturbation for attention or false innocence?:? hell no, i masturbate.
Do you really want a guy to say if those jeans make your butt look fat?:i would never ask, because jeans are jeans..who the fuck cares?
Are you dissapointed when your bf doesn't say I love you right away?:no, im scared when he says it right away
Wanna be a virgin till marriage?nah
Do you really love the guys everytime that you say it?pretty much
Do you dream about your crushes/bfs/guy friends?:daydream? on occasion.
Would you makeout with a guy friend just to get it over with/curiosity?:mmm, not to get it over with.
Does this survey suck nuts?suck nuts?

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12:18 p.m. - 2005-05-06
Do I Ever Cross Your Mind?
Alright, so I was drunk last night...I don't think i'd been that drunk in quite sometime (at least 4 months) and I had a really good time last night. We didn't even go out to Old Town like I thought we were going to, at last minute's notice, my aunt decided to have a get together here at my house, with 15 or so people, listening to music, drinking, and dancing to Silas' new album in the living room. It was the perfect size celebration.

I ended up drinking Blue Raspberry MD 20/20 (yeah, how's that for old skool) and what the hell was i thinking? The people over here were really cool, and all I can remember is that the highlight of the night was my 31 year old aunt, getting drunk and breakdancing in the middle of the crowded living room. I was thoroughly impressed, I must say. I was cracking up the entire time. That's what happens when you drink a little too much, I guess.

By the end of the night, everyone in the house was pretty wasted (Auntie Chrissy, Jason, Samantha, and Me), and I think we all really enjoyed ourselves. Just don't ask me for too many details of the night. I couldn't tell you.

2:37 p.m. - 2005-05-03
If I gave you a thousand kisses, would you give me a thousand and one?
I think im past a thousand and one now...

Alright, I'm waiting for Cinco De Mayo.

This is definitely just a random entry..I haven't done this in awhile. I need to get back up on this am i talking about?

Fade into you..strange you never knew..fade into you..I think it's strange you never knew.

You know, I hate admitting that I watch American Idol...I'm ashamed..but why am i ashamed? I like singing, I like music, I was a fan of Star Search back in the days, when i thought I would go on it and win..why should i be ashamed? The same thing with The OC. So what If I enjoy watching The OC (though i haven't seen it the past couple weeks, OY)? Back off!

I need to go to the bank, I need to buy groceries, I need to make dinner, and I need a life. I'll start my life on Cinco De Mayo.

And now you're thinking little thoughts about it, taking every inch of him in...what does it mean when something changes how it's always been?

I've done the damage, the damage is done..I pray to God that I'm the damaged one..and these grown up complications that you just don't understand.. I hope you can someday..I hope you can..

11:25 p.m. - 2005-04-23
Coming Down Gently...

What Is Your Best Sexual Skill?
Flirting Skill Level - 39%
Kissing Skill Level - 74%
Cudding Skill Level - 74%
Sex Skill Level - 94%
Why They Love You You know how to push their buttons.
Why They Hate You You are too sexy.
This Quiz by lady_wintermoon - Taken 2199108 Times.
New - Kwiz.Biz Astrology and Horoscopes

12:10 p.m. - 2005-04-22
You're more than a lover, There could never be another...
To make me feel the way you do...

I dunno about this new template yet. I'm not used to having something so bright colored, yet simple and pleasing to the eye. We'll see, cuz I already want to change it.

For some reason, I'm getting a lot of feedback from my journal lately. I don't know if this is all very sudden, but a lot of people have been reading my journal lately, very odd....or maybe a lot of people have always read my journal, but never mentioned it because it's such a personal thing to read....hmm, something to think about.

So me, samantha, katrina, and tara went to "the secret spot" last night, because katrina had never been there before. So we arrive, walk over to the cliffs, sit down, our legs dangling over the edge, and all of a sudden, katrina is screaming and is hanging off the cliff----not because she's falling, but because her purse slid down the cliff and stopped halfway down to the ocean. OY!

Well, before anyone could try and get the purse, my sister, thinking she was competing in Fear Factor or The Real World/Road Rules Challenge, decides to throw her flip flops off, and inch her way down the cliff to retrieve the purse---BAREFOOT.

We're all screaming at her to be careful, it being such a funny, but scary and dangerous thing. She eventually came back with the purse on her shoulder, but not before Tara took a picture of her scaling up the cliff on her camera phone....we even made her stop and pose, all the while samantha smiling and yelling "hurry up! I can't hold on much longer!". Good Times in SD.

The next time katrina's purse falls down the cliff, it's staying there.

I could only hope for as much excitement this weekend.

5:38 p.m. - 2005-04-16
No Other Way...
When your mind is a mess
So is mine
I cant sleep
Cause it hurts when I think
My thoughts aren't at peace
With the plans that we make
Chances we take
They're, not yours and not mine
There's waves that can break
All the words that we say
And the words that we mean
Words can fall short
Can't see the unseen
Cause the world is awake
For somebody's sake now, please close your eyes woman
Please get some sleep

And know that if I knew
All of the answers I would
Not hold them from you'd
Know all the things that i'd know
We told each other, there is no other way

Well too much silence can be misleading
You're drifting I can hear it in the way that your breathing
We don't really need to find reason
Cause out the same door that it came well its leaving its leaving
Leaving like a day that's done and part of a season
Resolve is just a concept that's as dead as the leaves
But at least we can sleep, its all that we need
When we wake we will find
Our minds will be free to go to sleep

And know that if I knew
All of the answers I would
Not hold them from you'd
Know all the things that i'd know
We told each other, there is no other way

12:25 p.m. - 2005-04-07
I'll play along with the charade..there doesn't seem to be a reason to change...
Wow...I know I haven't written in this thing in a long time, but I'm here now, and dammit, I'm gonna write an entry! It has been a hectic last few weeks, with my grandparents moving to temecula (actually, my grandparents, auntie lorraine, steve, nick, and katrina), and auntie chrissy, tre, and mariah moving out of her apartment to be here in THIS house, and me and samantha moving here. Can you imagine having three families moving at the same time? I mean, our family is huge, yes, but it's still fricken exhausting. I don't want to move for a long time....though I'm sure I'll probably have to.

I've been looking for a fricken router for the past 3 days. You'd think this was an easy feat, no? NO! Price is a concern for me, so this means trying to figure out if i want wireless or ethernet, if my laptop has a built-in wireless card (which i have no clue, and without that info, im not sure if i should just get a wireless router), and...these people at the stores (comp usa, fry's, circuit city) were of no help to me...seriously...maybe i should just wait until next month to get a router.

The Jimmy Eat World Concert is coming up in mid-May, and I really want to go. Who's gonna go with me though? Samantha? I've been wanting to see them in concert for years, but everytime they come to san diego, I find out they are in town THE DAY of the concert! Not very much notice there. Now that I know ahead of time this year, I would love to go....we'll see...

who are these people outside of my window, trimming the hedges? who said they could do that? is this gonna happen every thursday? wait..thursday?? the OC thursday?? lovely.

11:53 p.m. - 2005-03-14
Hiding Under Water..
I had a pretty decent (and long, i might add) weekend. Friday night was tara's "Birthday Eve", and I told her i would go with her to 94 Aero Squadron's Happy Hour with her buddies from work. Drank some midori's and kamikaze's, worked it out on the dance floor with Tara, Lourdes, Katrina, Martin, Chrissy, Sharon, and was all in good fun, and everyone left there smiling (me especially because tara was too drunk to drive home).

Saturday, we took tara out for a birthday lunch/early dinner, hung out at the biatch, she visited her "boy", while i drove around PB until she would call to pick her up. I think tara had a pretty good birthday.

On Sunday we had a "birthday BBQ" with the fam, complete with 3 cakes (one for tara, one for chrissy, and one for me, to my surprise), saw angie and darin as they came back from their mexico "honeymoon", she's starting to show a little now that she's 14 weeks pregnant. Back to the beach to see sam's flavor of the month, and had a little bonfire session at mission beach.

Today I finally saw Chris, whom has been MIA for the past few weeks...damn, now that he has a girlfriend, we never see the dick! Went with tara to UTC so she could spend her birthday gift card (she bought one item, jesus) and came home to find "the crew" chillin'.

My favorite song of the Month:

Girl, I'm in love with you
This ain't the honeymoon, past the infatuation phase
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday
I know I misbehaved
And you made your mistake
And we both still got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
'Cause we're just ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
Take it slow
This time we'll take it slow
Take it slow
This time we'll take it slow

This ain't a movie, no
No fairytale conclusions, y'all
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent
Then we head back to hell again
We kiss then we make up on the way
I hang up, you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away
As our love advances, we take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy I still want you to stay

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
'Cause we're just ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
Take it slow
This time we'll take it slow
Take it slow
This time we'll take it slow

Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave, maybe you'll return
Maybe another fight, maybe we won't survive
Maybe we'll grow we never know
Baby, you and I

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go, yeah
'Cause we're just ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
'Cause we're just ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
Take it slow

This time we'll take it slow....

7:45 p.m. - 2005-03-10
Sweet Surrender
You're Perfect ^^
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I've taken this quiz before, a lonnnggg time ago, just thought i'd see if i would come up with the same answer...and yes, I have.

1:30 p.m. - 2005-03-08
She put that sugar on my tongue..she's gonna gimme gimme some.
"she turns me on, like no other."

Weekend Highlights:

03/03: Had a billion "happy birthday" phone calls and text messages, from 12am to 1am the next day, pretty nice... got a few new CD's from tara and katrina, went to dinner, had a couple mai tais, went to PB, chillin' on the beach, went to bed fairly early considering it was my birthday...Had an awesome time, nonetheless.

03/04: Hung out with my sister and Nick....did laundry, packed for the vegas trip/wedding.

03/05: Got to Vegas, gambled a little, got ready for the wedding, attended the wedding (very funny and heartfelt, don't you just love that combination?), had reception dinner, hung out with Chris, Katrina, Tara, Nick, Jason, Kristina, another Christina, Samantha, Vince, Silas, Nathan. Pretty good, overall. Drank a little more, gambled a little more, danced a little more.

03/06: went to breakfast with Nick on the strip, headed to the M&M Gameworks arcade, played some crazy air hockey games (i lost), played Nick in Tekken 4 on the big screen (i won), took mariah to get an airbrushed tattoo on her tummy, i think i spent more money at the arcade than i did gambling, funny how that works out (i always win my money back gambling, it's a gift), drove home.

Obviously i got my laptop back and the keyboard is in working condition. Lucky me. Damn decent weekend.

11:44 a.m. - 2005-03-03
March 3, 1982...
It's my birthday...I'm 23...It feels exactly like 22....well, maybe not quite exactly....I wonder what I'm gonna do today....It is my birthday after all....we're leaving to go to Las Vegas for angie's wedding this weekend.....Vegas should be fun....right?....right....I got a card from my ex....that was sweet...I won't have my computer after today, because the keyboard on my laptop isn't functioning right now, so they're taking it in for repairs....hopefully it'll be done by the time I get home for vegas....or not....who knows when I'll be able to get on here again....happy birthday to me, and jessica biel (we're exactly the same age)....D'angelo's birthday is tomorrow, Jeremy's is on the 7th, u think, Tara's is on the 12th, Auntie Chrissy's on the 13th, Alona's on the 14, my mother's birthday is on the 19th, and Aumia's is the 25th...jesus christ, that's a lot of birthdays...well, gotta help with groceries and brush my dripping wet hair...

11:55 p.m. - 2005-02-18
Kissing you is...all that i've been thinking of...
Take the quiz:
"What Kinda Kiss R U?"

Tender Kiss
The tender kiss is the feeling where you can be anywhere and show your feelings.

Why do I continue to take these tests?? I have no clue. Hi, my name is Alissandra, and I am addicted to caffeine, heroin, crystal, lsd, speed, alcohol, sex, nicotine, crack, shopping, eating, and TAKING BLOG QUIZZES!

The first step is admitting you have a problem.

12:56 a.m. - 2005-02-15
Freak you in the morning, Freak you in the evening, Freak you at night...
Happy Valentine's hour late..

Just because im not celebrating today, doesn't mean that I can't listen to the hot, steamy, romantic, sensual, erotic, sweet songs that are playing on the airwaves for this special are the top 10 lyrics of songs to get you in the mood on Valentine's Day (not in any particular order):

1)"Many days Iíve longed for you/Wanting you/Hoping for the chance to get to know you/Longing for your kiss/For your touch, your feel, your essence." ~ Musiq Soulchild-"LOVE"

2)"Pushing Forward and arching back/ bring me closer to heart attack" ~ Maroon 5-"Sweetest Goodbye"

3)"You may be young but you're ready/Ready to learn/You're not a little girl, you're a woman/Take my hand/Let me tell you, baby/I'm yours for the takin'" ~ Keith Sweat-"A Right And A Wrong Way"

4)"And When I kiss your soul, your body will be free" ~ Gavin Degraw-"More Than Anyone"

5)"And our eyes locked now/ cuz i sit here proud/even now you're undressed in your dreams with me/I'm only here for this moment" ~ Jeff Buckley-"Everybody Here Wants You"

6)"Cuz I'm an addict over you/I can't leave you alone/You got me Feenin'/Girl I'm Feenin' for you" ~ Jodeci-"Feenin"

7)"Climb along on the driver's side/so close I taste your breath/your lips are dry, but they're sweet inside/wine must go right to your head/Kiss me with your cherry lipstick/never wash you off my face/hit me I can take your cheap shots/leave you with the love we made" ~ Jimmy Eat World-"Night Drive"

8)"Everything I want is what she does to me/she don't blush cuz she's so damned free/when she's makin' love it's like surgery/and she says 'ooh I love U in Me' " ~ Prince-"I Love U In Me"

9)"Tonight/i'm gonna hold you/i'm gonna touch you/and lay you down/tonight/i'm gonna kiss you/i'm gonna taste you/all the way down" ~ Babyface-"When Your Body Gets Weak"

10)"Why do I beg like a child for your candy/why do I come after you like i do/I love you/whatever you are/I swear you'll be my angel" ~ DMB-"Angel"

11:52 a.m. - 2005-02-11
im so tired of playin with this bow and arrow..

VampiricAnguish's Odd Survey

Created by VampiricAnguish and taken 35 times on bzoink!

About You
Sexual preference?hetero.
Got Milk?in the fridge, yes.
Are you gellin?gellin like magellan? yes.
Masturbate?do i do it or am i doing it now?
Shower?yes, and i hope everyone does the same.
Sex?i told you, female.
Cancer?mmm, no thanks, i have enough problems.
Whats your favorite..
Video Game?? i don't have one.
Music Genre?don't have one.
Cartoon?scooby doo
Store?don't have one.
Power Ranger?blech.
Ninja Turtle?it was donatello.
Sexual act??
Type of clothing?jeans and a tee.
This or that?
Jock or Geek?geek.
Marilyn Manson or Marilyn Monroe?marilyn monroe.
Dendrophelia or Necrophelia?neither, jesus.
Heaven or Hell?heaven...but im pretty sure im in limbo.
Fire or Water?water.
1 good friend or 10 acquantinces?1 good friend.
Fat and hot or skinny and ugly?hmm..prolly fat and hot.
Amy Lee or Britney Spears?amy lee? who's amy lee? prolly her, cuz i don't care for this britney person u mention.
Vagina or Penis?i have a vagina.
Inside my head..
How are you?I'm alright.
Do you seek love?not sure.
Have you ever considered being gay/bi?i've thought about it..and come to the conclusion that it isn't me.
Are you gay/bi?no.
It rubs the lotion on its skin?what?
It does this when it's told?what?
Is this smilie gay? ^_^reminds me of sanrio stuff.
Do you believe in God?yes.
Are you sadistic and/or masochistic?no.
Whats your worst flaw?worrying.
Whats your greatest trait?helping, listening.
Are you glad this is over?sure.

Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink!

12:20 p.m. - 2005-02-07
When the dream dissolves, I open up my eyes...
"I realize that everything is a shoreless sea...a weightlessness is passing over me."

This morning we found a tin box. Inside this tin box, were old, rusted papers and address books, receipts and bills (rusted because the tin box had been outside, weathering in the rain/sun for years now). They were my father's old leaflets and papers, things that I probably have seen in the past, but knew nothing of because I was so young. They broke open the lock on the box, and out popped all of these treasures, old, stuck together from the rain and rust, meaningless pieces of paper really, but I was intrigued.

One of the papers, was an old psychology paper that my mother had written in college, a few years after i was born. The pages were stuck together, so every page i turned, I did with the most delicate of fingers, because I didn't want to lose anything. At first, I just thought it was interestng that I'd been able to find a paper that my mother had written for a college course. But, after I read on, I started to cry. The paper wasn't that big of a deal, but it did sort of explain the kind of person my mother was, what she thought of herself, her morals and values, and they sort of reminded me of me. I am my mother's daughter. This is what I found:

"How I Am In A Group"
By Winnefrieda S. Lee
Psychology 43-?

"I am basically a quiet, private, and shy person in a group. I'm very wary about being in any kind of group. On the outside, I can appear friendly and in control of myself, and in the inside, I may be very nervous, afraid, and unsure of myself. But, whenever I meet anyone for the first time, I am usually friendly, courteous, and nice. There is no reason for me to be rude to anybody unless they were rude to me first. If there is something I want to say and be heard, I will find a way to be heard.

On the first meeting, it is often hard for me to be cozying up to a person. I need a little time to know a person better. Once I get comfortable to a person and trust them, I can really pour it to them about myself and the other person can confide in me. I am a really good listener and try to give some advice when needed, but otherwise, I wouldn't force it.

I have never been in a group therapy session, and that was especially hard for me to get used to. I was afraid of really speaking about myself, problems and private affairs in front of strangers. I didn't want to comment or give opinions on anyone I didn't know. It just didn't seem right, and I felt very uncomfortable and awkward. I knew that I just couldn't sit in class and listen to everyone and do nothing, so what I did to help myself, was to speak to each student one by one, before and during break to know and understand them better. I really couldn't help myself.

When my father was transferred to Washington D.C., (we were living in San Diego then, and he is an accountant), I followed them there a few months later. We lived in Forestville, Maryland, and after two months, I started to get really restless.

One day, feeling quite bored, shut and caved in, I picked up a newspaper, went through the classified ads and found this job selling magazine publications. It involved traveling all over the United States and I knew that it was time for me to leave home and make a living for myself. I was twenty years old at the time, but for an old Guamanian custom, single girls stayed at home with Mom and Dad until they married. So, when I told my parents, especially my father, they were very shocked, maybe even more because it was coming from me. I was the quiet, most sensitive and most afraid out of the ten children, and I had been the most protected child. Nevertheless, my father knew that I really wanted that job, and really believed now that I was quite ready to move on my own. My father didn't let me take the joob right away, until he called up the Better Business Bureau in Boise, Idaho to make sure that the company was legitimate and not a "fly-by-night".

When I finally took the job and met the girls I would be working with, I discovered that some of them were younger than I was, but they were more experienced in life, and I mean everything. Naturally, I was frightened, awkward, and uncomfortable, but I was ready to do what I had to do. The girls were fun and exciting, and the job itself wasn't exciting, but just going out there and meeting different people, especially men, seeing different cities and states was very exciting. I felt alive for the first time in my life. I discovered from this job that I am an adventurous person, or maybe to some people, I was let out of my cage and seeing the world for the first time. Basically, this is the true facts.

There is something about this group of girls, that I didn't like very much. They drank a lot, and took drugs, and this is something I always stayed away from. Drugs, to me, belong in the hospital where it is most needed, and I do not believe in drugs for pleasure. I feel that there is more out there, something better than to be playing around with drugs. Maybe it was the way we were brought up, I really don't know, because my parents never really told us or stressed about taking drugs.....

The girls were a lot of fun and they realized how I feel about it. I would try not to let it get to me too much, as long as they wouldn't force me to "just try it". I enjoyed this job and the girls with it, we had so much fun. We traveled, partied, fought even, and we tried to help out with each other on everything, including the job involved or our personal lives. I stayed with them for a year, and by that time, we became more like a family. I came a long way, considering...

After I quit this job, I went back home to my parents in Maryland and tried to find a job there. But, I wasn't really trained much in anything except being a Practical Nurse, and I hadn't been a nurse for almost two and a half years. Again, I began to feel restless, especially now, after traveling for a year, it was much worse. I felt even more caved in. I tried to find a job in our area, but to no succession. I guess it was a feeling of desperation or maybe the feeling of wanting to do something different, whatever it was, I decided to join the Army.

Being in the Army, they trained us how to behave in a war. Towards the last two weeks of basic, we went to have what we call a "bivouc" or field training. We simulate war, how to behave in it.....They'd even taught us what to do if a soldier would go absolutely berserk, because in a true war, soldiers or some of them will "freak out"....

I learned an awful lot about people when I was traveling, in the Army, in nursing school, especially about myself. I really discovered that I'm really not afraid, I was even brave, to do something like this. I learned thatI can adapt myself to different surroundings and other people's lifestyles. There are times when you have no choice, but to do it.

I learned that I am a loyal and faithful person from a past experience, which I won't discuss, but will say that I do not believe in cheating on your mates, siblings, and your very close friends. It is "taboo" in my book. I also discovered that I am selfish, sometimes greedy and even willing to get revenge. I am possessive, especially with my children's needs and wants (3 years old and almost 5 months old daughters)....

~~~~The last page of the paper is missing, but it's enough for me...yes, I just typed up almost her whole paper, but i don't care..It's for my benefit, anyway.

7:20 p.m. - 2005-01-24
I just wanna be the one you need...
Here we go... Well, seems like I have written in here in awhile, we go. I already said that.

I'm just sitting here, eating Basketti and drinking fruit punch gatorade. What a delicacy. Boy, was I hungry! Here are this weekend's highlights...

1)Friday Night, went to dinner with Katrina, Tara, Samantha, and Nick at the Olive Garden. I'm sure they have some spectacular Basketti there as well, but I succumbed to to the Chicken Alfredo and salad...yum.

2) After dinner, went to Belmont Park (mission beach) to check out the status of the once-hoppin-in-high-school hangout. I must say, not as hoppin' as it was when I was 16-17, but all in all kinda fun after riding the rides and playing Nick in air hockey. I gotta start practicing again if i'll ever be the air hockey champion of the world again. Chilled in Point Loma for a few hours with the rest of my people.

3) Saturday night, dropped Nick off at a HS party with his homies, and me, Katrina, and Tara decided to head out to PB so Tara could get her nipples pierced.

4) Tara chickened out and we headed to Fashion Valley to go see a movie. The movies kinda sucked, so we got back on the 8 and tried to go back to PB to attempt Tara's nipple piercing once again.

5) Tara chickened out again. Went to eat some Pannycakes at Denny's and have our usual "talk". Tried to get Tara to get her nipples pierced one more time, but failed. She'll come around eventually.

6)Had a chill Sunday, watching tv (i haven't watched tv in ages) and hung out with my sis, who needs to pick up her clothes off of my bedroom floor. I walk in here, and i wanna slap her. Doesn't she get it yet?

My shoulders hurt. Have I been sleeping wrong?

The very first time, that I saw your brown eyes, your lips said "hello"...and I said "hi"..I knew right then you were the one.

1:41 p.m. - 2005-01-14
I know you won't fail....See, I can tell....
Well, I'm in "the house". Doesn't feel exactly like when I lived here in the past, because i didn't live with my grandparents in this house, but...I do feel 17 again. Not necessarily a good thing. One good thing: I actually get fed here, because Nick's mom is determined to keep us fed. I was actually losing weight the past couple of months due to stress or starvation or both...even my appetite has suffered, I can't eat as much as I used to. What's happened???? Guess it's better than being super fat.

Internet access has been established now (earthlink still) so I'm here deleting emails and downloading songs i've been writing down for the past week. I've decided it was a mistake downloading specific country songs for my sister, and then ultimately teaching her how to do it herself, because she's driving me crazy with the Country crap. Sure, the first 8 times were tolerable, but now it's just getting outta hand. What's up with this country phase? I'm not down for it.

The rain's finally ended, and it's really really bright in my room. I'm the first to admit I love the rain, but I'm thankin' the Lord that the sun is back, I've missed it so...

10:11 p.m. - 2005-01-08
I think its time for some nasal decongestant...
I am appalled. Is that how you spell appalled? Chargers, BOO!!! My nose is running, and I can't catch up.

4:14 p.m. - 2005-01-04
I'm Done...
I'm going back to Clairemont, probably next week or so. Wish me luck on my life.

New Years weekend highlights:

New Years Eve was sorta uneventful, sorta not. We had a some people over to drink and hang out, but abruptly ended when both Tara and Chris got phone calls from their new interests. How many times have we said "Bros Before Hos??!!"

New Years, we had a family get-together at an aunt's house, with 35+ people. Food was great, the New Years Gift exchange event was the most hilarious gift exchange i'd ever experienced. Guess that's what happens when your family is loud, funny, and crazy. I'm lucky. Me, Samantha, Katrina, Tara, and Cerina (from Nor Cal) decided we would pass the time New Years night by going to an adult toy store. Yeah, some good investments had been made.

Sunday night was my nephew JM's 3rd birthday party. Lots-o-people in my godfather's house, fo' sho'. One gathering after another.

Last night I went to Chuck e. Cheese for my other nephew D'Vante's 4th birthday (I obviously have too many nephews). Yeah, so what that I spent 10 bucks in tokens on myself. I'm 22, I must live it up. I had to challenge Chris, Nick, Vince, Daniel, Katrina, and Tara in basketball shooting and skeeball. I think the adults had more fun than the kids did.

My aunt thinks I'm depressed. I think she's a lunatic, so we're even.

I'm hungry.

12:04 p.m. - 2004-12-30
I'm movin' on...
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different, but they're always the same
They mean me no harm, but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm moving on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarentees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyones life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I've sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should, but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

11:18 a.m. - 2004-12-28
Thinkin about your beauty, it makes me weak...
Chrismahanukwanzakah Highlights:

1) Driving Thursday night and Friday morning to Yuba city in dense, Dense, DENSE fog. Luckily I have good eyes and driving skills. Missed a whole day of sleeping.

2) Visiting the Salas/Haney/Sample/Crawley/Pollard/Ichihara/Lee Family.

3) Driving forever and a day to visit my parent's grave in San Francisco. It needed to be done, and I'm happy we had the time to do it. San Francisco is a busy and as beautiful as ever.

4) Seeing the stacks and stacks of gifts all over the place, so high it went up half the tree's branches.

5)Sleeping on the living room floor/couches in the Haney house with the 16-25 yr old "kids", staying up on Christmas Eve and chatting it up like when we were little.

6) Watching the babies open their gazillions of presents, while I opened my new shoes, purse, sam goody gift card, and large check--courtesy of Auntie Chrissy.

7) Finally watching "Dodgeball" with the fam, laughing and joking.

8) Carting around Caressa's baby, Madison, the girl is sooooo cute, with her almond shaped eyes and chubby-chub arms and legs. She's 3/4 white, and yet, looks like a pac islander girl.

9) Eating unbelievable amounts of yum yum food, Guamanian style on Christmas Eve, and American style on Christmas Day. I think I'm still full.

10) Almost dying TWICE on the way home, one when a big rig tried to get over and we had to drive in the grass on the median, and the other when a car full of guys had road rage and tried to swerve into our car and run us into a bus. Good times.

11) Ultimately hating the radio because katrina's cd player is broken, and if I hear Mario's "You Should let me love you", Jadakiss' "K-I-S-S Me", Usher & Alicia's "My Boo", and NB Ridaz' "Baby Girl" one more time, Ima shoot the stereo in her car.

---New Year's Eve is my night. I will party like it's 2005.

1:11 p.m. - 2004-12-23
When I kiss your soul, your body will be free...
Well, it's Thursday, and tonight we'll be heading up to the bay area for Chrismahanukwanzakah. I don't know, but I'm not feeling this holiday season. It's creeping up on me, but I still don't have the spirit of Christmas in me. Usually, I love everything about it (except when I worked for Hallmark and I wanted to rip my hair out), but this year, it doesn't feel like Christmas. I could just be getting the "holiday blues" like i do every year, but it usually fades away by now, and i make room for the comfort and happiness that Christmas brings. Oh well, what can i do?

Note to self: Drink lots of Coffee for the trip, you'll most likely be driving more than anyone else in the car, you insomniac, you!!!

I've recently read my sister's last entry in her diary, and I must say, she comes off as a new, strong, independent, intelligent young woman. Guess that's what happens when you break up with your boyfriend. You start to think about shit you would never think about, and you realize you're better than u thought when you were IN the relationship. My baby girl is growing up, and everyone wants to know, When will I?

This time tomorrow, I'll be chillin with my family in the bay area, hopefully being our usual selves and crackin jokes, doing stupid dances in the middle of the living room, eating lots of Christmas/Guamanian food to our stomach's content, and waiting for Santa.

I wonder just how different Christmas would have been to me as a little kid if I ever believed in the fat, bearded dude. Would it have meant more? As I think about all of my family around me at Christmastime, I somehow doubt that. I wouldn't change a thing.

7:40 p.m. - 2004-12-17
December 17th.
Happy Birthday Dad.

12:36 p.m. - 2004-12-13
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away.
There's a piece of you here with me, it's everywhere I go, it's everything I see.

Interesting weekend. I had a conversation with my grandmother during the Charger halftime(and this is pretty hard to do these days, because she repeats herself over and over again) and she starting telling me about my mother when she was young. She kept telling me how my mother was a very very quiet and shy girl, and how she never asked for anything, i.e. money or possessions. My gramma also said something about how my mother would go with my gramma to bingo (because my gramma was, is, and will always be a bingo fiend) even though my mom hated bingo, but went because her mom wanted her to. Apparently, my mom was a good daughter.

Those are the things I listen for when my aunts and grandparents talk about my mother, the little insignificant details that I wouldn't know otherwise unless I could ask my mom myself. I guess that'll satisfy my hunger for a little while.

Katrina, Tara, Samantha and I had a little "Truth or Truth" session the other day, because we won't do the dares. I know way more about them than I need to, but it's all good. It was mostly sexual questions, but I was caught off guard when they asked me "Why don't you think you'll ever fall in love?"--where did this serious question come from? I must have told them once that I don't think I have the ability to be in love, which is true I guess.

I honestly answered that I don't think I could fall in love because I don't know if I have the capacity to let my guard down to truly love someone in that way. And of course, they follow up with "Well, why can't you let your guard down?", which is against the rules, cuz you have to wait again to ask another question, but oh well. I don't even remember what I told them, it's not an easy thing to explain to someone, I barely understand myself.

I guess it does seem a little odd that the sweetest, most caring, most affectionate person in the world can't fall in love? That someone like me, who has love for everybody, can't or won't be in love? What's funny is, I'm in love with the IDEA of being in love. It's something I want but don't think I can have. I wonder if they pity me for thinking that. I don't want pity. It's just what I think.

I want to be more in the Christmas spirit. All I want is a Christmas tree, is that so much to ask?

Another thing...I've gotta stop this insomnia nonsense.

This entry is way more personal and serious that I wanted it to be.

9:34 p.m. - 2004-12-12
I Live This
The Road Less Traveled

size="2">You take the Road Less
wants to go where everyone else has already gone
anyway? You look for the hidden
paths, ones most don't see and don't care to
venture down. You go boldly and
stand proud discontent with what's been put in
front of you, determined to find
a way perfect for you even no one else will take it
with you. You live as you
want and not for others, but be careful not become
selfish. Others may need you
and you should be there for them, especially the
ones close to you. You tend to
be the leader in most situations and people listen
and trust you not lead them
astray. Your firm in your opinions and beliefs and
unwilling to change yourself
to suit other people. By the same token, you can be
stubborn to a fault, change
isn't always a bad thing you know. Everyone changes
and grows, you shouldn't try
to stay exactly the same or you could be left
behind. Then again, you may change
frequently. Some people change to fit in, you my
little non-conformist, may
change to be set apart. It's great to be different,
but it's also just as great
to have things in common with people, even if those
people are in that "crowd"
you seem to have a vendetta against. Don't try to
be different, just be who you
are, whoever that is and you'll be unique all on
your own. So make some time for
people, let yourself blend into the crowd every
once in awhile, you may just
learn something about them and yourself you never
knew before.

What Path Do You Take In Life? [X]For Guys and Gals! Pics and Lengthy Results.[X]
brought to you by Quizilla

top 3 song lyrics for the week:

1) "And so it is,the shorter story. No love no glory,no hero in her sky. I can't take my eyes off of you..I can't take my eyes off of you...I can't take my eyes off of you...I can't take my eyes off of you."

2) "South Side Sacramento/but I rest in the Bay/In Cali every nigga wanna be the best in the state/10% of rap is fact/the rest of it's fake"

3)"Just an old sweet song, keeps Georgia on my mind..."

11:40 a.m. - 2004-12-06
How can I stand here with you, and not be moved by you..
"you tell me how could it be any better than this..."

Weekend Recap:

Friday: Hung out with Katrina, Tara, Samantha - casino. Nuff said.

Saturday: Went to the movies, watched "Closer". Raw, honest, highly sexual without sex scenes, maybe too adult for me...or too honest. Julia Roberts is a slut in that movie. My cherry Icee gave me a red mouth for the rest of the night. Good look for me. Went to auntie Chrissy's house and visited my babies. Ate pizza and sang karaoke there.

Sunday: Drove forever and a day in the pouring rain. Watched the Charger game, great game. Had dinner with my family, finished painting another pseudo masterpiece. Looked at pictures of my parents and me and my sis when we were little. It was nice.

===I've gotten updates on a car from my aunt, and I think we're going to Nor Cal for Christmas after all. I've also decided that Mariah isn't allowed to grow up. She's already too beautiful. 7 year old Tre has his first official girlfriend (he wrote a letter to her asking if she would go out with him and everything, this is serious!), and Sunday would have been my parent's 23rd wedding anniversary. I miss them.

Find me here

And speak to me

I want to feel you

I need to hear you

You are the light

That's leading me

To the place

Where I find peace again

You are the strength

That keeps me walking

You are the hope

That keeps me trusting

You are the life

To my soul

You are my purpose

You're everything

And how can I stand here with you

And not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be

Any better than this

You calm the storms

And you give me rest

You hold me in your hands

You won't let me fall

You steal my heart

And you take my breath away

Would you take me in

Would you take me deeper, now

And how can I stand here with you

And not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be

Any better than this...

9:47 p.m. - 2004-11-28
I wanna talk.


Created by gothany and taken 10 times on bzoink!

is your favorite band?jimmy eat world
do you love?I love many people.
do you want to marry?my future husband...far future.
do you want to have sex with?someone who's great at sex?
do you want to wake up next to in the morning?said person who's great at sex.
does your hair?I do.
is the last person you kissed?Samantha, on the cheek.
did you loose your virginity to?n/a.
do you work for?n/a.
is your biggest hero?I have many heroes.
is sitting next to you?Samantha, she's laying on the other couch.
is your best friend?Samantha, Katrina, Tara, Chris, Silas, Vince, Nick, Jason, etc.
do you think is the hottest person you know?eh. I dunno.
is your boyfriend/girlfriend.n/a.
are you wearing?drk blue jeans, black thin sweater, socks, panties, bra, earrings, a smile.
did you do today?went to lunch with trina, tara, sam; drove around, hung out, took a nap (not good), watched tv, ran a few errands.
are you listening to?my sister talking on the phone...annoying as hell.
did you eat for lunch?mexican food from tio leo's.
are you going to do tonight?chill.
are you going to be for halloween?? too early to tell.
is the color of your eyes?light brown.
and your hair?dark brown.
and your pubic hair?what the...
is your favorite word to use?reciprocate; a combination of swear words.
is your favorite song at the moment?kelly clarkson- "Break Away".
time is it?9:38 PM pacific
do you want to be when you grow up?happy and semi successful.
do you want to say to that special someone?There's too much to say on here.
did you last take a shower?this morning.
did you wake up this morning?what time? 10 i think.
did you go to sleep?around 2am.
is the last time you cried?can't remember.
is the last time you had sex?n/a.
is your birthday?march 3rd.
do you want to get married?when I'm in love and ready.
do you want to have kids?when I'm ready.
will you go to sleep tonight?probably late, i took a nap.
did you first have sex?n/a.
did you first get kissed?I was 6, playing house..ahh, those were the days.
do you normally shower.. morning, night?morning, always.
do you get happy?when the people around me are happy.
do you get sad?when I think about certain things too long.
is your house?in San Diego, CA
do you work?n/a.
are you from?California girl forever.
were you born?San Francisco, CA.
is your hand?on the keys.
is your foot?on the floor.
do you like to eat out?everywhere.
do you go shopping?at the stores.
are you parents?they're deceased.
are you siblings?my sister is right here next to me.
are you going to go on your honeymoon?fuck if i know...
are you going this summer?fuck if i know...
do you wish you could be right now?right where i am, or somewhere else.
is your mind?on completing this long ass survey.
is the world round?because someone discovered it wasn't flat like they thought.
is the sky blue?reflects the ocean.
are our teeth white?because we use whitening toothpaste.
do we kill?I have no idea. Because some of us are primitive in their ways.
is there animals?so there is life all around us.
do you want to die?I don't. Not yet.
were you born?because my parents had sex without any protection. What were they thinking?
is there day and night?time must continue.
do we have to go to school?so we can learn how to live.
is there such thing as hate?humans are competitive and want to be better than everyone else.
do you look so sad?naturally pouty lips. Don't worry, i'm not really sad.

Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink!

11:42 p.m. - 2004-11-26
Welcome back...Oooh, you know we need ya...
what-wha-wha-what? Thanksgiving was the best one we've had in a few years, complete with the enormous amounts of food. There was mingling with the 30+ family members that managed to get into my aunt's house, dancing in the living room after everyone forced a piece of pumpkin gooey butter cake down for good measure, and chasing and passing around little kids throughout the whole event.

Grampa even got up and started dancing with all his daughters, bustin' a move in the middle of the living room. There was too much reminiscing going on, and I'm just happy I got to go home with a slice of pie to take with me.

Obviously, my new AC adapter has finally arrived, and i'm proud that I lasted a week without my laptop. The movie Ray was endearing, sad, inspirational, and the music was thoroughly entertaining, cuz now I wanna play the piano more than ever....or I could just buy a ray charles album...

Don't worry, I made sure I stayed as far away from the malls and stores as possible today, cuz Alissandra doesn't do the "biggest shopping day of the year" like everyone in the world does. Tryin' to go against the grain here. I'm STILL not ready for the CHRISMAHANUKWANZAKAH season!!!!

Okay, so I'm an OC addict. Ryan and Jesse started it all, so I blame them. I would have turned the TV on to watch it if there was an episode yesterday on Thanksgiving. Yeah, I'm so ashamed. Somebody shoot me. Better yet, force-feed me egg'd be just as painful.

12:08 p.m. - 2004-11-15
Thereís a right and a wrong way to love somebody
I'm not ready for the holidays...

strip songlist recap w/ added songs:

1) "walk away"---christina aguilera

2) "Get Me Off"---Basement Jaxx

3) "The Beautiful Ones"---prince

4) "Nobody"---keith sweat

5) "The Climb"---No Doubt

6) "Do it to Me"---Usher

7) "Uninvited"---Alanis Morrisette

8) "Untitled(how does it feel)--d'angelo

9) "Angel"---Dave Matthews Band



12)"12 Play"---R. Kelly

13)"Storm"---Lenny Kravitz

14)"Right and a Wrong Way"---Keith Sweat

15)"You Make Me Sick"---Pink

Weekend highlights:

---Drivin' to Temecula with Katrina, Tara, Samantha, & Nick so the boy could see his girlfriend at the movies for 3 hours; listenin' to mix CD's on the way there, containing hits from the late 80's/early 90's, i.e. Bel Biv Devoe, LL Cool J, Vanilla Ice, Digital Underground, New Edition, etc.

---Chillin' in Chris' garage, having a lil "listening session" with the boy's new rap songs.

---Fuckin' around, starting a "Dance-Off" dance revolution, bustin' a move, 9 members and growing.

---Playing basketball with the people, and sucking at it.

---Eating chinese and mexican food at midnight, while listening to Vince talk about his recent escapades in the bay area.

---Attending Tre and Mariah's birthday party at Skateworld, it's always fun when the guys skate; playing arcade games with my 5 year old niece, Isabella, and winning her the "Ticket Jackpot"-(not once, but twice, I'm so good..)

---Attending a business meeting.

Just a thought. I may be young, but I'm ready...ready to learn. I'm not a little girl, I'm a woman. I'm yours for the taking. I'm willing.

2:50 a.m. - 2004-11-10
I won't always love what I'll never have, I won't always live in my regret...
More strip songs to be added to the list @ a later date...

I've realized something that I continuously do that could possibly be annoying to other people: I keep thinking in lyrics...

What the hell does that mean exactly?

I am listening to too much music, so much that when I'm having normal conversations with people, or watching a tv show, or just thinking about my life and everything going on around me, I think in terms of song lyrics. My brain subconsciously spits out lyrics relevant for that particular time and situation, and I think, "gee, this reminds me of a song." Is it like that John Cusack movie "Hi-Fidelity", where he lists songs pertaining to every minute and momentous event he encounters?

I don't know, but I've got to stop doing that shit. If I'm not irritating other people, I'm starting to annoy myself.

The weekend was emblazoned with nothingness, but the good kind; hanging out with katrina, tara, sam, chris, nick, and the rest of the crew (besides the absent, doing studio time in Vallejo). I went to Amy's baby shower, but joined the "Anti-Baby Shower" team outside, made up of the boys who showed up for food-only. Can't say I was exactly excited with anticipation for those baby name/safety pin/diaper/toilet paper games. I was excited about the punch and the food, though.

I made some purchases at Barnes and Noble, a tarot deck (which apparently entertained more people that I thought it would) and a poetry book with nothing but sex poems in it. It's really a good read, I've dog-eared the poems I hold dear to my "heart". Later, some starbucks venti hot chocolate, and we called it a day.

Someone go get my gun.

8:39 p.m. - 2004-11-02
Well, you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I want to go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will

Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance?
Or only one way that it was always meant to be
You kill me
you always know the perfect thing to say
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel
I wish I'd go to you
I pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmeiser song goes
It's just like being alone

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away

So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say

I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
But tell me just what has it ever meant

I can't help it baby, this is who I am
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel
You kill me
you build me up, but just to watch me break
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

6:50 p.m. - 2004-11-01
black, odd, and 3rd 12...
Las Vegas highlights:

===drivin' with my aunt, mariah and tre, with the boy asking questions and interrupting my music listening enjoyment every 5 seconds..he's still cute though.

===hangin' out with Katrina, Tara, Chris, Silas, Vince, Jason, Kristina, Daniel, Jeremy, Nathan, Samantha, Roy, Nick, etc in the hotel.

===playin' Roulette @ the tables for the first time (lovin' it)

===Witnessing my aunt's very short, but very sweet and meaningful wedding ceremony.

===endless smiles and sweet looks to get into my room with no key.

===Drinkin', chillin', smokin' in the lounge area, listening to some bands play.

===taking the boy to the arcade so his mom could take a rest from his 6-year-oldness for an hour. Can't say I didn't have fun playin' with the kid, though...stuffed animals galore.

===lastly, being fucking cold!

A pretty decent wedding weekend.

11:42 a.m. - 2004-10-28
The harder I push the tension does grow
Yes, I've made a makeout list of songs with twenty something tracks, but now it's time to move on to another list that is constantly on my mind: A STRIP song list. Yes, my friends, songs to strip to, and i have NO idea why I think about these things. Maybe I'm like john cusack in Hi-Fidelity, where they always have lists of songs for different events/occurances...I figure it's kinda like that. Alright, these are the Strip songs I have so far:

1) "walk away"---christina aguilera

2) "night drive"---jimmy eat world

3) "The Beautiful Ones"---prince

4) "Nobody"---keith sweat

5) "The Climb"---No Doubt

6) "Do it to Me"---Usher

7) "Uninvited"---Alanis Morrisette

8) "Untitled(how does it feel)--d'angelo

9) "Angel"---Dave Matthews Band

10) "your body's callin"---R Kelly

As always, I'm sure the list will continue to grow as time goes on, so...yeah...that's it...Hmm, looking at this list, I guess I'm not a fast-paced tempo stripping kinda girl, cuz most of these songs are pretty slow..I guess that's okay..I refuse to put "pour some sugar on me" on here, even though my sister keeps mentioning it. It's too cheesy, and i'm going for sexy and artistic...what the hell am i talking about???

5:16 p.m. - 2004-10-23
Pushin' forward and arching back, bring me closer to heart attack...
Alright, we're leaving in 15 minutes for the boys...i dunno about this bachelorette party, because it's gonna be, like, all my aunts and stuff...I'll try my best to be fun and wild (me, wild?) and still be on my bestest behavior.

Nothing really matters, because baby, i look fuckin' HOTT tonight!! If I was me, I'd do me. Wait, does that make sense? ha.

Where the hell's my lipgloss?

1:27 p.m. - 2004-10-20


Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator

2:17 p.m. - 2004-10-19
Go Dj, That's My DJ
What's goin' on in San Die??? It's pouring out here, reminds me of the bay area...We definitely need it, though.

I recommend, NEVER EVER watching the movie "From Justin to Kelly"...I am ashamed to even admit to setting the tv to that channel for more than 3 seconds, let alone actually watching it for awhile before realizing it was the stupidest movie i've seen in awhile. Though, it does give me the idea that maybe I could go somewhere for spring break...what am i saying? I live in Spring Break! Other people travel here to San Die to spring break on the beach, in the sun. Still, maybe I just need a vacation.

"Do you want me to slow it down, do you want me to speed it up??"

I wanna dance, and i think i'm gonna...

Wait a second...the word is, New Edition is back? Oh, without Bobby Brown, of course. They're gettin' up there, but they're still dancin', singin', doin' their thing. I need to buy the Jimmy Eat World CD, it's essential.

Bachelorette Partay on Saturday, the 23rd.

La Boda de Las Vegas en Sabado, 30 de Octobre.

3:21 p.m. - 2004-10-17
\"sittin' in the park on a Sunday Afternoon..\"
"me and the crew, just jammin' to oldie tunes, sippin' on a cold bottle, of brewski.."

On a Sunday afternoon. Again, I'm sittin' here in front of the TV watching "Laguna Beach: The Real OC", and I hate this show. Katrina really likes it, though I'm not sure why. I can't relate to these kids, and if I was their age, I still wouldn't be able to relate. The only good thing about this show is the 3 1/2 seconds that they play the background music, because sometimes the songs are good--ala Real World.

Well, looks like word has spread quickly in San Diego about Daniel's return home, because we're having a welcome home dinner for the kidd tonight at the grandparent's house. Hmm, I wonder what we're having? I haven't eaten today yet...

Do I like this new journal template? Not sure yet, but the girl on here (liv tyler) used to remind me of, not the co-agulated ham-like substance that tastes oh-so-good with rice and soy sauce, i'm talkin' my sis. Speaking of my sis, where the hell is she? She was supposed to come home yesterday, and when it came to be around midnight, I had to call the brat to see where the fuck she was. I mean, she can do whatever she wants, but can the girl call and let me know so I don't think her new boy is some crackhead who rapes and murders girls and leaves them for dead in his hometown, all the while her cell phone's ringtone echoing in the middle of nowhere? Alright, that's outta hand, but I've said numerous times, I can be a worrier when my mind permits it...

Sooooo...Chris, Tara, and Nick came over early last night and slept over, cuz Tara's parents were once again outta town, and she gets scared easily. Chris forked over 40 bucks to buy the new 90's Trivial Pursuit, and we spent all night answering crazy questions. Though I was the first one to get all my colored wedges and to get to the middle of the board, no one actually won, cuz the ultimate final questions were way too hard. yeah, I've never even really played this game until last night. Who knew it had actual rules??!!

The Chargers SUCK...

11:16 a.m. - 2004-10-17

2:20 a.m. - 2004-10-16
\"drop it like it's Hoooooottt, pop it like it's hoooooottt.
alright, so it was the fucking engine!! guess you better watch what you wish for, no? so yeah, i've basically got no car (except the dead one at the ex-uncle's shop) and...i guess im gonna have to get another car, which my aunt has already said she'd help me with...this couldn't have been a worse time for my car to die...damn, i was really attached to my car. My very first, it serviced me well. Poor thing...well, what can you do but hope for the best and move on..

On a better note, we got a surprise when we went to pt. loma to pick up chris for nick's game: DANIEL IS HOME!!! me, trina, tara, and trina's mom practically jumped out of the car window to give hugs and kisses when he walked outta the house. I'm so happy that he's home...He'll be surprising his parents and sisters at the LV wedding at the end of this month, but we'll see how long my family can keep a secret...I bet he's so relieved to be off that ship...

The house is so quiet (okay, it's also almost 2:30 am), but also cuz my sis went up to have dinner with her new boy's parents, and spend the night @ his new apartment. I hope all went well with that pressure, sheesh.. but it kinda doesn't matter, my sister has always been a charmer of sorts.

Katrina got a speeding ticket last night on the way home from clmt. Yeah, she was going 92, and the cop totally sneaked up on us, cuz he came out of nowhere. What's funny is, she got pulled over almost exactly where my car died on the 15 the night before that..weird, strange...what's up with that strip of freeway between miramar rd and carroll canyon, huh? It's like the fucking bermuda triangle or something. To make matters worse (or better), the cop was absolutely gorgeous, hot, so much that I couldn't really look at him, even though he came up to my side of the car. No eye contact there..Yeah, he was cute.

what else...nick won his game, 50-6, the cheerleaders were exhausted by all the jumping jacks they had to do after each score, and i found out on the way home that the bachelorette party is next weekend...bring on the...uhh...guys in shorts? i'll be prepared for that...doesn't seem naked enough though..well, not that i like that sorta thing, kinda cheesy..i should go to bed.

10:05 a.m. - 2004-10-14
please God, don't let it be the engine, please please please don't let it be the engine.

10:05 p.m. - 2004-10-13
anyone want some lemonade?'s the car isn't here. Why isn't my car here in my garage where it should be at 10pm at night? Oh yeah, it's on the side of the 15 freeway, broken down.

Hmm, driving in the fast lane, going 80 and then all of a sudden, my car jerks, starting to slow down..I immediately pull over to the left side as soon as i can, and it suddenly dies. What is a girl with no money and no car experience supposed to do? Call Katrina to pick me and Spam up. Kinda scary, 10pm at night, other cars passing a foot away from your car, going 100mph. I hope it doesn't get hit. I should be more pissed than I am right now, but, I'm just a little depressed. I can't wait until I see what's wrong with it and how much it's gonna cost. Oh, the overwhelming joy. I guess we could nix the oil change appointment for tomorrow afternoon, no?

Sooooo...on a different note, Vera and her fam are leaving early tomorrow to go to Kansas. I gotta say, it felt really good having the family around, I spent more time at my grandparents house than I have in a year or two. I already miss little Amy, so affectionate, she must have kissed me 80 dozen times when I had to leave to go pick up Samantha. She's so precious.

Election Ballot Pamphlets just came in the mail...I guess it's almost time, ain't it? Makes me wanna chant "DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES! DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES!" eh, I'm weird. FUCK OFF.

9:01 p.m. - 2004-10-10
Jammin' on the one, J-J-Jammin' on the one.
Guess who's back in the muthafuckin' house??!

anyways, what was i talking about? oh yeah, the hookah bar. So we went, and I had a couple drinks, a couple shots, and I was feeling warm all over. None of the girls had money to buy the actual hookah/tobacco, so I bought the girls one for their table, while me and chris shared our own hookah. Samantha, katrina, tara, and kristina was smokin' fruit roll up flavor, while me and chris got grape blast. Why we decided to get grape flavor, I have no clue, but the first 45 minutes was alright, and then me and chris had to chill, because I felt like we were smoking the grape dimetapp cough syrup. All in all, it was a pretty good night, I had a decent time out in PB with my people.

I just found a paper in my purse, containing a list of things that don't make sense, but after a second, I realized that this paper was alist of things that the psychic told me about my past, present, and future a few months back, and I had written everything I could remember in the car on the way home. Here's what this beeyatch had to say about me...


*** I've been hurt in the past

*** My past communication with my Father was not good/non-existent, and this has a major effect on me now as an adult. (no shit?? anyone who knows me/my situation would say this!)

*** I've recently moved, and it was a big move for me.


*** I'm not afraid of hard work

*** I'm very creative/artistic, and this is something that I should continue doing, because it makes me feel good.

*** I'm pretty simple, in that, I never wish or ask for much.

*** It's hard for me to make decisions, though my judgements are usually really good.

*** Family is VERY important to me.

*** I have never been a jealous person.

*** I'm a good-hearted person.

*** I've had very few relationships.

*** I'm confident, but I could be more.

*** I've always been ahead in life; very mature growing up.

*** I believe in God, but in my own way.

*** I'm very centered.


*** I will be married, and I will have two kids.

*** I will finish school.

*** I will be taking two trips, one in October, and one in December (this one was crazy, cuz of Las Vegas and the BAY!)

*** I will have a very long life, and will die peacefully, probably of old age.

*** In two years, I will be the happiest I've been in a long time.

*** There's one guy interested in me right now.

*** I have had anger/stress in the last 6 months, and this will soon pass.

*** In 4 months, I will be receiving a really big, expensive gift (this was 2.5 months ago.)

Today was a chill Sunday, spent at my grandparents house, with a decent sized group of my family members there for dinner (but, of course, not ALL of them were there.) Katrina's older sister is here in transition from moving from utah to kansas, so we pretty much went over there because of her and her family. Amy's gettin' so big! For some reason, there was a sugar buzz around, cuz there was candy left and right over there (some from the kids after a bday party, others went to the store and bought like, 12 candy bars for the people.) I dined on nerds, sprees, tootsie rolls, gum, reeses peanut butter cups, hershey's w/ almonds, snickers, and candy corn. Yes, my friends, once again, it's that time of year....I'm already sick of candy. I love it.

11:56 a.m. - 2004-10-10
to be continued....
Oh, motherfucker. We were supposed to leave 15 minutes ago to take mariah to take her dance pictures, and possibly catch tre's very first football game, but no..I'm here, waiting for my crackhead sister finish her makeup. It's bad enough that she takes two years and 7 months to cake that shit on, but now she's being distracted by the TV. I've yelled at her 4 times already to finish her shit so we can leave. What, am I gonna have to threaten to turn the TV off for her to get a move on? What is she, 8?

Last night was the HOOOOOOKA bar. I'd never been to one, and I'd figured that I would broaden my horizons and see what this thing was all about. There was only a few of us going, and then the group grew to 7. Damn, I need to leave, and finish this crap later.

9:17 p.m. - 2004-10-07
Baby yes...Until the end of time, I'll be there for you. You own my heart and mind, I truly adore you. If God one day stroke me blind, your beauty I'd still see. Love is too weak to define just what you mean to me.

From the first moment I saw you, ooh, I knew you were the one. That night, I had to call you, I was rappin' till the sun came up...tellin' you just how fine you look. In a word, you were SEX. All of my cool attitude you took, my body was next.

You made love to me, like you were afraid. Was you afraid of me?? Was I the FIRST?? Was I your every fantasy?? That's why...

Until the end of time, I'll be there for you. You own my heart and mind. I truly adore you. If God one day stroke me blind, your beauty I'd still see. Love is too weak to define just what you mean to me.

When we be makin' love, I only hear the sounds..heavenly angels cryin' up above...tears of joy pourin' down on us. They know we need each other, they know you are my FIX. I know, that you know I ain't cheatin' baby. They know this is serious. I ain't funkin' just for kicks, no. This condition I got is crucial, crucial baby.

You could say that I'm a terminal case. You could burn up my clothes, smash up my ride, well, maybe not the ride. But, I got to have your face, all up in the place. I'd like to think that I'm the man of exquisite taste, 100% italian silk imported, egyptian lace.

But, nothin' baby, I said nothin' baby, could compare to your lovely face. Do you know what I'm sayin' to you this evening. I'm just trying to say...I'm just trying to say...

That, until the end of time, I'll be there for you..I'll be there for you...On my heart, on my mind...truly adore you..I truly adore you. You don't know what you mean to me. Do you...Do you..Do you..

Can I talk to you? Tell me what you mean to me. Every time I wander, I'll be your eyes so you can see. I wanna show you things that I show no other. I wanna be, more than your mother, more than your brother. I wanna be like no other. If you need me, I'll never leave. I know, you know, without you, there is no me...There is no me.

Without you there is no sea. There is no shore. Love is too weak to define how much I adore you child, you child. The last words you hear...

Until the end of time, Ill be there for you baby. Be my darlin' until the end of time. I'll give you my heart, I'll give you my mind. I'll give you my body, I'll give you my time. For all I am with you, you are with are with are with me..

12:11 a.m. - 2004-10-07
mr. sandman
Your beauty is inspiring. Your beauty is the kind
that would inspire people to write poetry or
paint beautiful artwork with. People think your
absolutely gorgeous but you seem to think
differently sometimes. Guys daydream about you
but not just because of your lovely body but
because of your face. Your kind of beauty can
be characterized my flawlessness. Your so
beautiful that usually people can't stop
looking at you. You can be profound and really
understand people's emotions You're a work of
art inside and out. (If you can't see tje pics,
go to my homepage and look near the bottom and
find your result)

What kind of Beauty should you have? (girl) (PICS)
brought to you by Quizilla

How come my sister's boyfriend always comes over to fuck on the nights that I want to go to bed early? Is it a curse? They plan this shit out, I swear. I'm really tired right now, it's half past midnight, and I'm in the living room, in the dark, in my pajamas, writing in my journal, while my sister bashes her head into the wall that we share.

Silas has been here longer than expected, though he doesn't really sleep here, just comes around for a few hours and chills, or picks up some clothes, so it's kinda like he's not even here. Silas gave me a few of his CD's, one of which, is the the whole A-Team album, one with just silas himself, where he jacks kanye west's entire album, while the other is Silas and Vince. They're both really good, and there's a song called "Family Business" similar to kanye's on his album, but silas' basically describes my family...I'm even mentioned in the song:

"And in the other room, you hear that loud female laughter, but that's just katrina, tara, sandra, and samantha..."

The song also briefly describes the absence of my mom, and how if affects the whole family. The song is short though, he needs to add another verse to's a few seconds short from being a 2 minute song.

I don't really feel like watching tv much, maybe i'll just sleep on the couch here for a little bit, just until i can safely sleep back in my room. The idea of them having sex isn't so much a big deal anymore, I just can't sleep, because they keep pounding on the walls or whatever. My eyes are drooping as I type this...i gotta go.

11:41 a.m. - 2004-10-02
Put ya fi-ve with my fin, best believe we'll bend
"Mo corners than you thought,
To somethin writers bought
More sizz-acks, believe that
Talkin, where you from?

I haven't heard that song in a lonnnngggg reminds me of living in the bay area, yeah, those were the days. I still can't believe that Silas was living with one of the guys from the Luniz at one point...or he still does..not really sure, silas is a nomad. But the last I heard, he was residing in Arizona with some dude from the Luniz and Baby Bash. Crazy.

Actually, he's supposed to be here for the concert @ coors on sunday. I want to go, but I forgot there's a bridal shower tomorrow. Looks like I'm gonna have to play bridal games and watch the opening of gifts instead of seeing the boys perform.

"why you treat me so ba-had?"

Well well well...looks like my sister has started her own journal/diary here, following in her big sister's always happens this way..and from the looks of it, her diary is a prime example of how different we truly are as sisters (read: previous entry).

So, imagine ordering a porn flick, just for fun, to watch with your people, and it's starting, and the object of the show is to travel around different colleges and show students from those schools screwing strangers like no imagine the you're watching, and suddenly...they're at your college..that's what happened to me, and i was freaked out for a sec. The girl they were interviewing was sitting in the exact spot outside the library that I'd always sit to study before class. Who knows, I could have had classes with this biotch.

I think I'm due for another painting session, which means more canvas. I started this really detailed, tagging-sorta painting, but in a bout of disappointment, I ended up painting over almost the whole thing...didn't exactly turn out how i wanted..but i guess that's an artist thing.

"I got five on it,
Grab ya four, let's get keyed,
I got five on it,
Messin wit dat indo weed"

11:48 p.m. - 2004-09-28
bring it on.

Little old me...

Created by NikkiSixx and taken 10 times on bzoink!

My current [name] is:Alissandra.
I've been stuck on Earth for [____ years]:22
I [devour]:food?
I [drink]:many different kinds of beverages?
My [pastime] consist of:painting, hangin with my people, writing, reading, singing,etc.
You'll probably [find me here]:anywhere.
Only over my dead body! You'd [never find me here]:i dunno.
I [hang out] with these homosapiens:sam, chris, katrina, tara, silas, vince, nick, etc.
My favourite [thing/place] in the house:my paintings.
My [safety blanket]:?
Can't live without/[Love]:music.
Can't stand/[Hate]:a few things.
If I were to screw only ONE [thing]:thing? I only screw people.
I'd [rock out] with:ha. john mayer. can he rock out?
Stalk & [mutilate]:? I'm lost. nothing and no one?
Someone to [annoy]:samantha. It's my duty.
Can't stop [saying]:"shut up"
Would [never] hear me say:I hate you.
Random [fact] about me:I like drinking gatorade.
Oh, and almost forgot; my [imaginary friend's] name:tulip.

Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink!

I started out my day with a little scare. Katrina came in and told me that my grandfather was in the hospital, because he was having some pains and he was vomiting blood. Of course, you hear vomiting blood and automatically think something horrible is going on with gramps. Turns out that he was having kidney stones and the vomiting was kinda left over from his chemotherapy that he finished a little while ago. You hear news like that, and the whole family plays telephone, until we find out that they're okay, or to plan to meet at the hospital. Yeah, have you ever seen 20+ people for the same patient? I assume it's pretty overwhelming for the hospital staff and other people in the waiting room. For us, it's pretty normal.

Drink drink drink that gatorade!

Some cheers from my past:

we're gonna win tonight
all you gotta do is just put ur mind to it and do it

you cant stop me
don't stop, keep on
don't stop, keep on
don't mess with the best 'cuz the best don't mess
don't fool with the cool 'cuz the cool don't fool
don't stop, keep on
don't stop, keep on

whip it to victory
whip it, WHEW!
whip it good (2,3,4)

I shall go lay down and listen to my CDs.

12:57 p.m. - 2004-09-24
Don't Be A Fool, Wrap Your Tool!!!!!!!!
Alright, last night was something else. Why was it something else, you say? Because I'm traumatized for life!!!

Well, to start this story off, my sister's new flavor of the month (okay, flavor of the semester) spent the night last night and will again tonight. Everything was fine and dandy, and I had a very good first impression of the boy. He's really funny, down-to-earth, and sweet to my sis. Hmmm...Well, I didn't even try to go to sleep until after 3am, and while I was thinking innocent, sugarplum fairy thoughts to help me go to sleep, I hear moaning and the scraping of my sister's bed, tearing me away from my early slumber and forcing me to jerk my body out of bed.

What the hell? I was very much freaked out. Not freaked out because my sister was having sex, but that I was witnessing the sounds of it, my sister making noises that I don't want to hear. Yes, very funny, but very uncomfortable. All I wanted to do was sleep, and I had told my sister to close her window and try not to make so much noise, because I can hear everything. Our windows are right next to each other, so anything she does or says in bed, travels into my open window, maybe not even a foot away.

So anyway, I jump out of bed, put some pants on, and start pacing out in the living room, pacing my way to the balcony, where I had a cigarette, wanting to just sleep. By that time I was pissed, because I wasn't sure she told him her "story", the most important story you tell the guy your gonna have sex with. She's not told guys before, and it only got her into trouble. So yeah, thinking that, I was now pacing out of anger instead of confusion or embarassment.

Occasionally, I'd go back into the house, and take a few steps into the hallway, only to be welcomed by more moans and noises. "Alright, can't go back to my room yet" Finally, I finish smoking, and turn on the tv, which helped in smothering the sounds of my baby sister.

Eventually, when they were done, my sister came out to get a glass of pepsi (more caffeine for extra sessions?) told me that she told him, and apologized for keeping me awake. The anger dissipated, and I felt a little more comfortable. The only way I can describe it is like hearing your parents having sex. You are sure they do it, but you don't want to witness anything. Eventually, I got to sleep after 4am.

Moreover, I have to give the guy props for being such an understanding person. I know my sister has gone out with people who weren't as accepting, and it's a breath of fresh air when she does find someone who will care for her no matter what. So, I guess he gets bonus points, not for screwing my baby sister, but for keeping an open mind.

4:12 p.m. - 2004-09-22
Alissandra, come on down! you're the next contestant on THE PRICE IS RIGHT!!!
Hola. Como Estas? I wish I could type the upside down question mark in front of there, but oh well.

Is my sister trying to stress me out? I can feel the chest pain and arm pain shooting up and down my side as we speak. All I ask is for her to pay her cell phone bill. Please God, get the girl to pay ONE bill. And if i'm to blame for letting her get another cell phone in the first place, then maybe i should cancel her ish altogether. Isn't it enough that I helped her with her rent again? Or that I'm alone here for the electric and cable bills? What the heck??!!?? Oy vey!

I'm having a really cool conversation right now with my niece ISABELLA and her friend CHANTELLE, who are two really smart 5 year old kindergarteners. Apparently, their favorite colors are pink and purple, and their favorite shapes are hearts, stars, and diamonds.

They've just informed me that they have STAR OF THE WEEK, which happened to be my favorite part of elementary school, you know, being the special person for a whole week, bringing pictures to hang on the bulletin board and your favorite things, i.e. stuffed animals and games. I can't believe they still do that. I LOVE IT! Yeah, they're the epitome of cuteness...

To whom it may concern:

Well based on your smile

I'm betting all of this might be over soon

But you're bound to win

Cuzz if I'm betting against you I think I'd rather lose

This is all that I have

So pleeeease

Take what's left of this heart and use

Please use only what you really need

you know I only have so little so please

Mend your broken heart and leave

I know it's not your style

I can tell by the way that you move

It's real real soon

But I'm on your side

And I dont want to be your regret

I'd rather be your cocoon

But this is all that you have

So pleeease

Let me take whats left of your heart

and I will use

I swear I'll only use only what I need

I know you only have so little so please

Let me mend my broken heart

And you said this was all you have

And it's all I need

But blah blah

Because it fell apart

And I guess it's all you knew

And all I had

But now we only have only confused hearts

I guess all we had is really all we need

So please lets take these broken hearts and use

Lets use only what we really need

You know we only have so little

So pleeeeeease

Take these broken hearts and leave...

2:39 p.m. - 2004-09-16
jada, kiss me? (uh yeah, jada's a guy)
"Why they come up wit the witness protection

Why they let the terminator win the election

Come on, pay attention"

Alright, I feel relaxed.

Spam took my car again today, so I'm here...chillin'...sending more resumes than I'd ever dreamed i could. At least I got one reply, from Sony Electronics, so tomorrow morning I'm gonna have to go over there and take some tests and stuff, see if I can get myself a job (seasonal, but it's all good).

Maybe I'll make dinner tonight. But what shall I cook? chicken? mashed potatoes? everything will be from scratch, of course. I grow my own organic potatoes and breed my own chickens. Yeah, you can find me on my apartment balcony, shucking corn and de-feathering a word?

Is it normal to laugh out loud when nobody is around? I do this often, and people make fun of me, but who only laughs when other people are present to hear you laugh? Don't you laugh when, say, something is funny? I see funny stuff on tv all the time, with or without people in the room. Granted, they think it's cute that i'm cracking up alone, but I still don't understand the dilemma. If it's funny, i'm laughing dammit!

I'm gonna go eat a nectarine.

2:31 p.m. - 2004-09-14
alissandra explains it all...
You're Betty Boop!
Bettie Boop

Who 's Your Inner Sexy Cartoon Chick ?
brought to you by Quizilla

New brushes, more paint, new canvases, and I'm good to go!

It's so quiet here. This past weekend at my pad has been pretty loud (read: not obnoxious) 'cuz everyone and their aunties have been over the last couple days. Today Silas and his people go back to work at the studio. Sometimes I wonder about the way he talks to the girls (i.e. some serious conversations on the walkie-talkie/cell phone that everyone eavesdropped on last night while I was painting). If he wasn't my cousin, I'd think he was a real asshole to the ladies (well, he is, but still). But, it's all jokes, and i guess you have to have that certain sense of humor to understand him sometimes. It's weird, cuz the guys he hangs around with are nothing like him at all, really sweet and polite (at least around the girl cousins, anyway!) I guess Silas is one-of-a-kind.

Alissandra's favorites this week:

color: blue

drink: been drinking a lot of root beer

hobby: painting (back on)

soap: st. ives cucumber & melon body wash (i smell yum)

toothpaste: colgate plus whitening

snack: mocha frapp

card game: speed & crazy 8's (alright, so I haven't played in awhile)

song of the week: kanye west's "jesus walks" (i bought the ringtone)

lip gloss flavor: fruit punch

4:50 p.m. - 2004-09-12
Happy Birthday Silas.

Me, katrina, tara, vince, chris, silas,and JD headed out to the mall late in the day, high skool style, and then had dinner in mira mesa.

We headed home and Silas brought over some other friends, which I don't really know so well. They basically spent the night, bein' all loud n' stuff until like 5 in the morning. Not so good when Katrina had to wake up to go to work the next day @ 6. Oh well, how often do we see Silas? They brought over a whole bunch of promotion stuff for the album, and some copies of Southwest Bound Magazine, in which Silas is on the cover with some other cats, described as "THE NEXT GENERATION OF BAY AREA RAP!" hmm, alright.

I finally saw "50 First Dates" with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore, and I must say, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Not typical funny-stupid Adam Sandler (happy gilmore/billy madison) but more like Big Daddy/The Wedding Singer-style. It's a cute movie, makes me wanna move to hawaii and marry Mr. Sandler.

One thing about Adam Sandler, I love it when he sings, whether about hannukah or his piece of shit car, or his remake of 80's songs in "the wedding singer". I wanna buy the soundtrack to the movie just because of this one song:

The Hukilau was the place

Where I first saw your face

We liked each other right away

But you didn't remember me the very next day

Forgetful Lucy

Has got a nice caboosey


I used to trick you into pulling your car over so we could chat

But my favorite time was when you beat the shit out of Ula with a bat

Then we drove up to see Dr. Keats

And found out why Doug always has to change his sheets

Forgetful Lucy

Cracked her head like Gary Busey

But I still love her so

And I'll never let her go

Even if while I'm singing this song

She's wishing I had Jocko the walrus' schlong

Forgetful Lucy.

Her lips are so damn juicy

How about another first kiss...

11:36 p.m. - 2004-09-10
cuz i'll be as gentle as i takes
to provide you with the right

amount of pleasure and pain

Yeah, that's right, I'm home at 11:30pm on a Friday night, and I don't even give a fuckkkk. It's been a pretty long day...

Woke up, showered, drove to katrina's work, drove to the bank, drove to grandpa's & gramma's old house. Helped them pack and move. Went to nick's football game. it was 10-10, last 4 seconds, 1 yrd left. They lost. Picked up Nick, drove back to Gpa's, helped move some more, drove to new house, helped unpack and move into new house, 9pm by then. Came home.

Usually the girls are excluded from helping people move, but the freakishly strong person that I am (okay, maybe not, but I can hold my own) I pretty much did the same as the boys. What sucked was that the old house already had their electricity cut off, so towards the end of the night, we were moving beds and heavy boxes in darkness, with only our cell phone glows to kinda light things up.

We've just gotten news that Silas and his friend John Dough is driving here from San Francisco, so they'll be spending the weekend at mah pizzad. You know what that means: We cleaned like crazy! I've never seen the kitchen as sparkling as I do now! I figured that if I was on a roll I'd straighten up my room too, but after spending literally two hours scrubbing the kitchen and doing some light grocery shopping, I'm thinking that my room can wait at least 8 hours. I'm fucking tired right now.

The girls just left to get something to eat (katrina, tara, samantha), and I didn't feel like going or eating (appetite, where are you?) so I'm chillin' here, listening to the music channels on cable, and writing in my boring journal. Tomorrow, I'm gonna have fun, dammit!

7:12 p.m. - 2004-09-07
\"In the thundering rain, you stare into my eyes...
I can feel your hands, moving up my thighs...."

My continuation of those sexy songs:

14) Alicia Keys-"Butterflies"

15) Al Green-"For the Good Times"

16) Janet Jackson-"Anytime, Anyplace"

17) John Mayer-"Come Back to Bed"

18) Musiq Soulchild-"Who Knows"

19) U2-"The Sweetest Thing"

20) Jagged Edge-"I Gotta Be"

1:16 a.m. - 2004-09-06
Don't deny what you feel, let me undress you baby...
So far, this weekend has boosted my spirit higher than it's been the past week. Saturday was the busiest of the weekend, as I went to breakfast early early early in the morning for my grandfather's 76th birthday. Yeah, another table for 2o people again, and a lot of family didn't show up!

After that, we hung out at Tara's house, where she housed a whole bunch of us for an unexpected family get together in the early evening, complete with guamanian food, music, chatting, and a viewing of tara's dvd "The Passion of the Christ". Yeah, that movie was pretty intense, and I had to take a break half way through (wiping tears and such), but I'm glad I finally saw it. I never had the desire to watch it in the theaters, though I'm not sure why, either because I wasn't ready for the graphic brutality or because I've steered away from religion in the past couple years. It was something i'm glad I watched though.

Later in the evening, when katrina finished her homework, me, kat, tara, and sam drove around san diego, mainly because it was hot as hell (105+ degrees) and we just wanted to drive with the windows all the way down. We ended up on top of Mt. Soledad, which we haven't been to in a long ass time. It was as gorgeous as ever, and the air was cooler and windier up there. It felt great, the wind whipping my hair everywhere, the twinkling lights spread from the edge of the ocean, and not feeling sticky for the first time all day from the heat.

I've compiled a list of makeout/foreplay/sex songs that I've slowly accumulated over the last few years, don't ask me why I've decided to put them down now. They're in no particular order:

1) Dave Matthews-"Crash Into Me"

2) Floetry-"Say Yes"

3) Jodeci-"Feenin'"

4) R. Kelly-"My Body's Callin'"

5) Prince-"I love U in Me"

6) Justin Timberlake-"Still on my Brain"

7) Zapp & Roger-"Slow & Easy"

8) Brain McKnight-"Anytime (Do I ever cross your mind)"

9) Zero 7-"Destiny"

10) Sade-"By Your Side"

11) Lenny Kravitz-"Little Girl's Eyes" (is this song about a woman or his daughter?)

12) Jack Johnson-"Cocoon"

13) Jon B-"I Ain't Going Out"

Yeah, the more I list my makeout songs, the more I think of. There is going to have to be a second list of some sort later on...

12:56 p.m. - 2004-09-03
roses are red, violets are blue, bread is evil, i'd rather eat a shoe.
Cotton Candy- Babe your a sweetheart and your
extremely nice you've got friends a plenty that
love you cause your addictive :)

JUNK FOOD QUIZ! What junk best decribes you?
brought to you by Quizilla

How can I be cotton candy? I mean, it's pure me a stomach and tooth ache really...well, today's a better day.

Things that are interesting to me, but boring to everyone else:

1) I polished my nails this morning. They're pale pink/almost clear. I know, drastic change, you're thinking.

2) I got my phone turned back on. It's a crazy world out there when you don't pay your cell phone bill for 8 hours.

3) The door just slammed shut in the hallway. Just a breeze, or is there a ghost residing in our apartment? We'll have to check up on that.

4) I had dinner at Tio Leo's with Katrina, Tara, Christopher, and Samantha. It was great people, and great food.

5) My sister went to apply for Hooters. Hopefully with the waitress experience and awesome breasts she has, she'll be successful in the chicken wing-waitressing-in-a-tank-top-and-shorts business. We'll have to see about that.

Tonight is Nick's first varsity football game for the school year. Apparently, he's starting, which is good, considering he's a junior and seniors have seniority when it comes to sports and such. He's growing up into a really cool guy, i tell ya! I used to babysit this kid!

I could go for a protein shake and a salad minus the croutons. Yes, it's a low carb world least for as long as I can hang.

3:02 p.m. - 2004-08-29
Either they don't know, don't show, or don't care about what's going on in the hood.
"Once upon a time/I only imagined this

And now youíre mine/Wished for you so hard/Prayed that youíd find me/"

Tonight is the VMA's. Yup, I'll be watching that. Of course, the VMA's seemed more exciting when i jr. high, but I can't say I haven't been looking forward to it all month.

What Alissandra did this weekend:

Thursday: Absolutely nothing. It was the most boringest (yes, boringest) day I'd ever had. But, at least I got an oil change and car wash.

Friday: Drove Spamantha to work. Headed over to Tariffany's house and hung out until Katrina came over. Went to the mall (mission) so tariffany could get an outfit for the wedding. Picked up Katrina's mom and went to Nick's first game/scrimmage. He's a pretty good fullback, I must say. Dropped Trina's mom at home and ate at IHOP. Pancakes were tasty.

Saturday: Chilled with my sister. Drove all over san diego, hangin' with Spam. Grabbed something to eat. Went to La Jolla Cove. Met up with Katrina and Tara. Drove over to mission beach, had some interesting conversations with the girls. Arm wrestled in the car on the way home.

Sunday: So far, took a shower, ate, watched TV, played on the computer, waiting for Tri and Tar to call and tell me what's up.

Does every girl on MTV wear a tube top and have a belly button ring? Pretty unoriginal, I must say. I dunno, it's pretty much a staple for some girls here in san diego, but now that I see it on TV, doesn't look too classy. Oh well. This guy on Room Raiders is cute though, definitely.

1:22 p.m. - 2004-08-26
melted ice cream = milkshake
boring boring bored. boring boredom. chillin' at home by myself, no car, no life. need to need to need to find something to do.

I could paint. no canvas. I could watch mtv music videos. no videos, just shows. I could write in my journal. Well, golly gee, that's what I'm gonna do.

I could read. Read all my books a dozen times. I know what happens in the end. I could eat something. No food in the house except mint chocolate chip ice cream and balsamic vinegar. I'm not bold enough to try them together.

I'm craving chocolate milk. My sister took my atm/check card to pay for the oil change. I could order a pizza with a check. Not really feeling pizza at this moment. I could walk around the apartment complex. Whistle with my hands in my pockets as I stroll on by.

I could have a pillow fight with myself. I think I have a good chance of winning. I could play dominoes online. But I've won all 12 games so far. I need a challenge. Maybe Chris is off today, we could hang out. Oh yeah, no car, I forgot. I could walk around naked in my house and flash the gardeners that walk by. No fun.

This is the stupidest journal entry I've ever written.

12:12 a.m. - 2004-08-25
just another survey.

What Do You Think Of When You Hear....
Life:living it.
Guilt:trying to steer away from doing things that create guilt.
Stars:balls of gas.
Clouds:need more in san diego
Grass:green and lush.
Music:always on.
Suicide:can't do it.
Flowers:love them.
Lust:can be fun.
Faith:keeps me going.
Nail Polish:i don't wear any.
journals:have one.
Labels(Goth,Prep etc..):no label.
Pop corn:kettle corn.
Cow:1% milk
Skateboarding:can't do it.
Movies:watch them on occasion.
cybering(eww lol):uh. over it.
Advice Sites:none.
Horses:del mar horse races
Feathers:birds and boas.
Darkness:forgot to change light bulb
Kitchen:cook food on occasion
Knife:cutting board.
Food:tastes good.
Sex:feels good.
Dirty:take a damn shower.
'Uncool':equals cool.
Hot:spicy, temperature, or fuckin' gorgeous.
Cold:air conditioner.
Boyfriend:no comment.
Commitment:is difficult sometimes.
Broken-Hearted:a song by brandy featuring the dude from boyz 2 men.
the word 'Psycho':silent P.
Art:i like.
Math:i hate.
Science:can be interesting.
Cousins:i have a lot of them..
Water:the plants?
Drowning:i can swim though.
Life Guards:wear sunglasses on the beach.
Boats:rock the boat.
Swimming:i like .
Tennis:i hate.
Track:i suck.
Lesbian:i don't.
young:mmmm me.
Gay:not me.
Bisexual:not me.

long quizz. brought to you by BZOINK!
fakepop! - The Online Popularity Game

11:56 p.m. - 2004-08-23
did you expect to kiss me one time, while looking at me with the same eyes?
"let's bypass the bullshit/and move on because the minute hand moves faster than you think it does/and by no fault of yours/and by no fault of mine/the bottom line is laying in the bed that we've been playing in tonight..."

two minutes until tomorrow...that would be 11:58 for all you crackhead people out there...

List for tomorrow:

1) get an oil change for tomorrow (sam, you better pay for that shiite!)

2) drop the rent check in the box (ohhhh, 2 weeks late!)

3) figure out a way to watch "the princess diaries 2" without getting caught and ruining my reputation as a grown up (do they know?)

4) think of something to do while I have the day off tomorrow, but stranded with no car because samantha's taking it to work, and katrina doesn't get off until 7 at night...hmmm...

5) learn to play guitar in 8 minutes from the "learn to play guitar in 8 minutes" online lesson for low, low price of nine easy payments of only 49.99$

I guess i have a lot to do after all!!! yaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy.

damn the person who made my USB port mouse. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.....blink on blink off...i definitely need to get a NEW one. By new, I mean, steal the mouse from someone else's computer and attach it to mine. Ah, no, i'll figure something out.

2:09 p.m. - 2004-08-23
Go Charming Boy!!!!!!
I realized something last weekend when I went out with my people for Katrina's 24th birthday: There are just some clubs that I don't fit in.

I also realized just how self-conscious I can be sometimes, especially when I'm left standing alone in a crowded club holding a drink and nothing else. I looked great, sure, but I wasn't feeling great. I was annoyed, actually, and the W Hotel Living Room isn't my scene. At least I learned that much this weekend. Maybe it would have been different if I had easier access to alcohol (it took me an hour and a half to get a midori sour).Either that, or I was having an unexpected bout of claustrophobia...could be. We initiated a designated driver for nothing, and then she got lost when we were ready to leave. Oh, the horror!

The Del Mar races was a success. I won 4 out of 9 races, so that was okay. I basically bet and ate for free. Horse 3 was the big winner in almost every race. Woohoo! I won 2.80$ for a 2$ bet on 3 for show. ah, if only I'd bet a supertrifecta box.

They are cutting my hours like no tomorrow, so I better start looking for another job a little harder.

11:53 a.m. - 2004-08-16
well, color me violet with a crayola crayon from the 16 pack.
Very interesting 4 day weekend, very interesting indeed.

I ended up going to the naughty kitty party, and i'd never been to one before. It's weird, it was kinda like a tupperware or candle party, only they were passing along lubricants, dildos and vibrators instead of scented candles and tupperware crispers to keep your lettuce fresh. Odd, but oh so intriguing.

Did I buy anything from this intriguing party??? Yes. What did I buy? A lady never tells.

I did a lot of eating out this weekend, which is, I must say, getting old. Claim Jumper, McDonalds, Tio Leo's, Leucadia's, The Branding Iron, etc. I love eating out, yes, but that's all we've been doing for the past month. Sometimes, I just wanna make some top ramen or a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich and call it a day. But, when was the last time we went grocery shopping? Something's gotta change, I tell ya.

Last night I did something that I wanted to do for a long time, but never had the nerve: I recorded a song for silas' and vince's album. They came over to my apt with all their studio equipment, and basically stayed here writing a new song. When it came time for the hook and bridge, they asked me if I wanted to sing. It's kinda nerve-wracking singing into the mike, but eventually my nervousness eased after doing it so many times.

I guess it turned out well, and they managed to finish the song by midnight. Do I want a copy? Yes and no. Though I think the song is really good (both silas and vince each want it on their individual albums) I still don't like my voice, no matter how many times they say it's good. I guess that's normal for someone who sings?

12:13 p.m. - 2004-08-13
girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes..

What comes to mind when you hear..
..tornado?:not in cali
..summer love?:doesn't exist
..Mike?:uncle mike?
..banana?:peanut butter
..Juan?:my grandfather
..white?:1/2 pac islander
..New Found Glory?:don't like the lead singer's voice.
..placebo?:faker juice?:yum
..candid camera?:old skool tv show
..hate?:nothing of school
..President?:kerry't play often enough
..rap?:silas aka smigg dirtee
..pop?:tarts? chocolate?
..rock?:pop rocks? yum
..punk?:i prefer dickface or asshole'd like to have some of that
..death?:not ready yet ready yet
..the end?:is it?

The Survey Where You Say The First Word That Comes To Mind. Yay. brought to you by BZOINK!
EmotionDump - 100% Anonymous Emotions and Confessions

She took off her dress, and I took a peek

While thunder storm played hide and seek

I begged for a kiss, she gave me 7

Our lips touched and it feel like heaven

Everything I want is what she does to me

She don't blush 'cause she's so damned free

When she makin' love it's like surgery

And she say, ooh I love U in me...

===I love that song..

Tomorrow's the "Naughty Kitty" Party, and to tell you the truth, this 22 year old has never been to one. I doubt I'll buy anything, but who knows? Later on, I hope to go out with my people. Maybe Chris will be off and he'll spend the night, I miss the hell outta that fucker sometimes. Life is so much funner (yes funner) when he's around.

Really, I hope to go out with my people tonight. I don't want my four day weekend (25% completed already) to go to waste.

Would I be 12 years old if I said I wanted to see the sequel to "The princess diaries"? I bought the first DVD for my sister a long time ago because she loved it, and one day ended up sitting on the couch watching it with her. Yeah, I know, I need a life. What is it exactly? It must be julie andrews in the movie, forcing me to reminisce about watching "the sound of music" when I was a little girl. I swear I watched that movie every night before I went to sleep.

My leg's asleep! My leg's asleep! I can't feel my leg! It hurts/tickles/tingles all at the same can that be? all I know is that I can't move it...ahhhhhhhh..

9:10 p.m. - 2004-08-12
are you gonna eat that mcdonald's apple pie?

I have some artistic ability, but it is probably a hobby and doesn't drive my life into a dark abysmal hole were I am alone and against the world.

i thought i would start off this entry by naming all of my cousins/nieces/ may be boring, but oh well, i feel like doing the fam tree thing:

In order by parents...

angelina, tara, jasmine*, jaden*, me, samantha, veronica, junior, vince, christopher, nick, amy*, jalyssa*, jovan*, aizlyn*, isabella*, aumia, owen*, jaime*, tricia(+1*), tamera, alex, anthony, nathan, jason, jeremy, dominique, DJ*, Dezmond*, Alona, Isaiah, Silas, Daniel, Caressa, Cerina, D'vante*, D'angelo*, Madison*, Miguel, Mariah, Tre.

Things coming up that I need to plan/save money for:

Naughty Kitty Party: Sat, August 15

Del Mar Races: Sat, August 21

Katrina's 24th Bday club-hop, Sat, August 21 (evening)

2:10 p.m. - 2004-08-05
could you spare a dollar sir?
You have a mysterious kiss. Your partner never